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Last night on The Hills, Spencer Pratt was under the gun.

Almost literally.

Heidi Montag’s father Bill, not to be confused with her stepdad, who married her mom Darlene, is a legit cowboy, and he threatened to kill Heidi's beau more than one time during his visit to California. Always fun to watch Spencer squirm.

Eventually, though, he and Spencer got along pretty well. Heck, Bill Montag even sort of gave Spencer props for starting that bar brawl over Heidi.

The two walked along the beach discussing Spencer’s intentions, which Pratt admitted were to live happily ever after with Heidi Montag. Bill agreed to give Spencer his blessing, but warned, “You would be the loser if you lost Heidi.”

Blessing - and engagement ring - in hand, Spencer took Heidi up in the Ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier to ask her to marry him for real this time.

Heidi balked, saying there were many things in the way of that happening - Spencer has to apologize to Darlene, and to Lauren Conrad, and agree to a traditional, “princess wedding,” which The Hills villain had steadfastly opposed before.

He swore "I know the rules" and was ready to do all of that and more. Then he whipped out a giant diamond, and all Heidi's worries melted away.

Meanwhile, Audrina Patridge reunited with the White Tie Affair on the set of their music video shoot set and Stephanie Pratt, who previously hit it off with the guitarist of that rock ensemble, rolled up smelling of desperation and stupidity.

Steph and Audzo met up with the singer and the guitarist for drinks, and the boys immediately started making advances. The guitarist, who obviously does not meet enough girls, started inquiring about Stephanie's relationship status.

When she asked about his love life, he tried the “whatever happens on the road” bit, but said he has "something solid at home." I.e., living with him.

Despite how pathetic and annoying she is at all times, Stephanie didn't go the groupie route, later whining to Audrina about it. Meanwhile, Lauren Conrad was at dinner with Brody Jenner lamenting how she had to fire her lazy ass the following day.

LC did so bluntly (after Stephanie arrived late, natch). Stephanie Pratt cried. Lauren offered to help Steph find another job. Steph cried some more.

“Is this like being fired even though I’m just interning?” Stephanie asked, plaintively, as she packed her things and left People's Revolution forever.

What a moron.

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Always there when you need a quote about Hills-related (or unrelated) stories, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they're thrilled that Kristin Cavallari will be replacing Lauren Conrad on the MTV reality series that made them stars.

"I love Kristin. She introduced us," Heidi said at Maxim's 10th Annual Hot 100 party. "We wouldn't be together without Kristin, and she's one of my favorite people."

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Celebrate

The new season, Heidi said, will be "ten times better!"

As we reported earlier, Kristin Cavallari’s first appearance will be on the May 31 finale, where she catches the bouquet at Heidi and Spencer's wedding.

Spencer thinks she will "bring some edge" that LC didn't have: "Lauren didn't date a guy for three years. Kristin's going to date three guys every day!"

Now that Cavallari is joining the cast of his self-described favorite show, Spencer adds that he "would stay on The Hills for twenty seasons!"

NEW CENTER OF ATTENTION: Kristin Cavallari will find herself in the familiar position when she takes Lauren Conrad's place as the leading lady of MTV's The Hills.

His sister, Stephanie Pratt, isn't so convinced.

"I'm terrified!" she said, half-seriously. "She's no Lauren Conrad. And she loves drama and catfights. I saw her on Laguna Beach. I'm freaking out."

Audrina Patridge said bringing Cavallari on board is "great."

"It'll add a little spice to The Hills," she said. "I don't really know her that well. I hung out with her a couple times, and she seems like a pretty cool girl."

Still, it'll be different without Lauren Conrad.

"I'm so used to talking with Lauren and filming with her all the time," said Audrina, who will remain a focal point like she was on Monday's episode of The Hills. "I still talk to her off camera, but it's weird not being able to film with her."

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Last night on The Hills, the tables were finally turned on Justin-Bobby.

Audrina Patridge's moronic on-off boyfriend was apparently pretty steamed when he heard about her hookup with Brody Jenner in Hawaii, and was calling her 24/7.

When Audzo finally agreed to see the scraggly-ass loser, she was unapologetic for her actions and totally blew him off. Hurts to be on the receiving end, eh, J-Bob?

