Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino

Snooki is pregnant. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Jionni LaValle got effing Snooki pregnant. Amazing. The apocalypse cannot be too far behind.

Last night's episode was filmed long before this revelation, of course, and shows Snooki doing her usual drunken, moronic thing. But it puts it all in perspective.

Thursday, The Situation tried to stir the pot (shocker), the gang ran into a familiar face, someone went to the sex store and some idiot got arrested. Who was it?!

Let's recap Jersey Shore, THG style, and find out!

Snooki and Vinny played coy about their flirtatious night out on the boardwalk, but nothing sexual happened. Phew. Could've been paternity test drama. Plus 9.

Deena, Pauly D, Mike and Vinny went to Jenk's, and they ran into ... Angelina Pivarnick! We forgot about her! Does this mean she's back on the show? Minus 10.

Nah. As Pauly said, they "kept it movin'." Oh, hey! Later! Plus 19.

The Situation strikes out with his girl. So does Pauly. Chalk it up to shyness and tampons, but it just wasn't happening for the dudes on this evening. Minus 8.

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Yes, that actually happened on this week's Jersey Shore ... in one sense.

Last night's episode saw Roger knock some fool out, while the gang partook in a lot of water sports. Again, not as dirty as it sounds. Plenty idiotic, but not that dirty.

Later on, Lola the rabbit went to Karma and Ron got a mini-bike. Aww! How did everything else play out in Seaside Heights? Let's recap Jersey Shore, THG style!

Roger KO'd the dude who started messing with JWoww at the end of last week's episode. Not too much of a cliffhanger there ... have you seen Roger?! Plus 9.

Snooki gets upset when her boyfriend is too sick to smush. Jionni booting in the bathroom totally gets in the way of her "getting it in." Tragic news. Minus 4.

Meanwhile, Roger spends time with the roommates, talking and eating one of Mike's famous late-night sandwiches, instead of getting it in with J. Plus 10.

In an attempt to do something different, the producers Deena and Sammi persuaded the group to go to fishing, and crabbing. It is the shore, so Plus 6.

"I never thought I'd be excited about catching crabs." - Sitch. Too easy, but Plus 10.

The Situation helps Deena control the raft. Deena hits the water while Ronnie tries to deflate the raft. It's all pretty much a three-ring CF circus. Plus 7.

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That's not a euphemism or double entendre. It was a legitimate question Thursday.

This week down at the glamorous and totally disease-free New Jersey Shore ... JWoww and Rog patched things up, Sitch and Paula grew closer, Deena "did sex" with some schmoe, while someone ate her and Snooki's special cake for Danny!

How did it all play out in Seaside Heights? Let's recap Jersey Shore, THG style!

Deena and Snooki decide to make an apology cake for their boss. It's not a meatball cake, but it is made and frosted and decorated by them with love. Aww. Plus 12.

Once morning came, a corner of the cake was eaten! MIKE! Minus 6.

Deena ends up with cake in her face. Again, not a euphemism. Plus 4. After she says "I wanted him to get the full-on cake," Danny gives it to her, in the grill.

Cake or no cake, Snooki was late to work again, as she goes to the doctor to get treatment for her UTI. Minus 15 for us visualizing the state of Snooki's UT.

She's had 10 UTIs in the past year she says. How is that even ... Minus 10.

Snooki and JWoww accuse Situation of stealing a piece of the apology cake, but it turns out it was ... Pauly D! Minus 7 for the (unlikely) false accusation.

"Don't cook a cake in my house and expect me not to eat it," he says. Fair. Plus 5.

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This week on the Jersey Shore, the "family" continued to experience all kinds of ups and downs. Vinny fell for a lesbian, Pauly acquired a new stalker, JWoww fought with Roger, Snooki acted ridiculously and no one could figure Mike out.

Pretty standard stuff, really. We are happy/sad to report that no one threw down!

How did it all play out in Seaside Heights? Let's recap Jersey Shore, THG style!

