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Before we begin this week's recap of The Hills, let us just reiterate a few points:

  • Don't you just love Whitney?
  • Don't you want to beat the ever-loving snot out of that disgusting ass clown Spencer, possibly with a baseball bat, then kick him in the ribs repeatedly as he writhes in pain on the ground?

Okay. Sorry. We had to get that off our collective chest.

Furry Friend

As Whitney Port, who plays a larger-than-usual role in this episode, gets ready to graduate from college, she ponders her future in the fashion biz. Whitney asks her boss, Lisa Love, if there are any opportunities at Teen Vogue, and whether she'd be considered.

Lisa tells her there is a position (the nebulous "Fashion Contributor") that is going to be opening up at Teen Vogue, but some other interns have similar qualifications as Whit and will be interviewing for it too.

Meanwhile, Lauren Conrad and Whitney work with that, like, kinda bitchy New York all-star intern, Emily, on a Good Morning America Oscar piece. A Vogue big shot is at the studio with the girls, and picks Whitney out of the crowd to, like, model one of the dresses!

Emily stews as the head honcho vows to put old girl Whitney Port on TV in one of Hilary Swank's Oscar dresses. OMFG!

But the meaning of the episode title, "Everybody Falls," hits home on the day of the shoot when Whitney tumbles down the steps on live TV. It was mortifying. That snarky little b!tch Emily even smirked at Whit's mishap.

After the taping, Lauren (in a cute role reversal) does her best to comfort her friend, who is understandably devastated by the mistake.

All is well the next day, however, as Lisa gives Whitney great praise for handling the incident with class and grace under fire. Lisa wishes to send her - with a high recommendation - to NYC to interview for the Teen Vogue position opening up.

Audrina Patridge is nowhere to be found, and even LC is hardly featured in this episode. Mainly it's Whitney and Heidi and Spencer - who bicker, once again, over moving in together.

Heidi says there is a trust factor between them, to which Spencer pretends to be shocked. Spencer and Heidi argue about her intentions and puts the pressure on. To make a long story short, this stuck up prick gives her an ultimatum to move in with him or let him slut around with the rest of L.A.

When a distraught Heidi gives that slimy Spencer Pratt her final "no" on moving in, and he throws her out of his car. The conversation went like this:

Spencer Pratt: "You need to tell me your final answer."
Heidi Montag: "Well, like, my answer is no."
Spencer Pratt: "Fine, then my answer is get the hell out of my car."

But don't start crying for Heidi Montag (or celebrating the departure of Spencer) just yet. The previews for next week's season finale show Heidi pulling away in, like, a moving truck and looking back at a tearful LC.

Way to stick to your guns, babe. And on a side note, does anyone else think it's weird that The Hills gives away everything in its previews? Some shows tease you a little, but you basically know what's going on from the second you catch scenes from the next episode. Weird!

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Lauren Conrad is warm and forgiving. She has no problem staying friends with her exes ... or most of them, that is.

"I'm friends with almost everyone I've dated," The Hills star told People magazine at a party for the Lisa Kline Beverly Hills boutique. "I mean, you liked them in the beginning, [so] as long as they didn't do anything ..."

LC and Holly

Like, we don't know, get sentenced to two months in jail for the battery of two men like her ex, Laguna Beach bad boy Jason Wahler?

"Well Jason's a different story," Conrad said. "I tried. I do talk to him every once in awhile, just to check in on him. I think he's doing a little better. He's got a lot of demons to work out, but he's a good person. He'll figure it out eventually."

Oddly enough, LC says there are no hard feelings directed toward Brody Jenner - who she dated briefly last year and who hooked up with Conrad's pal Jen behind her back on a recent episode of The Hills.

"No, we're friends," she said. "We all just went to Cabo!"

Wait, there were no hard feelings over a recent article in Details in which Jenner and his pal Spencer Pratt made some unflattering remarks?

"Honestly, I was nauseous reading it," Conrad said. "I do feel a little bad because if you read almost every quote, it's Spencer. He's a better person without Spencer."

The currently single Conrad, who says she's "dating a lot," might be friendly with her exes, but does she still have a good relationship with her Hills roommate Heidi Montag? LC says yes.

Even though Montag is often shown ditching Conrad for her boyfriend, Pratt, and actually pushed Jenner to make out with Jen? "I mean, these are all things I didn't know," Conrad said. "You have to understand when you watch things, this is our first time seeing it, but it happened months and months ago."

Plus, after her fallout with Kristin Cavallari, LC knows she has to keep as friends friends close by as she can,

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On Laguna Beach, they were the leaders of two different cliques, and their rivalry was often a focal point of the hit MTV reality series.