“We’re at a dead end right now and need to go our separate ways," she said, adding that they were never exclusive. "We can't be friends. It doesn’t work. I came to say goodbye face-to-face. Don’t call. Don’t text. It’s over.” Iced!

Audrina abruptly left the restaurant, and Justin-Bobby, showing more genuine concern in this one scene than he has in the previous two years, chased after her.

Is Audrina Patridge finally done with Justin-Bobby?

“If I spent the night in Lauren’s room, you would freak out,” Justin-Bobby said, clearly worked up about her and Brody. While true, this comment left her unmoved.

Good riddance.

At People's Revolution, Stephanie Pratt was basically ignoring her job and blabbing on and on and on to Lauren Conrad about this hunky DJ she had just met. Lauren hinted subtly, then not subtly, that she needed to focus on work.

Alas, Stephanie Pratt has an IQ of 20.

LC was pulling clothes for an important photo shoot at Smashbox (where Lo of all people recently got a job). She had to run to the shoot and left Steph to finish packing the clothes and inputting the order into the computer.

But Steph’s mind - what little there is of it - was elsewhere. Shockingly, when LC arrived at the big photo shoot, all of the necessary clothes did not.

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On last night's episode of The Hills, the crew returned from vacation and the aftershocks from Brody and Audrina’s Hawaiian hookup were felt throughout SoCal.

In short, Jayde Nicole went ballistic, and may be slightly insane.

Lauren Conrad warned Audrina Patridge early on that Brody Jenner admitted his mistake to his girlfriend, and that a jealous Jayde was far from pleased.

When Jayde found out Audrina was en route to Frankie's Delgado's barbecue, she grew pissed and her Playmate friends started talk of a girl fight.

Brody told her to relax and apologized again, and Frankie tried to cover for him, saying they just fell asleep, but Jayde wasn't buying it - and Audrina's apparent blowing of a kiss in Brody's direction just made things worse.

That led to the first of two Jayde Nicole-Audrina Patridge showdowns.

Audrina claimed she “would never go there” and they just "stayed up talking" that night. But Jayde snapped, “If you sleep in my boyfriend’s bed, something happened,” and proceeded to pound Jägermeister straight from the bottle.

The following night, things got even worse when Stephanie and Audrina hit up the hot club MyHouse even though they knew Jayde would be there with Brody.

Brody told his drunk girlfriend he wouldn’t tell Audrina to leave because they’re friends. “Not anymore,” replied the jealous, slurring Jayde Nicole. Oh, snap.

The Playboy bunny then told her posse of girlfriends - “playmates who bring the drama” - that Brody was just asking for them to get riled up. They obliged.

Jayde's pal Jo got all up in Audrina’s grill. Frankie tried to step in, but Jayde was fuming, calling her names, downing more Jäger and threatening to punch her.

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When Lauren Conrad hit the Paley Fest red carpet with cast mates Brody Jenner, Audrina Patridge, Whitney Port, Lo Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt (sadly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were no-shows), a wide range of Hills gossip followed.

Spencer's sister told the crowd that the couple, whose weekend wedding is being filmed as the show's season finale, were in the "studio, making hit music."

Stephanie also dished on being a Speidi bridesmaid:

"I've never been to a wedding before. I know that [Holly Montag] is in it. I'm hoping that she is Maid of Honor because I will screw everything up."

Of the gruesome twosome's pre-wedding festivities, Stephanie Pratt said, "I don't think Spencer is allowed to have a bachelor party. Holly and I are throwing around the idea of a bridal shower before. I just hope no one objects [at the wedding]."

The conversation soon turned to - you guessed it! - the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors that infamously dominated a full season of the reality show.

When asked if she still believes that it was Spencer Pratt who spread the rumor that she and Jason Wahler made a sex tape, Lauren said, "We have it on tape that he [Spencer] takes responsibility for it. Sorry. Spoiler alert!"

Wow, now that's a Hills spoiler we never saw coming! Follow the jump for loads more spoilers and pictures of the cast at Paley fest ...

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Lauren Conrad may be leaving The Hills, but as sad as that will be, her best friend forever Lo Bosworth does think the show can go on without her.

