by Free Britney at . Comments

Hello? Pot? Oh, hey! This is Kettle. Just wanted to let you know you're black.

This is basically what Dina Lohan, very likely the worst mother in human history, is saying in her recent message for her ex Michael about his recent interviews.

Michael has said that their troubled daughter Lindsay is abusing prescription pills and is a shell of a person. Dina says Mike should zip it and focus on himself.

Using a celebrity gossip mag as her personal voicemail, Dina lashed back at People Michael: "Michael Lohan needs to focus on paying child support, of which he is six months behind, and making up for all the years he was an absentee dad."

Moreover, the miserable excuse for a human being and parent says her counterpart "needs to stop going national television talking about his children publicly."

Right, because that's not what Dina's entire life is based on.

On Saturday, Michael told celebrity photo agency X17 that he is angling for a Britney Spears-style arrangement in which he can administer Lindsay's affairs.

  • Dumbass Dina
  • Does the Carpet Match the Drapes?
  • Mike Lohan

What a mess. [Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

"I'm going to see the judge this week... If I can't get a conservatorship, then I'm going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight. But I know I'm gonna get charged [with] kidnapping," the absolute moron said.

During a taping of The Maury Povich Show last week, Michael looked into the camera and relayed this message to Lindsay: "I’m gonna do anything, everything I have to save your life, whether mom likes it, the public likes it, or anyone."

In response to Dina's comment, Michael tells People: "She says I'm not focusing on being a good parent, but is [Dina] focusing on being a good parent?"

You tell her, Mike.

Insisting he is only going public for the sake of Lindsay, he says, "Look, I know sometimes I've said things I shouldnt have, but I have to help my child."

Good luck with that. Lindsay, who got plastered twice over the weekend, plans to turn to the courts and seek a restraining order against her father.

"Lindsay is actively getting a restraining order, her lawyer have already been contacted," says a Lindsay source. "She's scared. This is really serious."

by Free Britney at . Comments

Today on the Maury Povich Show, which is apparently still on the air, Michael Lohan reached out to his daughter Lindsay, a.k.a. the walking obituary.

M-Lo, who like his BFF Jon Gosselin is a candidate for Worst Parent of the Year, says Lindsay is deteriorating rapidly due to prescription drug abuse.

"There's nothing left of her," he said. "I was out in L.A. with her about three weeks ago when her house got robbed. She called me up at 3:30 a.m."

"She said, 'Daddy, come out here.' I flew out and couldn't even look at her. I had to go outside and cry. I hugged her. it's just a hollow, hollow person."

He then looked at the camera and said: "Lindsay, I love you with all my heart. I am not going to bury you. You're going to bury me before this is over."

Just what everyone wants to envision. Their dad's death. Moving.

M-Lo Blows

Michael Lohan just wants the best for Lindsay. Yeah, right.

"I will do anything and everything I have to to save your life. Whether mom likes it, or the public likes it, I am going to take all the steps I can to help you because I want you to have your life back. You're not in the right state of mind."

"You're my daughter, honey, and I can do this anymore."

The rumors and evidence of LiLo's slow, painful and inevitable demise have been rampant these days. We certainly know she sucks at fashion and life.

But on Thursday, Lindsay said that "Everything is good. I am in a really good place. I've been working a lot. I literally slept the entire day yesterday. I woke up, and it was like 10 o'clock at night. I was like, 'I have stuff to do!'"

Asked about her father, Lindsay said: "I just wish he would shut up."

Classic. Here's Michael Lohan on Maury Povich today ...

by Free Britney at . Comments

If Jon Gosselin ever needs a way to blow off steam following his many bitter and public fights with estranged wife Kate, Michael Lohan has some ideas.

Lindsay Lohan's dad stopped by Jon's home in Wernersville, Pa., on Sunday to urge the father of eight to join the Celebrity Boxing Federation. Really.

"I am in the Celebrity Boxing Federation, so I had to go to Philadelphia to meet with the chairman," Lohan said. "They asked me if Jon would fight."

