Heidi Montag

Finally, Spencer Pratt is echoing the sentiments of his harshest critics: all agree that the publicity-loving son of Satan should not bear any children.

Unfortunately for Heidi Montag, though, this means missing out on intercourse with her husband; because, as Pratt told The New York Post, he doesn't trust his wife.

"I'm not even kidding, but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby," Spencer said. "That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts."

But, wait, isn't Heidi on birth control? Yes. However, this union is so strong and healthy that Spencer thinks she might stop taking the pill, spread her legs and not tell her man.

"She's not the kind of person who would lie – she would just walk away and not answer the question," Pratt said. "I'm very concerned. Our sex life has dramatically changed recently."

How is Spencer coping with the lack of sex? He's spending every waking hour ogling Montag's Playboy cover. Each page of her photo spread is likely very sticky at this point. (Sorry.)

In other news: Pratt also mocked Joel McHale, host of E!'s The Soup, because he always makes fun of Speidi. Spencer referred to McHale as "a struggling wannabe actor just clowning on reality stars," making it clear he's never heard any hilarious Community quotes.

On Tuesday night's season premiere of The Hills, Kristin Cavallari made her presence felt early and often. Amazing what huge paychecks and scripts can do. Meanwhile, Spencer put a deposit on a house without telling his duck-lipped plastic wife.

Below, The Hollywood Gossip staff reviews Kristin's first episode of MTV's long-running "reality" TV series and awards and deducts points as it sees fit ...

The last-season-in-review montage showing Lauren Conrad departing airs, with Kristin as the show's new narrator. That's cold $h!t, MTV. Cold. Minus 2.

The girls sit around, reading cue cards and giving us the 411 on Kristin Cavallari, who they've just been informed will be on The Hills ... and will be their new friend, apparently. Hey, at least their disdain is for real. Plus 5.

Why would Spencer assume Kristin would go after Justin-Bobby, who looks homeless and by all accounts does not bathe, of all the people at the party? What about Frankie Delgado or Sleazy T? This whole scenario is so ridiculous. Minus 16.

Plus 9 for the obligatory Brody Jenner shirtless and sleeveless shots, and Plus 2 more because Jayde Nicole shows no signs of Joe Francis whomping on her.

Newlywed Heidi Montag says her goal in life is to keep her husband happy. Spoken like a true feminist. Cook, clean and break out the knee pads, Heidi. Minus 5.

Kristin to Audrina: "Your sidekick is yappin' her mouth at me!" Ten seconds into the season and she already knows the role of Stephanie Pratt. Plus 4.

LMAO moment: What in the effing hell is Spencer wearing when he and Heidi pretend to go house hunting? Why are his jeans tucked into his boots? Minus 1.

Stacie the bartender calls Audrina a stage-five clinger. Plus 2 for Stacie's unexplained, contrived appearance on the show, which is not even attempting to seem real at this point, and Plus 2 more for the use of Wedding Crashers quotes.

Even Kristin's voice sounds fake, like she's trying too hard to sound overly dramatic on her "date" with Justin-Bobby. Give us a freaking break. Minus 3.

Spencer puts a deposit down on a place without telling Heidi, who hates it. The more things change, the more they stay the same (and obnoxious). Plus 12.

Fittingly, the quote of the night goes to Kristin Cavallari: [on being a Capricorn] "I'm stubborn ... organized ... I have the BEST bed." Words fail us. Even.

TOTAL: +9! The Hills is what it is. If you can get past how obviously staged it all is, there's still a lot of drama and entertainment value to be enjoyed.

Reality TV's most overpaid airheads (and that's saying something) return to MTV tonight as The Hills kicks off its new season. Or "bonus episodes" of the current season five. Whatever you want to call it, it's back at 10 p.m. EST.

The City follows at 10:30 p.m. EST.

In preparation for the return of its contrived cash cow, the network has released a slew of promotional images of the cast. Some are older pictures, but most are new and feature stars who will now be playing new and/or bigger roles.

Specifically, Kristin Cavallari joins the cast and pretends to be interested in Justin-Bobby to piss off Audrina Patridge. Also, Stacie the bartender is apparently getting her own promotional photos now. This is "reality" TV at its finest.

Click to enlarge the pictures below. Who's your favorite Hills star?

