by Mischalova at . Comments

As far as celebrity news headlines go, the sentence above is as surprising as any of the following:

Britney Spears is a train wreck.

Email Check

Suri Cruise is cute.

Victoria Beckham likes to wear tight shirts.

Nevertheless, new information has surfaced regarding just how much Lindsay Lohan loves to wet her sexual appetite. It's our job to pass it along.

A source told Star magazine that the Firecrotch Queen has "been having erotic dreams about her former lovers, like Calum Best, Wilmer Valderrama, and Jared Leto. Her counsellors are trying to get her to understand that she's substituting one addiction for another."

The insider added: "Besides the obvious dangers of STDs, having indiscriminate sex can lead to emotional heartbreak, and that can lead to drug and alcohol abuse. If she doesn't come to grips with this, Lindsay is going to find herself back in rehab-sex addiction."

Maybe she'll be joined there by Kim Kardashian.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Sorry, guys.

We know you're dying to see Lindsay Lohan nude or Jennifer Love Hewitt nude, but we're here to provide you with the next best thing:

A glimpse at the boobs of these mediocre actresses.

Once you've voted in our previous Clash of the Cleavage - pitting Megan Fox against Tara Reid, in all her drunken, plastic glory - let us know which pair of knockers below you'd prefer to take a handful of.

Don't worry. There's no wrong answer. Just a sexy one.

by Mischalova at . Comments

In case you missed the latest Lindsay Lohan movie, I Know Who Killed Me (and, judging by its box office total, you most certainly did), you no longer need to rent it when it comes out on DVD.

That's because, below, we've included the only worthwhile scene from the film. In it, Lohan gets as naked as Gemma Atkinson any time a camera is around.

D-S-L

We're not sure who the actor is, but we're guessing Lindsay imagined it to be Harry Morton... or AJ Lamas... or Calum Best... or Criss Angel... or Jude Law...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1LDn88xwaY[/youtube]

by Mischalova at . Comments

In case that Katie Price vagina quote wasn't honest enough for you, here's an attempt by Lindsay Lohan to come clean about her lifestyle:

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case.

Linds Can't Deal

"No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.

Lindsay Lohan is addicted to drugs. In other shocking news, Britney Spears is really bad at singing and women find Zac Efron attractive.

"I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have been hoping for the same thing.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Lindsay Lohan gets off easily with guys.

And now she reportedly gets off easily with the law, as well.

Derek Lowe Mug Shot

People magazine says the drunk dodged felony charges in her two drunken-driving cases, with prosecutors filing misdemeanor counts after tests found she possessed insufficient amounts of cocaine.

Unlike Michael Vick, the actress won't be seeing the inside of a cell for very long because she was charged with seven misdemeanor counts, including two each of driving under the influence, driving with blood alcohol of over .08 percent, being under the influence of cocaine and reckless driving.

The charges stem from two separate DUI incidents, one in May in Beverly Hills and one in July in Santa Monica.

In both cases, Lohan was making like Tara Conner (i.e. carrying cocaine). But in each instance, the amounts tested were below the .05 grams required by office policy for felony filing.

A conference before a Beverly Hills judge is set for Thursday afternoon, in which Lohan may enter a plea a day before her arraignment which was originally set for Friday.

The 21-year-old is currently in rehab at the Cirque Lodge program in Utah. She sucks.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Britney Spears' prayers have been answered.

Well, not really. Giant bags of pork rinds don't just fall out of the sky, you know.

Shoplifter

But Donald Trump himself has offered to hire her and resurrect her career. Along with other train wrecks.

Armed with the searing insight that she's a "[bleeping] mess," Trump tells the New York Post's Page Six that he's negotiating with Britney about appearing on his new Celebrity Apprentice and that he's also "thinking about" having Paris Hilton on the show.

However, says Lord Combover, "I don't know if we're going to do it."

Yeah, there's no guarantee you're going to see this at any point. There's only so much Paris Hilton pussy you can plaster across prime time television, after all.

As for Brit and Paris' comrade-in-wreckitude, Lindsay Lohan, the Donald says he's going to contact her this week about the show. He did not say whether or not she will try to have sex with him, but the odds are never too low with LiLo.

Paris Hilton's rep says he wasn't aware if any deal was in the works, and Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan mouthpieces weren't available for comment.

by Mischalova at . Comments

With Lindsay Lohan nude photos rumored to be floating around the Internet - and adult film actress Paulina James prepared to portray the troubled star in an upcoming movie - the next logical career step for this Firecrotch Queen seems obvious:

Just suck it up and get into the porn business.

With a pair of DUI arrests on her record, it's not like Lindsay has any respectable future ahead of her anyway, right?

Wrong, says The Sports Gal. Here's what the wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons has to say about the next choice of movies for Lohan:

"Lindsay doesn't need porn. She needs to copy what [Angelina Jolie] did and play a role close to herself, that's how she can turn her career around. Nobody wants to see her in a romantic comedy because she's too messed up and nobody wants to see her in a horror movie because we'd just root for her to get killed.

When Angelina was struggling, she did Girl, Interrupted and played a mental patient with drug problems who cut herself and acted crazy.

It wasn't exactly a stretch.

