by Free Britney at . Comments

Somebody please explain this one to us, if you don't mind.

At what point did Justin-Bobby become more than a transient figure, but a guy The Hills is based around, with Kristin Cavallari and Audrina Patridge smitten?

What is the appeal of this guy? What woman doesn't love a mysterious, shady individual morally opposed to haircuts, bathing, working or speaking coherently?

It is useless to resist.

Audrina Patridge proved again that she cannot quit him, casting Ryan Cabrera aside. Meanwhile, Kristin brought the ruckus to that psycho b!tch Allie Lutz.

Here's THG's recap of Tuesday's The Hills, "Make Up to Break Up" ...

FEEL THE MAGIC: A scene straight out of a Lifetime film.

Audrina has weighed the pros and cons with Ryan, and it's not gonna work. We're imagining her writing an actual list. Pros: Nice, rich. Cons: Hair? Minus 4.

Kristin and Lo are bummed about Audrina's feelings toward Ryan. Plus 5, because they know he deserves better and that Justin-Bobby is a waste of space.

From the moment Brody Jenner arrives at the club, Kristin and he flirt relentlessly. Hot. Plus 3, because you might as well cue the adult film soundtrack now.

Sleazy T sighting! Plus 2.

Brody says McKaela Line is crazy for bringing Allie Lutz around. Minus 8, because McKaela Line and her connection to the crew are clearly fabricated by MTV.

Allie spots Kristin across the club and tries to make amends, but Kristin calls her and their awesomely snarky confrontation almost gets physical. Plus 12.

Bitch Please

BITCH PLEASE: Kristin Cavallari will bring it, Allie Lutz. Step. Away.

Kristin shows up at Smashbox to meet Lo for lunch and is fake surprised to see McKaela there. Wow, can you BELIEVE the coincidental run-ins on this show? Plus 7.

Ryan Cabrera asks Audrina why she left his show early and she says it's just too hard for her to hear him sing, 'cause the feelings just aren't there. Weak. Minus 8.

No Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Again. Minus 10.

Kristin invites Justin to Audrina's b-day party for reasons unknown. Minus 5. Weren't these two supposedly together at the end of last season? That fizzled fast.

Audrina and Stephanie talk about the difficulties of relationships and the importance of honesty ... except when faking every single scene for a reality show. Plus 3.

Justin-Bobby tells Audrina he's happy where the two of them are now. Sitting at THG World Headquarters writing this, we wish we could say the same. Minus 5.

TOTAL: -8. SEASON: -14.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Another week, another episode of The Hills that could have used a dose of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who have just vanished from it with no explanation.

Amusingly, Speidi's real life drama is chronicled on the MTV show's official blog, despite no sign of them on the show in weeks, or acknowledgment of this fact.

Whacking Balls

In any case, the show was more of the same that we've seen in recent weeks - Allie Lutz continues to vie for McKaela Line and battles it out with Team Kristin.

Seriously, this is what The Hills has become, and alas, what it will continue to be in all likelihood. Lauren Conrad and Speidi are not walking through that door!

Here's THG's plus-minus recap of last night's The Hills ...

Once again torn between Justin-Bobby and a superior guy, Audrina Patridge talks with Lo, who asks if she'd take J-B back if he changed. No answer. Minus 14.

Justin-Bobby gets thugged out at the club - and deep, man.

Kristin Cavallari tells Brody Jenner that she warned McKaela about Allie and alleged break-in we're supposed to care about. She's so catty, it's great. Plus 7.

Allie insists to McKaela that Kristin's stories about her are, like, so totally not true and drops the classic drunk girl line: "They don't even KNOW me!" Plus 5.

Everybody heads to Les Deux later - including Justin-Bobby and Ryan Cabrera, who have the most awkward introduction ever. Plus 9, because that was real!

Justin-Bobby tells Brody that Audrina "deserves the world" and doesn't need grief. Minus 12, because there's no way he didn't read that off MTV's cue cards.

Stephanie and Max are having a nice dinner when talk turns to her estranged relationship with Spencer Pratt and her DUI arrest. Double buzzkill! Minus 9.

When Audrina suggests that the "honeymoon" is over, Ryan says "If we caught each other at the wrong time, we need to figure it out. It's your life." Plus 5.

The cheese factor is amped up to 11 when, live in concert, he says he wants to sing a love song, which prompts Audrina to start crying. Words fail us. Wash.

Kristin Cavallari Lutz Allie have it.

Side note: You gotta love how Ryan, unlike the others who receive just a single name (e.g. Audrina, McKaela, Kristin), is always billed as Ryan Cabrera. Plus 3.

Stephanie says she isn't sure if she is ready to date at this stage, at least until she finds a guy who understands her life. Minus 8. Um, girl, get over yourself.

At the Young Hollywood Party, Audrina Patridge hints at a breakup with Ryan. Too bad, because he actually seems like a good dude, despite the hair. Minus 7.

In vintage Hills fashion, an argument soon erupts between Kristin and Allie before Brody breaks it up. Poor McKaela just looks lost, unsure what to do. Plus 8.

Kristin thanks Brody for having her back, which he says he always will ... unless he wants to nail some new girl. They walk off arm-in-arm, as usual. Minus 3.

Side note: We swore Kristin Cavallari was Heidi Montag for a sec with the makeup and teased hair - but a lack of HUGE fake breasts dashed our hopes. Plus 2.

