Kourtney Kardashian

It's the moment we've waited for this entire wash of a season: Khloe arrived.

However, we weren't given enough time with the married old gal to measure how much we've missed her. The producers thought it would be a great idea to devote half the 22 minutes to Scott, who had landed himself the May cover of Men's Fitness (whyyyy?).

The remainder focused on Kim's sour puss, a result of the lollipops-and-gummi bears relationship between her oldest and youngest sisters. This isn't a shock, as we've seen Kourtney and Khloe play odd-man-out with Kim for the past four years.

As one of three girls, I'll admit this happens from time to time. But it's clear that the producers were searching for a storyline and know how well Khloe and Kourtney's dynamic is received by the viewers. Tough break, Kimmy. Call up Kris.

She'll hang with you. Scott Disick would do it, but he's too busy dreaming of his Men's Fitness wardrobe. Gucci and Tom Ford and fast cars, oh my!

I spent the first ten minutes gagging thanks to Scott. He saunters into the suite and tells his beloved that Men's Fitness has selected him for their May cover.

Then the jabs begin (even more reason to love Kourtney): Scott doesn't work out, why would they pick him... that sort of thing.

Look out, New York City. You may not be free from Kourtney Kardashian any time soon,

In the latest issue of some magazine called Cliq, the reality star says she and Scott Disick have discussed taking up semi-permanent residence in the Big Apple.

"We keep going back and forth," she says. "Scott has had a place in New York since he was born, so we go there a lot. Now that we have a store in New York, we have a reason to go back. I'd love to be bicoastal."

One drawback of New York living, though?

"If I want to go somewhere far and want to take Mason, it's just hard with a car seat in a taxi," Kourtney lies, leaving out the part about how her family takes a car service everywhere it goes.

You can afford to do that when you make $65 million per year. And the Kardashians won't be slowing down any time soon, this mother of one says:

"We have a million things going on. We have a lifestyle clothing line that we've been working on for years coming out with Sears in the fall."

We're fast approaching the point of too much Kardashian (quite frankly, I think we may already be past that point). Ryan Seacrest and his minions need a new formula, because the current one of Kim plus Kourtney and too much of Scott Disick isn't working.

Once upon a time Kris and Co. were a guilty pleasure, and we'd happily wait around for Khloe to tip Kourtney upside down like a teapot. 

Here in the city that never sleeps, though, the viewers find ourselves dozing off during Kourtney & Kim Take New York. Why are we so bored, you ask?

It's the dynamic between Kourtney and Kim. We've been over this a few times. As sultry (and a bit slutty) as Kim Kardashian might appear on print, she doesn't have much on-screen appeal.

The only time we get a chuckle out of the buxom brunette is when Kourt and Khloe make a joke at her expense. We're all well aware now why Kourtney and Khloe play favorites with one another - it's because Kim is snoozy and a little self-centered.

If we're going to be forced to endure more Kardashian invasion, let's at least bring in the players that entertain us. Even Kourtney's struggling to keep our attention this go-round, and giving Scott more airtime isn't helping things.

It was much better when he tinkered around in the background. Remember season one of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? He was just Kourtney's younger boyfriend, sometimes around for tapings, but oftentimes on the other coast.

Let's revisit that formula, because it worked well for everyone.

Last week Ryan Seacrest debuted Kim Kardashian's new single, "Jam (Turn It Up)" on his KIIS-FM radio show, and last night we had the pleasure of watching it come together on Kourtney & Kim Take New York. 

It's splendid that The-Dream had a vision and wanted to "try it out," but next time try it out on someone you've heard sing well. Grab a kid from 'Glee,' or browse the posts on YouTube. There has to be someone out there better suited to sing "Jam (Turn It Up)" than Kim-unless you're going for that auto tone feel.

If that's the case, then a job well done (auto tone is hip right now - they used it at the Oscars).

Kim's been everywhere lately (and at almost every awards show, which befuddled even her biggest fans), so it was only a matter of time before she was presented with the option to sing a song. Paris Hilton did it, and she enjoyed moderate success for a short time. So let's try it out on her protege.

We were witness to the moment the idea was born, and wanted to pull Ciara's hair for even mentioning it over lunch. Don't shoot the messenger, you say?

Fine, we'll just lock Ciara and The-Dream up with a raw track of Kim's voice until they admit it was a poor idea.

Sunday, the Kardashian sisters brought us boring birthday drama. On Presidents Day, we were treated to ANOTHER new episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, which means two nights in a row of scripted "dramedy."

How lucky are we? Our founding fathers reached out to us from beyond the grave cheering: "Behold, the American dream. For she who invests time and money in black eye shadow and bandage dresses will prosper."  

There are so many elements that make this Kardashian installment much blander than the others; KKTNY is missing key characters who make each 22 minutes pop.

We were able to withstand only two Kardashians in Miami because of the oldest-youngest sisterly dynamic (and be honest, nothing is cuter than seeing Khloe rock Kourtney like a baby).

There was a repertoire between those two that is lacking with Kim and Kourtney. No wonder Kourt had Scott move into their abode. This setup is boring even the stars! 

