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The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity gossip world that you might never have considered… because they are entirely pointless, and above all, not real.

Heidi Montag is a goddess… at least as far as Spencer Pratt is concerned. But how does she match up to the King of Kings, Jesus Christ Himself? Does The Hills star stand a chance in a grueling 10-round bout? There's only one way to find out.

Jesus

1. HUMBLE ORIGINS

Heidi Montag: Crested Butte, Colorado
Jesus: Nazareth, Northern Israel
Edge: Jesus

2. APOSTLES

Heidi Montag: Jordan Eubanks, Spencer Pratt
Jesus: Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, James, Matthew, Simon, Thaddeus, Judas
Edge: Jesus

3. FOLLOWERS

Heidi Montag: One million per episode
Jesus: 2.1 billion worldwide
Edge: Jesus

4. BIGGEST ADVERSARY

Heidi Montag: Lauren Conrad
Jesus: The Prince of Darkness
Edge: Heidi Montag

5. MIRACLES OF NOTE

Heidi Montag: Accepted into the Academy of Art University and the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, made her boobs larger
Jesus: Walked on water, turned water into wine, fed thousands with two loaves of bread and five fish, rose from the grave
Edge: Jesus

6. SIGNATURE LOOK

Heidi Montag: Overpriced designer chic
Jesus: Turn of the (1st) century retro
Edge: Jesus

7. TRADES

Heidi Montag: Intern and event planner at Bolthouse Productions, reality TV star, aspiring singer and actress
Jesus: Carpenter, messenger of God
Edge: Jesus

8. WORDS OF WISDOM

Heidi Montag: "I feel like, 2006 was, like, a hard year for friendship." - Season 2 of The Hills
Jesus: "Truly, truly, I say to you, He who believes in me will also do the works that I do; and Greater Works than These will he do." - John 14:12
Edge: Even

9. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Heidi Montag: Appears on reality show, gets into the cool clubs like Les Deux, may pose nude in Playboy, has become celebrity gossip mainstay
Jesus: Died for our sins
Edge: Jesus

10. WILL RETURN…

Heidi Montag: Later this summer in Season 3 of The Hills
Jesus: Someday
Edge: Heidi Montag

THE SKINNY: Sorry, Heidi. As much as you aspire to fame and fortune, you can't play with the big boys. Christ takes it in an 7.5 - 2.5 rout.

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Ever since she first appeared on The Hills, Heidi Montag has been looking to milk her celebrity for all it's worth.

After getting a nice pair of fake boobs, a nose job and an engagement ring from a money-grubbing ass nice gentleman, it appears she's going to cash in.

The 20-year-old star of The Hills, who underwent a breast augmentation as well as rhinoplasty surgery in early April, has reportedly been offered $1 million to have her new, artificial body grace the pages of Playboy.

This according to none other than Spencer Pratt, her new fiance and "manager," who shared the news with In Touch Weekly in its May 28 issue.

"Playboy is interesting in shooting Heidi's new body," Spencer Pratt told In Touch. "They've offered her $1 million to be in the magazine."

Playboy representative Lauren Melone didn't deny that Heidi Montag received an offer to appear in the magazine, but added that Playboy "wouldn't pay $1 million."

Ouch! That hurts. But just look at how happy Spencer and Heidi are. Nothing could faze them and their undying love for media coverage each other. Above, the losers are pictured leaving Les Deux last night. Gag.

MTV previously announced a third season of The Hills would premiere this summer - however it's still unclear if the show would feature Miss Montag.

She and former BFF Lauren Conrad reportedly had a falling out following the show's second season when Montag moved out of their apartment together and in with that jackass Spencer.

We'll keep you posted if we hear anything. In the meantime, you can help Lauren pick her dress for the MTV Movie Awards!

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It was only a matter of time.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, whose engagement has been public for all of 18 hours or so, were amazingly spotted frolicking in a swimming pool and acting all cute for the cameras.

Funny how these Heidi and Spencer pics seem to just pop up whenever the slimy wannabe star feels like he wants to be in the news. Her fake boobs are something else, don't get us wrong - but the onslaught of staged photos makes us nauseous.

We're sure you know the feeling. So take a minute to enjoy, and be disgusted by this latest "spontaneous" photo shoot featuring the stars of MTV's smash, The Hills.

No word on whether Lauren Conrad has texted Heidi her congratulations yet. But if she happens to come to our celebrity gossip site and see these pics, she'll probably be too sick to her stomach to pick up her beloved Blackberry.

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Spencer Pratt has promised to honor, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish a pair of fake boobs for as long as they both shall live.

And if Heidi Montag wants to stick around, too, so be it.