Since graduating from high school, they've moved on to bigger and better things. But the question still remains: Who's your favorite Laguna babe, the in-your-face, gorgeous alpha vixen (Kristin Cavallari, top) or the pretty, laid-back, All-American girl (Lauren Conrad)?

Finale Fabulous

It's a tough call. KC or LC, The Hills leading lady? We'll have to look at these pics a while before we make our decision. Hey, we all can't be like Brody Jenner and date both.

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Not from the simple, yet sage words of Lauren Conrad:

  • "I think if a guy after a few months asked if I wanted to move in with him, I'd be like, Whoa." - to Heidi
  • "A good roommate is like a good pair of jeans â€" you hold on to them no matter what." - to Heidi
  • "If you do a really shady thing, be like, 'I was shady.'" - to Jen
  • "You were evil and conniving. It wasn't all Brody; it was you." - to Jen

All these quotes and more stemmed from the drama on last night's episode of The Hills, which featured Lauren's coming of age - and not just because she celebrated her 21st birthday party at Hyde.

Gnarly Heidi Montag

Finally, America's sweetheart is learning to stand up for herself, ladies and gentlemen.

The episode begins with Lauren and Heidi at the homestead. After a brief moment of tension during their discussion of Heidi possibly moving in with that douchebag Spencer Pratt, the estranged BFFs seemed cool again (thus the jeans comment).

And she's right. Who isn't happy to have Heidi Montag back on Team LC! Even better that Heidi was clearly getting along with Audrina Patridge as well, conspiring to plan Lauren's surprise party.

What wasn't all good was Heidi's relationship with Jen, who had the nerve to show up at Heidi's workplace to talk about her fight with Lauren!

Jen, apparently, is, like, best friends with Lauren. So she says. Which is why you hooked up with Brody Jenner behind LC's back, right? Bitch! Still, Jen laments: "I haven't talked to my best friend of 15 years for, like, what? For, like, sloppy thirds?"

Before telling her she had to get back to work, Heidi took the high road and said that she wasn't getting involved and this spat is between Jen and Lauren.

Later, Heidi throws Lauren off the party trail by faking like she was canceling on Lauren for Spencer for the 245th time. Wow, talk about a realistic lie! Lauren Conrad looked like she was about to cry, which was sad, but she was cool with it when everyone surprised her at Hyde.

It was weird, though, with Brody Jenner being back on the scene. And, OMG, going straight to asking about Jen. The guy may be hunky but he has some kind of nerve. It was nice, we think, that he apologized, even though Lauren insisted it wasn't his fault, when it, like, kind of was.

SIDE NOTE: Can you believe when Whitney Port told Lauren at work that she dated Brody once? Has this guy dated every cute girl in Southern California - and how does this not come up at Teen Vogue HQ until right now?

SIDE NOTE #2: What's funnier - the fact that Lauren Conrad is now 21, but has been going to these hot clubs for some time now, or the fact The Hills gals have become big enough stars that we knew about LC's 21st birthday party when it happened six weeks ago?

Anyway, back to reality. When Jen showed up at Lauren's place to apologize (and we use that term loosely), Lauren wasn't having any of it.

"You put yourself in this situation, she said before showing Jen the door.

If only she'd treat the guys in her life with the same determination. At least the legal system isn't as forgiving to Jason Wahler, right?

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Note to Spencer Pratt: If we ever see you at Hyde, we might just have to beat the living crap out of you. Which shouldn't be that hard. So consider yourself warned.

This is not because The Hollywood Gossip is out to get people or enjoys violent conflict. It's simply because Spencer Pratt fills us with blinding, unrelenting rage. Basically, watching him on The Hills makes us want to channel our inner Jason Wahler and go postal.

Laker Love

It was probably during last night's clothing-store scene â€" when Spencer was asking Heidi Montag to move in with him while constantly pawing at her â€" that we realized how bad this guy needs a boot to the f*%king skull.

Of course, as Entertainment Weekly wryly notes, the way he so selflessly dedicates himself to being creepily manipulative for our viewing pleasure is nothing short of miraculous.

Taking a break from Spencer for a second, the gang starts off the episode gearing up for the best New Year's Eve ever. We're also informed that the lovely Whitney Port, LC's fellow intern, is also a decent softball player.

Seriously, she can really drive the ball!

In addition to planning a hot NYE at the nightclub Area, everyone was also acting determined to make amends after the great Heidi-Lauren rift.

"I feel like, 2006 was a hard year on our friendship, and I want to spend New Year's with her," Heidi tells Spencer.