Thank goodness for the return of The Hills to MTV tonight.

It's been at least a few days since we last saw Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, as the duo raked in thousands last week for a staged photo shoot on the beach.

In order to hype the new season of the least realistic show on TV, Heidi gave an interview to British magazine Closer and dished on fake breasts, her fake husband her photoshopped Playboy cover...

On the Playboy shoot: "I wasn't nervous because I'd got my body and mind into shape for it. My aim is to become an iconic sex symbol and the Playboy shoot is the first step. I wanted to be toned and curvaceous with a nice butt; I didn't want to lose weight and look skinny."

On her breasts: "I'm a C cup, but I want to upgrade to a DD cup. I have a curvy butt now and bigger boobs will enhance my shape."

Heidi Montag blows a fake kiss, from her fake lips, which sit a few inches above her fake boobs.

On her atrocious Miss Universe pageant performance: "I know my skills and talent. I'd never performed in front of so many people, let alone a billion watching me on TV. Afterwards there was a lot of negativity on the Internet, but I deal with it. It happens to everyone like me and I can only do my best and feel happy."

On future Speidi offspring: "I'd love children, but Spencer doesn't. Hopefully that will change though."

The Hills star Heidi Montag will be guest hosting The View on October 1, occupying the seat of Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who remains on maternity leave.

While the Republican Heidi should fit in well as the panel's resident conservative, we can't help but wonder if The View has ever heard Heidi speak.

When she and husband Spencer Pratt last appeared on the show in spring, she described herself as a modern day Mother Teresa. Apt comparison.

Since then, she has gone on to ...

• Twitter about Jesus 9-10 times per day on average
• Take a trip to Mexico, a.k.a. "pig flue [sic] country"
• Shamelessly promote the "classy" Heidi Montag nude spread in Playboy, where she talked about Spencer giving her 20-30 orgasms a day.
• Appear on NBC's I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, causing much drama and instigating a feud with Al Roker when he called Speidi out.
• "Perform" (term used loosely) at Miss Universe, after which Spencer still compared her to Michel Jackson despite her unabashed sucking.

Sounds like the perfect guest host to us!

Heidi Montag is adding View guest host to her resume. A resume that mostly includes posing nude and whoring for attention. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Also guest hosting on the daytime gab-fest will be Lisa Ling (October 5-6), Ugly Betty star Ana Ortiz (October 8), The Big Bang Theory star Kaley Cuoco (October 13) and American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi (October 15).

Today is Heidi Montag's birthday. The cute Colorado girl turned Hollywood fame whore and walking testament to bad plastic surgery is now 23 (going on 45).

As a celebrity gossip site, we reserve the right to taser ridicule Horse Face Heidi constantly, because she and husband Spencer Pratt are uniquely deserving.

But we also must pay tribute to the entertainment she's provided over the years. So without delay, here's a 23-photo tribute to birthday girl Heidi Montag:

Last week, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest joked on his radio show that if he could use a taser on one reality star, he would choose Heidi Montag.

Naturally, her husband-pimp Spencer Pratt took exception to the remark and issued a statement to generate some free publicity defend her honor.

"I'm disgusted and horrified that Ryan Seacrest would find it amusing and entertaining to have his listeners call in about tasing anyone," he said.

"What's next, guns and knives? Waterboarding? It is irresponsible and offensive for someone with your platform to promote violence on this level."

"For someone who produces reality content for a living, I'm shocked that you would encourage people to tase reality TV stars. Would it be funny to you if one of your Kardashians got tased? Is that how you would treat your talent, Ryan?"

Ryan Seacrest, of course, produces Keeping Up with the Kardashians, starring Khloe, Kourtney and Kim. Eh, we'd live if one or all got tasered.

Spencer Pratt is looking for a fight with Ryan Seacrest after a hilarious comment the American Idol host made. Heidi Montag could use a nice taser jolt, don'cha think?

Prior to his radio show, Seacrest Tweeted as a "funny topic" who you would most like to see tasered: Heidi Montag, Omarosa from The Apprentice, Tila Tequila (this was before Shawne Merriman choked her) and Daisy de la Hoya.

Not surprisingly, despite the formidable competition, Heidi won.

