Michael Lohan

Michael Lohan is a tool.

Seriously. He may very well want his daughter Lindsay to get help. His intentions there may be genuine. But he remains a Grade A fame-obsessed loser.

When he's not emailing THG, he can't refrain from trashing Lindsay Lohan to any media outlet that will listen, regarding any topic that comes to mind. 

After hearing that Lindsay's new acting role - as Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace in an upcoming biopic of the porn star - Mike couldn't hide his disgust.

"Oh, I don't even want to go there!" he said Friday - but then he went there.

"Come on! Seriously - why? She did Parent Trap, Confessions [of a Teenage Drama Queen], Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, Just My Luck and Herbie. And you know what? Georgia Rule was a fantastic movie. People don't give her credit for it."

1. No it wasn't, and 2. Thanks for reading her IMDB page, Mike.

You know these two pictures are really old because 1. Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan are both in them, together, and 2. She looks really happy and alert!

"Now this? Why? Who makes these decisions? If I was there, it would never happen, believe me. There's no way to resurrect your career after that."

"So many people have come to me with offers for Lindsay for great family-style films, general audience kind of releases, but you know ... whatever."

Earth to Mike: The career has already bottomed out. Girl might as well get paid, and have you ever heard of typecasting? Lindsay Lohan. Linda Lovelace.

They've got more in common than alliterative names, let's just say that.

Still, Michael remains hopeful that better days lie ahead.

"Don't give up hope. I am telling you now, if she gets the help that she needs, she is going to be right back on top, just like Robert Downey, Jr."

On top of Samantha Ronson, maybe. That's about it.

What happened to shutting up until May 13?

Shockingly, you can't take anything Michael Lohan says at face value. Despite trying to work things out, he's still on his ex-wife and daughter's cases.

Michael's lawyer, Lisa Bloom, says that in no uncertain terms, Michael is not backing down or backing off his efforts to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab.

This came after reports that Mike had backed off his demand for a conservatorship and was no longer going to force the issue. Not to worry - he is!

As for Dina, he plans to continuing riding her as well. In the figurative sense, anyway, about being her enabler ... we don't need anymore offspring.

ADDICT, ENABLER: Michael Lohan wants to pry the former from the latter.

Lawyers for Michael and Lindsay are "trying to resolve things amicably," but resolving it amicably doesn't mean Michael's gonna back down, nor will he back off.

Bloom was quoted earlier: "There has been no agreement as to anything. All options remain open to save and protect Lindsay. That is Michael's #1 priority."

"Michael wants Lindsay in rehab. If she doesn't, all options remain open. Her decision not to meet with him or go to rehab puts him in a difficult position."

He doesn't want Lindsay in jail, though he may not have a choice. She can tell off haters all she wants, but a probation violation is a probation violation.

Whose side are you on?

So much for that pledge to shut up mercifully until May 13. Michael Lohan will be back in L.A. Monday ... and he's already telling people that he's going to start the legal ball rolling to create a conservatorship for Lindsay Lohan.

That would leave him, or a court-appointed third party, in charge of the actress' finances, career, medical decisions and pretty much her whole life.

Hey, it worked for Britney Spears.

No word if he would actually be granted such a role, but Mike says he'd gladly serve as conservator but is open to someone else in the role as well.

Lindsay is in New York City right now but refuses to see her father, who has been angling to meet with her for weeks. Michael says it's now time.

This photo of Michael Lohan has absolutely nothing to do with this article or his turbulent relationship with Lindsay Lohan. Though in a way it explains so much.

Michael Lohan also says he does not want his daughter to go to jail, and fears that she will die, as do many people close to her and on our staff.

In the immediate future, however, jail is the more imminent threat.

Lindsay Lohan is likely to be jailed because she has squarely violated the terms of her probation in her DUI case and a big court day of May 20 looms.

Michael wants Lindsay in rehab but not a traditional, group facility. He wants to go the Brooke Mueller route - a private home with lots of doctors. 

