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The second episode of The Hills' final season focused on nasty rumors and the b!tch who started them. Yes, we know that applies to pretty much every episode.

Lauren Conrad's non-sex tape and Speidi's involvement in spreading that story took up multiple seasons. Is Kristin Cavallari's "drug problem" the new version?

Last night's episode, "Rumor Has It," found her singling out Stephanie as the rumor culprit. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

Kristin on Stephanie Pratt and why she'd start rumors: "Because she's crazy, she's a pathological liar, she has nothing going on in her life." All true. Plus 15.

Stacie the Bartender is still around. Does Kristin not have any girlfriends the network didn't create for her? Is Stacie the Bartender her full name? Minus 4.

Brody Jenner: "[Steph] made up these rumors because she is a crazy person. With her past drug addiction, maybe she's mirroring herself." Deep. Plus 7.

Cocaine. It's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Stephanie and Lo read about Kristin's drug use from gossip tabloids and thus think "she is definitely doing drugs," which is hilarious on many levels. Minus 3.

Kristin throws a party to "get to the bottom of this." Or because MTV told her too. Plus 2, because amazingly, the whole cast will be there, including Speidi!

Minus 9 for the lines fed to Brody about Ryan Cabrera and the fake conflict over Audrina. Metrosexual cracks are cliched, and why the eff would Brody care?

LOL, Ryan does look kind of d-bag-ish, however, so Plus 3.

Heidi Montag is, like, excited to debut her new body. Her fam didn't love her new look, but friends think she looks great. Psst ... they're getting paid. Plus 7.

What is Lo even doing on the show at this point? Minus 4.

Stephanie starts to make small talk with Spencer Pratt, but gets so choked up and starts to cry. Spencer berates her. How awesomely dysfunctional. Plus 5.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Dismayed by family issues, Spencer is carrying around crystals to channel his anger and bring life "peace and balance." What a ridiculous human being. Plus 12.

Kristin says she really doesn't want to be friends with Stephanie because she just likes to create drama. That and 100 other reasons make sense to us. Plus 3.

Nice to see Charlie adopting the Justin-Bobby look. Minus 6.

What's more fake, any dialogue featuring Stephanie and Kristin or Heidi Montag's ginormous, hilarious fake boobs? No points, just throwing that out there.

TOTAL: +30. SEASON: +40. This was The Hills at its best and worst, all at the same time. So much contrived, but entertaining nonsense to go around.

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

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Drugs. Feuds. Violent outbursts. Unnecessary plastic surgery.

This week's Us Weekly features an expose on how three lives - Kristin Cavallari, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag - have been ruined by MTV's The Hills.

The report coincides with The Hills season premiere this week, and amid reports that Heidi is forging a dangerous addiction to painkillers post-surgeries.

"She's a shell of her former self," a show insider said of Montag, whose rep responded to the claims, saying of the story: "This is completely ridiculous."

But is it, though? With allegations of Kristin's drug problem and Audrina wasting away to nothing before our eyes, are these girls all totally lost causes?

And is the reality (term used loosely) show to blame?

Audrina, Heidi and Kristin Cover

Grouping Kristin and Audrina in with Heidi may be a stretch.

"They are addicted to the fame," the source says. "As The Hills winds down and people start to care less, they are desperate to get back that high."

Indeed, Heidi Montag and her husband, Spencer Pratt, have developed increasingly weird behavior. While their 2008 elopement to Mexico was done with their knowing winks, they're recently "crossed over to this bizarre place."

Case in point: The 10 plastic surgery procedures she had in one day last November "because she knew it would be a huge story," an insider says.

Laments pal Jason Wahler, "I knew her when she was normal."

THG NOTE: When Jason Wahler is commenting on how he knew you back when you were normal, you know you have serious, serious problems.

Pals say they've always had a thirst for fame - especially Spencer, who reportedly went after Audrina before pursuing Heidi to get on the show.

Now Montag will never be the same. Says a source who knew Heidi, "She was spellbound. If it weren't for him, she'd be a mom in the suburbs."

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If you love The Hills, last night's premiere (Season 6, Episode 1) was a doozy. If you're so over The Hills by now, this episode is probably a classic example of why.

"Put on a Happy Face" featured Heidi Montag's family trying to do just that ... staring at her face and the rest of her body after 139 unnecessary plastic surgeries.

The Hills final season debut should have come with a "Warning: Disturbing Images" disclaimer. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

They should show a close-up shot of Heidi Montag's fake boobs in their hilarious glory as The Hills title card. Although those things are more like a mountain range.

