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Heidi Montag is back. Thank goodness?

On Lopez Tonight, the 24-year-old opened up about why she took six months out of the spotlight. Short story, no one cares about her she needed a break!

"I needed a break after such a crazy six years of my life," she said. "And [from] being in L.A. and Hollywood. I've been with my puppies and my husband."

Sweater Puppies

The ex-Hills star said that while her marriage to Spencer Pratt has played out on reality TV, she wouldn't recommend other people to follow in her footsteps.

"It's hard," she said. "[But] it's fun. I would never discourage any one from following their dreams and their passion, and obtaining any success is great."

Obtaining a fake nose, breasts and lips, though? Not so much.

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Who are Danielle Staub, Ashley Dupre, Heidi Montag and Jake Pavelka?

I'll take people who totally need to star in a reality show for $800, Alex.

Enormous Fake Boobs

Yes, this is really happening. The Real Housewives of New Jersey prostitution whore, actual prostitution whore, former Hills star and former Bachelor are filming a show called Cafe Med. They were seen on Sunset Plaza in West Hollywood, Calif.:

The premise for this ridiculousness? They are going into the food business together. Sort of. Cafe Med puts these reality stars under the pressure cooker!

"They are revamping a restaurant from the ground up," says a source on the set of the new VH1 series. "They started shooting it this past weekend."

The cast will be tasked with opening a restaurant in just 28 days.

Not a very long period, that's for sure. It's around the length of time Heidi Montag between plastic surgeries, or that Jake was engaged to Vienna Girardi.

[Photo: WENN]

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Charlie Sheen would approve of the job cellulite is doing here.

Just look at these Kate Gosselin, Heidi Montag and Britney Spears pictures. Time to hit the gym, ladies! Star Magazine is flat-out shaming you all here!

We kid. There's nothing wrong with cellulite, as it beats unnecessary plastic surgery. Kim Kardashian would surely agree ... then shill for QuickTrim.

Anyway, here's Star's latest cover, which won't win the celeb gossip rag any points for originality, but at least won't get them sued for $50 million:

Cellulite vs. Britney

LOSERS: Sorry, Heidi, Kate and Britney. Cellulite is opening a can of whoop ass on y'all. But we respect you for not getting any work done. Well, Britney at least.

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Spencer Pratt is apparently livid with Bravo's Andy Cohen for his verbal tirade against Heidi Montag, who he wasn't exactly kind to over the weekend.

Cohen referred to Heidi as "trash" and said he'd rather stab himself than see her on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills after she expressed interest.

"That trash is delusional and I would sooner stab ... knives into my eyes than see her on this network," he said, calling her the "Jackhole of the week."

Pissed Off Pratt

JACKHOLE! Spencer has issues with Andy. [Photo: Pacific Coast News]

Never one to miss an opening, Spencer was stunned by the hurtful comments about his wife, telling Radar Online, "Andy is clearly the Jackhole."

"You think you're special because you have your little talk show that's hurting in ratings doesn't give you special authority to bash a young girl."

"Maybe you have issues with women," added The Hills alum. "It's clear you you don't respect your talented housewives, always mocking them."

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To say The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills host Andy Cohen isn't a fan of bringing Heidi Montag on board the Bravo series would be a safe assumption.

In response to Heidi lobbying to join the Housewives next season, Cohen said he'd rather "stab knives into my own eyes." Tell us how you really feel.

Naturally, this opened the door for Montag to whine to People, and she did.

What a Giant Boob

"Andy's tasteless remarks were hurtful and completely unnecessary," Montag said, denying her comments were serious. "I was simply being playful."

"I'm aware I'm not the right demo for that show, but Andy Cohen took it to a malicious place. I have always been a fan of the Housewives franchise."

"I don't appreciate being bullied."

The harsh comments came from Cohen on his Watch What Happens Live late night talk show. Cohen also called Heidi and Spencer Pratt "delusional," for a Tweet that implied that she was in talks to appear on the show's second season.

The same can be said of her belief that she has musical talent.

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Former Hills star Heidi Montag wants a role on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Easy to see why. They're rich and famous right now, she's neither.

Despite the fact that there's not a chance in hell it will ever happen, Heidi is actively pursuing joining Camille, Lisa, Kyle and their wealthy counterparts.

“We would move to Beverly Hills in a heartbeat. We'd be so psyched if this happened,” said her better half and fellow Hills star turned bad musician.