What Michael isn't factoring in, of course, is how that type of rehab is real expensive and Lindsay has no job and is saddled with credit card debt.

It's the thought that counts, though.

Michael Lohan swears he'll pipe down for the next two weeks ... provided his dysfunctional ex-wife gets her act in that time, otherwise it is SO on again.

Issuing a deadline to Dina Lohan - giving her over two weeks to sit down and talk about Lindsay and Ali Lohan - Mike promises to STFU for the moment.

After that, though, he will drag N.Y. State into the War of the Lohans.

He and Dina will meet face-to-face on May 13 for a deposition in their child support battle, and that's when he wants to talk about 16-year-old Ali Lohan.

Specifically, Michael has issues with the fact that she's living in L.A. with Lindsay ... who's appeared less than stable lately. That's putting it kindly, too.

Michael Lohan is doing all living things a favor and offering to shut up until May 13. That's when he's threatening to bring the state into his escalating family drama.

Michael says if Dina Lohan dodges the conversation that day, he will quickly get Child Protective Services of New York State involved in the ugly situation.

Presumably the agency has jurisdiction since Ali's address is still in N.Y.? Michael struck out attempting to raid her house and free Ali in L.A. last week.

Michael claims he'll be quiet until the "deadline."

No word if his self-imposed gag order means only interviews or also includes a moratorium on Tweets about Lindsay being HIV positive. One can hope.

Upon researching this story, we had the following questions:

1. Michael Lohan actually has a Twitter account?
2. Someone would follow Michael Lohan on Twitter?
3. Someone would go to the trouble of hacking it?
4. That someone said Lindsay Lohan is HIV positive?
5. M-Lo really used Twitter to go off on Perez Hilton?

Apparently, yes to all ... or at least #1 and #5. Mike says someone hacked into his Twitter account this morning and posted that Lindsay is "HIV positive."

That Tweet is now off. "Somebody was impersonating me," he later said. "I'm disgusted. I would never ever say something like that about my daughter."

The feud between Michael and Lindsay heated up last week when he staged an intervention, barging into her home with the L.A. County Sheriff's Dept.

He claims LiLo is abusing drugs again (she denies this) and is a bad influence on 16-year-old sister Ali Lohan. Michael was widely criticized for the move.

As for today's Tweets, the impostor also accused Linds of sleeping with Tommy Mattola at age 17. Mike says he's seeking legal action against the hacker.

But not before he tears into Perez Hilton for reasons unknown. A couple of hours ago, in response to Lord only knows what, Michael Lohan wrote:

• Stop stirring up trouble Perez, you're disgusting. Hell awaits you. You are only getting a taste now. U R the one who is likely to get AIDS!
• @perezhilton and you are also the one who wishes you slept with Moguls! leave us alone. Or are you that obsessed?!
• @perezhilton... for all I (we) know, you hack accounts and make most of this stuff up yourself, you sausage jockey

Uhhh, okay Mike. Using gay slurs and suggesting Perez get AIDS? Really classy, not to mention an extremely effective way of helping Lindsay.

Not to mention, how can you expect us to believe your account was hacked when you make another AIDS-related crack hours later? Ass clown.

We always thought you were a piece of work ... but it looks like that was far too kind. You're a complete waste of oxygen. Please, please go away.

Lindsay and Ali Lohan may go to court to keep their father, Michael, away.

"We will be getting restraining orders... It will happen imminently," their mother Dina tells Us Weekly. "My children are absolutely petrified of him."

As you probably know, Michael brought the L.A. County Sheriff's Department to Lindsay's L.A. home Thursday to attempt to remove Ali Lohan, 16.

Dina: "He says, 'I'm worried about Ali!' Then pay child support!" Burn.

Clearly delusional or just plastered, Dina went on to defend Lindsay as a good role model for her little sister, and says, "Everything is fine with Ali."

Calling Michael "disgusting," she adds: "All my kids... he's never been there. He's been in and out of jail for 10 years. This guy has to be stopped."