On the big night, he kept repeating how much he despised her friends and the fact that she "chooses them" over him. As if a girl can't have both a boyfriend as well as female friends. That'd just be too f*%ked up.

So it goes in the mind of Spencer Pratt, however. Why is Brody Jenner even friends with this tool again? At dinner, before they met up with the group at Area, Spencer told Heidi:

"I don't even want to go to the club. I just want to take you home right now. But you have another boyfriend named Lauren Conrad."

Blinding, unfocused and unrelenting rage
.

Things were much cheerier on Lauren's side, thankfully, where her big plan for self-improvement in 2007 was to take kickboxing with Audrina Patridge.

Hey, every girl's gotta have a New Year's resolution. Lauren's pal from Laguna Beach, Lo, also paid a nice visit. Moreover, Lauren met a pal of a pal of Audrina's (vacationing from Colorado) who she could smooch on New Year's, too!

We've loving Lauren's newfound interest in regular guys, by the way. Maybe it's just that Heidi dates Spencer. But it shows LC's not as superficial as may of her peers.

Heidi, meanwhile, seemed intent on her underlying goal to destroy her friendship with Lauren (or what's left of it) by blabbing to Lo about Spencer suggesting they move in together - without mentioning it to her roomie. WTF!

Then, taking a page str8 outta Spencer's playbook, she got all pensive and pouty at midnight when no one, like, was paying attention to her. Absolutely classic Heidi.

Days later, Spencer was still at it.

"I've been thinking a lot," he told Heidi. "I think it's really rude that you've chosen Lauren over me."

And our blood pressure keeps on rising.

NEXT WEEK: The return of Brody Jenner (amazing how he keeps turning up) as well as that girl Jen. Plus, Lauren Conrad's big 21st birthday!

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Her signature style - a California chic look featuring flirty dresses and trendy tops, often complemented with a headband - has inspired many young viewers.

Now, legions of women can emulate Lauren Conrad fashion in the real world - and online.

Lauren Conrad Beauty

MTV and the girl we have come to know and love as LC have announced the first-ever celebrity-inspired digital fashion line to be introduced in the "Virtual Hills" virtual world.

In addition, The Hills star will develop a real-world fashion line that will be available in high-end boutiques, retail stores and online later this fall.

The introduction of Lauren Conrad's physical and virtual world fashion lines takes the concept of personal expression to new heights.

These days, many viewers take their online persona as seriously as their real-world presence.

The virtual clothing line, called Virtual Hills, debuted Monday on LC's hit show.

As Lauren, who interns at Teen Vogue, continues to design her fashion line, she's looking for feedback from virtual world patrons to help tailor the styles that make their way to boutiques later this year.

"Our audience has always felt a connection to Lauren since she first appeared on Laguna Beach and we've created innovative platforms online - first with MTV and now with Virtual Hills - for fans to connect with her," said Christina Norman, President of MTV.

Needless to say, America's sweetheart is ecstatic about the project.

"I was so excited to hear MTV was launching Virtual Hills and felt this was a great opportunity for me to bring fashion to technology," said Conrad, who is a fashion major at the Fashion Institute of Design in Los Angeles in addition to interning at Teen Vogue.

"We've been working really hard to create sensible, yet trendy fashions that young girls can wear in their real life or virtual life and that project a true sense of self. I'm excited to build relationships with my fans in Virtual Hills and then apply feedback to my real-world designs."

Lauren had no comment on her ex, Jason Wahler, being sentenced to jail time, or how BFF Heidi Montag - a fashion queen in her own right - feels about the new virtual clothing line.

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As another enthralling episode of The Hills began last night, Whitney and Lauren were scheduled to work on a major photo shoot at Teen Vogue.

But Whitney Port, bless her heart, is "just soooo over it."

Heidi's Dance Moves

She's tired of being someone's intern - some of us here at the Hollywood Gossip feel the same way - and wants more out of this roller coaster ride they call life. Some of us (cough, Brody Jenner) are content with boring lives. Not Whitney!

But it's not abject misery at Teen Vogue yet. Whitney's sister, Jade, gets a totally awesome opportunity to be a part of a "real kids" photo spread for Teen Vogue, while Whitney works the shoot. Which is cool, except for the bitch photo editor, who is, like, a stickler for detail.

Needless to say, our girls do some serious eye-rolling.

Lauren's estranged BFF, Heidi Montag goes to Santa Barbara with her loser man, Spencer, for the weekend, leaving LC to sit and stew at the West Hollywood Villas.

The two make a plan to have a Heidi and Lauren alone night on Monday, after Heidi gets back from the weekend. Then things get real interesting when Audrina Patridge asks LC if she can set her up with her guy's roommate - and Lauren actually agrees!

