Kelly Bensimon The Real Housewives of New York City

Birthdays abound on this week's Real Housewives of New York. Whose party was the hottest? Whose was a train wreck and who wore the shortest skirt? Read on as we analyze all things Housewives in our +/- review!

How many birthday parties can they fit into one episode of Housewives? Three must be a new record and I'll offer up a Plus 5 for giving equal time to them all.

Jill is up first as Luann throws her a surprise birthday party at Chez Josephine. Luann says the venue is red and outgoing and reminds her of Jill Zarin. Ramona finds it claustrophobic and cramped. I simply think the entire party was a train wreck. 

First we have the cheesy magician who will seemingly try anything to get on camera. Minus 3. Then what the hell is Simon wearing? I'll give him a Plus 5 for never ceasing to amaze me (or is it scare me) with his wardrobe choices. 

Ramona is downright frightening as she dons a red wig and starts screeching "Bobby, I want bigger diamonds." If her goal isn't to insult Jill, I'm lost as what it is. Minus 7 for embarrassing herself and the birthday girl.

Can someone please tell Luann that she can't sing? Her performance and Vegas showgirl / drag queen impersonation is a pathetic attempt to be the center of attention. Minus 10 for not knowing when to sit back and play the good host, quietly.

From there we move on to the Sweet Sixteen parties, minus the sweet. 

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Be it in Morocco or New York, the Real Housewives can't stay out of trouble or each other's business. Let's recap their ups and downs with our +/- review!

On her return from Morocco, Ramona sets up a serious date night. Negligee, rose petals, the works but Mario leaves her waiting which gets a Minus 5. 

Ramona tells him about the fortune teller. Wow, that took some guts. Of course he denies that there's anyone else and hey, we have no proof that there is but Mario just comes off sleazy to me. Then Ramona gives him a foot massage. Did anyone else feel like she was trying too hard?

Simon gets a Plus 8 for being the only husband to pick his wife up at the airport. That is always romantic but the basket full of panties and Simon's comments while Alex models the lingerie made me cringe. What really killed it for me was having to listen to Simon's cheesy lines. I suppose Alex must find it a turn on but Minus 5 for me.

Cindy's slideshow was making me dizzy and I can't believe Sonja cut her out of all of the photos. Petty but very funny and I'll give Sonja a Plus 5 for admitting it.

Sonja takes a trampoline class? For adults and coed? OK, I'm out of the loop. What the heck goes on in a trampoline class?

Sonja keeps the tags on all of her clothes. Minus 7 for being incredibly tacky. And yet she's declaring bankruptcy for $19 million. Whatever happened must have been a very bad business deal. Damn. There's obviously details we're not getting. I'm wondering if Sonja even understands them all herself.

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Tears. Lots of tears.

That's what happens when things spiral out of control between Jill and Ramona. It's the aftermath of their battle as The Real Housewives of New York City continue their Moroccan adventure. THG's +/- recap breaks it down:

"That will be a day rotting in hell before I kiss that woman's ass." Jill cries. Jill's upset but then Luann jumps in saying she won't let that happen. Then she storms off to find Ramona. Minus 7 for taking sides without having been in the room.

Alex describes Luann as acting as though she were watching the Christians being fed to the lions and although I was taken aback by the description, I can't disagree with it. Luann reacts with a strange combination of judgement, condescension, and glee. 

On the other side of the house Ramona is crying as much as Jill but her friends have a different way of dealing with it as Sonja asks, "Do we have any Pinot Grigio?" Plus 5 for knowing the best way to calm Ramona.

Everyone tries to pull it together enough to go out and have a good time but Jill and Ramona seem to be the only ones really trying. The rest of the group can't keep from sniping at one another. 

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The Real Housewives of New York City are still on their Moroccan adventure and needless to say, the fireworks haven't stopped.

Find out who made up and who simply gave up in THG's +/- recap!

We open the episode right where we left off last week as the psychic tells Ramona that there is another woman after her husband. Suddenly everyone is speculating whether Mario is cheating on Ramona.

Kelly and Luann are tripping over one another to get the translation correct. They get a Plus 5 for trying to take their jobs seriously but Deduct 3 because their bickering over interpretation made things even more confusing.

Sonja bursts into tears. She does a lot of that this week. Maybe she's flashing on the fact that her husband left her. Maybe she just feels that badly for her good friend Ramona but I'm handing her a Minus 5 because in the end Ramona ended up consoling her. Shouldn't that have been the other way around?

Jill quickly gossips with the crowd that she's heard that Mario's been fooling around. Ooh, that's a Negative 5 on the friend meter.

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This week on The Real Housewives of New York City, the Moroccan adventure began and there seemed to be a contest for who could be the ugliest American.

Join THG for its +/- recap, with points awarded for the worst behavior! Yes, since these are the Real Housewives, inappropriate and ridiculous are positive ...

The first group headed to Morocco included Luann, Jill, Kelly, and Cindy. The four behaved themselves, more or less and arriving without incident. Minus 5 each.

Luann made certain the staff greeted her properly as Countess de Lesseps. Oh, that Countess title just never gets old. Plus 3 for ego. She also earned a Plus 2 for name dropping when she subtlety inserted that Brad Pitt just left the Riad. She's back up to zero points.