The Situation gets the dirt from his brother on his recent date with Deena's sister. Yep, that happened. As if this crew weren't incestuous enough. Minus 12.

"The real Mike is back and I love watching all the $h!t he does." - Pauly, after Mike decides he's going all out to start some $h!t again. Game on, brah. Plus 5.

Mike's plan to CRUSH Snooki by having his boy The Unit tell Jionni all about Sitch and Snook's sexy times failed because Unit was in Miami. Too bad? Plus 11.

Snooki tries to hang out with The Situation. Always a dangerous move. Minus 3.

Vinny juggles two girls at the bar. Good to be back, right? Plus 11.

Deena keeps Vinny's other girl occupied. Wing-meatball! Plus 8.

The more "hotass" of the two is Nicki, who is a lesbian. Vinny tried to get it in anyway, and Plus 7 for the effort, but Minus 14 for delusions. She bounced.

JWoww ducks out early, hella annoyed that Roger was dodging her calls even though he was down the street on the boardwalk. We smell drama. Minus 9.

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This week, the Jersey Shore gang was intact again - "Vinny's home, bitches!" - but the joy of being a family again quickly gave way to a new set of problems.

Both mental and physical.

Snooki legit peed herself (and worse), while Mike began acting very un-Mike-like and even level-headed JWoww experienced some drama with her BF Roger.

How did it play out after the team got Vinny back and returned to throw it town in Seaside Heights? Come along as we recap Jersey Shore, THG style!

Vinny unpacks after returning to the shore house. Good to be back! Plus 7.

Snooki was so excited she "legit" peed herself on the dance floor and rushed off into the restroom to grab some body spray for her kooka area (above). Minus 70.

Deena gets quasi-electrocuted trying to fix her hair extensions. Plus 9.

The following day, Snooki made sure to put on two pairs of underwear in case she had another "accident." In the daytime. Snooki is officially a toddler. Plus 14.

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This week, the Jersey Shore house was in turmoil with possibly two men down. Could they turn it around by the end of the night and restore order to Seaside?!

It's been two episodes since Vinny Guadagnino peaced out, and it looked like The Situation - saddened by his lack of popularity - was about ready to follow suit.

He seemed to have a change of heart, though, after some joint birthday attention with Pauly. The question is whether the gang would also be Vinning again.

How did it play out? Come along as we recap Jersey Shore, THG style!

Mike was never really leaving, despite last week's birthday blues. He was sad, yes, but it was his own fault and even he knew it, and can you see Sitch turning down attention and sitting at home? Vinny, yes. Mike, no. Plus 6.

He's also sensitive deep down. Cancer, obvi. Plus 4.

"This is my family," insists Snooki. True, girl. Plus 2.

Shore Store boss / house owner Danny pretended to be upset about them not putting in effort at work and threatened to bring in some replacements. Right. Minus 10.

He says "the deal" was eight people under his roof and working for him, so, time to put up a fake Help Wanted sign. Can we just drop the pretense of work? Minus 17.

Jersey Shore thrives on authenticity - Team Meatball may be repulsive, but it is the real deal - so why stir up fake Shore Store drama? Oh yeah, to fill time. Plus 3.

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You knew there would be some drama this week on Jersey Shore.

After all, Vinny Guadagnino peaced out of the house and half the crew didn't even know yet, so the reality of their "soul" returning to Staten Island was yet to sink in.

There were also two birthdays and two fools celebrating Meatball Day, which should really become some sort of holiday from now on, at least at The Hollywood Gossip.

How did it all play out? Come along as we recap Jersey Shore, THG style!

Deena breaks down when she hears about Vinny. "He was like, my soul," she says. Really? Your soul? Do you even know what that is? We love Vin but Minus 7.

"I'm going to smash this tattoo chick in my man Vinny's bed tonight, in honor of him leaving the house." - Pauly D with one of the best Jersey Shore quotes to date. Plus 30.

"It is what it is, I'm used to it," says a mature Jenni, who HAS to be the one that implodes at some point, right? She's been way too stable of late. Still, Plus 15.