Where's Kris in her inappropriate outfits, sneaking cigarettes and red wine after a hard day of pimping out her 600 offspring? Can we pan the camera west to catch a cozy moment between Rob and Lamar? We'll wait until spring, but we're not thrilled about it.

For now, we'll sit through the rest of the season and rip to shreds the stellar scripting of Kourtney & Kim Take New York.

We learned a few days ago that the Kardashian family grossed $65 million in 2010, and guess what? We're alllllllllllll to blame. You, me, the little girl clutching her copy of Kardashian Konfidential. They're an intriguing family, that bunch.

What started out as another reality show in 2007 has snowballed into an enormous empire made up of slutty clothes and sexually-charged commercials.

Somewhere in a holding cell, Paris Hilton is seething.

Sunday on Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Kim ushered in year 30 with a heavy heart. The-one-with-the-derriere says she imagined herself married with kids by this milestone. Instead she's a bona fide sex symbol/entrepeneur rolling in cash.

This is not a deviation I would spend my birthday moments crying over.

I'd be too busy simultaneously patting myself on the back while throwing dollar bills from my hotel room screaming, "I don't have to battle the baby weight and I haven't married the wrong man! AND I just bought myself another Birkin!"  

Birthdays are difficult for a lot of us. Yet Kim's birthday is treated as a national holiday in the land of Kardashian (population: pretty much everyone). Kim walks into her suite at the Smythe to find the dining room table covered in gifts and flowers.

The viewers were hoping for a little more gratitude, but were prepared for a puss. Kim searched the table for flowers from a cute guy, but all she found was expensive crap from every sort of platonic relation possible. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

WOW!! Where do the mags come up with this stuff? And claiming exclusives? Come on now. - Kourtney Kardashian, in response to OK! Weekly claiming she and Scott Disick were engaged, the proposal to be featured on the season finale of her reality show.

It's important to note: nowhere in that Tweet does Kourtney deny the report.

Rumors of Kourtney's engagement - a source says she "wears the ring at home" all the time - is now fueled by a second tabloid covering the same story, although its credibility must be questioned because it also states Kim Kardashian is engaged to Kris Humphries. She's not.

By now, we can only hope consumers are catching on:

The Kardashians rake in MILLIONS by letting magazines plaster their faces on the cover. No harm is done, the sisters can speak out against the reports, thereby bringing attention to publication and raising sales figures. Everyone wins.

Except the ignorant patrons who purchase these rags.

We're just this big family with a lot of drama and a lot of issues, and there's someone here for everyone to relate to. - Kris Jenner to The Hollywood Reporter.

In case it wasn't obvious before how similar the Kardashians were to Sarah Palin, this quote and its affiliated article, which takes us inside the world of Kim, Khloe and company, makes it more apparent than ever: both parties have perfected the art of coming across like the Average Joe...

... while raking in the sort of cash scarcely seen by the average stock broker. In 2010 alone, it's now been revealed, the Kardashian made $65 million. That's about 65 million more dollars than positive contributions made to society.

As the clear brains behind the family's financial success, Kris Jenner tells the trade she was faced with a dilemma when the Kim Kardashian sex tape came out in 2007:

I had to cry and get upset in the privacy of my own room and then come out and help her, because she's my daughter... All I knew was that I had to make some lemonade out of these lemons fast. Real fast... My job was trying to take my kids' 15 minutes and turn it into 30."

In news almost as shocking as Camille Grammer clamoring for pity, a new report spoils the finale of Kourtney and Kim Take New York...

... and states that the series will conclude with Scott Disick "proposing" to Kourtney Kardashian. From there?

"Just like sister Khloe and Lamar, Kourtney and Scott will not only get their own show but also a wedding. It's going to be TV gold," an insider tells Pop Eater.

Kris Jenner, of course, is the evil genius behind Scott and Kourtney's planned reality show, which will follow the bride and groom as they pretend to argue over wedding details.

"What is going to make this new show a monster hit is that Scott and Kourtney are actually happier than ever," the source adds. "Heading toward the alter is the next step for them with or without the cameras."

HA! Without the cameras. This is the Kardashians we're talking about, right? That was funny.

UPDATE: Claims a show insider: "We WISH they would get engaged! But no news yet...They have promised to let us know if and when they pop the question!"

Last night's episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York featured the return of Shengo. You know, Kim's former bodyguard? Well, this time he's off the clock, people.

We don't even need to tell you what happened. But we will.

Elsewhere, Scott Disick proved yet again that he is a Class A Douchewaddle who can't wait to conquer the business world. If only he had the slightest clue how.

Our staff member reviews all the scripted action right here:

Ryan Seacrest and his producers are doing everything they can to keep us tuned into the Kardashians, and that includes capturing pillow talk the morning after.

You all remember Shengo, right? The Australian bodyguard who was hired to protect Kris Jenner's cash cow once upon a time? Now Shengo finds himself in the same city as Kim, and this Aussie beefcake is off the clock.

It's time to have a few cocktails and see where the night leads us, because things aren't like they were the last time these two were alone.  

Earlier in the episode, Kourtney accused Kim of falling for men too quickly. Kim loves the idea of being in love, according to her (now) boring, older sister. It's so easy to judge the singletons from the confines of your hotel suite, hmmmm Kourtney?

Just wait until Scott picks you up for lunch....