by Free Britney at . Comments

Yes, you read that right. Forget Matthew McConaughey, George Clooney and their annual battle for Sexiest Man Alive honors. This battle is for the complete opposite (dis)honor.

This list, compiled by the amazing Boston Phoenix, is chock full of irritating smirks, bad haircuts, possible murders and some seriously ugly mugs. Yup, the Phoenix list of The 100 Unsexiest Men Alive has it all, and we've got the highlights...

Stupid Speidi

100. Tom Cruise. The heat that Tom Cruise emitted early in his career has long evaporated, leaving only a smirking corpse in its wake. Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappy version of Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator, but comes off creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and wed enslave hot actresses.

92. Osama bin Laden. Here's a man that could use a makeover. Note to Osama: camouflage jackets have been out since the millennium. Sure, there's not a surplus of hip outlets â€" or even dry cleaners â€" in the caves of Afghanistan. But come on.

87. Joe Simpson. The former Baptist minister relentlessly pimps his daughters (Ashlee and what's-her-name) to MTV, John Mayer and Pete Wentz, then makes ourskin crawl by ogling his offspring's endowments. Gnarly.

79. Joe Francis. Skeezy creator of Girls Gone Wild stuck it to Paris Hilton and Tara Reid. If doing that disease-ridden duo wasn't enough to warrant his place on this list, he's headed to jail on contempt-of-court charges.

56. Kim Jong-Il. Besides an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise, the deranged North Korean demigod is a porn connoisseur, binge drinker and womanizer. Oh, and a mass murderer with nukes.

45. The Duke Lacrosse Team
. You go to Duke. You play lacrosse. Yet your social life is so barren that you've got to rent a couple of cut-rate strippers? You dudes are guilty... of having no game whatsoever.

35. Kevin Federline. Would've placed even higher had Britney Spears not gone off the deep end and made FedEx look relatively stable by comparison.

33. Spencer Pratt. This obnoxious star of the MTV "documentary" series The Hills (left) has greasy hair, a veiny neck and forehead, circa 1994 gold chains and a cast-iron jaw. Yet he still manages to get Playboy playmates' numbers (while straight up playing Heidi Montag and making Lauren Conrad's life a living hell). Spencer Pratt, we loathe thee.

30. Howie Mandel. Few things are less sexy than obsessive-compulsive disorder and fear of touching others. That spells bad news for the freaky host of Deal or No Deal. No deal, Howie Mandel. No deal.

28. Dustin Diamond. Deviant, cretinous former child star who scammed his fans by selling shirts to help him avoid foreclosure â€" there were no such proceedings against him. Then there was the Dustin Diamond sex tape in which Screech gave two skanks the Dirty Sanchez.

27. Mr. Blackwell. His relevance is on life-support, but he nonetheless makes the news every year with his embarrassing list of the best- and worst-dressed celebrity fashion offenders.

25. O.J. Simpson. We're not even gonna go there.

23. Pete Doherty. "Heroin chic" is predicated on being able to do lots and lots of drugs without looking like a skid-row pin cushion. Somehow Pete Doherty (below) didn't get the memo. By association, he made coked-up gal-pal Kate Moss unsexy, too, for which men the world over will curse him forever.

20. Jared Fogle. Ubiquity and over-exposure has turned a merely annoying ex-fatty Subway pitchman into a serious pain in the ass.

18. Mel Gibson. Hateful director with massive alcohol problem.

11. Perez Hilton. Exponentially overhyped celebrity gossip blogger whose sense of entitlement far outweighs his contribution to society. Oh yeah, Perez Hilton is also gross.

7. Sanjaya Malakar. The class clown of American Idol is operating under the delusion that he's the class stud. Shyamali Malakar, on the other hand...

6. Don Imus. Long before Don Imus (below, left) got the ax for calling the Rutgers womens' basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hos," this talk-show troll established himself as one of the ugliest faces in an industry that prizes them.

3. Howard K. Stern. We understood the zillion-year-old billionaire: Anna Nicole Smith would sleep with anything for money. But her dalliance with this glassy-eyed salamander of a man (above, right) forced Americans to lower her standards: she'd screw anything with... kidneys? At least she was smart enough not to have a baby with him.

1. Donald Trump. It's not the greed, the preposterous comb-over, or the public bullying that turns us off any more: it's the pursed lips and the scrunched stare. Actually, scratch that: it's still the hair, the greed, and the bullying.

by Mischalova at . Comments

How do you know when you're having a bad week? When memories of Paris Hilton nude are actually comforting compared to your current situation.

We're guessing that's how Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis is feeling today, after he was indicted on federal tax evasion charges for illegally deducting over $20 million in phony receipts from previous tax returns.

Joe Francis, Random Girl

As first reported by thesmokinggun.com, court documents say Francis transferred millions of dollars from an offshore bank account to a U.S. brokerage account. If found guilty, Francis could face 10 years in prison, $500,000 in fines and probably never have the chance to capitalize on Antonella Barba.

On Tuesday, Francis was arrested at a Florida airport on an unrelated charge. A judge cited him for contempt of court after settlement talks soured with seven women who accused him of victimizing them by filming them in sexual situations while they were underage and on spring break in Panama City.

If he does end up in jail, at least Joe can fantasize about the time he bedded Kim Kardashian.

Then again, with her sex tape on the market, most guys can probably share most of that fantasy these days.

by Mischalova at . Comments

If Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis wants to be like Jason Wahler, he has a lot of work to do.