Is it just us or are all of these chicks skinnier, meaner and more annoying than ever? Did MTV unveil new protocol for these mean girl anorexic fembots? Minus 9.

Lo is a full-time cast member at last! Plus 4!

Kristin Cavallari can't believe she's accused of drug use ... despite staying out until 8 a.m. and looking like a stick figure. Minus 5. Where would they get that idea?

Welcome 2 the Freak Show

A face only a mother could love... and even she has a hard time.

Let's run down Heidi Montag's plastic surgery in her own words: "I got a slight eyebrow lift and that's why I got these staples in my head. I had my nose redone, I had my own fat injected into my cheeks. I had my ears pinned back. I had injections into my lips. I had my chin shaved down. I had my breast redone, and my back shaped... and I had a little bit of inner and outer lipo." No points, we just had to.

Heidi's mother Darlene reacts honestly to her daughter's absurd plastic surgeries, asking "why [she] would want to look like Barbie?" Our thoughts exactly. Plus 18.

After Heidi Montag prods further, Darlene says looked "younger and fresher-looking" before. Minus 6, 'cause Heidi would so cry if her face weren't frozen in place.

Kristin is, like, mad that Brody Jenner is flirting with Audrina Patridge. We love Brody, but why keep recycling the same three guys as fake love interests? Minus 7.

Lame Shades

Hard partying Kristin denies she's got a problem.

Wearing sunglasses indoors doesn't make you look cool, Kristin. Minus 4.

Nice of Stephanie to make it out of rehab in time for filming. Plus 3.

Heidi tells her fam they "live in the mountains and wouldn't understand." LOL, as if Crested Butte, Colo., were some backwards, classless, hillbilly dump. Plus 11.

This isn't related, but Spencer Pratt is reportedly on the outs with the show after he refused to start a physical fight with Holly Montag. Yes, Spencer Pratt. Plus 5.

TOTAL: +10. The "reality" of The Hills is always debated, but it more or less on display last night, and we know this because we cover the cast's actual lives daily.

We much prefer episodes like this, whatever the annoyances, to absurd, contrived plot lines such as Speidi's baby argument or Kristin and Justin Bobby "dating."

Click to enlarge more pics from the episode ...

  • Staged Intervention
  • Stacie n' Kristin
  • Hills Girl Talk
  • Oh, K-Cav
  • Brody Macks Audrina
  • A Montag Moment
  • A Confrontation
  • Heidi's Mom is Pissed

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The Hills returns tonight for its final season ... most likely. It could be extended a bit. Regardless, here's a look back at some moments that defined its first five:

FORGET PARIS: In the first season finale, Lauren Conrad made a brutal mistake that would haunt her for two more years, choosing to spend the summer with tool Jason Wahler over accompanying Teen Vogue editor Lisa Love to Paris.

Bearded

Fortunately, Whitney Port stepped in and fast-tracked her fashion career. Not that LC is hurting for cash, or boyfriends. Kyle Howard's a big upgrade over J-Wahl.

FALLING DOWN: As a Teen Vogue intern, Whitney endeared herself to millions after what could have been her worst moment, falling on stage after Vogue tapped her to model Hilary Swank's Oscar gown on Good Morning America.

The way she composed herself and handled the embarrassment with grace and dignity only impressed the higher-ups more, though (sorry to rehash this, Whit).

Two prominent former loves of Lauren Conrad.

THE LC SEX TAPE: It did not exist, but boy, did it spark a lot of celebrity gossip. Spencer Pratt (and in turn, THG) got so much mileage out of this twisted rumor.

BABY MAMA DRAMA: More than once, Heidi Montag has effed with Spencer regarding pregnancy. All a big hoax to watch him squirm? We're all for it even if so.

KISSING BRODY J: Everybody does it at some point, but Lauren and he had such chemistry. Still, despite the Las Vegas birthday hookup, Brody Jenner and Conrad determined they work better as friends, which they've remained since.

THE TRANSFORMATION OF HEIDI MONTAG'S FACE: Enough said, and ongoing.

WORSE THAN HEIDI: LC accused Audrina Patridge of insinuating she hooked up with Justin-Bobby - and that Audzo is worse than Heidi Montag as a result.

A shot from Heidi and Spencer's wedding - the non-staged version.

CAREER EVOLUTION: The show began with a focus on young women and careers in L.A., then became about quasi-celebs whose careers were being on The Hills.