When Audrina goes a step further and asks Lauren Conrad about Brody, Lauren makes a face like she's totally done with him. Yessssss. The man is hunky, no doubt - but after that crap he pulled last week, Lauren should have kicked Brody to the curb and we're glad she did.

The night of the exciting double date comes and Lauren's guy is, like a hockey player and he's soooo cute. In a very weird way, he reminds us of Jason Wahler. Only nicer. And not getting arrested every time we turn around.

Anyway. The girls have such a nice time and Lauren seems really happy for the first time in like, forever.

Up in Santa Barbara, Spencer Pratt and Heidi stroll along the beach and make all million viewers of the show simultaneously nauseous. They decide to stay another day, but Heidi calls LC and makes plans to meet at the apartment for dinner.

Audrina calls Lauren and asks if she wants to meet the guys for sushi, but Lauren turns her down for Heidi. Which is totally nice. But then Lauren gets home... and finds a note from Heidi saying she went to the movies with Spencer.

Oh. Snap. That girl has some kind of f*%king nerve.

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He's rich, dates hot chicks and spends most of his time on the L.A. club scene. And for no known reason other than his name and good looks.

It's the American Dream personified. Ladies, you could date this man next. But for now, here's Details Magazine's inside look at some notable female companions of the great Brody Jenner.

Rock Bottom?

Slideshow and text credits: Details (follow link to the magazine's original story).

KRISTIN CAVALLARI

Her Claim to Fame: Best known as "the bitchy one" on MTV's Laguna Beach, Cavallari, 20, was also linked to then-USC star Matt Leinart in 2004 and Nick Lachey in 2006.
How They Hooked Up: Jenner and Cavallari coupled up after crossing paths at a party for Stuff magazine.
Staying Power: Kristin and Brody were together from September 2005 until August 2006 - an eternity for the Prince of Malibu. Presumably, in their time together, Jenner saw a lot of this.
The Drama: Post-breakup, Kristin Cavallari stepped out in a T-shirt reading YOU CAN HAVE HIM, presumably aimed at Nicole Richie (see below). Jenner, in his typical laid-back style, responded in People: "I'm guessing she's talking about her dog, which she left at my house months ago."

LINDSAY LOHAN

Her Claim to Fame: Hard partying and a list of trysts nearly as long as her filmography. Past boy toys include Wilmer Valderrama, Colin Farrell, Joaquin Phoenix, Jude Law, Jared Leto, and Brett Ratner.
How They Hooked Up: The two were introduced by Lohan's hairstylist (whom Jenner knew from L.A.) while out at New York's Bungalow 8.
Staying Power: One magical night. Recently, Brody and Lohan left a New York club together. He was spotted exiting Lohan's hotel the next morning.
The Drama: Jenner and Lindsay Lohan both denied sleeping together, but that doesn't mean Jenner didn't relish the speculation, telling People, "I had a great time in New York. Lindsay's a sweet girl."

NICOLE RICHIE

Her Claim to Fame: Nicole, who is Lionel Richie's adopted daughter, is also Paris Hilton's on-again-off-again BFF.
How They Hooked Up
: Jenner and Nicole Richie met as kids â€" Lionel Richie and Brody's mom, actress-songwriter Linda Thompson, go way back. They only started "dating" after Richie called off her engagement to DJ AM, and depending on what you read, Brody and his friend hatched a plan where he would increase his own celebrity by making her eat.
Staying Power: Bichie lasted three months, starting in August 2006.
The Drama: Their relationship ended amid questions. Richie wrote on her MySpace page: "I know there are rumors regarding my ‘breakup' with Brody Jenner. The truth is, we were never really together. We hung out, and he's a nice guy, but my heart was never in it. Anything further is just a cry for publicity."

LAUREN CONRAD

Her Claim to Fame: Conrad (known to many as LC) was, like, Cavallari's nemesis on Laguna Beach and currently stars on its hit spin-off, The Hills, in which she interns at Teen Vogue.
How They Hooked Up: Check out season 2 of The Hills and watch the drama unfold... live! Well, sort of. Jenner and Conrad were set up by their respective best friends â€" Jenner's quote-unquote publicist, Spencer Pratt, and Conrad's bubbly Hills co-star, Heidi Montag â€" who are now dating (and making everyone around them sick, but that's a subject for another time.
Staying Power: Three weeks, maybe four. Possibly back on.
The Drama: Talk about killing them with kindness. According to Life & Style, during her liaison with Jenner, Lauren Conrad provoked Richie at another L.A. hot spot by being overly friendly. Richie reportedly cried, "LC just keeps saying hi to me over and over again. I can't stand it!"

