Lindsay Lohan

Seven.

No, that's not how many guys Lindsay Lohan slept with last night. It's the number of days since our favorite, promiscuous alcoholic has had a drink.

"I've been going to AA, for a year by the way," the actress said. But why didn't she say so until recently? "Well it's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous!"

Right. Until it's the right career move to announce it publicly. Hopefully, at least, Dina Lohan is listening.

"I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal to, so why would I?" Lohan, 20, continued telling People magazine.

"I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I have Red Bull."

We'll ignore the astounding lack of sense in that quote - why would you drink when you're underage? For the same reason someone would drink who's not underage! - and instead focus on the fact that Lohan, therefore, was supposedly sober during this attempted crotch shot.

But would Lindsay encourage her younger sister, Ali Lohan, to stay away from the sauce? Did she suffer during her drinking binges?

"I didn't feel bad before... I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was out too much... I mean, I'm 20 years old. I was off from work, I was getting ready to start a film, and I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that."

Like plotting revenge on Lindsay Ratowski.

Wait, though, did Lohan say she was off from work? Scratch that.

"I was like, I don't want to be written about at these clubs with these people. I work, I act, I have a living. That's what I do every day. I work every single day."

Except for when she's clubbing in between films. Or exhausted. But, every now and then, the Firecrotch queen does get down to business.

It's the sort of work Jenna Jameson can relate to.

The mystery of "LR" turned out to be a lot less confusing than the mystery of what Paul McCartney ever saw in Heather Mills in the first place.

Yesterday, we reported on the bizarre email Lindsay Lohan sent out, as she asked for the help of Al Gore and the Clintons. Naturally.

She also singled out a certain "LR" for tattling on her to the tabloids. It's now been revealed that the evil-doer in question was former assistant, Lindsay Ratowsky.

Ratowsky had the good sense nerve to ditch Lohan a few weeks ago and go to work for Jessica Biel. When she showed up to an event last week with Biel, Lohan went crazy. Or at least crazier than usual.

Meanwhile, in an unexpected turn of events, the camps of Gore, Bill and Hilary all deny ever offering Lindsay any help. Perhaps Ms. Firecrotch should turn to Scientology instead.

Calling TomKat!

Bette Midler is a bit before our time. But comments from the actress/singer make her right up our alley.

The outspoken, truth-telling diva has blasted Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan for their wild ways, calling them "sluts."

The singer/actress admits she enjoyed wild times when she was younger, but she would never have left home without underwear and was appalled to see pictures, such as these Britney crotch shots, of the girls baring all in recent photographs.

"I've been on the other side to these wild and woolly sluts that we are seeing around our lives these days and I've taken the other side," said Mider. "I started my life out as pretty wild, but I have decided, after much growing and living, that its time that we got nicer!"

And more useful, Ashlee Simpson.

Bette ended with a message to these dirty gals: "Get a life, get a grip. I mean someone should sit those ladies down."

Apparently, Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Hilary Clinton are more than willing to.

Lindsay Lohan wants help.

For what? That's unclear. From who? That may surprise you.

In a rambling email she sent to friends and lawyers, the freckled Firecrotch queen said: "Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton ... would be willing [to help], if we just ask. If we just ASK."

Got that, people? You just need to ASK the former president and his wife if you need assistance with any of the following:

• Drinking
• Crotch shots
  
• Driving

What's more, Lohan claimed another Clinton-era crony wants to lend a hand:

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me."

She also mentions one "LR" whom she intends to take to court for "what she's done to me." We can't imagine who Lindsay is referring to - or what the heck she is talking about at any point here.

But we somehow doubt this mystery individual is Leah Remini or LeAnn Rimes. Don't worry, though, we're on the case!

Step back, Britney Spears, crotch shots are not just your speciality anymore.

The one with fire in her private area is dead set on proving that she can flash onlookers, as well. Granted, Lindsay Lohan has a long way to go, but can you blame a tramp for trying?

Meanwhile, look at the girl in the black dress behind Lindsay. She looks about as excited and interested in the attention-seeking streewalker in front of her as we are for a Tori Spelling memoir.

