Heather Mills

From Britney and Kevin to the Tommy Lee-Kid Rock fight to that crazy lesbian Anne Heche, the spectacle of a public, bitter celebrity divorces sure is certainly one to behold. Here's The Hollywood Gossip's field guide to some of the major celebrities whose nuptials have unraveled before our eyes.

KEVIN FEDERLINE vs. BRITNEY SPEARS

He says: Not a lot. Because he has a good lawyer, and she says it all for him by parading around Hollywood clubs in no pants.
She says: He's "the biggest mistake she ever made" (and a stoner with no income).
Custody (of the kids): Currently 50-50, though FedEx is seeking a higher ratio of time with Sean and Jayden. Britney Spears' antics make that a distinct possibility.
Custody (of the fans): Kevin, we think. But only by attrition.

PAUL McCARTNEY vs. HEATHER MILLS

He says: She's got "personality issues," possibly code for "she used to be a high-priced call girl who serviced Arab arms dealers.
She says: The Beatles legend used to slap her around a little.
Custody (of the kids): Amicably shared, of daughter Beatrice.
Custody (of the fans): Paul by a wide margin across the Atlantic, but Mills won millions of fans stateside with her turn on Dancing with the Stars. A one-legged former hooker and "instructional sex tape" star, what's not to love?

COLEY LAFFOON vs. ANNE HECHE

He says: Anne Heche a frickin' nut!
She says: Coley Laffoon is a deadbeat who is addicted to porn, strippers and poker, as well as downloading sexual photos online.
Custody (of the kids): Bitterly contested, but split evenly, of son Homer.
Custody (of the fans): We gotta side with Laffoon, if only because he has no money and Heche had an affair with the equally-married James Tupper.

EMINEM vs. KIM MATHERS

He says: "I'd rather have a baby through my penis than get married again," Eminem said in 2002, after getting a divorce from Kim, who he was married to from 1999-2001. Note: He got married again. To Kim. In 2006. That's over too.
She says: His penis is small, doesn't work.
Custody (of the kids): Changes frequently.
Custody (of the fans): Eminem. Bitch crazy!

TOMMY LEE vs. KID ROCK

Lee (Pamela Anderson's husband for several years) says: Kid Rock is a wuss.
Kid (married to Pamela Anderson for three months in 2006) says: "Tommy Lee said some things that were extremely disrespectful to me."
Custody (of the kids): Tommy and Pam share custody of theirs 50-50. Thank goodness Kid Rock and Anderson did not procreate.
Custody (of the fans): Kid... but talk about a Rock and a head case!

ALEC BALDWIN vs. KIM BASINGER

He says: Kim is a manipulative liar who dedicates most of her live to making him miserable and not allowing him to see daughter Ireland.
She says: Alec and Saddam Hussein are pretty similar.
Custody (of the kids): Almost all Kim, especially after Alec infamously tore Ireland a new one on that gotta-hear-it-to-believe it voicemail.
Custody (of the fans): Alec Baldwin. Sure, he's got some personal issues. But watch this guy on 30 Rock and you just can't stay mad.

In a world of self-centered, spoiled celebrities, it's nice to see that Heather Mills isn't going the way of Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.

No, the ex-wife of Paul McCartney is completely grounded, lacking any air of self-entitlement. She just won't settle for anything under $100 million in the former couple's divorce case.

The Times of London is reporting that Mills turned down a $40 million offer - and the former Dancing with the Stars contestant won't budge on her demand for a large chunk of McCartney's billion-dollar net worth.

Lawyers in the case are wary of any settlements.

"It could well go to trial because they are both quite stubborn," one lawyer told the Times. "Five days is only a relatively short hearing, but then the issues are fairly straightforward and it was a short marriage."

But not short enough for Mills to realize how little she deserves, of course. Even Nicole Richie saw when she was beaten recently, pleading guilty in her DUI case and accepting jail time.

So get over yourself, you fake leg, attention-seeker. You've got plenty of money coming to you no matter what. And if you need more, there are always Heather Mills nude photos you can sell.

The Hollywood Gossip has learned to never say never when it comes to celebrity couples reuniting.

Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker taught us that lesson.

Now, the supposedly selfish, definitively handicapped Heather Mills is telling friends she'd actually like a second chance with Paul McCartney. Even - gasp! - if it costs her millions of dollars.