"Finding humor in violence is disgusting," Spencer Pratt added. "For someone who pretends to be mister clean-cut America, you should be ashamed. Any reasonable person knows that a taser isn't a Super Soaker and can cause immediate death."

Come on, Spencer. Brody Jenner was just fine the other night.

"I expect an apology not to just us, but to people everywhere for using your public voice to spread violence," Pratt concluded, his mission accomplished, similar to when he pretended to be offended by insults from Anderson Cooper.

After a pair of weddings in the last 12 months, are Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag headed to divorce court? If Heidi gets pregnant, Spencer says maybe.

"He said, 'That's the quickest way to divorce,'" the plastic princess told MTV News. "I said, 'No, sucker -you are officially locked in. What do you mean?'"

But Spencer Pratt says he isn't joking.

If she gets pregnant, "I told her there's a divorce or adoption," the PR guru, who says he plans on changing his name to King Spencer Pratt in the near future says. "If she's not down with the adoption, I think it's divorce."

Why doesn't he want a baby? "I'm a baby. I'm not prepared," he confesses. "And I'm not sure the world wants or needs a Spencer Pratt spawn."

That may be the first intelligent thing he's ever said.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag browse the kids section at Kitson to pretend to be considering having children and stir up lots of good celebrity gossip reports.

Four months after their (legal) wedding, Spencer says Heidi Montag is "trying to have a baby like it's going to buy a new pair of Louis Vuittons."

We're not sure what that means, but she says she's "ready" for kids.

"I think I was born ready," says The Hills star. "I'm very maternal."

Truly, she is. Heidi Pratt is a regular Scott Disick.

"I'm very loving. I would be the best mom ever," she continued.

"[He feels] not quite the same, but maybe he doesn't know he wants kids yet... He says that he never wants kids, but maybe I'll have a surprise for him."

Watch out, Spencer. Looks like she could be planning to go Rielle Hunter style and pull the goalie on you when you least expect it. Double bag it, man.

"The bitch is back" is one tagline MTV has used to promote the revamped version of The Hills, which returns on September 29 starring Kristin Cavallari.

Guess that edged out "Hilariously contrived drama is back."

It's hard to tell what's more fake, the boobs of Heidi Montag or her debate with Spencer over whether to have kids, but either way, there’s lots going on!

Not the least of which? The "return" of Kristin Cavallari, Laguna Beach rival of Lauren Conrad, who's now stepping into the footsteps of the retired LC.

And hitting on Justin-Bobby, as if that were remotely feasible.

Yes, that loser is still around. Audrina Patridge thinks she’s moved on, but may not be ready to see him with another girl. Especially one named Kristin.

“She’s the girl that’s going to stab us all in the back and doesn’t care,” Stephanie Pratt reads off cue cards, talking about Kristin's "return" (even though she was never around to begin with). “How can one person turn our lives upside down?”

Because MTV paid her a lot to stir up drama, that's how.

In Speidi Land, a certain bimbo is fake-pressuring her husband to knock her up, as we hinted above. That will be even harder for them to stage than their Cabo wedding, but we imagine they are up to the challenge.

Lastly, Lo Bosworth and the uber-annoying Stephanie Pratt are looking more plastic than ever. How psyched are you for The Hills to return in four weeks?

Check out the Season Five trailer below ...

The Hills Season Five Trailer

Move over, Al Roker. Another TV journalist has taken hilarious, cheap shots at Heidi Montag and sparked venomous a retort from her slimy husband Spencer.

Earlier this week, CNN's Anderson Cooper called the recent Miss Universe performance by Heidi - whoever she is - a "fresh new way to embarrass herself."

With a clip of the epic crap-fest playing in the background, Cooper said he doesn't know "who this person is, nor why she is pretending to be a singer, nor why anyone should actually listen to her, but apparently, she's famous." Point, AC!

In reference to Heidi thanking God after her performance, Cooper said that "I really don't think God had anything to do with this. If God had time to work on this production, if this is the best God can do, then we're all in trouble."

He also noted that Heidi could not remember the lyrics to her own song ... while lip-synching. Classic, and quite true. But Spencer Pratt was not amused.

Why let facts stand in the way of a good press release, right Spencer? Then again, he also compared her to Michael Jackson earlier this week. Sigh.

Here's Anderson Cooper's commentary on Heidi's "singing" ...

Anderson Cooper on Heidi