In fact, Lo thinks Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, or collectively Speidi, could probably replace the leading lady as the "reality" series' main act.

"They get great press on their own, so there's always the possibility that the show can do really well with them as main parts," Lo Bosworth told E! Online at the IS vodka-sponsored opening of new Hollywood nightspot Halo.

Lo has officially joined Team Speidi! Sort of.

Lo thinks, however, that the current season five, which debuted last Monday on MTV, may not end ALL Lauren Conrad appearances on The Hills.

"[Lauren] hasn't filmed in weeks and she's really excited about that," Lo said. "I think she'll come back for special occasions and stuff."

"But we just don't know how many episodes she'll return for or if there will be another season. It's really just all up in the air," she added.

In truth, Speidi may already be the headlining act on The Hills. His laying the smack down on Cameron was the highlight of the season premiere, and as we reported, a Spencer and Heidi wedding is supposedly planned for the finale.

Oh, and Spencer already Twittered his approval of Lo's comments, in case you were wondering. He also posted a link to a teaser for Heidi's new music video:

Awesome ... easily a 9.5 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale. If you're a real glutton for punishment, follow the jump to hear the full "song" ...

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Last night's season premiere of The Hills kicked off with a bang - sort of literally in the case of Stephanie Pratt's ex-boyfriend, who pushed Spencer too far.

The Hollywood Gossip's recap will consist of awarding and deducting points as we see fit. Season Five began at Lauren Conrad's birthday party on a yacht, and Stephanie convincing Heidi she could come too, despite not being invited and stuff.

Heidi Montag with No Makeup!

On to the rankings! Chime in with your own!

Audrina didn’t invite Justin-Bobby or Heidi to a surprise party for Lauren Conrad because she wanted to avoid drama. Plus 4 for being the rare voice of reason!

Minus 5 for Heidi being the worst liar ever and pathetically non-confrontational when telling Spencer her plans. But Plus 2 for his calling LC the "queen beeyotch" and describing his guys' night with just a techno beat - "nnts nnts nnts."

Minus 10 for instigator Stephanie Pratt's dishonesty and uselessness. Heidi did have reservations about coming, yet Steph lies and says it was all her idea. Weak sauce.

Spencer flirts with bartender Stacie at The Dime. He gets drunk and acts like a major tool, but this is completely in character and he does not care. Plus 6.

Stephanie's ex, Cameron, is present to witness Spencer's banter with Stacie, and texts Stephanie, who warns Heidi. We don't care if it's Spencer Pratt - what a d!ck move and blatant violation of the bro code, How I Met Your Mother style. Minus 7.

At the party, LC talked to Heidi, who rationalized that fighting is what boys do. Plus 4, because that is kind of totally true, and Plus 2 more for Lauren calling Spencer an a$$hole to her face, after which Heidi apologized for causing drama.

Spencer decided he was gonna go all Chris Brown on Cameron, and made good on that boast. Quite uncalled for, but Plus 5, because he landed like six good punches before getting thrown out, which is impressive, and the dude sort of had it coming.

Lauren to Heidi: “You were my best friend but you started dating this person who did really mean things to me. I don’t like him but I still love you.” Sniff. Plus 3.

Minus 2 for Stacie throwing Spencer under the bus when Heidi came around, then doing the same with the circumstances reversed! Shrewd, but a bit duplicitous.

Side note: Anyone know who makes the lipstick LC was wearing? We weren't huge fans of the color, but it held up throughout the weekly deluge of tears. Plus 5.

Heidi's mom, Darlene, really hates Spencer Pratt - and offers to set Heidi up with a high school ex named Colby! A noble thought, but Minus 4, because no way Colby even recognizes the silicone, duck-lipped Barbie doll Heidi has become.

Obligatory Brody Jenner sightings and dueling heart-to-hearts! Plus 4.

Lauren to Steph: “I think it was inappropriate for her to be there and if you were really my friend you would have been like, ‘Hey don’t go.’ You have to stop pushing [her] on me. It’s not fair.” A tough overdramatic, LC, but kind of true. Even.