Such an admission came in a heart-to-heart with a close pal at the American Idol after show party in Los Angeles last week. The friend revealed: "She said she'd been devastated by the divorce and has become an emotional wreck.

"Heather doesn't care about the huge load of money coming her way. She'd much rather be happily married than rich and miserable."

This comes as a shock to us. It's like hearing that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would rather enjoy a quiet night alone than pose for every camera they see.

"She said she would gladly give back every penny for another shot at happiness with Paul," the source continued."She loved being married to him and it was the biggest regret of her life that things became so awful between them that divorce was the only option."

It looks like Dancing with the Stars may have truly changed Mills, as it has for so many celebs before her.

At one point during the bash at the Mondrian Skybar, one of LA's hottest nightspots, Heather was seen gazing mournfully out over the glittering skyline.

One surprised guest said: "She didn't sound like the total money-grabber we all thought she was. It's clear she still cares for Paul."

Wow. Next thing you know, word will spread that Paris Hilton's pussy is actually well taken care of.

Heather Mills is no longer Dancing with the Stars.

But she is loaded with cash.

Reports are coming in that Paul McCartney and his gold-digging ex-wife have buried what had been a very sharp hatchet, even going so far as to make plans - along with daughter Beatrice - for Sir Paul's 65th birthday in June.

The fact that Mills will be receiving $200 million in the couple's final divorce settlement may have helped matters along. This woman is more greedy than Dustin Diamond is horny.

Celebrity gossip photographers actually spotted the former couple smiling in each other's presence with little Beatrice around recently, a far cry from the rancor and bitter name-calling that had been the norm in months past.

The Hollywood Gossip is very disappointed by this development. Our news department relied on Mills/McCartney dustups like we relied on Britney Spears going insane.

We can only hope that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt don't stop staging loving pictures any time soon.

There wasn't very much gold on Dancing with the Stars.

As a result, we doubt Heather Mills cared very much when she was voted off the reality show last night. After all, what was she supposed to dig?

Of course, the one-legged wonder couldn't leave the spotlight quietly. After host Tom Bergeron and his sidekick Samantha Harris announced the results, the attention-seeing ex-wife of Paul McCartney actually pulled out a prepared exit speech.

In it, she thanked the academy (funny one, Heather!!!) and then set a new bar for condescending remarks by telling viewers that "once the dancers go out they're not paid." And promised her partner, Jonathon Roberts, that she would "try to get him some great work."

Just to remind the money-grubbing former call girl: a) these dancers rake in cash just to appear on Dancing with the Stars; we'd estimate at least 1ooK/each; b) Roberts is a well-respected, highly-trained professional dancer. The guy can make money on his own, thanks very much.

Look, Dancing Heather Mills, why don't you let Nude Heather Mills get back to what she does best: Bending over for money.

Heather Mills only has one leg.

But that doesn't stop her from having an abundance of opinions on various topics. And sometimes posting for naked photos.

For example, the woman with a losing attitude doesn't believe she should win Dancing with the Stars.

"I think that Apolo should win," Mills, referring to Apolo Anton Ohno, told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show Monday. "He has not got any dance experience â€" I mean, none of us have except Joey [Fatone] â€" and I think he is just amazing."

As for why she thinks the contest will pass her by, Mills, said: "Well, I was in the bottom two last week. You never go in the bottom two and then end up in the finals in the history of Dancing with the Stars."

That's the spirit, Heather! And you wonder why Paul McCartney prefers Sabrina Guinness.

"I am amazed that I got this far," said Mills. "I expected to go out way long ago. I am just thankful for all of the Americans who have actually voted for me. If I go out tonight I am totally expecting it, but [partner Jonathan Roberts and I] are going to put on a great performance."

For whatever reason, Seacrest also took the opportunity to ask Mills about the topic du jour: Alec Baldwin's fiery outburst toward his 11-year-old daughter Ireland Baldwin, which was captured on a voicemail.

"It is wrong to speak to your daughter like that, but I am not someone to go, 'Ooh, that is terrible, and we are all perfect, it's all wonderful,'" said Mills, who has a 2-year-old daughter, Beatrice, and is going through a divorce from the child's father, McCartney.

