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Under fire for attacking his fiancee, loser Michael Lohan declared when confronted by cameras yesterday that his engagement to Kate Major is officially dead.

Marrying someone you are legally required to stay at least 100 yards away from and are not allowed to contact even via a third party can be difficult.

The deadbeat father of Lindsay was accused of assaulting Major, a former Star reporter and assistant to his train wreck daughter, earlier in the week.

That will put a damper on an engagement in a hurry.

YOU SUCK, MIKE! The elder Lohan's latest fiancee, who agreed to marry him for unknown reasons, lasted three whole months before filing a criminal complaint.

Lohan's lawyer, meanwhile, is scoffing at allegations that he physically attacked and threatened to kill Kate, saying that her claims don't add up.

If he really did what she said, Lisa Bloom argues why was he charged with a petty offense? Michael will face a second degree harassment charge.

"Most often, second degree harassment violations are resolved by the payment of a fine of up to $250," Bloom told TMZ in a statement.

"Second degree harassment is the lowest level charge that can be brought in connection with an alleged domestic violence incident."

Bloom says the charge is used "when there are no substantial physical injuries alleged, which is the case here" and Michael is "100% innocent."

Basically, don't expect to see him in jail with Lindsay.

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Kate Major, Lindsay Lohan's ex-assistant and Michael Lohan's soon-to-be ex-fiancee, says he threatened to kill her, called her a "c**t" and kicked her in the face.

Never a sign of a stable, long-term relationship.

According to the police report and formal complaint she filed against the deadbeat dad she somehow agreed to marry, Michael Lohan assaulted her - and worse:

"My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair. He woke me up, yelling, 'Why didn't you pick up your cell phone, you stupid c**t.'"

"He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor. I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him. He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in the face while I was still on the ground."

Michael Lohan Mug Shot

"He stood over me and said, 'I'm going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.' He said all of this to me cause he is afraid I'm going to leave him."

"I am very afraid of him."

So are we. He and Mel Gibson should get together and swap ideas.

Kate Major says she hit her head on the wall, then the floor as she fell. According to the police report, officials observed "Minor swelling observed on [her] lip."

Michael says there was an argument but denied touching Kate. Apparently police don't buy it, since Kate now has "Temporary Order of Protection" against him.

The Order prohibits the hothead loser from communicating with Major in any way. He's also prohibited from having a "third party" contact or threaten her.

In the Order, signed by a judge at the Southampton Justice Court, he cannot engage in "any acts or threats of physical violence." We'll see if he can resist.

UPDATE: Michael has been charged with second degree harassment for the incident. He will be formally arraigned in Southampton, N.Y., court August 18.

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Kate Major, who recently got engaged to Michael Lohan for some reason, is accusing Lindsay's father of committing domestic violence earlier this week.

We're shocked. He's such an upstanding guy.

Derek Lowe Mug Shot

According to TMZ, Michael's fiancee and Lindsay's ex-assistant filed a report with the Southampton, N.Y., Town Police claiming he physically attacked her.

On Monday at around 2 p.m., just before Michael flew to L.A. for the court hearing at which Lindsay was jailed, they began arguing, Kate told officials.

Michael allegedly shoved her over a chair, injuring her shoulder.

Michael Lohan's relationship track record just got sketchier.

Even more disturbingly, Kate Major claims that while she was on the ground after being pushed by Michael, the pathetic loser kicked her in the face.

She claims she went to the hospital and has pictures of her injuries. Wow. Looks like M-Lo may have added woman-beater to his gleaming resume.

For his part, Michael admits he got in an argument with Kate over their upcoming TV show (?!) but he didn't touch her and she's making it all up.

Why would she do that exactly? He didn't say. Think he's lying? He's also been accused of similar behavior by his most recent ex-fiancee, Erin Muller.

And he's served time in prison on multiple occasions. Just sayin'.

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What's a parent for if he can't impart his life's wisdom and comfort his daughter in her time of need? Enter Michael Lohan, perennial Father of the Year candidate.

Mike, who spent three years in prison after being convicted of insider trading, has a little advice for Lindsay Lohan, who must report to jail on July 20 for 90 days.

"It's not going to be a good experience for her. Right now, she should be working on rectifying the situation and getting better," worried Michael tells Us Weekly.

"It's just a horrible experience. Twenty-three hours a day, she'll be locked up. I'm going to get her out of that cell as much as I can. And Kate will be there, and we'll work to get her out of that cell as much as possible."

Kate is Kate Major, his fiancee, with whom he dined at New York's STK restaurant. Kate worked as Linds' assistant and dated Jon Gosselin last year. Gross.