TOTAL: -14. SEASON: -6.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Tuesday, The Hills returned to its roots: Staged cat fights at clubs!

Only the people involved were pretty random, as was the reason for said cat fight. What we're seeing is basically a watered-down version of past Hills seasons.

Kristin Cavallari, Jay Cutler

McKaela Line was dissed by Brody Jenner and found out her new BFF, Allie Lutz, is viewed as an insane person by pretty much every other star of the show.

Yes, these were some of the primary peeps featured last night.

No LC. No Speidi. Sorry, McKaela Line, cute as you are, you don't do it for us, especially if you fall for these people's games. Are you that naive? This is Season Six!

Still, here's THG's rundown of The Hills, plus-minus style:

The Hills returns to its staged cat fight roots.

At Smashbox, where she shockingly got a job, McKaela is asked by Lo how things are going with Brody, but she says he hasn't called. Stunning, really. Minus 4.

At Stephanie's birthday party, Brody and Kristin Cavallari get cozy on the couch and ... whoa! McKaela walks in. Plus 5 for everyone making it look fairly natural.

All hell breaks loose when Kristin confronts her rival, Allie Lutz, and declares she will never like her after she broke into Brody's house. We care why? Minus 3.

Brody ignores McKaela's call with Kristin. Basically, this is 100 percent fake, and/or he's such an ass he's willing to be filmed playing girls. Either way, Plus 7.

Audrina says Brody and Kristin are practically soul mates. LOL. Minus 6 for that line no one would ever say and KC's assessment of their "undeniable chemistry."

Speaking of Audrina Patridge, she tells Steph she likes when Ryan Cabrera is away so she can have "quality girl time," code for "I'm sick of this loser." Plus 4.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Kristin on Allie: She's "the dumbest girl on the planet," she's "pure evil," and looks like "a 45-year-old stripper who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day." Plus 11.

Ryan tells Audrina he loves her despite her questioning their relationship ... then Audrina meets Justin Bobby at his shop while Ryan's on tour. Burned. Plus 10.

Allie tells McKaela that Kristin made up lies about her breaking into Brody's house. We wouldn't doubt it, but we're also straight up confused/bored, so Wash.

But Minus 33 for Justin-Bobby being on the show at all, because really? We haven't seen enough of this loser in three years? Minus 5 more for the hair, too.

J-B questions Audrina on her relationship with Ryan and offers a little advice. The extent to which Audrina self-sabotages her love life is staggering. Minus 7.

Kristin tells McKaela to watch out for Allie, and that Brody lies. Plus 13, because we all know Brody will get with them both whenever he decides anyway.

TOTAL: -8. SEASON: +8. Watching Brody Jenner play chicks is fun, but even that gets old. Bring back Speidi, get rid of Justin, and get Kristin a spine.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Old habits die hard. Especially when the producers of The Hills keep recycling them and you have zero self respect. Justin-Bobby and Audrina Patridge, everyone!

Yup, last night's Hills marked the return of He Who Must Not Be Named and Does Not Shower. It also marked another week of the same Kristin and Brody drama.

To say the show is growing stale and running out of compelling characters is an understatement. Still, here's THG's rundown of The Hills, plus-minus style:

Kristin and Stacie decide to go out and meet boys to get Kristin's mind off of Brody. Not surprisingly, they find themselves disappointed by the selection. Minus 1.

Brody tells McKaela there's nothing going on with Kristin Cavallari and she needs to deal. Plus 3 for poor, sweet, naive, out-of-town McKaela actually buying it.

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari: "Nothing going on."

McKaela meets up with L to talk about the "Kristin situation" and working at Smashbox Cosmetics. Yup, we've reached the point of Lo-McKaela story lines. Minus 16.

Brody Jenner in a nutshell: He likes Kristin; He likes being a player; He brings in new girls to prove they're just friends, then pursues her again. Repeat. Game. Plus 20.

Minus 8, though, because he and Avril Lavigne are together in real life, making it impossible to take any of what we're watching seriously (it was hard enough).

Poor, faithful Ryan Cabrera is, like, so devoted to Audrina, even though there's zero evidence of chemistry between them, and we know they break up. Minus 7.

Audrina Patridge is TOTALLY CAUGHT OFF GUARD by Justin-Bobby! Minus 20 because it's Justin-Bobby, but Plus 29 for such blatantly obvious contrived nonsense.

The producers told me I'd run into ... er, fancy seeing you here!

Ostensibly, the reunion happened when Audzo checked out the band Purple Melon at the Viper Room, where J-Bobby's band is also performing. He's in a band? Plus 7.

Justin being a drummer without us knowing for years? Minus 3. Expecting us to believe Audrina just happened to show up? Minus 4. Him being pretty good? Plus 9.

She omits mention of seeing Justin when she recounts the night to Ryan. Minus 5. Then the next evening (when Cabrera is out of town), they meet up again. Sigh

Just FYI, MTV expects us to buy this after this loser strung her along for 2-3 seasons, then supposedly dated Kristin, then vanished, then resurfaced. Minus 15.

A final note on the unexplained absence of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who split up over the weekend: It sucks. Life without Speidi is not worth living. Minus 15.

TOTAL: -26. SEASON: +16. Some more images from last night:

Justin-Bobby Brescia Biography

You may know Justin Brescia as Justin “Bobby” Brescia from The Hills. He's gone to bed with Audrina Patridge. Could be worse.... More »
Birthplace
Los Angeles, California
Full Name
Justin Brescia
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