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It wouldn't be a party involving the cast of The Hills if it didn't include at least a little drama. Sunday night's Oscars after-party had plenty.

The lavish event - sponsored by Us Weekly, featuring Usonian Entertainment and the cast of MTV's The Hills - was held (fittingly) in the Hollywood Hills at the swanky home of Los Angeles real estate mogul Ronald Haft.

Cute in Plaid

The most overheard question of the night: "Where's Lauren?"

As in Lauren Conrad.

As in Brody Jenner's former girlfriend (or current girlfriend, depending on what day you read this).

As in, Heidi Montag's BFF.

"I wish she was here," Montag said.

Aww. Good to see there's no bad blood between Lauren and Heidi, who have been cat-fighting of late.

But where was Lauren? The party buzz was that LC is none-too-pleased with comments allegedly made by Hills star Spencer Pratt in a recent Details magazine article - in which he encourages pal Brody Jenner to make Nicole Richie eat as a publicity stunt and date every celebrity possible in order to increase his own fame.

Understandably, Lauren would rather stay home watching rival Kristin Cavallari on Laguna Beach re-runs than attend a party and have to lay eyes on Pratt.

For what it's worth, when asked about Lauren on the red carpet, Jenner, who spent the night surrounded, of course, by the obligatory gaggle of hot blonde chicks, gentlemanly said, "I love Lauren. It's all good."

Of course, the party, which dragged on until nearly 3:00 in the morning, wasn't all backstabs and catfights. Everyone from Jenna Jameson to that due from Borat (Ken Davitan) was in attendance for some good clean fun.

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The Hollywood Gossip is torn.

As LC would say, "We're, like, so torn."

The Plastic Pairing

Or, as Heidi Montag might put it, "torn, torn, torn!"

Apparently that's H-Mont's new thing on The Hills now: to repeat every point she has two to three times. But anyway. While Brody Jenner has been turning on the charm around Lauren, and they've maybe, kinda like hooked up, he's not her boyfriend, okay?! How many times can she say it?

That said, we're not sure she should be allowed to spend a whole episode getting territorial about him when Jen came to town for her birthday and moved in on him. On the other hand, if we spend just 10 minutes crushing someone here at T.H. Gossip and another staff member knows it, we expect them to back the g*d damn hell off.

Which I guess means we are coming down on Lauren's side, like, at least a little.

But let us go on the record stating that either way, Lauren is sooooo better off without Brody Jenner! We all know he's just out to date every celebrity he can so he can get famous.

The feud between Lauren and Heidi all began when Heidi, still hurting from a prior rift with LC over the latter's (justified) Spencer-hating, began joining Spencer's evil scheme to get Jen and Brody to totally hook up!

Wow. This demonstrates the lengths Spencer Pratt is willing to go to piss Lauren Conrad off. But really, as with so many of these things, it's much better in Heidi's words, uttered during a key ladies' room conference with Jen: "Loves you, loves you, loves you," she said of the incomparable Brody J.

Lauren, bless her heart, seemed to take a low-key approach in her passive-aggressive attack on Heidi. All she came up with was being BFF-ish with Audrina Patridge - so much so that we seriously thought there'd be some hot girl-on-girl action. For a second.

Just kidding. Not really.

But Heidi Montag, being Heidi Montag, after all, didn't even notice, since she was so busy pushing Jen on top of Brody. Eventually, the crew â€" Heidi, Jen, Brody, and Spencer â€" decided to retire to Brody's condo for the final sealing of the deal, if you will. And Jen will.

We loved the extra touch - just twist that knife in real deep, girl - of Jen phoning LC from the scene of the crime to ask Lauren's permission to go in for the kill. We are, like, officially siding with our girl LC in this feud now, FYI.

"Is it really worth screwing a friend over for Brody?" the adorable Whitney Port asked the next day upon hearing the story.

She meant it rhetorically, we're assuming, but the Gossip will go ahead and answer just the same: "No."

Later, while Lauren steamed clothes at Teen Vogue with Whitney (finally, a truly intern-worthy duty), she got a call from Jen - and the exchanged the followed proves that the newly empowered, assertive Lauren was here to stay.

"Seriously, Jen, don't be at my apartment when I get home," Lauren barked before hanging up.

Oh snap! If only she had given that treatment to Jason Wahler last season (she got it right in the end, though). Later, at home, she gave it good to Heidi, too.

"I don't feel like you're the friend you used to be," she said. "Spencer has you frickin' brainwashed; it's so sad to see. He's a sucky person."

This is why you're our hero, Lauren Conrad. Rock on, girl.