Lohan Cries

SO HELPFUL: Michael is always looking out for attention Lindsay.

Michael admits Lindsay is currently refusing to speak to him "because she knows I still want to throw her in [rehab]. I've been trying to tell her how much I love her, that I'm behind her, that when she's ready, I'm ready to help her."

He adds, "If she would just realize that what she's taking is toxic. Dina has denied that Lindsay is on prescription meds. Lindsay has denied that she is on prescription meds. Her friends have. Everyone has! And look at her! They're lying."

But Lindsay, who may appeal her sentence, "is not a criminal. She's a person with a disease. She really is. She needs help. She needs medical attention."

Never one to leave well enough alone, or shut the f**k up for any reason, M-Lo had a few words for his ex-wife: "Dina should be concentrating on helping Lindsay get off prescription drugs instead of stealing Fudgy the Whales from Carvel!"

Oooh, good one. Jackass.

Lindsay belongs in ...

 

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Lindsay Lohan has posted bail in her DUI probation violation case, plunking down a fat $10,000 and will subsequently not be arrested, according to reports.

The star's bail had been set at $100,000, but when Lohan's people dropped the standard 10 percent, the judge then recalled the warrant for Lohan's arrest.

Lindsay and her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, will be in court Monday at 8:30. Judge Marsha Revel will then set a date for a probation violation hearing.

The judge believes there is probable cause to believe Lindsay violated the terms of her probation by failing to complete alcohol education courses this year.

Lohan had been due in court yesterday, but was stuck in Cannes, France, after her passport was stolen (allegedly). Just a poor stunt to miss the hearing?

Lindsay says no way - it was stolen all right, and in typical finger-pointing fashion, she says her estranged father, Michael Lohan, was behind the charade.

Lohan the Wreck

Lindsay Lohan has staved off an airport arrest ... for now.

"I always said my father had someone do it," the delusional actress said.

The train wreck, who could face 180 days in jail if prosecutors throw the book at her and the judge agrees she violated her probation, is clearly in denial.

Yes, Lindsay and Michael's already-strained relationship has gotten more contentious in recent months, but his stated goal is to get her into rehab, not jail.

If he did gank her passport, which would be a practical impossibility anyway, he would be fast-tracking her to the slammer, which doesn't benefit anybody.

He's a tool, sure. But give it up, girl. He's not behind this.

His lawyer Lisa Bloom said as much. "Lindsay needs treatment, and jail is not going to help ... Michael was working very hard behind the scenes to help."

Of the allegations, she says: "Lindsay is obviously angry with Michael because he wanted her to go to rehab for several months. She's lashing out at him."

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Michael Lohan will stop at nothing to beg for attention email baseless, immature threats to THG save Lindsay Lohan's life. And he's got himself a plan.

The actress' father's "rehab plan" for her sounds awesome, too. It involves locking her in a lavish castle right in the middle of ... Long Island. Really.

Late last week, Mike asked the judge in Lindsay's DUI case to send her to rehab in lieu of sending her to jail for missing alcohol education classes ... and the place Michael suggested to send her is the very expensive Oheka Castle.

Sounds great. Just two things:

  1. The castle isn't even a rehab facility.
  2. It costs $10,000 a day. A tad steep for Lindsay these days, what with her struggling to find work and consolidate credit card debt and all.
Ali and Lindsay Lohan Rollin'

HAIL TO THE PRINCESS: Michael Lohan's idea of getting Lindsay Lohan "proper" treatment sounds pretty sweet to us. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Michael claims "several family members have come forward" to help pay for Lindsay's treatment and is hoping the castle's owner will give him a family discount.

Don't hold your breath, dude. That's the place Kevin Jonas married Danielle Deleasa. Business is great at the resort ... we don't see a discount in your future.

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Michael Lohan is a tool.

Seriously. He may very well want his daughter Lindsay to get help. His intentions there may be genuine. But he remains a Grade A fame-obsessed loser.

On the Move and Probably Hammered

When he's not emailing THG, he can't refrain from trashing Lindsay Lohan to any media outlet that will listen, regarding any topic that comes to mind. 

After hearing that Lindsay's new acting role - as Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace in an upcoming biopic of the porn star - Mike couldn't hide his disgust.

"Oh, I don't even want to go there!" he said Friday - but then he went there.

"Come on! Seriously - why? She did Parent Trap, Confessions [of a Teenage Drama Queen], Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, Just My Luck and Herbie. And you know what? Georgia Rule was a fantastic movie. People don't give her credit for it."

