by Free Britney at . Comments

Somebody please explain this one to us, if you don't mind.

At what point did Justin-Bobby become more than a transient figure, but a guy The Hills is based around, with Kristin Cavallari and Audrina Patridge smitten?

What is the appeal of this guy? What woman doesn't love a mysterious, shady individual morally opposed to haircuts, bathing, working or speaking coherently?

It is useless to resist.

Audrina Patridge proved again that she cannot quit him, casting Ryan Cabrera aside. Meanwhile, Kristin brought the ruckus to that psycho b!tch Allie Lutz.

Here's THG's recap of Tuesday's The Hills, "Make Up to Break Up" ...

FEEL THE MAGIC: A scene straight out of a Lifetime film.

Audrina has weighed the pros and cons with Ryan, and it's not gonna work. We're imagining her writing an actual list. Pros: Nice, rich. Cons: Hair? Minus 4.

Kristin and Lo are bummed about Audrina's feelings toward Ryan. Plus 5, because they know he deserves better and that Justin-Bobby is a waste of space.

From the moment Brody Jenner arrives at the club, Kristin and he flirt relentlessly. Hot. Plus 3, because you might as well cue the adult film soundtrack now.

Sleazy T sighting! Plus 2.

Brody says McKaela Line is crazy for bringing Allie Lutz around. Minus 8, because McKaela Line and her connection to the crew are clearly fabricated by MTV.

Allie spots Kristin across the club and tries to make amends, but Kristin calls her and their awesomely snarky confrontation almost gets physical. Plus 12.

Bitch Please

BITCH PLEASE: Kristin Cavallari will bring it, Allie Lutz. Step. Away.

Kristin shows up at Smashbox to meet Lo for lunch and is fake surprised to see McKaela there. Wow, can you BELIEVE the coincidental run-ins on this show? Plus 7.

Ryan Cabrera asks Audrina why she left his show early and she says it's just too hard for her to hear him sing, 'cause the feelings just aren't there. Weak. Minus 8.

No Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Again. Minus 10.

Kristin invites Justin to Audrina's b-day party for reasons unknown. Minus 5. Weren't these two supposedly together at the end of last season? That fizzled fast.

Audrina and Stephanie talk about the difficulties of relationships and the importance of honesty ... except when faking every single scene for a reality show. Plus 3.

Justin-Bobby tells Audrina he's happy where the two of them are now. Sitting at THG World Headquarters writing this, we wish we could say the same. Minus 5.

TOTAL: -8. SEASON: -14.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Tuesday, The Hills returned to its roots: Staged cat fights at clubs!

Only the people involved were pretty random, as was the reason for said cat fight. What we're seeing is basically a watered-down version of past Hills seasons.

Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler

McKaela Line was dissed by Brody Jenner and found out her new BFF, Allie Lutz, is viewed as an insane person by pretty much every other star of the show.

Yes, these were some of the primary peeps featured last night.

No LC. No Speidi. Sorry, McKaela Line, cute as you are, you don't do it for us, especially if you fall for these people's games. Are you that naive? This is Season Six!

Still, here's THG's rundown of The Hills, plus-minus style:

The Hills returns to its staged cat fight roots.

At Smashbox, where she shockingly got a job, McKaela is asked by Lo how things are going with Brody, but she says he hasn't called. Stunning, really. Minus 4.

At Stephanie's birthday party, Brody and Kristin Cavallari get cozy on the couch and ... whoa! McKaela walks in. Plus 5 for everyone making it look fairly natural.

All hell breaks loose when Kristin confronts her rival, Allie Lutz, and declares she will never like her after she broke into Brody's house. We care why? Minus 3.

Brody ignores McKaela's call with Kristin. Basically, this is 100 percent fake, and/or he's such an ass he's willing to be filmed playing girls. Either way, Plus 7.

Audrina says Brody and Kristin are practically soul mates. LOL. Minus 6 for that line no one would ever say and KC's assessment of their "undeniable chemistry."

Speaking of Audrina Patridge, she tells Steph she likes when Ryan Cabrera is away so she can have "quality girl time," code for "I'm sick of this loser." Plus 4.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Kristin on Allie: She's "the dumbest girl on the planet," she's "pure evil," and looks like "a 45-year-old stripper who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day." Plus 11.

Ryan tells Audrina he loves her despite her questioning their relationship ... then Audrina meets Justin Bobby at his shop while Ryan's on tour. Burned. Plus 10.

