Kourtney Kardashian

This week on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami featured something called a blood facial for Kim, but it wasn't as dirty as it probably sounds. 

Also, Scott ended up almost losing one of his balls … sort of.

Come along for THG's official +/- KKTM recap!

Kim, or the producers who script her every move, have always loved "detective work." That's how she justifies her spying and meddling, anyway. Minus 50.

So you can imagine how excited she is when Larsa's friend Jake, an actual real P.I., comes to the city to work on a pro bono kidnapping case.

Kim Kardashian signs up to help, which is unrealistic in so many ways if they expect us to believe this is a real case, but that's reality TV for you. Minus 350.

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After a one-week, Oscar-induced hiatus (some things are still bigger than the Kardashians) Kourtney & Kim Take Miami returned with a bang Sunday.

KKTM continued tackling the big, mostly contrived issues in the sisters' lives, as well as Jonathan Cheban, who we last saw getting BELTED by Kourt.

How'd things play out this week? Find out in THG's recap!

Right off the bat, Kim's friend Karen asks - without prompting from the producers WHATSOEVER - if she thinks she'll marry Kanye West someday.

"I do," says Kim, smiling. Groan. Minus 175 for the cheesiness of that scene, and Plus only 25 for the sentiment, because we don't think she's serious.

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Thankfully, neither of them received an invitation to the actual Academy Awards.

But Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian still made their fashionable presence felt last night, walking the red carpet of Elton John's annual viewing party.

A pregnant Kim Kardashian strutted her growing stuff in white, while Kourtney went with a flowing red gown.

Which look do you like best? Weigh in now - and then visit our Oscars fashion gallery for ALL the best/worst dressed!

If you thought hornball Scott putting the moves on Khloe was enough faux drama for the week on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, you thought wrong!

KKTM ran it back for a special Monday episode this week, as well! Because who can get enough of them, honestly. Sure as heck not the THG staff.

What contrived nonsense awaited E! viewers this time around? Specifically, why did Jonathan Cheban get slapped by an irate Kardashian sister?

Find out now in THG's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami recap!

During a photo shoot for UK Cosmopolitan, Kim and Khloe discuss filling out the magazine's questionnaire re: what Kim would do if she was a man.

"If I was a man, I would want to know what it's like to have sex with myself," Kim told her sister. "I would just want to know what it would feel like."

Even Kim herself wishes she were Ray J sometimes. Plus 850.

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If you thought putting the moves on your girlfriend's sister after she just gave birth was out of bounds, you don't know these people - or their scripted show.

Scott Disick and Ryan Seacrest Productions, everybody!

Yes, that was the big storyline of the week, for anyone who chooses to believe it. In reality, Scott Disick is as much of a character as you'll see on any sitcom.

What did he pretend to do Sunday and did it make for good TV?

Come along for THG's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami recap!

Naturally, Scott was upset that post-partum Kourtney isn't up for getting it in. Such is life, but Minus 20 for being even a little surprised at this point.

Enter Khloe Kardashian for scripted entertainment! Plus 20.

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After Kourtney's breast milk took center stage a week ago, the Kardashian family really got the competitive juices flowing instead on last night's episode.

Sometimes a little sibling rivalry can be fun, but when there are double-digit siblings named Kardashian and Jenner, things can get out of hand quickly.

Come along for THG's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami recap!

Kris, Kylie, Brandon, Leah and Bruce Jenner all show up to be on Kim and Kourtney's team in the annual Miami Dragon Boat Race for charity.

Because Leah was feeling ill, Kourtney assumed her step-brother's wife was pregnant. Not the case. Way to jump to conclusions Kourt. Minus 30.

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Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian were guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, with topics of the interview including the fiscal cliff, possible immigration reform and...

... JUST KIDDING!

Kim Kardashian baby talk dominated the Q&A.

In the interview's first segment, Kim said her pregnancy was a "nice surprise," going on to explain which family member she broke the news to first:

Kim and Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian on Jimmy Kimmel Live

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We were really pumped up to watch this week's Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, if you get what we're talking about. We're talking about Kourt's breast milk.

Sneaking around was the theme last night, from Kim's efforts to gank the fruits of her sis' lactation (don't even ask) to Scott going all covert on us.

Eventually everyone was busted, but hey, that's what happens when the whole show is scripted you keep secrets! Come along for THG's +/- KKTM recap!

Kim has psoriasis. Boo hoo. Amazingly, she just happened to stumble upon the little known fact that breast milk can help a lot with the skin condition.

Where, oh where, will she attempt to find some?! Minus 40.

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Kourtney Kardashian and Kim Kardashian returned to take over Miami on E! last night, as the sisters took their scripted act to The Sunshine State.

And then they gave it to Kris Humphries.

From the best one-liners to the most clearly contrived storylines, we run down the opener of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami in our patented +/- system below...

Khloe is in the house because her house is being renovated. Of course it is. PLUS 7 for this totally creative way to work the most fun sister into the series.

And PLUS 7 more for Khloe immediately focusing her wrath on Humphries, referring to his marriage with Kim as a "waste" of her sister's "time." MINUS 19, however, for not including the entire world along with Kim in that.

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Kim Kardashian is not feuding with Beyonce.

Sister Khloe Kardashian is not jealous of her sister's pregnancy.

And the divorce case with Kris Humphries is not moving along as quickly as Kim would like.

Kim and Kourtney touched on all these topics and more this week during an interview with radio program Sway in the Morning, as the pair continue to promote this Sunday's premiere of them taking over Miami.

Give the discussion a look and a listen now if you somehow aren't sick of this reality star already:

Kim and Kourtney on Sway in the Morning