The Situation speaks Italian with Pauly D's girl. Impressive? Sleazy? Eh, Wash.

Vinny returns home to his family. His mom greets him not with joy and warmth, but by telling him to go to bed. Wasn't expecting the cameras, probably. Plus 5.

Isn't that why he came back, too? To be told what to do by his mom? Minus 5.

"Meatball Day" ends badly for Deena and Snooki. Plus 20, because with those two, it can't possibly end "well" in the conventional sense. They go hard. Respect.

Deena rips out her hair extensions. You mean she's not all-natural?! Minus 10.

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"When tha pimp's in da crib, drop it like it's hot." - Snoop Dogg

The above quote means absolutely nothing, but The Situation from Jersey Shore is being sued for screwing over an apparel company called Serious Pimp, and Snoop apparently endorses some of their products ... so there's that.

Serious Pimp is slapping Sitch with a lawsuit claiming the reality star made a deal to promote its t-shirts on the show, Facebook, Twitter and various other places.

According to the lawsuit, Mike Sorrentino and his brother had the right to approve the t-shirt designs, but never said yay or nay. They just disappeared, allegedly.

With the $25,000 advance he got.

Serious Pimp planned on co-partnering with The Situation to make a bundle on the shirts, so they want that advance back as well as compensation for lost profit.

Maybe The Unit is available to fill in?

[Photo: WENN.com]

Despite being back in the Garden State, and not even two hours away from his beloved family, and despite having reunited with them during last week's Jersey Shore Season 5 premiere, Vinny Guadagnino just could not snap out of his "funk."

We feel for Vin in a sense. Sure, he is a total mama's boy. But coming home after filming Season 4 in the mother land, the cast was given NO time off to decompress. Thrown immediately back into the cesspool that is Seaside, anyone might lose their mind.

Come along as we break down last night's Jersey Shore, THG style!

The Situation reunites with an old flame. Who is actually pretty good looking. We really thought Sitch only threw himself on land mines and grenades. And Snook, who may be hydrogen bomb material by the gang's metrics. Plus 10.

Snooki and Ryder get caught in the rain. They do not like it. We're impressed they can even feel such things with a BAC perpetually over .20. Plus 5.

Unlikeliest bromance ever: The Situation loans Jionni some dry clothes, and in return, Snooki's BF cooks him late-night breakfast. LOL. Plus 13.

“We share a girl, we can share underwear,” he says. Revolting. Minus 5.

Vinny opens up to his boss about his struggles with anxiety. Aww. Jersey Shore after school special anyone? Mental health issues are important! Plus 7.

Please, though, can we drop the pretense that Danny is an actual boss and working at the Shore Store is a real job? These are celebrities now. Minus 18.

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Booze. Smooshing. Fights. More Booze. Grenades. Kooka.

They get on our nerves at times, but like family members, we're not ashamed to admit we the Jersey Shore crew and their unique brand of crazineess, even if the fourth season concluded a mere two months ago. Welcome back to America, brah.

Throughout much of last season in Italy, Mike was trying to insert himself in Snooki, and Snooki's relationship with Jionni. That was pretty much the case again in the Season 5 premiere Thursday night, at least the latter part. So what went down?

Come along for THG's official recap, +/- style!!

The roommates head back home and begin filming Season 5 in N.J. immediately, a move MTV said was to "preserve chemistry." More like not allow the ticking time bomb any opportunity to reset. Plus 10 for the viewers who benefit.

As they run up the stairs to the Seaside house, it's like they never left. We feel strangely at home there too by now, even if we feel the need to bathe in hand sanitizer and rubbing alcohol after watching each episode. Plus 5.

The first hours back at the Shore are spent: Downing pickle juice (Snook, Plus 5), downing Ron Ron Juice (All, Plus 5), dry humping (Vinny and Pauly, a little over the top, but Plus 1) and a strollin' on the boardwalk (Plus 4). Like old times.

"I'm tanorexic, bro." - Pauly D, about to get his GTL on. Plus 3.

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