Allie tells McKaela that Kristin made up lies about her breaking into Brody's house. We wouldn't doubt it, but we're also straight up confused/bored, so Wash.

But Minus 33 for Justin-Bobby being on the show at all, because really? We haven't seen enough of this loser in three years? Minus 5 more for the hair, too.

J-B questions Audrina on her relationship with Ryan and offers a little advice. The extent to which Audrina self-sabotages her love life is staggering. Minus 7.

Kristin tells McKaela to watch out for Allie, and that Brody lies. Plus 13, because we all know Brody will get with them both whenever he decides anyway.

TOTAL: -8. SEASON: +8. Watching Brody Jenner play chicks is fun, but even that gets old. Bring back Speidi, get rid of Justin, and get Kristin a spine.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Old habits die hard. Especially when the producers of The Hills keep recycling them and you have zero self respect. Justin-Bobby and Audrina Patridge, everyone!

Yup, last night's Hills marked the return of He Who Must Not Be Named and Does Not Shower. It also marked another week of the same Kristin and Brody drama.

To say the show is growing stale and running out of compelling characters is an understatement. Still, here's THG's rundown of The Hills, plus-minus style:

Kristin and Stacie decide to go out and meet boys to get Kristin's mind off of Brody. Not surprisingly, they find themselves disappointed by the selection. Minus 1.

Brody tells McKaela there's nothing going on with Kristin Cavallari and she needs to deal. Plus 3 for poor, sweet, naive, out-of-town McKaela actually buying it.

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari: "Nothing going on."

McKaela meets up with L to talk about the "Kristin situation" and working at Smashbox Cosmetics. Yup, we've reached the point of Lo-McKaela story lines. Minus 16.

Brody Jenner in a nutshell: He likes Kristin; He likes being a player; He brings in new girls to prove they're just friends, then pursues her again. Repeat. Game. Plus 20.

Minus 8, though, because he and Avril Lavigne are together in real life, making it impossible to take any of what we're watching seriously (it was hard enough).

Poor, faithful Ryan Cabrera is, like, so devoted to Audrina, even though there's zero evidence of chemistry between them, and we know they break up. Minus 7.

Audrina Patridge is TOTALLY CAUGHT OFF GUARD by Justin-Bobby! Minus 20 because it's Justin-Bobby, but Plus 29 for such blatantly obvious contrived nonsense.

The producers told me I'd run into ... er, fancy seeing you here!

Ostensibly, the reunion happened when Audzo checked out the band Purple Melon at the Viper Room, where J-Bobby's band is also performing. He's in a band? Plus 7.

Justin being a drummer without us knowing for years? Minus 3. Expecting us to believe Audrina just happened to show up? Minus 4. Him being pretty good? Plus 9.

She omits mention of seeing Justin when she recounts the night to Ryan. Minus 5. Then the next evening (when Cabrera is out of town), they meet up again. Sigh

Just FYI, MTV expects us to buy this after this loser strung her along for 2-3 seasons, then supposedly dated Kristin, then vanished, then resurfaced. Minus 15.

A final note on the unexplained absence of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who split up over the weekend: It sucks. Life without Speidi is not worth living. Minus 15.

TOTAL: -26. SEASON: +16. Some more images from last night:

by Free Britney at . Comments

Spencer Pratt is out of control. We've known this for some time at THG, but now it has gotten to the point where even his friends and family see he is losing it.

Last night's episode of The Hills, "This is Goodbye," focused on Heidi's husband's deteriorating mental health, as well as Brody and Kristin's renewed romance.

Here's The Hollywood Gossip's official Hills rundown, plus-minus style:

Holly and Stephanie lament being the only sane ones left in their families. Never mind that both of them have serious, well-publicized drinking issues. Plus 9.

After Holly rehashes how Spencer called the cops on Heidi's mom, Steph says Speidi has no friends. Charlie is rolling in his grave as we speak. Minus 4.

Heidi and Kristin are friends? Were they always? Hard to keep track. Plus 3.

Spencer looks like he needs a hug.

"Who am I without Spencer?" Heidi ponders. Hmm. Probably a reasonably cute, harmless, not brainwashed chick with friends and real-looking breasts. Minus 37.

Audrina Patridge visits her boyfriend Ryan Cabrera at the studio. He's apparently still under contract? Minus 2. But Plus 8 for his decision to skip that night's drama.