THE WEDDING: Heidi and Spencer's wedding had something old, new, borrowed and even blue ... the dresses worn by both Lauren Conrad and her old nemesis, Kristin Cavallari, who replaced her as the star of the show. Cold, MTV. Cold.

F*%KING PIRANHAS: Kristin didn't wait long to stir up trouble, calling out Audrina and Stephanie Pratt and declaring "you f*%ked with the WRONG girl."

GROSS LOVE TRIANGLE: On a list of things we didn't need to spend a full season watching, Kristin and Audrina fighting over Justin-Bobby would be tops.

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Heidi Montag has decided not to sue The Hills creator, Adam DiVello, for alleged sexual harassment after all. You mean it was all a trumped-up stunt? Shock.

The surgically enhanced bimbo had accused DiVello of inappropriately groping her during a cast photo shoot in March, which seemed a little absurd to us.

For one, MTV stood by DiVello, said it investigated the matter and decried her harassment claim, while other stars like Lauren Conrad defended him too.

Secondly, look who we're talking about. Heidi Montag's fake boobs aren't even sexually attractive anymore ... there's a point in which it's comedic, not hot.

In any case, she consulted with her lawyers about a lawsuit, and a source tells the New York Post, "Heidi and Spencer Pratt have changed their minds." 

Those Are Some Big Breasts

GROPED: By Spencer, maybe. By Adam DiVello? Doubtful.

We've never known them to drop something, but hey, it got them a few hours of publicity, so it was probably a success for Speidi. Of the pair, the source said:

"They realized they should just move on."

Wonder why ... perhaps because they had no case and just used DiVello's name for PR, discrediting other legitimate harassment victims in the process?

Weak, guys. We enjoy the Tweeting rampages of Spencer Pratt as much as anyone, but there should be limitations. No need to make $h!t like this up.

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The Hills star Spencer Pratt did not respond kindly to co-star Audrina Patridge and her "nasty Tijuana plastic surgery" criticizing Heidi Montag.

During a Tuesday night interview on Lopez Tonight, Patridge said that Montag "changed a bit" personality-wise and physically since they met:

"She got her chin chiseled, her nose done, her cheeks, boobs redone, lipo, butt job, I don't know, [10 plastic surgeries] in one day? It's a lot."

Spencer Pratt was far from pleased by these (true) comments, and decided to unleash his venom on Twitter, firing off an epic rant last night:

"I would like to make it CLEAR! My wife and Audrina have severed all ties! We no longer deal with that fake world and fake people like her!"

  • King Spencer
  • Stylish Patridge

Spencer Pratt gave his Blackberry a workout last night.

Continuing, he alleged that Patridge has had work done ... in Mexico. His Tweets also suggested that Jersey Shore star Jenni Farley did the same, and more:

  • "Audrina - Don't hate just because your nasty Tijuana plastic surgery got you no press!"
  • "So glad my wife gets her surgery in bev hills and not where Jwoww and Audrina go. We love American doctors!
  • "Who elected you to gage cool - BITCH! Why don't u and ur played out 90s singer Cabrera go into a bathroom stall and do what u do best..."
  • "Audrina - you want press? Leak another 50 naked photos of yourself like u did to get relevant to in the first place."
  • "Oh the truth is coming ... I'm not playing anymore. Everyone stay tuned... it's all coming out!"
  • On a dif note - just heard kesha did a body paint shoot - next time use invisible paint- give my ears back. Tictoc bitch- ur time is up!

There you have it. It's been quite a week for Spencer, who earlier joined Heidi in accusing The Hills producer Adam DiVello of sexually harassing Montag.

A rep for Audrina had no comment on the Tweeting rampage.

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Former Hills star Lauren Conrad says Heidi Montag's allegations of sexual harassment by the show's creator Adam DiVello, are as fake as Heidi's rack.

Well, she didn't choose those words, but she might as well have.

"Similar to most of my fellow MTV cast mates, I am in utter shock at the allegations made against Adam DiVello," she tells Us Weekly in a statement.

"Not only are they completely absurd, but they are 100 percent without merit ... Adam is a true professional and a wonderful person to work for."

Citing multiple sources, celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote Tuesday that DiVello touched her inappropriately on the back and a$$ this year.

LC says no way that happened.

So Wrong on Every Level

Beauty and the beast clash again. [Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

According to Hilton, this is why Heidi Montag showed up with several bodyguards to a recent Hills photo shoot, not because she's a pompous diva.