Kelly gushed that this was a trip of a lifetime. She loved the Riad, calling it warm and luminous and was concerned about greeting the staff properly. Kelly obviously didn't know we were vying for ugly American points today. Minus another 5 for such appropriate behavior.

Ramona's worried this trip won't meet her standards. She must have the right type cotton sheets, her feather pillows and "I need my Pinot Grigio at all times." Ah, good to know she'd be coming to Morocco with an open mind. Plus 3. Add an additional point for the mention of her Pinot.

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The Real Housewives of New York City were back this week for plenty of sniping, tears, and Pinot. As Luann plans to take the ladies on a Moroccan vacation, Cindy buses the girls out to the Canyon Ranch Spa and Ramona ...

Well, Ramona continues to guzzle her own wine.

THG breaks it all down in our +/- recap below!

Luann decides to treat the ladies to a fabulous vacation… to Morocco. Where can I find a friend like Luann! Plus 10.

Jill and Cindy are in immediately. Plus 5. Ramona reacts negatively. Morocco's too exotic for her but on further thought says she'll make it work. Maybe she's afraid the country doesn't carry her Pinot. Minus 3.

Alex is in but laments that Simon doesn't like couscous. For having her relate everything back to Simon, Minus 2. Kelly agrees to think about it and after the fiasco that was last year's trip, I don't blame her for hesitating. She gets a Plus 1 for just considering it.

What's up with Luann's hoop earrings. I know these ladies like their jewelry large but my dog could jump through those. Plus 1.

Luann calls Ramona out on attacking Jill at the party last week. Plus 4. Ramona of course blames it all on Jill. Minus 3.

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It's just Jill. It's just Ramona. It's just the housewives at their bitchy best.

At the launch party for her new wine, Ramona can't stop screeching at Jill. Jill walking away does nothing to halt her tirade. Ramona can't seem to stop herself.

Perhaps she needs to drink a little more of her own wine or more than likely, she's had way to much of it. 

Earlier, Ramona has a photo shoot. She feels her picture needs to grace the cover of her products. I'm shocked.

Ramona playing model is always downright frightening. Her "sexy eyes" are just plain creepy. Then an assistant tells her she looks like a young Pamela Anderson.

Wow. How much money do you have to pay to get that much sucking up.

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Jill Zarin is back and thank goodness. I have to admit, I actually missed her.

She says her time away gave her a chance to reevaluate her priorities and she plans to stay out of the gossip and the drama. Right. That lasts all of five minutes.

I almost can't blame Jill for that though. These ladies breathe drama and they can't open their mouths without gossiping. 

Ramona not joining the group for lunch makes her the instant topic of conversation. Kelly laments having to confront Ramona about her threatening text message.

The drunken text wasn't nice but I wouldn't call it threatening. As Sonja put it, "a threat is a horsehead in your bed."

But the group decides that Kelly needs some help and Sonja role-plays giving the funniest most spot on Ramona impression to date. How much time do these ladies spend together anyway?

Since Luann calls Ramona a "nasty little fighter" Kelly brings Sonja along for backup. 

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How can you not love the Hamptons? It's so beautiful, so peaceful. 

That is until the housewives arrive, drink all the Pinot and steal the dip.

I used to think Kelly was the crazy one of the group but lately I've begun to realize that that title is up for grabs. Ramona scares me. I think it's the crazy eyes. She makes Kelly look sane. The fact that Ramona has no filter between her brain and her mouth is highly entertaining to watch but must be hell to live with.

I lost track of the number of people Ramona offended in this episode.

First she calls out Luann's mothering abilities at a party. Granted, I question the idea of leaving two teenagers virtually unattended for a couple of days.

Who is this "mother's helper" Luann speaks of? Luann's kids come across as intelligent and well behaved but even the best teenagers find trouble.

That being said, Ramona still had no business questioning Luann's parenting and certainly not in public.

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The Real Housewives of New York City were back again last night with speed dating, runway walks, and hair removal, and the results are simply ridiculous.

Ramona is asked to take another run at the catwalk. Given the fiasco her walk created last year I can only imagine that she's invited back as a publicity stunt.

It's hard to say which is funnier, Ramona's zombie eyed expression or the height difference between her and all of the other models.

One by one these tall, slender, professional models hit the runway and then there's Ramona and you have to look two feet lower.

As one of the ladies quipped, it's like Ramona is the mascot.

Alex gives modeling a go as well with a campy photo shoot. OK, I guess it's trying to be high fashion but the entire picture was absurd. I'm not sure what was worse, the hair teased to look like a brillo pad, the overly dramatic eye makeup, or Alex's strange expressions.

Then Alex shows up to Ramona's event wearing the get up she was photographed in.

I know she says she had to run straight from the photo shoot, but showing up with that hair took guts. The ladies comments range from asking if she wore a wig, wondering if she'd had an electrical shock, and thinking she was a koochi girl. 

I will say I enjoyed parts of Ramona's speech.

Her father refused to pay for her education because he thought it would be a waste of money since she'd just get married and have babies. Coming from that sort of environment to running her own businesses, Ramona is an inspiration.

Unfortunately, that only applies to business, not necessarily friendship.

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