Michael Lohan

Never one to shy away from a quote, Michael Lohan has confirmed that he's close to marrying long-time girlfriend Erin Muller.

"We picked out a ring, but it's not official," the father of Ali and Lindsay told E!, addiing that Muller has accepted his proposal, but the couple is waiting for "some family issues [to be] resolved" before the official announcement is made.

What family issues, you may be wondering?

Well, there's still the issue of whether or not Lohan is the father of Ashley Kaufmann, an allegation that surfaced earlier this year.

"We're waiting for the paternity test," Michael said, giving Muller just the tiniest glimpse of the life in store for her.

Erin Muller must not read celebrity gossip websites.

That's the only excuse this woman would have to marry Michael Lohan, which OK! reports is actually set to take place.

"Michael recently proposed to his girlfriend Erin Muller," a source told that tabloid. "But they're keeping it quiet for the moment."

Michael Lohan is engaged to Erin Muller.

The couple may not be saying anything out loud - until magazines shell out the big bucks, of course - but the ring Erin flashed last weekend at the Mercedez-Benz Bridgehampton Polo Tournament made it clear this pair is engaged.

It's a good thing Eric isn't a lesbian. Lohan hates those.

The war of words between Michael Lohan and CNN anchor Anderson Cooper doesn't appear to be going away - or getting any less funny.

While guest-hosting Live with Regis & Kelly, Anderson Cooper went off the Lohans, calling their reality show, Living Lohan, a "train wreck."

No argument here. But then he offered up this quote re: Ali Lohan:

"Allegedly a 14-year-old girl, who looks to be about 60, and I say that with concern and love," Anderson said of Lindsay's younger sister.

"She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort ... striptease person, I don't even know."

Ali's mother, Dina Lohan, fired back at the CNN newsman, telling OK! Magazine, "People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him."

Rather than letting this fizzle out and moving on to something important, Anderson Cooper kept the war of words going on his show, AC360:

"Let me just reiterate, I feel bad for the 14-year-old daughter. She seems like a nice person, but she should be a kid, not in a [reality show]," he said.

That's when Ali Lohan's father, and Dina's ex, Michael Lohan, came to the teenager's defense, sounding off to Access Hollywood about the anchor:

"I think Anderson Cooper is an opinionated, hypocritical idiot who should be an adult and keep his opinion to himself. He is the last person to judge anyone, when he and his own family have their own issues."

Snap! Seems like AC is just calling it like he sees it - but did he go too far?

Michael Lohan is a law-breaking lesbian hater.

The father of Lindsay Lohan, who spent time in prison, recently told MSNBC's The Scoop that he wants his daughter to "to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path."

But if that means rumors of her impending nuptials to Samantha Ronson are true, well, count Michael out.

“I haven’t heard anything from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my (Christian) faith … she just wouldn’t ask," he said.

While Jesus may not believe in gay marriage, he does apparently believe in cell phones strapped to one's waist. After all, they may be calling you back to the loony bin any day now, right, Michael?

Cue the violins for Michael Lohan.

A sorrowful voice mail left by the ex-convict to daughter Lindsay Lohan has hit the Web. In the audio clip, Michael apologizes to his daughter for constantly talking to the press about her life. His bad!

Here are excerpts from the message:

I know that you were annoyed that I gave an interview and my need to comment about the people you are around... Honey, I'm sorry. I am telling you, I just love you. And I promise you, I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again.

Michael Lohan loves attention more than his family.

One of the reasons why I got so concerned is because we used to talk all the time. We were always texting, and then the texting was sporadic. You weren't returning phone calls, so I was concerned.

Look, I love you, honey. Please, please don't do this anymore. Pick up the phone and talk to me. Everything from now on is between you and me [with the exception of this voice mail, which I leaked to make me look sympathetic]. And I promise you, I will not go back on it, I will not break my word...

Will Lindsay take Michael up on his word? Do you even care if she does? And what does possibly illegitimate daughter Ashley Kaufmann think of all this?

We'll have more on As the Lohans Turn when news breaks!

Ashley Kaufmann, your worst nightmare might soon come true.

Celebrity gossip tabloid In Touch Weekly has published the first pictures of the 13-year-old girl who may be the spawn of Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael.

Ashley's mother, Kristi Kaufmann, has made just such a claim.

Is Ashley Kaufmann the half-sister of - gulp! - Lindsay Lohan?

At first, Michael Lohan admitted it. Now, he denies it. The ex-convict has submitted his DNA for a paternity test and has said that if Ashley is his, he' ll accept responsibility.

"I've seen pictures and, to tell the truth, there are similarities with Linds," Michael said.

There are? Really? We don't see cocaine residue anywhere on Ashley Kaufman, nor is she carrying around a bedpost on which she can carve a new notch every night.

We'll keep you updated on this story as news breaks.

Welcome, celebrity news readers, to The Hollywood Gossip Caption Contest, our fun Friday afternoon tradition.

Who won this week's Caption Contest? Let's take a look.

It was a very difficult decision, as so many of your replies were great, but we ended up picking Dmazillion. Congratulations!

The winning reply appears beneath the photo. Thanks to all of you, readers, for playing and best of luck again in this week's!

Why is Lindsay kissing Samantha Ronson when she can have you, Kim?

Are Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson a couple?

Days after pics of these two nuzzling necks in Cannes surfaced, the man whose sperm is responsible for Lindsay's existence told Us Weekly that her relationship with Ronson "is evident to anyone with half a brain."

In other words: Jessica Simpson has no idea it's going on.

But "just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn't want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false," Michael Lohan said

Michael added that Lindsay "is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God." (And the latest person sharing her bed, of course.)

It's none of his business, and he'd never exploit his daughter to a celebrity gossip tabloid, but Michael Lohan says Lindsay is totally doing Samantha Ronson!

Meanwhile, Michael also had to take a swipe at his ex-wife, Dina Lohan.

"Maybe her mother's life revolves around the tabloids and reports, but mine doesn't," he said. "I am into setting a good example and doing good things that don't deceive or exploit my kids."

Well said, Michael! The tabloid you exploited your kid to wrote the quote down perfectly.

If you thought Living Lohan was a pathetic attempt for Dina Lohan to pretend like she was a decent mother... well, you were right.

But don't think for a moment that Michael Lohan, Lindsay's ex-con of a father and Dina ex-husband, is gonna sit around and let his former wife soak up every watt of the spotlight.

The man that almost makes Joe Simpson looks sane is being paid by OK! magazine to blog about every week's episode. Here's what he had to say about last night's season premiere:

For now, let's just say I'm still trying to figure out if this show is about managing Ali's career and being a "real" mother, or reading tabloids. I've had a sneak peek at some future episodes and I will say that some of the people Dina surrounds the kids with still concerns me... I just hope Dina takes the high road â€" like a Lohan would â€" and rights these wrongs.

Ah yes, like a Lohan would. The most recent wrong Lindsay has righted involved those that think butch-looking DJs named Samantha Ronson can't find love.

Well, maybe not you personally. Unless you've sold Lindsay Lohan drugs, that is.

But Michael Lohan - the Firecrotch Queen's father, who makes Joe Simpson appear relatively sane - is taking the law into his own hands:

"I've been looking for the people who've been selling my daughter and these other kids the drugs. And come hell or high water, one day I'm going to expose them. God is going to get even with this guy. God is going to get even with this guy. He's destroyed a lot of lives."

Hear that, Peter Doherty?