He also said DiVello hit on Lauren Conrad, which she denied.

The fake-breasted one and her husband Spencer Pratt "are very close to bringing legal action against the show," an insider told Hilton, although Heidi Montag herself has yet to comment on the allegations allegedly alleged by herself.

An MTV spokesperson, meanwhile, said: "We have looked into this matter and the allegations made against Adam DiVello are completely false."

"Adam not only created The Hills and The City, launching the careers of its cast members, but works diligently to maintain a respectful environment."

Basically, the consensus is that Speidi lies and will say anything for headlines. Maybe unfair to say, but their reputation precedes them for a reason.

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Some people just won't stop in their pursuit of what they want.

This either applies to grabbing fake boobs or celebrity news headlines, depending on whose side you believe. Sources close to Heidi Montag say she is accusing the creator and executive producer of The Hills of touching her inappropriately.

"Tension on The Hills set has escalated in the last few weeks and Spencer and Heidi are close to bringing legal action against the show," an insider tells Perez Hilton.

The alleged sexual assault by Adam DiVello happened after Montag's recent round of plastic surgery procedures, Speidi is claiming. The inappropriate behavior included DiVello touching Montag's "ass cheeks and lower back."

Somehow we doubt it. Who would even want to at this point?

That is a Huge Rack

Did Adam DiVello fondle Heidi Montag? If so, gross!

Rumors have plagued Adam DiVello for years about the nature of his relationship with The Hills' former heroine, Lauren Conrad and inappropriateness there.

No charges or lawsuits have been filed against him, it's worth noting.

Those close to Heidi say Adam's inappropriateness towards her is one of the reasons why she has had a large number of security people with her recently.

A source says, "Adam can get away with it with [Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari] but not with Heidi! He is a pervert and a creep. The other girls dont feel they can't defend themselves because they are afraid they will lose their job."

"Heidi Montag will not tolerate sexual assault in the workplace!"

Truly, she is a modern day feminist hero to look up to.

No comment yet from Adam DiVello, or even from Heidi Montag, so we'll see if Perez's report (or her alleged claims) is legit ... or as fake as that rack.

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Is fame going to Heidi Montag's head? Has it been for the last five years?

The Hills vixen and co-star Kristin Cavallari certainly seems to think so.

"She changed her number, I can’t get a hold of her," she said recently.

At a recent MTV photo shoot, Heidi Montag showed up with four bodyguards and refused to pose with her other Hills cast members, acting like a total diva.

Even Spencer Pratt called her out on this behavior.

"No one saw her because no one was allowed to speak to her," Kristin said. "She didn’t even take the group photo with us which was really disappointing."

CLASH OF THE HILLS TITANS: Team Kristin or Team Heidi?

She did have a piece of bit for the results of the infamous Heidi Montag plastic surgery operations she underwent: "Honestly, Heidi looks better in person."

Well, that's not actually saying much, come on. But good try, Kristin.

The Hills final season trailer was just released in advance of the April 27 premiere. How would Kristin feel if former star and rival Lauren Conrad returned?

"I hope Lauren comes back," she says. "I think that would be awesome."

As for Heidi and Kristin, we smell a rivalry coming. Pick a side:

 

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Four girls moved to LA ... We watched them grow ... We watched them live and love ... Nothing stays the same forever ... But no one saw THIS coming!

The last season of The Hills, which begins later this month, is being hyped by the MTV tagline above. The journey is coming to an end ... but it's not over until its over.

So we're told. A three-minute trailer has been released, taking us through what we've seen in five seasons to date and previewing the beginning of the end (April 27).

First, there's a mini-retrospective on the show, which images of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag. Aww. They were so cute. One of them still is, and is recognizable!

Lauren and Heidi in a bygone, plastic surgery-free era.

The Hills used to be a fun guilty pleasure, but after LC rode off into the sunset prior to last season, the entire dynamic changed, with Kristin Cavallari in the mix.

This coming season, the show's last, promises even more contrived nonsense than before. Just a few of the story lines (sorry, real life events) teased in the trailer:

  • Mom Darlene staring in disbelief at Heidi Montag's plastic surgery
  • Spencer Pratt losing his $h!t at his sister ... and at Heidi's sister
  • Kristin being confronted about her alleged drug use/partying
  • Audrina Patridge dating Ryan Cabrera
  • Brody Jenner dating ... everyone

Follow the jump to see The Hills' final season trailer in all its glory ...

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