1. No it wasn't, and 2. Thanks for reading her IMDB page, Mike.

You know these two pictures are really old because 1. Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan are both in them, together, and 2. She looks really happy and alert!

"Now this? Why? Who makes these decisions? If I was there, it would never happen, believe me. There's no way to resurrect your career after that."

"So many people have come to me with offers for Lindsay for great family-style films, general audience kind of releases, but you know ... whatever."

Earth to Mike: The career has already bottomed out. Girl might as well get paid, and have you ever heard of typecasting? Lindsay Lohan. Linda Lovelace.

They've got more in common than alliterative names, let's just say that.

Still, Michael remains hopeful that better days lie ahead.

"Don't give up hope. I am telling you now, if she gets the help that she needs, she is going to be right back on top, just like Robert Downey, Jr."

On top of Samantha Ronson, maybe. That's about it.

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What happened to shutting up until May 13?

Shockingly, you can't take anything Michael Lohan says at face value. Despite trying to work things out, he's still on his ex-wife and daughter's cases.

Michael's lawyer, Lisa Bloom, says that in no uncertain terms, Michael is not backing down or backing off his efforts to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab.

This came after reports that Mike had backed off his demand for a conservatorship and was no longer going to force the issue. Not to worry - he is!

As for Dina, he plans to continuing riding her as well. In the figurative sense, anyway, about being her enabler ... we don't need anymore offspring.

Lindsay and Dina Picture

ADDICT, ENABLER: Michael Lohan wants to pry the former from the latter.

Lawyers for Michael and Lindsay are "trying to resolve things amicably," but resolving it amicably doesn't mean Michael's gonna back down, nor will he back off.

Bloom was quoted earlier: "There has been no agreement as to anything. All options remain open to save and protect Lindsay. That is Michael's #1 priority."

"Michael wants Lindsay in rehab. If she doesn't, all options remain open. Her decision not to meet with him or go to rehab puts him in a difficult position."

He doesn't want Lindsay in jail, though he may not have a choice. She can tell off haters all she wants, but a probation violation is a probation violation.

Whose side are you on?

 

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So much for that pledge to shut up mercifully until May 13. Michael Lohan will be back in L.A. Monday ... and he's already telling people that he's going to start the legal ball rolling to create a conservatorship for Lindsay Lohan.

That would leave him, or a court-appointed third party, in charge of the actress' finances, career, medical decisions and pretty much her whole life.

Hey, it worked for Britney Spears.

No word if he would actually be granted such a role, but Mike says he'd gladly serve as conservator but is open to someone else in the role as well.

Lindsay is in New York City right now but refuses to see her father, who has been angling to meet with her for weeks. Michael says it's now time.

This photo of Michael Lohan has absolutely nothing to do with this article or his turbulent relationship with Lindsay Lohan. Though in a way it explains so much.

Michael Lohan also says he does not want his daughter to go to jail, and fears that she will die, as do many people close to her and on our staff.

In the immediate future, however, jail is the more imminent threat.

Lindsay Lohan is likely to be jailed because she has squarely violated the terms of her probation in her DUI case and a big court day of May 20 looms.

Michael wants Lindsay in rehab but not a traditional, group facility. He wants to go the Brooke Mueller route - a private home with lots of doctors. 

What Michael isn't factoring in, of course, is how that type of rehab is real expensive and Lindsay has no job and is saddled with credit card debt.

It's the thought that counts, though.

 

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Michael Lohan swears he'll pipe down for the next two weeks ... provided his dysfunctional ex-wife gets her act in that time, otherwise it is SO on again.

Issuing a deadline to Dina Lohan - giving her over two weeks to sit down and talk about Lindsay and Ali Lohan - Mike promises to STFU for the moment.

After that, though, he will drag N.Y. State into the War of the Lohans.

He and Dina will meet face-to-face on May 13 for a deposition in their child support battle, and that's when he wants to talk about 16-year-old Ali Lohan.

Specifically, Michael has issues with the fact that she's living in L.A. with Lindsay ... who's appeared less than stable lately. That's putting it kindly, too.

A Mike Lohan Pic

Michael Lohan is doing all living things a favor and offering to shut up until May 13. That's when he's threatening to bring the state into his escalating family drama.

Michael says if Dina Lohan dodges the conversation that day, he will quickly get Child Protective Services of New York State involved in the ugly situation.

Presumably the agency has jurisdiction since Ali's address is still in N.Y.? Michael struck out attempting to raid her house and free Ali in L.A. last week.

Michael claims he'll be quiet until the "deadline."

No word if his self-imposed gag order means only interviews or also includes a moratorium on Tweets about Lindsay being HIV positive. One can hope.

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