Jon declined. But the occasion at least afforded his dirtbag, train wreck counterpart to meet Mady, Cara, Hannah, Leah, Alexis, Joel, Aaden and Collin.

Gosselin, Lohan said, seemed like "an unbelievable father. His kids are the most adorable children and they love him very much and he loves them."

Funny, we've also read that they hate him.

The Biggest Loser

PUT 'EM UP: Who'd you rather get in the ring with and pound senseless?

During his 90-minute stay, Lohan also rode Gosselin's dirt bike around the property and discussed their neat reality show idea, The Divorced Dads Club.

M-Lo has been pitching that to networks since the summer, when the losers became fast friends partying in the Hamptons with Jill Zarin and Kate Major.

"It looks good," he said, adding that he hopes Jon will soon get out of his TLC contract with Kate Plus 8 "so that people can see the real side" of them.

On a side note, the following conversation just happened at THG's office:

Editor: Who the heck would willingly be friends with Jon Gosselin?
Intern: Some jackass who just wants to sponge off of his fame.
Editor: Who the heck would be friends with Michael Lohan?
Intern: A douchebag.

So young, yet so smart. This kid's getting a raise.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

We never thought we'd say this, but props must be given to Bethenny Frankel.

The attention-seeking D-lister doesn't mere star on a reality show (The Real Housewives of New York City), she blogs about another reality show (The Real Housewives of Atlanta) for E! News.

In her most recent entry, Frankel comments on the ridiculous fact that Michael Lohan was involved in a restaurant scene with Kim Zolciak. She wrote:

Michael Lohan is a termite whose own daughter won't associate with him. He has leeched onto Jill Zarin and Jon Gosselin and now has moved to Atlanta. What an embarrassment. I cried when [Nene Leakes] said for him to get his ass back to Malibu. Unfortunately, he probably can't afford Malibu. His last name might as well be Ho-han. That man is a press ho, and coming from me, that's a pretty big statement.

Game. Set. Match, Bethenny Frankel!

Expect Lohan to reply with a biblical passage any moment now...

  • Lohan, Michael
  • Fired Up Frankel

Thanks to the nutbaggery that is Michael Lohan, we're actually on the side of Bethenney Frankel for a change. [Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

by Free Britney at . Comments

Perennial Father of the Year candidate and new Jon Gosselin BFF Michael Lohan called the LAPD early this morning to report a break-in at Lindsay's house.

Michael claims a safe was ripped off the wall and a couple of watches were taken from Lindsay Lohan. Michael also believes it's "an inside job" since the people that work for his anorexic waif daughter "failed to turn the alarm on."

Lindsay Lohan Clubbing

"I am not going to put up with individuals violating my family," Michael said, ironically since he spent several years in prison for fraud, was estranged from his own kids for some time, and is generally one of the shadier characters around.

"Lindsay is a charitable, generous person that always gives," he continued, also ironically since we all know what Lindsay gives with astounding frequency.

"This is a personal violation and it has got to stop."

LIL-OH-NO: People keep ransacking the crap out of Lindsay Lohan.

A source on scene says that three men were captured by surveillance video breaking into Lindsay's house in the Hollywood Hills. Lindsay came home early this morning (3 a.m., natch), discovered the break-in and called ... Michael.

LAPD officers are currently on the scene investigating. Michael says that in addition to the safe being ripped out of the wall, bags, shoes and jewelry were taken as well.

The police have yet to officially confirm these or any details.

Lindsay Lohan's house was also broken into in May. The suspects were captured on surveillance video and left after presumably being scared by the alarm.

Mom Dina Lohan said Lindsay was planning to move even before last night's break-in occurred: "[sister Ali Lohan] and Linds just left me in New York, and left people in charge to pack, as we are moving her to a safer place."

by Free Britney at . Comments

No word on whether they were trying to set a record for most douchebags at a single dinner table, but Jon Gosselin met up with Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, in Southampton Wednesday night. Yes, we are quite serious.

With Jon were Kate Major, the celebrity gossip reporter (for Star) who he was seen having dinner with earlier this week, and Real Housewives star Jill Zarin.

Obviously.