Francis may have made like the star of MTV's The Hills by being arrested Tuesday in Florida, but it wasn't for anything as cool or tough as assault and criminal trespassing.

Joseph Francis Pic

Instead, the U.S. Marshal's Office in Panama City, Fla., booked Francis at 6:30 a.m. at the Panama City airport on a warrant seeking his arrest for criminal contempt of court. For someone who has slept with Kim Kardashian, that's pretty boring.

Currently, the man that made an offer to Antonella Barba for gobs of money is being held at the Bay County jail.

Although Francis' attorneys apparently released a statement saying the Girls Gone Wild head honcho was on his way to voluntarily turn himself in, the arrest was carried out by airport police who recognized him before he could present himself to the Marshal's Office.

A judge ordered Francis's arrest last week after Francis reportedly changed the terms of a settlement deal stemming from a 2003 lawsuit in which seven women accused him of victimizing them by filming their enormous boobs while they were on spring break in Panama City.

Francis was ordered by U.S. District Judge Richard Smoak to surrender to authorities in Panama City by noon Thursday to begin serving jail time for contempt of court, the city's News Herald reported. However, sources told People magazine that Francis missed the deadline.

Perhaps he was busy cleansing himself from the memories of Tara Reid nude.

by Mischalova at . Comments

This headline is as shocking as "Drunk Sienna Miller Defends Britney, Lindsay," we know.

Even though Kim Kardashian did not ask anyone on The Hollywood Gossip staff for career advice, though, we're gonna offer the sex fiend some:

Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian
  • When you're trying to deny any participation in the release of a sex tape, it might be best to stay away from a guy who makes a living ... filming naked girls on tape.

Yes, that's Joe Francis with Kardashian.

They're posing at the Girls Gone Wild clothing line launch party.

And we probably don't have to mention the fact that pictures of him holding Paris Hilton's boobs were recently posted online. Or that Kim and Paris are best friends.

Or that you can draw your own conclusions from there.

As you do, make sure you include Lindsay Lohan in any scenario you envision because Francis is rumored to be dating the firecrotch queen.

Ray J, hurry up and get your camera!

by Mischalova at . Comments

When Joe Francis and Howard Stern get together, you should probably put the women and children to bed before turning up the radio.

During their most recent conversation, however, it was Tara Reid who probably wishes she weren't listening.

Tara Reid Image

Stern asked Francis about the numerous celebrity babes he's bedded and Reid came in last - and not just in the category of worst boob job, for once. She was also accused of "pretty much" just lying there under the sheets. Ouch.

While the Girls Gone Wild creator didn't elaborate much on what Lindsay Lohan was like in the sack - apprently we can ask Brody Jenner now, though - he was clear on who was the best ... at everything.

It pains us to quote Francis on this, but he said: "[Paris Hilton] is the best ... Paris is amazing in bed ... better than anyone."

That's some high praise. Based on lewd pictures, though, we bet Katie Rees would have something to say about that. And it would be hot.

by Free Britney at . Comments

The story floating around the Internet this week might make a person feel bad for Paris Hilton, but that implies two things:

  • You would ever feel bad for that waste Paris Hilton.
  • This is not a complete load of crap.

The horrible heiress claims that because she forgot to pay a $208 fee to a storage facility, the company sold her belongings. Which just happened to include sex tapes, nude pics showing hard core girl on girl action, personal diaries, etc.

Cy Waits and Paris Hilton

Now this would be a crazy invasion of privacy, but you can't really believe Stavros Niarchos' girlfriend isn't 100 percent behind it. Consider the following points:

  1. Multimillionaires with mansions do not need storage facilities.
  2. Even if they did, Paris wouldn't store her f*%king diary and pictures in it.
  3. Her only claim to fame is being a slut, therefore the release of new sex videos and raunchy, possibly nude pics at this time is a logical progression.

Case closed. This is no different from the original Paris Hilton sex tape, 1 Night in Paris, which she was "not behind" but still made money off of. Skank.

Anyway, here's a picture of Paris Hilton's breasts on a boat with Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild. There's a match made in heaven right there. As for Paris Hilton's pussy, we haven't seen that piece - but there's no doubt it's in one of the videos "stolen" from her.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Lindsay Lohan is a girl almost always going wild.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise that the man rumored to be getting an up close and personal view of the world's most famous firecrotch is Joe Francis.

Broke and Likely Drunk

He's the creator of Girls Gone Wild.

According to The New York Post, Francis was actually by Lindsay's side during her appendectomy and hit up the Golden Globe party circuit with her last night.

This should be one development Jack Bauer is not surprised at.

The pairing of Lohan and Francis seems almost too perfect, with the latter a boob connossieur and the former a major boob.

We can't wait until this new couple hits the town with Britney Spears and Isaac Cohen.

Joe Francis Biography

Joe Francis Mug Shot Girls Gone Wild creator likes to see girls going wild. Now, though, Joe Francis is stuck in jail and going wild in the bad sense. More »
Full Name
Joe Francis

Joe Francis Quotes

It is incomprehensible that Ms. Dupré could claim she did not give her consent to be filmed by Girls Gone Wild, when in fact we have videotape of her giving consent, while showing her identification.

Joe Francis [on Ashley Dupre lawsuit]

Shayne has a genuine ‘girl next door’ quality. But she also happens to be very hot.

Joe Francis [on Shayne Lamas]
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