"I would never speak to my daughter like that, but what you have got to remember is that his daughter lives with Kim Basinger, and we have no idea what goes [on] behind closed doors. I respect Kim, I respect Alec for his incredible Animal Rights Campaign, and we have no idea what's going on."

All well said, Heather. We can't wait to see what you have to say about Jason Wahler next.

Joey McIntyre is a former New Kid on the Block. But he's known a lot better these days as one of the first season contestants on Dancing with the Stars.

Therefore, his opinion of current contestants does hold some weight. It's not like the guy is chiming in on the Larry Birkhead/Virgie Arthur custody battle.

With that in mind, here's what Joey Mac had to say about the chances of gold-digger Heather Mills in this year's show:

"At first I wasn't a big fan of her - I don't know her well - but it's obvious this was a good ploy for people to see another side of her. Paul McCartney's kind of untouchable and she kind of gave him the run around, so it doesn't seem like she has a lot of fans. Regardless, she's obviously game and going for it, so you've got to respect her for that."

We don't HAVE to respect her at all, Joey. As Stephen Colbert says, Mills and her fake leg are very much on notice.

Gold.

It can make a one-legged young girl turn to a life of prostitution, serving clientele such as Arab arms dealers as part of a high-end escort service.

It can also encourage a woman, later in life, to marry a billionaire music icon, only to divorce him and leave with up to $63,000,000 of his vast fortune.

Yes, Heather Mills rode her way into Paul McCartney's heart, then rode him at least once (they have a daughter), then rode off into the sunset with enough cash to buy a small country.

Paul may have moved on to Sabrina Guiness, but the damage has been wrought by Mills. The only question remaining: who's next on Heather the Harlot's agenda? 

Look at her staring at us, beckoning all the billionaires out there to see how that fake leg looks in the buff… and on the floor. Yes, a seductive, nude Heather Mills makes for an enticing package, and heck, it's bound to snare some sucker.

Fortunately, some rich gentlemen (such as Donald Trump and Kanye West) know better: keep your eye out for those out to dig some gold, and at the very least, if you're gonna go down that road, make them sign a prenup!

Heather Mills didn't think that denying her fondness for gold digging once was enough.

So she called up Ryan Seacrest on his morning radio show today and cried about it some more. Literally.

Tears of gratitude flowed from the one-legged Dancing with the Stars contestant when a former detractor actually praised her on air, suggested that Mills is due a collective apology after all the past criticism she has faced in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney.

Heather Mills heard the sentiment of a listener named Pat, who said:

"I'm ashamed that I had a judgment against her based on everything that you read in the newspapers, that she was after his money, and, come on â€" everyone was down on Heather Mills.

"But," Pat continued, "she has won me over, and I can admit it, that I had formed a bad opinion about her. I am embarrassed, actually. I would love to apologize to her. And America should apologize. People should apologize to her. She was wrongfully treated."

Was she really, Pat? Women everywhere are wrongfully treated by the behavior of desperate, pathetic females on ABC's The Bachelor. Heather simply sucks.

But apparently Mills doesn't see it that way. When Asked by Seacrest how the message from Pat made her feel, the British twit replied, "Ah, that makes me feel emotional. Hooo. That's great."

From there, the tears came like Jay Grdina during a typical day at work - especially when Seacrest commented that people had judged Mills "strictly on hearsay."

"Yes," she replied, "it's just amazing ... I had a choice ... I could have gone down ... excuse me, you got me going now ... sorry ... I could have gone done that path of lowering myself to everyone else's level and proven my innocence."

But, she said, "All I did was fall in love with somebody madly, and give up my life for seven years, you know. And then just to be vilified for it? I'm actually quite shocked. I've spent 14 years doing charity work. If I was a gold digger, I would be a very wealthy woman now. And I'm not."

We'll just see what Kanye West has to say about that!

Thanks to TVSquad.com for the following report ...

Shandi Finnessey and Brian Fortuna (Jive) - Shandi and Brian's Jive was good, but forgettable after all of the performances were finished. Their performance was fun and spirited, and Shandi wisely showed as much skin as possible. She can't compete with the other contestants' technical skills, but she's doing her best to corner the market on hotness. The judges were impressed with her progress and gave the couple a 21 (7, 7, 7).