"Jon is a friend, he's a great guy, he needed a place to get away to, and my doors were open to him and Kate Major," said Michael Lohan, who's apparently doing better after threatening to kill his fiancee and himself in May.

"Jon and Kate [Major] are good friends of mine. She's with him [at Lohan's house]. Kate's like a daughter to me. When she needs a place my doors are open."

"Jon is a really nice guy. All he does is to talk about his kids," Lohan says, adding that Kate Major "only has his best interests at heart."

Jon G.

We definitely did not see this bromance coming.

The strange foursome reportedly met the mayor of Southampton, N.Y., for dinner. Gosselin and Major have been in Southampton together for three days now.

Is there something romantic going on there?

Gosselin and Major were first spotted together at NYC eatery Accademia di Vino over this past weekend. Some say she "was flirting shamelessly with Jon" at the Italian restaurant, but they are believed to be just friends. We think.

Jon has been dating 22-year-old stoner family friend Hailey Glassman since splitting with wife Kate Gosselin earlier this year. Maybe you heard about that.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Since his release from prison, Michael Lohan has often encouraged daughter Lindsay to follow the path of God.

In light of his most recent arrest, though, we can't help but wonder if God would like to request a new mouthpiece.

According to The New York Post, the Lohan patriarch is in trouble with the law again. On March 18, fiancee Erin Muller tried to dump Michael. In response, he allegedly threatened to kill her and then himself.

You don't deserve to die for making a poor dating decision, Erin Muller. But Michael Lohan? Really?!?

The newspaper reports that Lohan was arrested on April 6. He appeared in court yesterday and faces a year behind bars if convicted on the latest charges.

Meanwhile, Michael is due in family court today. He owes $12,000 in child support.

This guy almost makes Dina Lohan seem like a model parent. Only not at all.

** UPDATE: Michael told E! News: "By no means did I threaten to cause harm to Erin or myself.... Erin even told the court that she didn't want to pursue anything. It's all going to be dropped."

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

The Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson break-up is great for at least one individual:

Michael Lohan.

The end of his daughter's relationship has given this crazy father an opportunity to jump into the spotlight.

"Breakups are never pretty and they're never easy. I'm here for Lindsay any time," Michael told Extra. "I've cleared my schedule to go meet her in L.A."

He's also made time to bash Lindsay's mother again.

"I hope Dina takes good care of her in the meantime. At a time like this she needs someone standing by her side. It's about time she had both parents with her, without Dina driving a wedge between us. It's time for Lindsay to resurrect her life and career."

Don't worry, Mike. Lindsay is way ahead of you. That self-tanner will totally turn her career around!

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

There will be no shutting Michael Lohan up now.

The irresponsible father of Lindsay and Ali (and Ashley Kaufman!) has discovered the Internet, creating his own blog and letting the world in on every last thought that enters his marble-sized brain.

The latest? He's declaring peace between himself and his daughter.

"There is a truce between Lindsay and I, so please stop adding any fuel to the fire," Michael wrote yesterday on his new official site, MikeLohanOnline.com. "I respectfully ask that all sources, so called friends and mouthpieces refrain from any more comments or suggestions on her blog."

As Israel continues to declare war on Hamas, Michael Lohan aims for peace with Lindsay Lohan.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

There's one thing Michael Lohan loves more than attention: the almighty.

On his new blog, MichaelLohanOnline.com, the awful father rails against daughter Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, and then encourages all readers to seek the TRUTH. To wit:

I made mistakes, but I righted the wrongs. I continue to hold myself accountable for everything I did and continue to do! I speak the truth! I love God and I love people who speak and know the truth!

Michael Lohan is peaceful, well-dressed and utterly insane.

NONE of us are perfect, but we should strive to be as perfect as we can. Don’t use people, don’t lie about people, don’t bare false witness, don’t be envious or jealous and certainly don’t LIE!

Remember, God is the TRUTH (John 14:6) and the devil is a liar (John 8:44). So you have two choices, represent God (the Truth) or the devil (a liar).

So, if you want the REAL Story, and if you want to have a voice and hear the truth, join right in!