Douchebag

Stop the presses: Jennifer Aniston is totally pregnant! With twins! And John Mayer is the dad! Except if you read the article, she's actually not. Minor detail.

The incredible Star Magazine claims Jen is "trying" to have a baby with that douchebag crooner before she turns 40. And she's pulling out all the stops.

A conveniently anonymous source said, "Her baby-making years are limited. It's hard for her to think of anything else. She has babies on the brain!"

Just not actually inside her.

SO THERE, ANGIE, INDEED: Jennifer Aniston is said to be pregnant for the 48th time this year. Except by pregnant, Star Magazine means not pregnant, of course.

In other made-up news on the same magazine cover, Lindsay Lohan supposedly hooked up with Justin Timberlake. Hey, why stop at one bogus story, right?

And elsewhere in the disgrace-to-celebrity-news world, how about Cosmo putting Britney Spears circa 2003 on the cover of its Australian edition this month!

Don't get us wrong, it's a smokin' hot pic. Just misleading.

Here's a photo of John Mayer shirtless, and it causes us to ask:

What's the big deal?!?

Is this image really so sexy, so seductive, so irresistible that it would enable the douchebag to bed Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Cameron Diaz and even Jennifer Aniston?

If you're a female - or Perez Hilton - reading this, please write in and let us know the appeal of John Mayer. The guy scores more in a week than Bret Michaels does on an entire season of Rock of Love.

Is it his looks? Or just his cheesy lyrics?

And if it's the latter, attention Megan Fox: your body is a wonderland.

There. Can we expect a call from the actress now?

Jessica Simpson is devastated and getting hammered every time she thinks of John Mayer tapping the spectacular booty of Jennifer Aniston.

But another Mayer ex, Minka Kelly, is all good with it.

"I wish them the best," the Friday Night Lights star said at NBC's upfront presentation in New York City on Monday night.

The extremely hot actress, 27, and the douchebag singer, 30, debuted as a couple in October 2007, but called it off in January.

"John initiated the split," a friend of the couple said at the time. "He just wasn't ready to commit to Minka or to anyone."

That's the understatement of the year. Guy cycles through women (and Perez Hilton) like nobody's business.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have been hot and heavy in Miami and New York over the past few weeks. Ew.

Singer John Mayer did not address his alleged make-out session with celebrity news blogger Perez Hilton during an XM radio interview yesterday.

He did, however, bash Perez Hilton personally more than once.

He complained on the radio that the general public "are people who ... couldn't name me three songs off one record, but get onto a blog and go to the comments and say, 'Well, he was with that dog so-and-so. He probably smells like butt.' You know, people try to like do the Perez Hilton syntax, and it's terrible."

Umm... sure thing John!

Mayer also said that when Perez Hilton got his own VH1 reality show, What Perez Sez, "that was the moment when the Fourth Wall broke."

John Mayer is hitting back against Perez Hilton and celebrity gossip in general ... although he's not denying that their alleged make-out session took place.

"I have never seen it, but that was the moment that the wall broke, and we realized that these people don't really hate celebrities," John Mayer said.

"They just want to be actually in there."

NOTE: We're starting to believe Perez more and more on this one.

Mayer said he expected more Hilton / celeb gossip copycats to emerge and get even nastier when it comes to critiquing news and celebrities' every move:

"There are 14-year old kids who think "Ehh, good Perez Hilton, but not good enough: I must add to that.... (typing) ... he's actually a douchebag!'"

We have to give credit to Perez Hilton this time.

Steering clear of politics, the infamous blogger is sticking with what has made him a household name - spreading juicy celebrity gossip.

Perez's accusation of the day: That John Mayer is "definitely" bisexual and that Hilton himself made out with the lame singer.

"He is definitely bi," Hilton declared on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show, adding that Mayer is "struggling with his sexuality."

Of their liplock at the New York City club Stereo last year, Hilton said:

"He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It was on the mouth. With tongue. I thought he was messing with me ... Then he kept going and going."

John Mayer is sexually confused and plays for both teams, according to celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, who says he has personally made out with the singer.

Elaborating further, Perez Hilton claims that Jessica Simpson â€" John Mayer's girlfriend at the time of the supposed hookup â€" didn't mind.

"While John Mayer and I are making out, she is rubbing his crotch," Hilton recalled to Seacrest, who seemed a bit thrown off by the discussion.

