by Free Britney at . Comments

The Hollywood Gossip staff is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world you probably never considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

The Hills' Spencer Pratt, who's taking political science classes at USC, says: "I'm gonna run for governor. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can be governor of California, then Spencer Pratt can be the governor of California. [Heidi Montag] would be a great first lady!"

Montag Cleavage

Delusions of grandeur? Let's see how Heidi Montag stacks up against a former first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in a 10-round bout. Ding, ding!

1. RESIDENCE

Heidi Montag: Hollywood, California
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Chappaqua, New York
Edge: Hillary

2. EXPERIENCE

Heidi Montag: Former student at Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising (dropped out), intern at Bolthouse Productions.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Holds degrees from Wellesley College and Yale Law School, served two terms as First Lady, in second term in U.S. Senate
Edge: Hillary

3. FAVORITE CLUBS

Heidi Montag: Area, Hyde, Les Deux
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Senate Judiciary Committee
Edge: Hillary

4. CAREER ASPIRATIONS

Heidi Montag: Becoming U.S. President
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Singing, acting
Edge: Even

5. HATERS' AMMO

Heidi Montag: New fake boobs, Spencer Pratt, really annoying voice
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Flip-flopping, carpetbagging, abrasive personality
Edge: Heidi

6. LOVES TO BITCH OUT ...

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Conservatives
Edge: Hillary

7. SCANDALS LINKED TO

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad sex tape
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Whitewater
Edge: Heidi

8. RIGHT HAND MAN SUCKS ...

Heidi Montag: At everything
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Cigars
Edge: Hillary

9. OBAMA IS ...

Heidi Montag: A good way to describe her future music career
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Her chief competition
Edge: Hillary

10. PLANS FOR IRAQ

Heidi Montag: Paying a plastic surgeon to enhance hers
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Phased withdrawal of the troops
Edge: Hillary

THE VERDICT: Hillary steamrolls Heidi, 7.5-2.5, en rote to securing the Democratic nomination. Or at least Hollywood Gossip glory on this day.

by Free Britney at . Comments

The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity gossip world that you might never have considered… because they are entirely pointless, and above all, not real.

Heidi Montag is a goddess… at least as far as Spencer Pratt is concerned. But how does she match up to the King of Kings, Jesus Christ Himself? Does The Hills star stand a chance in a grueling 10-round bout? There's only one way to find out.

Jesus

1. HUMBLE ORIGINS

Heidi Montag: Crested Butte, Colorado
Jesus: Nazareth, Northern Israel
Edge: Jesus

2. APOSTLES

Heidi Montag: Jordan Eubanks, Spencer Pratt
Jesus: Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, James, Matthew, Simon, Thaddeus, Judas
Edge: Jesus

3. FOLLOWERS

Heidi Montag: One million per episode
Jesus: 2.1 billion worldwide
Edge: Jesus

4. BIGGEST ADVERSARY

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Jesus: The Prince of Darkness
Edge: Heidi Montag

5. MIRACLES OF NOTE

Heidi Montag: Accepted into the Academy of Art University and the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, made her boobs larger
Jesus: Walked on water, turned water into wine, fed thousands with two loaves of bread and five fish, rose from the grave
Edge: Jesus

6. SIGNATURE LOOK

Heidi Montag: Overpriced designer chic
Jesus: Turn of the (1st) century retro
Edge: Jesus

7. TRADES

Heidi Montag: Intern and event planner at Bolthouse Productions, reality TV star, aspiring singer and actress
Jesus: Carpenter, messenger of God
Edge: Jesus

8. WORDS OF WISDOM

Heidi Montag: "I feel like, 2006 was, like, a hard year for friendship." - Season 2 of The Hills
Jesus: "Truly, truly, I say to you, He who believes in me will also do the works that I do; and Greater Works than These will he do." - John 14:12
Edge: Even

9. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Heidi Montag: Appears on reality show, gets into the cool clubs like Les Deux, may pose nude in Playboy, has become celebrity gossip mainstay
Jesus: Died for our sins
Edge: Jesus

10. WILL RETURN…

Heidi Montag: Later this summer in Season 3 of The Hills
Jesus: Someday
Edge: Heidi Montag

THE SKINNY: Sorry, Heidi. As much as you aspire to fame and fortune, you can't play with the big boys. Christ takes it in an 7.5 - 2.5 rout.