by Mischalova at . Comments

For Michael Lohan, the season premiere of Prison Break was nothing but a tease. Nevertheless, Lindsay's father recently penned a letter (and included a cartoon drawing) from behind bars.

Michael Lohan in Jail

Just because the man is serving serving up to four years for drunken driving, contempt of court and beating his brother-in-law bloody with a shoe (take that, Mel Gibson!), it doesn't mean he can't find time to share thoughts on his relationship with Lindsay and the villains who are allegedly driving them apart.

In the strange cartoon, Michael includes money-hungry lawyers with devil's horns, a prison guard, a paparazzo and an woman who might be Lindsay's mom, Dina, or her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik. They're all tearing the daughter away from her dear old dad. Where are the violins playing, though?

On the back of the cartoon, the artist has scribbled: "The Spiritual Realities and Physical Elements of the truth behind this whole situation." We'd accuse Paris Hilton of pulling a stunt such as this - but no way she knows what those words mean.

In his accompanying handwritten letter, Lohan discusses his "stupid decisions," his new spirituality, an inspirational book he's written and his intention to help troubled teens through a ministry when he gets out of prison. Other quotes include:

- "Lindsay is a talented, loving, blessed and free-spirited person. I believe nothing I read about her unless I hear it from Lindsay herself. And she's always been honest with me."

- "If Mr. Robinson wrote a letter to her, that is his right. He is a respectable man and I'm sure he felt it as his obligation … But I do know how things get twisted and I'm sure there is an honest explanation."

-"While I don't think [Kate Moss] is the best mentor based on reports, these reports could be twisted. To which, I hope and pray (as it appears) Kate has turned her life around as well."

- Harry Morton "appears private, respectable, and my friends in Vegas only have good things to say about him and his family."

- Oil heir Brandon Davis, who repeatedly mocked Lindsay as "firecrotch": "All I can say is that I am happy that God gave me a new way of looking at, and pitying, people like Brandon. I pray for his soul!"

The Gossip prays for more material such as this. It's a gold mine.

by Mischalova at . Comments


Is it comforting or frightening to know the awful apple doesn't fall from the crazy tree? Consider this question as you ponder Lindsay Lohan and her mother.

Reports state that Dina Lohan is developing her own talk show. Dina, who acts as her daughter's manager, has been sued for fraud and is responsible for giving birth to such a sexually deviant prima donna, claims she is the perfect host for a show because people feel comfortable telling her their problems.

Linds in Court

"Lindsay's friends call me the 'white Oprah
Winfrey
' because they all come to me with their problems. I'm like the mom of these kids in the business. I love to talk. I have a talk show in the works. It's more of an Apprentice-type game show thing. I would host it and co-produce it. We're shopping it around."

That's crazy. No way Lindsay Lohan has any friends.

by Mischalova at . Comments

The reasons why Lindsay Lohan was reportedly left off the guest list of a Justin Timberlake concert are confounding.

Awake at Ivy

The Gossip can only take wild guesses as to why her Lohan-ness didn't garner an invite to a JT gig in Los Angeles last weekend. Here are a few:

  • Lindsay actually did receive one ... but thought it was a Paris Hilton prank.
  • She sucks a lot.
  • It was a stalker-free show.
  • She's an awful human being.
  • Timberlake hates - and we mean HATES - firecrotches.

A JT source did make the reasoning fairly apparent, however:

"The last thing his label wanted was Lindsay getting hammered and making a spectacle of herself, taking attention away from Justin and his new album."

Oh. That also makes a lot of sense.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Just when you thought a feud between Paris Hilton and her dog would overtake the heiress' rivalry with Lindsay Lohan, Hilton's posse was seen lashing out at everyone least favorite red head.

  • Butter Time!
  • Lindsay Lohan Crotch Shot

Following a Justin Timberlake concert at the House of Blues on Friday night, Paris, sister Nicky, Hollywood bad boy Brandon Davis and Scott Storch, the producer of Paris' new CD, found themselves at In-N-Out Burger at 2 a.m. in Hollywood.

Wait, Paris was at an In-N-Out joint despite swearing off sex for a year? That liar!

Anyway. As the group left, a photographer heard someone in the party of four use the word "firecrotch." This, of course, was the infamous way in which Davis referred to Lohan in a taped rant a few months ago.

The photographer, God bless his curious heard, heard the reference and asked, "What did you say about firecrotch?" Storch replied, "We're actually celebrating firecrotch day."

As Storch and Paris got in the vehicle - which sported bright red interior - the music producer added, "We even have firecrotch interior for the occasion ... in special honor of her freckled puss."

That's a lovely image. It's one the troops in Iraq can't wait to see.

Hilton was smiling during the exchange, obviously proud of Storch for landing such a parting shot. We imagine the posse then sped off and left numerous voice mails on Lindsay's cell phone, freckling that puss with insult after insult.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Typically, we'd be in favor of ANYthing that causes Lindsay Lohan to lose sleep and fire off hilarious, self-pitying emails.
However, the problem with the news that someone is stalking Lohan is this: it makes the sex-crazed anorexic think she's important. After all, you don't see random celebrities such as Bob Uecker being stalked.

Oh, wait.

Walking Train Wreck

The alleged stalker has sent several letters to Lohan asking to meet her, each one ending with his name and phone number. This is the worst stalker ever! A source connected to Lohan says her "top notch" security is getting in touch with the man in question.

In addition to sending letters, the obsessed fan has sent Lohan flowers at the studio. The nerve! Of course, Lindsay isn't used to receiving anything from men but a check on the bedroom dresser. If you know what we're saying.