Mayer's rep tells Us Weekly in response to Hilton's story, "This is all so ridiculous," while Simpson's rep had no comment.

Hilton insisted, "It's 100 percent true."

Thanks to People magazine for this great compilation of celebrity quotes. This is what some of our favorite celebs had to say this week ...

"I love Africa in general. South Africa and West Africa. They are both great countries."
- Paris Hilton

"This is, quite simply, untrue."
- John Mayer, responding to a New York Post gossip item that said he's "been know to respond to online rumors," on his blog

"There's lot of motion in the ocean. It's almost like riding a wave. I have to be the glass and [Karina Smirnoff] is the water."
- Dancing With the Stars contestant Mario, on his moves

"They had to tell people to calm down."
- Joe Jonas, on the boisterous response to the Jonas Brothers' Dancing with the Stars performance this week

"I need a rebondir."
- Lauren Conrad, admitting that she'd like to meet a "rebound" in Paris to help her forget Brody Jenner, on The Hills premiere, "Paris Changes Everything."

"I flipped a couple haters at Benihana just last night."
- Spencer Pratt, dispensing wisdom in his Radar advice column

"Say what?"
- Mariah Carey, asked if she is a fan of The Hills on the live after-show

"I'm just like them. I just happen to be a little more famous."
- Kentucky native George Clooney, on his fellow Kentuckians

"We make web videos for Jesus."
- Miley Cyrus

Now that Miley Cyrus has broken up with Nick Jonas, might she be moving on to an older man?

We're just kidding. While John Mayer might be a loser of a cheese ball, the singer isn't a pedaphile. He's just a fan.

That's why Mayer is seen here, posing backstage with 15-year-old Cyrus at the "Hannah Montana: Best of Both Worlds" Tour on Saturday during her Las Vegas stop.

Sadly, John Mayer didn't speak out about Jessica Simpson nude when he was tapping that singer.

But the cheesy singer is now coming to the defense of his ex-girlfriend, who idiotic Cowboys fans are blaming for their team's demise in the playoffs this season. They've dubbed her affect on Tony Romo as the "Jessica Jinx."

"I don't really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I'm betting emotions are running high right about now," Mayer wrote on his blog.

He also asked that celebrity gossip followers look past their usual points of criticism for a change.

"All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know," Mayer continued. "It's one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don't try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn't be able to, but it's less work for all involved.)"

Jessica's other defining traits are her two giant boobs. We're just sayin.

Seriously, celebrity gossip fans. Up top!

In one of the best news stories of the year thus far, John Mayer and Minka Kelly have quietly called it quits, according to People magazine.

The large-headed, lame-ass musician, 30, and the 27-year-old Friday Night Lights star split over a month ago, but are "still friends."

They were last seen together in December, when Minka Kelly showed support for Mayer at his December concert in L.A. and accompanied him to the after-party at Parc. The two were also spotted having breakfast in L.A.

Since she broke up with John Mayer, we can run a pic of just Minka Kelly.

According to a pal of Kelly's, "Minka told a couple friends that she and John Mayer had broken up but she really didn't want to tell anyone."

The couple became involved in October, dining together several times in Austin, Texas, and again later that month in California. They also met up with Chris Ivery and Ellen Pompeo at a Knicks game in New York in November.

The split, however, may not last for long. When Mayer was boning Jessica Simpson, they broke up and reunited numerous times. You never know.

Jinka? Jelly? Just plain gross? Call them whatever you want, it is becoming more and more evident that John Mayer and Minka Kelly are still together. Which is deeply troubling to the staff of The Hollywood Gossip dot com.

The only thing that could be worse, really, would be if Carrie Underwood and Leighton Meester decided they would double-team Spencer Pratt. Which Heidi Montag would probably be cool with as long as she could get paid to watch.

Anyway, John Mayer and Minka Kelly set their sights on grabbing breakfast and very possibly each other on Saturday at Mogan's Café in Pacific Palisades, Calif. Earlier in the weekend, they were spotted together at The Sunset Marquis.

John Mayer and Minka Kelly continue to nauseate us. Well, at least he does.

While the lovely Minka may be somewhat tainted in our minds as long as she is in John Mayer's clutches, all is not lost in the Friday Night Lights universe. We still have Adrianne Palicki naked to gaze at. We recommend you take a look.