Fake Boobs on Display

That's right, folks, everyone's least favorite couple is engaged. So, good news, Tameka Foster: you're no longer the most hated fiancee on the planet.

The Hills stars, whose controversial courtship was chronicled last season on the hit MTV reality series, have been dating for just eight months.

According to a source, Pratt purchased the diamond-encrusted platinum band with a pink stone on Monday at Ice at Brentwood Gardens before presenting Montag with a bended-knee proposal. An eyewitness at the store tells Us Magazine: "She was trying on tons of them and they looked really happy!"

Now the pair can plant rumors of a Lauren Conrad sex tape together through old age.

Pratt and Montag have been too busy preening for staged pictures to set a date, but we'll let you know as soon as one is announced. We don't know for sure if Audrina Patridge will be invited, but we can say this with certainty:

Francois-Henri Pinault is no longer the most well-known fiance within the world of celebrity gossip world. Sorry, man.

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Presumably, like Laguna Beach graduate Talan Torriero and Nicole Scherzinger, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag enjoy riding one another.

Apparently, though, they're enjoying another ride even more - the one that makes them household names despite their lack of redeeming qualities.

Gimme Kiss!

If you thought the bikini photos of her frolicking on the beach were cheesy, or if you thought his campaign to free Paris Hilton was the last you'd hear of him for awhile… you don't give Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt enough credit.

Wearing matching turquoise tops, The Hills power couple was out for a day of fun and staged photos at the Santa Monica Pier Thursday. Spencer got a photographer to catch Heidi and himself in a completely spontaneous moment of fun once again. What are the odds? 

The looks on their faces say it all. Heidi Montag wants so badly to be an actress and look the part - blonde, beautiful, fun and oh-so-scared of a roller coaster's plunge! OMG! Yay!!

Spencer Pratt, meanwhile, is flat-out loving every second of his brief time in the spotlight and coming up with new PR schemes to get famous as we speak. He's so focused, he can't even open his eyes.

As for Heidi's new fake boobs? Well, they just aren't used to the rapid movements of a herky-jerky amusement park ride. They didn't sign up for this!

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Hayden Panettiere, step off.

Yes, we know. You're an up-and-comer, as we've seen in some recent photos. But you've got nothing on some of the sex-crazed, attention-craving purveyors of girl-on-girl action seen below. Consider this something to strive toward.

Spencer and Heidi: Not Married

Let's take a look at The Hollywood Gossip's All-Star Team ...

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: Lauren Conrad (left) leans in to give Heidi Montag some sugar. And this was before Heidi's boob job! There will be no more slumber parties or tickle fights between these former roomies, though. Just real fights. LC and Heidi aren't really friends, mostly because of her relationship with that d!ck Spencer Pratt. The photo at right, of a pre-train wreck Britney Spears going at it with Madonna, needs no introduction.

SISTERS AND PORN STARS: We knew she'd sleep with just about anything, but we didn't expect to see Sienna Miller (left) gettin' freaky... with her sister! Yes, borderline incestual girl-on-girl action, ladies and gentlemen. Let's just hope she didn't slip her the tongue. And while it's probably not fair to include a porn star in this feature (as they get paid for lesbian action), we weren't about to exclude the lusty pride of Broward County, Mary Carey.

BEAUTY QUEENS GONE WILD: Call it (disgraced) beauty queens row. Tara Conner and Katie Blair (left) not only made headlines for winning the 2006 Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageants, but for hooking up. With each other. Is this a great country or what? Meanwhile, Katie Rees (right, middle) was stripped of Miss Nevada honors after this pic and others like it surfaced. But who are you gonna remember, her or Helen Salas? Exactly.

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Frolicking in the surf.

Play-fighting. Making out.

A Speidi Smooch

Showing off her new boob job from every possible angle.

Clearly, in case you didn't know by now, Heidi Montag loves attention - and will go to great lengths to get it along with her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt.

A new batch of Heidi Montag pics have surfaced, and in them, she and Pratt act like they're having a great time on the beach - completely unbeknownst to anyone else, of course.

In reality, though, The Hills' most nauseating couple might as well have been standing there mugging for the damn camera.

Hell, Spencer Pratt probably paid some dude to show up and take these clearly-staged shots. Friggin' loser.

Would you put it past a guy who appeared in a Kevin Federline video?

We wouldn't. All we have to say is that we're glad some reality TV stars, such as Heidi's ex-BFF Lauren Conrad, don't resort to such annoying means to thrust themselves into the spotlight.

For more on the complete waste of oxygen that is Spencer Pratt, and to see more of his girlfriend's expensive new body, follow this link for more Heidi Montag bikini photos ...

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Just three weeks after her breast augmentation (boob job) and rhinoplasty (nose job), Heidi Montag turned heads with beau Spencer Pratt April 22.