Venturing out of his hole for once, Spencer calls Audrina the "lamest girl in the club" which sparks an argument between himself and Brody. Like old times. Plus 5.

Heidi Montag has a threefold excuse for Spencer: 1. He has stuff on his mind (Minus 3). 2. All guys are controlling (Minus 6). 3. She changed herself (Minus 12).

Most awkward clubbing moments ever: Heidi Montag shows her crystals collection to Kristin as Spencer says Heidi doesn't watch TV or use the computer. Plus 20.

OMG, Brody and Kristin are, like, so meant to be ... but single!

Holly and Stephanie say they are done with Heidi and Spencer, while Kristin Cavallari and Brody Jenner get down on the floor and eventually leave together. Plus 9.

The next day, Kristin says what they have going is good, whatever it is. Brody says he likes being single, and Kristin does too. Holla at friends with benefits! Plus 18.

Obligatory Lo scene! Steph says that she is flipping between being angry and sad over Heidi and Spencer. Blah, blah, blah. Stephanie and Lo are so boring. Minus 7.

The girls all are told by MTV agree to completely cut off Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Pratt. No communication at all. Plus 5 for effort, but we give it about half an episode.

TOTAL: +4. SEASON: +55. Basically, it was an episode in which everyone agrees Speidi is insane, and Brody macked on Kristin. Boilerplate stuff, but we'll take it.

by Free Britney at . Comments

The second episode of The Hills' final season focused on nasty rumors and the b!tch who started them. Yes, we know that applies to pretty much every episode.

Lauren Conrad's non-sex tape and Speidi's involvement in spreading that story took up multiple seasons. Is Kristin Cavallari's "drug problem" the new version?

Last night's episode, "Rumor Has It," found her singling out Stephanie as the rumor culprit. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

Kristin on Stephanie Pratt and why she'd start rumors: "Because she's crazy, she's a pathological liar, she has nothing going on in her life." All true. Plus 15.

Stacie the Bartender is still around. Does Kristin not have any girlfriends the network didn't create for her? Is Stacie the Bartender her full name? Minus 4.

Brody Jenner: "[Steph] made up these rumors because she is a crazy person. With her past drug addiction, maybe she's mirroring herself." Deep. Plus 7.

Cocaine. It's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Stephanie and Lo read about Kristin's drug use from gossip tabloids and thus think "she is definitely doing drugs," which is hilarious on many levels. Minus 3.

Kristin throws a party to "get to the bottom of this." Or because MTV told her too. Plus 2, because amazingly, the whole cast will be there, including Speidi!

Minus 9 for the lines fed to Brody about Ryan Cabrera and the fake conflict over Audrina. Metrosexual cracks are cliched, and why the eff would Brody care?

LOL, Ryan does look kind of d-bag-ish, however, so Plus 3.

Heidi Montag is, like, excited to debut her new body. Her fam didn't love her new look, but friends think she looks great. Psst ... they're getting paid. Plus 7.

What is Lo even doing on the show at this point? Minus 4.

Stephanie starts to make small talk with Spencer Pratt, but gets so choked up and starts to cry. Spencer berates her. How awesomely dysfunctional. Plus 5.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Dismayed by family issues, Spencer is carrying around crystals to channel his anger and bring life "peace and balance." What a ridiculous human being. Plus 12.

Kristin says she really doesn't want to be friends with Stephanie because she just likes to create drama. That and 100 other reasons make sense to us. Plus 3.

Nice to see Charlie adopting the Justin-Bobby look. Minus 6.

What's more fake, any dialogue featuring Stephanie and Kristin or Heidi Montag's ginormous, hilarious fake boobs? No points, just throwing that out there.

TOTAL: +30. SEASON: +40. This was The Hills at its best and worst, all at the same time. So much contrived, but entertaining nonsense to go around.

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

Lauren Bosworth Biography

Lauren Conrad and Lo Bosworth Filming The Hills Lauren Bosworth, best known as Lo, became famous on Laguna Beach. She is great friends with Lauren Conrad, and moved in with her former... More »
Born
Birthplace
Laguna Beach, California
Full Name
Lauren Ogilvie Bosworth

Lauren Bosworth Quotes

That melts my little black heart!

Lauren Bosworth [on Lauren Conrad and Stephen Colletti hanging out again]

Brody's girlfriend is pretty. With very large breasts.

Lauren Bosworth [on Cora Skinner]
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