John Ratzenberger and Edyta Sliwinska (Tango) - John and Edyta did a convincing job of portraying the intense persona of the tango, and John's acting skills may save him from elimination. We thought that he looked pretty good out there, and he seemed to complete some decent, dramatic moves. It was hilarious when John dragged Edyta to their place in front of the judges' table. The couple's character-driven performance was rewarded with a 20 (7, 6, 7). A fair score, given the level of difficulty.

Clyde Drexler and Elena Grinenko (Jive) - We're starting to believe that it is impossible to keep Clyde Drexler from smiling. The man was grinning throughout his entire segment, even after receiving the lowest score of the night. Clyde and Elena's Jive was entertaining, and Clyde looked more comfortable on his feet this time around. He has a long way to go if he wants to stick around, but he is gradually improving. The couple received a brutal 16 (6, 5, 5) from the judges, which seemed a little harsh. He probably deserved the lowest score, but a 16?

Laila Ali and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Tango) - Laila and Maksim had trouble coordinating their busy schedules, so Maksim brought in his brother Valentin to help maximize their practice sessions. Is Chmerkovskiy Russian for gorgeous? Valentin was even cuter than Maksim - why isn't he on the show? Laila was no slouch either. She had a beautiful hairdo, and brought her usual sexiness to the Tango. The couple's Bond-themed dance was excellent, but fell a little short of the heat generated during last week's Mambo. The judges agreed, and gave the couple a score of 21 (7, 7, 7).

Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne Hough (Jive) - Apolo and Julianne's Pulp Fiction homage was an absolute show-stopper. Their performance featured some challenging moves, and plenty of fast footwork. Apolo and Julianne always deliver crowd-pleasing performances. Perhaps it's their youthful energy. We would have placed this Jive among the top dances of the night, but the judges placed the pair in the middle of the pack with a 23 (7, 8, 8).

Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson (Tango) - Joey was worried about living up to the pressure of being one of the leading dancers, and he brought another fun, lively performance to the dance floor. Kym and Joey did a Star Wars-inspired Tango, complete with Princess Leia slave costume (on Kym, thankfully), lightsabers, and sound effects. The dance seemed more about showmanship than technical difficulty, but no matter. These two are consistently excellent, and are tons of fun to watch. Score: 24 (8, 8, 8), the first of many given out during the evening.

Ian Ziering and Cheryl Burke (Jive) - These two took a lot of criticism for a misstep that we barely noticed. Ian got over his anxiety about hip-swiveling and butt-clenching in time to perform a fast, exciting Jive. The judges held Ian and Cheryl Burke to a very high standard and claimed that Ian's misstep cost him a one-point deduction. The couple still got one of the night's highest scores, however: 24 (8, 8, 8).

Leeza Gibbons and Tony Dovolani (Tango) - Leeza was feeling a lot more confident about her dancing this week, which apparently had nothing to do with her partner. Is it just us, or was Tony a little mean to Leeza during the training sequence? Leeza was looser during her Tango, and brought some much-needed trampiness to her performance. She is still relatively slower and less flexible than her opponents, but the intensity of the Tango was definitely there. If Tony can reinforce his pupil's confidence, she may show even more improvement. Score: a surprising 24 (8, 8, 8).

Heather Mills and Jonathan Roberts (Jive) - Heather may not be a "real" celebrity, but she totally deserves to be in this dance competition. Her Jive had a great sock hop feel to it, and she wore yellow the right way this time. Carrie Ann noted that Heather doesn't have to include such difficult moves, and the fact that she does them anyway makes her a serious competitor. The couple earned a 24 (8, 8, 8).

Billy Ray Cyrus and Karina Smirnoff (Tango) - Billy Ray deserves credit for learning from his previous mistakes. He took someone's advice and pulled his hair back into a sleek ponytail, a look that suited his Tango. The song choice was confusing, however, and Billy Ray was obviously counting during the dance. The couple's performance did feature a few difficult moves, including a finale that had Billy Ray sliding under Karina's legs. Carrie Ann thought the dance "took balls," and Billy Ray kept his "Most Improved" title from last week. We don't think he's a front runner in terms of technical skill, but those hard-voting country fans might keep him around a while. Score: 21 (7, 7, 7).