TOTAL: +7! Not a bad season premiere for The Hills. Comment away!

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Heidi Montag isn't exactly shedding too many tears as Lauren Conrad prepares for her swan song fifth and final season of The Hills, premiering tonight.

"We don't need her," she said. "We'll miss her. I just don't know if we need her."

The duck-lipped bimbo says she "wasn't surprised" that her former BFF is leaving the show that has made her a household name in the past few years.

"I know she hasn't been wanting to be doing this for a while, and [the life she really leads] is not on camera," Heidi Montag says. "So I think it's an appropriate closing chapter for her. I'm sure she'll have fun and success."

"She's gotta leave the drama to the pros!" adds Montag of The Hills (follow the link to check out some sneak previews from tonight). "I definitely don't want to go anywhere anytime soon. That's my home and I'm so grateful to be on it."

Meanwhile, Montag is at work on her debut album, which she hopes to release by the end of the summer. But don't expect Lady Gaga to make an appearance, as Spencer is quick to call the rising pop-dance diva "overrated."

"I can't get over that she is a huge pop icon of the world," Spencer Pratt said Friday on Atlanta's Q100. "People are acting like she's the new Britney Spears."

"I don't know why this girl gets so much attention and press. I guess if you dress like a fool and have crazy, ridiculous haircuts, people start paying attention."

Asked to name five artists Heidi Montag is more talented than, Spencer Pratt said, "Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Beyonce and Christina Aguilera."

"I wouldn't even compare them to Heidi's level," he went on. "I am in the studio everyday with Heidi I know what's coming. I can make claims like that."

We could make some pretty undisputed claims about Speidi right now, but it's all been said before. In honor of tonight's season premiere at 10 p.m., click to enlarge more pictures of the plastic pair and the rest of The Hills stars below:

Follow the jump for many more photos!

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The Hills are alive for season five - and while the MTV quasi-reality show has been on a long break, the SoCal drama we know and love looks like it's continued.

Case in point: The much-hyped Heidi Montag-Lauren Conrad "reunion."

The former BFFs-turned-foes had apparently sort of patched things up and started texting and talking again, leading Heidi to think that she'd be getting an invite to Lauren's birthday party (which took place in February).

But things never go as planned - we are talking about Speidi here. Apparently Heidi didn't get asked to come, as Stephanie Pratt gives her the 4-1-1 ...

Follow the jump for two more clips from tonight's The Hills - in the first, Lauren Conrad tells Stephanie her problem with being friends with Heidi (Spencer), and in the second, Heidi and Steph plot to hang with LC behind his back ...

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With all the speculation circulating after The Hills Season 5 trailer seems to hit at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt splitting up, the gruesome twosome decided to call Ryan Seacrest's radio show on Friday to set the record straight.

Well, by setting the record straight, what we really mean is giving vague, vomit inducing, self-promoting answers. We're talking about Speidi here.

"Rumors, rumors," said the smarmy celeb gossip Svengali known as Spencer Pratt. "Breaking up? I could never do without the love of my life."

As for reports that they're planning a public "break up" via a four-part magazine story netting them $200,000 - a la their staged their Cabo "wedding"?

"Wow, can you get that deal for us?" asked Heidi. "That would be great."

"So you are breaking up," responded Ryan Seacrest.

"No," insisted Heidi Montag, before dropping a little Hills spolier-plug: "I mean, you'll have to tune in Monday to see we are having some difficulties."

Weak.

It's Speidi's world. We just live in and write about it.

The plastic pair's so-called "difficulties" this season apparently stem from him hitting on a bartender and, according to Heidi Montag (as if she isn't 100 percent aware of it), "God only knows what else he's been doing."

"So did you hook up with the bartender?" asked Ryan.

"You'll have to tune in on Monday night," replied Spencer Pratt, to which Ryan Seacrest could old offer up a short, simple reply that sums up our feelings toward this article, as well as toward Speidi as a whole these days:

"That answer bores me."

Amen. At least her April Fool's Day pregnancy Twitter announcement was kind of interesting and creative. Click to enlarge more recent Speidi pics below ...

  • Gooooooal!
  • Speidi Sucking
  • Yay Perez!
  • Speidi Sighting!