Not a dysfunctional trio at all ...

She says that Lindsay and Ali temporarily ditched Lindsay's Los Angeles apartment after Michael's intervention because the girls are "so scared of him."

On the flip side, Michael met with his lawyer yesterday and plans to ask a sentencing judge to force Lindsay into rehab or award him a conservatorship.

Michael said, in reference to Britney Spears' conservatorship: "Jamie Spears was dealing with a wife that was on his side, not enabling. I'm dealing with an ex wife that wants nothing to do with helping Lindsay get better."

Mike also asserted that Lindsay is on "Adderall... bipolar medication, anti-depressant medication ... it is toxic. When I left [rehab facility] Cirque Lodge [in October 2007], she departed with a bucket of medication. I was disgusted."

Lindsay has denied using drugs.

In addition to calling her an enabler, Michael accuses Dina of "bleeding Lindsay Lohan dry" and only trying to "save" Lindsay to leech off her bank account.

Everyone with the last name Lohan will be investigated before long.

On this one, Dina is missing the boat ... because Lindsay is broke. Dina isn't acknowledging it, but multiple sources involved in her finances say it's so.

Michael says it's ironic, since Dina is guilty of "bilking Lindsay with her 20 percent commissions," and is threatening to release "over 100 tapes" of her.

For now, M-Lo is getting the hell out of L.A., but says he plans upon returning to NYC he may report Dina to Child Protective Services. Stay tuned ...

Whose side are you on?

Today is D-Day for Lindsay Lohan.

This according to her estranged father, Michael Lohan. He's laid down an ultimatum - meet with him or he'll go to court. His goal there could be twofold:

1. To free Ali Lohan, 16, from Lindsay's home.
2. To set up a Britney-like conservatorship.

One catch? He wants to meet with Lindsay Lohan and his lawyer. After he said just last week that no lawyers, just his daughters, needed to be present.

Michael is retaining Lisa Bloom, a very smart lawyer and the daughter of (you know it) Gloria Allred. Lisa also just happens to work for ... wait for it ...

... an entertainment TV show!

SAVE LINDSAY: It's certainly a noble cause, as the girl is headed downhill in a hurry. But once again, Michael Lohan's motives are highly questionable at best.

Why throw a high-profile lawyer in the middle of this supposed be-all, end-all father/daughter heart-to-heart? And where is Ali Lohan in all of this?

Will Lindsay meet with Michael? Will Michael go to the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services to get Ali out of Lindsay's clutches?

Will Michael become the 2010 version of Jamie Spears? Were will Lindsay be getting sloshed this evening? Will Michael appear on Extra tonight?

These and many more questions remain unanswered in the escalating Lohan family drama. But whatever his motivation, at least he's still fighting.

One of Lindsay's former close friends says that virtually all of the train wreck's friends have basically just thrown in the towel in recent months.

The well-known ex-pal, who requested anonymity, "talking to Lindsay is like talking to a wall - if you ever say anything negative to her, she cuts you off."

The friend calls her "a lost cause." Let's hope it's not too late.

Maybe her money problems are even worse than we thought. Lindsay Lohan has been named a suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex, officials say.

The watch belongs to one of her "friends," who accidentally left it at Lindsay's earlier this year and never got it back. Better try the local pawn shop!

No, but seriously, the police say they have have photographic evidence which could prove Lindsay Lohan knows exactly where the Rolex ended up. 

Lindsay denied any involvement when questioned by police, and her lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley said, "The allegations are completely untrue."

Nevertheless, the way things are going for Lindsay, you have to wonder. Rolex theft or no Rolex theft, this once bright star is slipping away fast.

Lindsay Lohan's downward spiral has her father Michael going all out to keep her and her younger sister Ali safe. But will he be able to before it's too late?

Following yesterday's failed attempt to have police free Ali Lohan from her sister, Michael Lohan is seeking to have Lindsay placed in a conservatorship.