Damaged Goods

MAYBE 15 SURGERIES AGO: Sadly for Montag, there's no way the Housewives cast her. There's nothing Real about that body whatsoever. It's just not a good fit.

According to Radar Online, she and husband Spencer Pratt are going all out and his “people” are supposedly talking to the RHOBH honchos next week.

So Speidi will be Tweeting at them incessantly while Cougar Zank and Jenn Bunney walk up and approach the producers at restaurants? Good to know.

While adding Heidi and Spencer would garner big publicity, Bravo doesn't seem to be lacking for that as is ... and would they want to deal with Speidi?

We doubt it. Stick to your "music" careers, guys.

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Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt insist on torturing us with music. It's pretty funny if nothing else, even if the gruesome twosome didn't intend it to be.

A year after the debut of her gawdawful album Superficial, Montag has just released "Heartbeat," a new, mediocre-at-best synthesized dance track.

"Touch me," she sings, or attempts to in vain. "Let me know. Touch me. I don’t need. You enjoy myself. Enjoy myself to the music. Heartbeat."

"I put my heart into this," she tells People. "I want to become a galaxy star."

Whatever that is, we wouldn't recommend holding your breath, girlfriend.

As you may have heard (with the ear scars to prove it), Spencer Pratt has some tunes of his own floating around cyberspace. Of the rap variety.

His latest effort, which you can listen to after the jump, isn't quite as bad as the others. Of course, the bar was set preposterously low, so ...

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Heidi Montag was reportedly offered a spot on Dancing With the Stars in '08 and again this season, but was forced to turn it down each time for different reasons.

First, contractual agreements she made when she signed up for The Hills barred her from busting a move anywhere other than on Spencer Pratt-directed videos.

Now, the 24-year-old former reality TV star is effectively unable to cut a rug thanks to all the cutting she endured over the past few years. Her body's a mess.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Celebrate

At least she has her true love. [Photo: Pacific Coast News]

"I'm not sure she wants to risk it now," a source close to Heidi Montag said of her dozen and a half botched plastic surgeries. "She's scared of getting hurt."

Montag was even pitched by her agent to try to be the new host of the show before Brooke Burke took the job in 2008, and later to be a contestant on it.

But it was not to be ... nor will it ever be, with her declining relevance and eviscerated physical state. She is literally scarred for life - all over - at this point.

Shame, too, given girlfriend's big financial problems.

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We spent much of December looking back at the stars, stories and celebrity scandals that made 2010 so memorable. Now we look ahead to a brand new year.

Some scandals will come out of nowhere. Some celebs will make news for reasons we can't predict, and random people will become stars of the gossip world.

Still, there are some potential stars, feuds and topics we already have our eye on. Here are 11 Hollywood news stories to keep your eye out for in 2011 ...

Up Klose with Kim

Is this the year people tire of Kim and the 'Tag? Was that 2007-2010?

11. The Michael Jackson trial. Will Dr. Conrad Murray be held criminally liable for the death of the King of Pop in a precedent-setting manslaughter case?

10. Reality bites. Oh, but you know you still watch. The question? Will the Jersey Shore cast, Kardashians and Real Housewives get bigger, or fade away?

9. Repeat offenders. Will the likes of Floyd Mayweather, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan get it together for their own good, or keep effing up for ours?

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The Hills star Heidi Montag sought perfection when she underwent 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day late last year. Safe to say that didn't work out.

"Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did presurgery," she tells Life & Style in the tabloid's new cover story. "This is not what I signed up for."

The Pratt Family

That's just too bad... except that it's EXACTLY WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR. You don't go for a routine physical and stumble into this by accident, idiot.

Look what they did to me! Feel sorry for me!

Only Heidi Montag would try to have a plastic surgeon make her into a human Barbie doll, then decide that might have been going a little overboard, then try to play the victim and milk it for even more publicity and money later.

Makes it difficult to feel very sympathetic, we'll be honest.

In the magazine, she details her plastic surgery disaster:

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Heidi Montag Biography

Heidi Montag Boob Job! Ah, Heidi Montag. The controversial, plastic, duck-lipped, attention-loving blonde is a co-star on MTV's hit reality series, The Hills,... More »
Born
Birthplace
Crested Butte, Colorado
Full Name
Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag Quotes

I used to be so strong, I used to be able to do whatever I want, and then I feel like I've been broken down little by little.

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag: Honey, I'm home.
Spencer Pratt: Oh, my favorite part of the day!

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