Lindsay needs to do that, something close to home, like a promiscuous alcoholic with low self-esteem and a drug problem who likes to drive drunk, chain-smoke and pretend that her breasts aren't fake - then, her life is turned upside down when she gets sent to jail for her 14th DUI and she ends up feuding with a group of skinhead prisoners who resent her because of her beautiful red hair, which they end up shaving before she joins a rival Kabbalah group and finds the strength to kill the Skinheads to survive.

I would go see this movie, and [Bill Simmons] would probably go too because there would definitely be a shower scene."

by Mischalova at . Comments

Once you get past the fact that Lindsay Lohan's ex-bodyguard shares the same name as a deceased CTU agent that worked with Jack Bauer, the information he recently came out with is rather stunning.

But Tony Almeida sounds serious in an interview with In Touch.

Lindsay Lohan, Glasses

He worked for Lindsay Lohan from 2002 to 2005 and says the teen queen suffered from neglectful, abusive parents who saw her as a cash cow. This is a shocking revelation about Dina Lohan, isn't it?

According to celebrity gossip source TMZ, Almeida recounts a particularly nasty scene between Lindsay and dad Michael.

When the singer was 16, her jail bait father freaked out while driving, "slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway! I got in the middle of it and pulled him off."

This is not a Lindsay Lohan nude photo. But it's sort of close to it.

From there, the bodyguard talks about mother issues that give Lindsay and Britney Spears a lot in common.

Dina would reportedly often let her daughter booze it up while hanging out with boys unsupervised. When she was 15 her mother allowed her to spend the night in a hotel room with then-boyfriend Aaron Carter.

"They knew Lindsay was sleeping in Aaron's room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who could benefit her singing career."

Guess that means they weren't huge fans of Harry Morton or Calum Best, huh?

by Mischalova at . Comments

This is great stuff.

In an interview with Elle magazine a mere three days before she was pulled over for drunk driving, Lindsay Lohan lamented to idea of getting behind the wheel while intoxicated - and begged to be given credit for her impressive acting job in The Parent Trap...

Linds the Shop-a-Holic

On attending rehab at Wonderland before her 21st birthday:
"I was growing up and going out a lot, and I needed to have a balance. I was glad I went, because I needed to get away from everyone and I didn't know how to do that. And I learned a lot there. A bunch of my friends â€" I was with them last night â€" they're in AA for, like, years."

On former fling Calum Best:
"I like him. He's me in male form. We're very similar. Stubborn, rebellious, very smart, coy, a little bit narcissistic â€" I think all actors have a little bit of that, and so they should. We'll be kidding around, like the other day when we were in the Bahamas … I was walking by some mirror. And he caught me looking in the mirror and he goes, ‘I caught that!' I was like, ‘Damn, I look good!'

On the celebrity gossip firestorm surrounding her:
"I feel like the asshole, the idiot, because I feel like I'm distracting from the other things that are important, like global warming and that kind of stuff. I genuinely mean that. And I don't know what to do."

On avoiding fame:
"I hate it, like, when these people say, ‘Well, why do you go to the Ivy if you don't want …' Seriously, I like their food! I can't go to a restaurant? I know I'm going to get pictures taken. I'm fine with it. And I'm going to go have their food. People give you s-it for it: ‘Don't go on Robertson!' What, I can't drive down the street?"

On being photographed without underwear:
"It was once, and it was when I was in Venice. And I was rushing through the room, threw the Prada dress on. And that's what happened. And I didn't even see the picture. I don't look at that s-it â€" that's gross. If I wear a dress I have underwear on."

*The Hollywood Gossip note: At least she admits that a Lindsay Lohan nude photo is gross.

On sleep troubles:
"I have really bad insomnia. My whole life. I get nervous at night going to bed, and being awake alone really freaks me out."

On her career aspirations:
"I just want to be nominated for an award for all the work I've done. It's so funny â€" people forget that I played two characters in Parent Trap when I was twelve years old."

* The Hollywood Gossip note: Seriously. Is it too late to hand Lohan an Academy Award for this performance?!? Maybe Paulina James can at least get credit for her portrayal of Lindsay.

On the media:
"If I'm wearing a nude thong, they retouch it. I fâ€"k around on my computer â€" I know how easy it is. They make my face look swollen. I'm like, ‘Are you that bored?' I hear things about the night before that never even happened. Like, they said I was dating my best friend â€" the Samantha Ronson thing. She's my best friend!"

by Mischalova at . Comments

Rumors about Lindsay Lohan nude photos are floating around the Internet.

Until they surface, however, we may need to settle for the following: The adult film geniuses that brought fans Britney Rears and J-Ho are coming out with a new movie in October. Its title? Lindsay HoHand.

Nice n' Plump

Officially called Lindsay HoHand: Get Out of My F**king Way, TMZ reports that this flick features a "pop princess" who "can't seem to stop getting in trouble" and who all of Hollywood regards as "a fun date."

The fictional Lohan will be played by porn star Paulina James, pictured below. Supposedly, she'll also enjoy a certain penchant for delivering hands-on assistance to the numerous cops that detain her. Calum Best and Harry Morton know what we're talking about!

In a new movie, Paulina James will base her role on Lindsay Lohan naked.

A source at SexZ Pictures admits that "a lot could happen" between now and the time Lohan faces her legal music; and that if she does indeed end up in the slammer, a long and lucrative series of HoHand films could be born.

They may earn more money than any movie not starring Jennifer Toof.