John Mayer Will Not Be Teaching You Guitar
He's sweet.
He's sensitive.
He has a sense of humor.
He watches lots of porn.
Yes, the enigmatic John Mayer is many things. What he's not, apparently, is a guitar instructor. New York Magazine reports that mysterious flyers have popped up all over a Brooklyn, N.Y., neighborhood of Park Slope proclaiming "JOHN MAYER WILL TEACH YOU GUITAR!" The flyers include a working phone number that actually rings to his voicemail.
His representative has confirmed the existence of the flyers, but admits it is just a snarky guerilla marketing gag cooked up by the singer and his management team. They devised it to poke fun at local flyers in the city and generate buzz about new album, Continuum.
Which is too bad, because Jessica Simpson reportedly picked up the phone in an attempt to learn some guitar licks. Not really. We just made that wise crack because of previous (false) reports that the pair were dating. Maybe instead of guitar lessons, John can teach us how to look and act like a total dork. Just a thought.
In Rolling Stone, John Mayer Talks Porn, Drugs - and NOT Jessica Simpson
There's no relationship with Jessica Simpson.
That may be the first thing John Mayer wishes to pass along in an interview. But it certainly isn't the last. In a great interview with Rolling Stone, the quiet crooner reveals a sex and drug-riffic side of him not many knew existed.
On porn:
"I bought myself a Playgirl once. I just loved the feeling that there was a porno you really, really weren't supposed to have ⦠Not to say I wouldn't enjoy the energy of watching a guy and girl have sex. I think I'd vomit out of pure arousal. Have you ever seen a guy and girl have sex in person?"
On press interviews:
"I'm at a point right now where the more I talk, the more I'm going to say something in the next twelve months that's going to damage my career."
On Brangelina:
"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a bl-w j-b, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left â" just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, âYou greedy motherf-cker, I've got nothing for you.'"
(Gossip note: We never thought of it that way. At all.)
On being on tour:
"I slept with, like, three girls a week."
On his private parts:
"I'm not worried about how small my penis is â" I'm worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks."
On the media:
"Everybody right now in the world of entertainment is a p-ssy. A p-ssy. They're all so sensitive. What the f-ck happened?"
We don't know how to response to any of this. So we're just gonna comment on this Jessica Biel picture instead. Her body is a wonderland.
Celebrity Look-Alikes, Vol. 9
Ah, yes, how we love Celebrity Look-Alikes. Most recently, we brought you a couple of dead-ringers, along with two attractive young women who, in actuality, have next to nothing common except for one feature (at least it's a hot one). And who can forget, before that, the practically indistinguishable Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein, kindred spirits at heart and in appearance. How can we possibly compete with that masterpiece?
It's impossible. But we did some outside-the-box (and reality) thinking last night and came up with this pair of oddball characters. Here's supposed serious musician and supposed Jessica Simpson boyfriend, John Mayer, and Edward Scissorhands! What a couple of freaks!!
NOTE: We are aware that Mr. Scissorhands is not real, and is in fact a movie character played by a young Johnny Depp. So don't bother e-mailing or calling us about this.
These are a Few of John Mayer's Favorite Things
If John Mayer is actually dating Jessica Simpson, he can expect to be in the spotlight more than ever. With that in mind, we figure the invasion of this singer's privacy might as well begin!
What better place to start than in Mayer's dressing room? This is an artist's mecca, as proven by Madonna and her request for new, clean toilet seats every night.
So, what does the man who considers the body of Jennifer Love Hewitt to be a wonderland have inside his private area? The Smoking Gun lists a few requests he makes for every show:
- One loaf of organic rye bread
- One copy of NY Times
- Four soft head toothbrushes (yes, four)
- One box of cereal, chosen from among Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, Cookie Crisp, Count Chocula
- Two tubes of original crazy glue
Ok, so the man likes organic food, staying current on the news, maintaining fresh breath and keeping in touch with his child's sweet tooth ... but crazy glue?!?
We don't even wanna know what Mayer plans on doing with that and Jessica Simpson.
Or do we ...
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer, Sitting in a Tree ...
So much for a mysery man for Jessica Simpson.
According to People magazine, the singer and really bad occasional actress has found her first post-Nick Lachey boy toy: John Mayer.
"She's tiptoeing back into the dating world," a source told the magazine. "It's the first stage. She's never been happier."
Just once, wouldn't you love to hear that a celebrity is dating again - but they actually have been happier in the past? No? Maybe that's just The Gossip.
Mayer, 28, began a co-headlining tour with Sheryl Crow on Aug. 24. Simpson is expected to attend his concert in Jones Beach, N.Y., on Wednesday night. That's like a school night sleepover! This is getting serious.
Depite a bruised vocal chord, Jessica is currently in New York promoting her new album, "A Public Affair." It was released Tuesday.
Oddly enough - or perhaps, completely logically enough - Mayer had to cancel his Hartford, CT., appearance with Crow on Saturday due to laryngitis. Could that be due to these lovebirds playing some intense rounds of tonsil hockey?
It could be worse, guys. You could've gotten an STD from Paris Hilton.