We're saying she's a dirty harlot.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Someone is gonna feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan dammit! She doesn't care what she has to do to draw it out of people.

You don't care that she almost witnessed a paparazzi accident? Almost, people! What about the fact that she was downright exhausted?

  • Cannes Babe
  • Lindsay Lohan Crotch Shot
  • Placing a Call

Ok, try this one, readers: Lohan has revealed that Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis went through a phase of prank calling her around the time they appeared on a video insulting her.

That's like, a few minutes of wasted cell phone minutes at a time!

Lindsay told Elle magazine: "I started getting prank calls from them on my voicemail. They'd be screaming and saying stuff that was said in the video."

But don't worry, Lohan spent hours thinking of a witty comeback. In regard to the Paris/Brandon conversation that was filmed, the Mean Girls actress proved she could star in a sequel, REALLY Mean Girls:

"Obviously, [Paris is] very comfortable making videos."

Oh. No. She. Didn't. If Lindsay uses such wrath on Al-Qaeda, consider the war on terror over.

The last time these two man soup repositories met was at Butter nightclub in New York. Oddly enough, that was the same thing each had had for dinner the night before.

Paris accused Lindsay of trying to "steal" Paris' on-and-off-again boyfriend Stavros Niarchos:

"She went off on this Stavros thing, grabbing my arm, saying, ‘I can't believe you f**king called Stavros.'"

Here's what The Gossip calls: President Bush needs to start a war on spoiled skanks. At least this one would be justified.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Lindsay Lohan has gone from feeling sorry for herself to feeling sorry for those terroristic terrorists that dare to cross her path.

That's right, the party-going tramp is sick of the social scene in the States and wants to visit the troops in Iraq, especially if she's accompanied by New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Lindsay Lohan Looking Respectable

"I've been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long," Lohan tells Elle magazine in its September issue, after she was asked if she had any big plans for next year. "Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous."

But do you think L-Squared is scared? Pishaw!

"I'm not afraid of going," she says. "My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I'm going to start taking shooting lessons."

Now THAT would result in some shock and awe in the war on terrorism. After all, redheads are fiery!

Of course, Lohan has aspirations aside from stopping violence in the Middle East and orally servicing every member of the army. She dreams bigger.

"I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be."

Did she say pinup or complete and utter failure as a human being? Because the second one was assured a long time ago.

Elsewhere in the Elle interview, Lohan says she's never had plastic surgery ("I've never done anything") and isn't using cocaine ("I'm not. There you have it. It's not true").

We're convinced.

But, wait, were we duped?!? Lohan went on to say she does like to fool with the press (she was 40 minutes late to the Elle interview) and tells reporters "things that aren't true … just because it's fun."

So, is that true? Or was Lohan lying about lying? Is she actually is high on cocaine right now? Probably.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Her mother is a fraud. She's a drunken, irresponsible mess. But it took a recent paparazzi problem to truly shake Lindsay Lohan.

The following is an email - word for grammatically incorrect, self-centered word - Lohan sent in reference to this life-altering event:

Nice Footwear

Almost witnessed 3kids being hit by paparazzi ... Never in my life had an expirience as I just did with the paparazzi. I am not kidding I am shaking, cannot breathe a bit, scared, anxious and sad.

If someone doesn't feel bad, than I will feel bad for myself. It is disgusting what these g-d damn people are doing to me. As well as the people in my life that I work with/for. Its vulgar and I'm saddened for myself.

And, ANY of those willing to fall into judging me in any way in the future, or past. Can watch the video tapes that these men/women take of me while they are being invasive towards my DAY off.... Which I never have anymore. (Send that to Morgan Creek)

G-d Bless.
xxl

Phew. It's a good thing she ALMOST witnessed this catastrophe. What would have happened to her virgin (HAHA!!!!) eyes if she had actually viewed this horror?

Meanwhile, estimations are rolling in about what the signatre, "xxl," stands for. Some possibilities:

  • Extra, extra lazy
  • Extremely, extraordinarily licentious
  • Expectant X-Laxer

What are your ideas for Lohan's self-given moniker?

by Mischalova at . Comments

Many things can be said about Lindsay Lohan - and most of them involve her propensity for sucking and/or lack of eating. But the skeletal skank knows how to remain in the news.

With help from her mom, Dina, who knows how long American can go on talking about this desperate diva. The latest from Lohan land? Lindsay has been summoned to be questioned in her mother's court battle over a music deal.

Skinny Legs

Dina is being sued for fraud after signing her daughter to a record deal with producers Antonio Almeida and Mitchell Chait. Almeida and Chait claim that in 2002 and 2003 they helped Lindsay cut half of the tracks of her album "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen."

Absolutely NO way that title was in reference to herself.

The suit alleges tens of thousands of dollars were given to Lohan, but the star jumped ship, turned down any meals on this new vessel and recorded the album with music mogul Tommy Mottola instead.

Lindsay has now been subpoenaed to testify in this case, according to documents filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court. It's bound to be an exhausting experience.

The Vegas duo is asking Lohan to be present in Los Angeles on August 29, 2006, for an oral deposition. Come on. Really? Can you make it any easier for us?

Lindsay Lohan Biography

Lindsay Lohan Photo Lindsay Lohan is a troubled actress that hasn't starred in a mainstream movie in years. The star has been arrested for drug possession... More »
Born
Birthplace
New York City
Full Name
Lindsay Dee Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Quotes

Tell him he's f*cking amazing, and I want to meet him.

Lindsay Lohan [on Michael Phelps]

I just want to live a happy, healthy year and continue on the path I've been on and be with the person I care about and my family.

Lindsay Lohan
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