We can only imagine what the reaction of Al Gore would've been.

Having dried up every male resource out there, Lindsay Lohan recenly turned to women.

Females have been running around in a panic ever since.

Now, however, it appears as though the sister of Ali Lohan has moved on again.

She's opening up her heart (and legs and, in this photo, mouth) to inanimate objects, those less likely to crush her dreams like a sane Harry Morton did a couple months ago.

We feel sorry for the mic shown here.

To paraphrase Kelly Ripa talking to Clay Aiken, we don't know where Lohan's mouth has been.

Actually, that's not really true.

It's more like we don't know where it has not been.

Lindsay Lohan needs a drink after the GQ Men of the Year party. Oops, should we not say that anymore?

A source at the shindig in LA said that the 20-year-old actress "flipped out" when she saw her former assistant at the party with her new boss, Jessica Biel.

"If she stays, I'm outta here! I can't look at that girl! I can't believe you would allow an assistant in here - she doesn't belong in here!" Lindsay reportedly screamed.

Biel's new boyfriend, Derek Jeter, may or may not have bashed Lohan's head in with a baseball bat, but her rants were pretty much ignored by everyone at the party.

Almost everyone else.

Apparently, Will Ferrell, was overheard telling Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio and former Vice President Al Gore, "Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?"

Yes, Al Gore. There's no word on how Barack Obama feels about Lohan, however.

Meanwhile, Firecrotch's rep insists this incident "does not sound like Lindsay." Right. And being Asian doesn't sound like Suri Cruise.

Could - gulp - Lindsay Lohan be cleaning up her act?

After a week of late night partying with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, Lohan may finally be seeing the sober light. And it's making The Hollywood Gossip staff very sad, if so.

According to Page Six, Ms. Firecrotch herself was spotted at a 7:30 a.m. AA meeting on Wednesday morning near her apartment in the Sierra Towers. Granted, she was probably wasted and just made a wrong turn on her way home.

But a Lindsay pal confirmed to the New York PostL "She has attended several meetings and has hopefully decided to turn her life around - this time for good. She is out of control."

We disagree. Lindsay was a perfect role model of how not to behave for her sister, Ali Lohan.

The 20-year-old actress is filming The Best Time of Our Lives with Keira Knightley for the next five weeks. She may not be having the most enjoyable time of hers, however, as Lohan was seen toting the A.A. tome, "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" while clubbing in London on November 20.

Yes, while clubbing. This is akin to Anna Nicole Smith carrying around a guidebook for the Bahamas while packing.

Wow. If the side panels of this automobile could talk... they'd probably know all about getting faded and hooking up with random dudes. 'Cuz when it's girls' night out, there's no telling what kind of $h!t is gonna go down. We be clubbin', yo!

Yes, the fun never stops for new BFFs Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, who picked up none other than Lindsay Lohan in Beverly Hills during their girly-girl marathon in the early hours of Monday morning. The trio stopped off at Hilton's pad before heading to Spears' place.

All we can say about this picture is that celebrity worlds are colliding, and that this marks a watershed moment in the evolution of the phrase "ho train." These chicks look like they are ready to start slinging poon like strung-out, two-dollar skanks jonesing for a fiver of rock.

At this rate, Lindsay Lohan may be responsible for more cars being serviced than men being serviced.

Okay, that's downright impossible.

But the captain of Team Firecrotch was involved in yet ANOTHER car accident this week. Those keeping track haven't forgotten the fender bender from two weeks ago. And now they have another one to account for.

Reportedly, Lohan disrupted the streets of London last night, as she hit the town with unknown British celeb, Calum Best. (Fortunately, little sister Ali Lohan was not in danger.)

The actress' evening was filled with more drama than she had bargained for when her car collided with a police van. Yes, a police van.

But just like Pete Doherty doesn't let countless drug possession arrests ruin his day, Lindsay wasn't gonna let a tiny little crash ruin her evening. She changed vehicles, picked up Best and sped over Zigfrid bar in Shoreditch.

Evening saved. Thank goodness. After all, Lohan has important business hours to maintain.