The scene: A Malibu beach.

Terrible Tandem

"She looked awesome!" says an onlooker. "She seemed really happy."

We don't see how anyone could be, in the presence of Spencer Pratt. But Heidi has defied conventional wisdom for some time. Who ever knows what she's thinking?

Sources tell Us Weekly that Beverly Hills-based doc Frank Ryan performed both surgeries. Heidi Montag always wanted C-cups, a pal confesses.

"Whatever women need to do to feel sexy, they should do," The Hills star and former BFF of Lauren Conrad said in a past interview.

Check out these before and after Heidi Montag boob job and nose job pics ...

Damn, girl. While she's not exactly entering Britney Spears or Victoria Beckham territory, let's just say those are some serious boobs Montag bought herself.

Though Montag has not confirmed she had surgery, the evidence (above) is clear. And The Hills blonde bombshell admits she has plenty of reasons to be in good spirits.

"I'm in a great place in my life right now," she tells Us Weekly, the publication which first obtained these pictures of Heidi Montag we bring you.

Spencer Pratt, for his part, denies he pushed Heidi to have the surgery, stating, "I would never tell her what to do with her body."

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The rumor that The Hills star Lauren Conrad and her ex-beau, Jason Wahler, filmed a secret sex tape that was to be released to the public took the celebrity gossip world by storm earlier this month.

It turns out there is no tape, and last week, we found an interview with LC's former BFF, Heidi Montag, and her obnoxious, ugly boyfriend, Spencer Pratt - both of whom Lauren Conrad believes are behind this.

Lick It Good

This morning, Us Weekly has a new interview with Pratt and Montag, who further discuss their own relationship since Season 2 of The Hills concluded, as well the Lauren Conrad sex tape scandal.

Us: Heidi, Lauren said didn't contact her after news broke about the tape. Your take?

Heidi Montag: "It's astonishing that she would say that. I guess she forgot that I was in the hospital that week. Maybe that would explain why she didn't call to see how I was doing."

THG NOTE: Heidi Montag got a boob job and a nose job April 2.

Us: Spencer, did Lauren's split from Brody Jenner makes things tricky?

Spencer Pratt: "Lauren couldn't get into clubs before she met us! We were her ticket to Hollywood. As soon as the double dating stopped, she was out. She has trouble as third wheel, and that's what she was when Brody didn't want to keep seeing her."

Continue reading this interview with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ...

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Spencer Pratt. Our readers know how we feel about this rich loser from The Hills.

We hate him! Sharing that sentiment, along with most viewers of The Hills, was a fellow celebrity gossip site, which unlike The Hollywood Gossip, was able to swallow its pride and request an interview with Spencer Pratt himself. The man and his lame gold chains complied.

King and Queen of Gossip

The interview below - which Heidi Montag (following her new boob job) also takes part in - may shock you in that Spencer is, at times, not 100 percent annoying.

It's more like 65-75 percent. So rather than wanting to gouge your eyes out with a butter knife, you'll merely shake your head in minor irritation.

Below, the stars chat candidly about their life together, Heidi's strained friendship with Lauren Conrad (and budding friendships with Audrina Patridge and Whitney Port) as well as plenty of other things we didn't see on The Hills....

Q: People have pretty strong opinions and perceptions about the way you are both portrayed on reality TV. How accurate is the portrayal and what do you think is the biggest misconception that viewers have?

Heidi Montag: People don't know every side. It's a reality TV show about several people's lives. It's accurate of who we are, but sometimes the situations can be misconstrued. It is 20-minute, edited drama. They can't show everything.

Spencer Pratt: Heidi and I had just started hanging out when the show started taping and we really liked each other, but all of a sudden I was considered to be her boyfriend. We were flirting all the time, but following the rules of being single. We were both seeing other people at the same time. We were both players - she was playing the game with me. Heidi has game!

Heidi Montag: One of the first nights I saw Spencer at Area he showed up with [Audrina Patridge] and I hadn't talked to her all summer. I was so mad that she came to the club with him. I really liked him that summer.

Spencer Pratt: I did show up with Audrina - because Heidi changed her phone number on me!

Continue reading this interview here ...

Heidi Montag Biography

Heidi Montag Boob Job! Ah, Heidi Montag. The controversial, plastic, duck-lipped, attention-loving blonde is a co-star on MTV's hit reality series, The Hills,... More »
Born
Birthplace
Crested Butte, Colorado
Full Name
Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag Quotes

I used to be so strong, I used to be able to do whatever I want, and then I feel like I've been broken down little by little.

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag: Honey, I'm home.
Spencer Pratt: Oh, my favorite part of the day!

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