That's right, Britney Spears style. If you recall, Britney was deemed unfit to make financial, medical or personal decisions for herself, so her dad does.

Michael says he's pushing for the same, given his daughter's current state, but will back off if ... and only if ... Linds agrees to a sit-down, and pronto.

M-Lo wants to talk to Lindsay and Ali alone. No Dina Lohan and no attorneys. If they agree, he'll back off with L.A. County DCFS. It's an ultimatum.

Judging by some of the things she's written, we wouldn't hold our breath, Mike. Whatever his intentions, Lindsay clearly wants nothing to do with him.

Whose side are you on?

Officers from the L.A. County Sheriff's Department arrived at Lindsay Lohan's apartment this afternoon to check on her little sister Ali Lohan's welfare.

Accompanying the deputies? Their father, Michael Lohan!

M-Lo went to the Sheriff's Department and said 16-year-old Ali Lohan was staying with Lindsay and that being said, he was concerned for her safety.

He convinced deputies to make a "welfare check" on Ali. Lindsay Tweeted that she's pissed at building management for letting cops and Michael in.

Sources say Ali was in the apartment and deputies spoke with her before leaving and allowing the teen to remain with her older train wreck sister.

Not to be deterred, Michael is now going to the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services, per advice from the Sheriff's Department.

VARSITY AND JV TRAIN WRECKS: Lindsay and Ali Lohan are inseparable lately. This has their dad, Michael, worried for the 16-year-old's safety. [Photos: Fame]

Michael made a "compelling case" to Sheriff's deputies, saying Ali was in Lindsay's car on the way back from Coachella and the car was going over 100 mph.

Not everyone is moved by his efforts, however. The girls' mom and Lindsay's chief enabler, Dina, wants Lindsay to get a restraining order against Michael. 

With the legitimacy of the Sheriff's Dept. backing him this time, it's unlikely it would stick. Still, Dina Lohan vows that "My ex could be in big trouble. He's dangerous."

"If he can't get to them he is going to try to hurt them. It's not good."

Speaking with celeb gossip outlet TMZ after the incident, Michael steadfastly vowed to stay the course until Lindsay checks into rehab for substance abuse.

Michael says he will not leave L.A. "until Ali is removed from Lindsay's home and has a normal life of a 16-year-old. Anywhere Lindsay goes, I'm bringing cops."

The plot thickens! Should Linds heed her concerned dad's warnings and get help, or should that jerk just butt out? Whose side are you on?

Michael Lohan and Kate Major not only got engaged, they're wasting no time trying for a kid. Mike says they "practice at least four times a night" in fact.

As if the mere engagement weren't gross enough to his last family.

"Kate wants a baby. Since I'm getting no younger, we practice at least four times a night," he tells TV Guide about his fiancée, but with one minor caveat:

"We agreed that if she does get pregnant, one is enough."

Probably for the best, given how the last batch turned out.

Michael Lohan, who turns 50 this month, has four children with ex-wife Dina, including helpless, broke train wreck Lindsay Lohan and JV version Ali Lohan.

That's how many times we tried to conceive by noon!

Kate Major, who at 27 is just a few years older than Lindsay, had a short relationship with Michael Lohan’s friend, Jon Gosselin. Hey, anything's a step up.

The two got engaged Easter weekend after dating about half a year. A place and date have not been set, but they're looking at December on Long Island.

Two people Mike probably won't see there? His previous wife and his eldest daughter. “It’s certainly a marriage made in tabloid heaven,” Dina Lohan said.

“Kate dated Hailey Glassman’s ex, then is best friends with Michael’s ex [Erin Muller], now she’s engaged to Michael. It all sounds a bit incestuous to me.”

“Where he’s finding money for weddings, engagement rings, I don’t know. He’s nine months behind on child support... pay for the kids you already have.”

Lindsay Lohan was more succinct, though no less repulsed by the news.

"I'm gonna vomit!" she told Us. "I so didn't need that info... yuck!"