Who knew beating off would one day pay off.
An online porn company exec is offering a load of advice to wacky Anne Heche's estranged, whack-happy husband, Coley Laffoon: Stop getting busted, jackass!
TMZ has obtained a letter to Laffoon by PureVanilla.com Vice President, Kevin Blatt, explaining how our man Coley (below, left) might better address his "hobby" in the future.
Kevin Blatt could be described as a poor man's David Hans Schmidt. Blatt is best known as the gentleman who brokered the Paris Hilton sex tape deal and other celebrity porn agreements. He's also the mind behind the upcoming reality TV show, Virgin Territory.
But now, his focus is Coleman "Coley" Laffoon, the sap who married Anne Heche and finds himself in a custody fight in which his propensity for beating the meat is oft-discussed.
Here's Kevin Blatt's letter to Coley Laffoon:
We understand where you are coming from. So you looked at a little porn? Who doesn't? Heck, if Anne Heche were the judge, ANYONE looking at porn could be considered a "porn addict with compulsive masturbation problems."
Well, we know that's not true about you. For innocent guys like yourself, THE CRIME WASN'T LOOKING - THE CRIME WAS GETTING CAUGHT!
We're prepared to offer you something to protect you privacy - A PureVanilla.com Gold Card. With it you can join a ton of sites without anyone ever finding out - the website names don't show up on your credit card statements, and the websites never have access to your personal information - so nobody will find out what you're doing.
You are completely anonymous! It's perfect for celebrities who need privacy but want to look at porn (Charlie Sheen, you listening?) PureVanilla.com is the only company that can offer privacy protection on every transaction you make.
What do you say, Coleman? Wanna look at more porn (without getting caught)??