Jake Pavelka traveled to St. Lucia with his three remaining women on The Bachelor last night. Despite the best efforts of Gia Allemand and a last-ditch do-over request by Ali Fedotowsky, he narrowed the field to just two lucky ladies:
Tenley Molzahn and Vienna Girardi.
How did he arrive at this painstaking decision? As always, THG endured Jake's trials and tribulations on The Bachelor to recap the action in our point system:
The "shocking return" of Ali Fedotowsky was the hyped event this week. She lies in bed with promotional pics of Jake that Mike Fleiss gave her when he wrote this. Or she printed online because she's a stalker. Either way, Plus 30.
Back in San Francisco, Ali pretends to lament her decision.
Jake often calls Gia "deep." What does that even mean? Minus 6.
Jake says he'd return to St. Lucia on a honeymoon as it has "a lot of meaning." Hard to top the place where you slept with three girls in one week, it's true. Plus 5.
Gia: "When I look into Jake's eyes, I get lost." Jealous. Minus 3.
A Fantasy Suite card is delivered, they hop in the tub in the suite and Jake says "Gia has grabbed on to my heart so hard." He could not be more awkward. Plus 4.
Minus 8 because we really should have added "take a sip every time Tenley says 'my ex'" to our Bachelor drinking game. We could've been so trashed last night!
Jake says he can't wait to watch his first sunrise with Tenley Molzahn. Plus 6 because with these two, that probably actually is what they were thinking about.
In the span of about like minutes Jake refers to Vienna Girardi as light, fun, immature, and "nurturing." LOL wut. This is your future wife, Jake?! Minus 17.
Vienna Girardi mauls Jake Pavelka. No wonder she's in the finale.
After inhaling Jake's face aboard a pirate ship, Vienna busts out her finest Wal-Mart lingerie and closes the suite door. Plus 3, because at least she goes for broke.
Re: the fantasy suite concept: Do girls put out when he's "dating" two others? We're guessing definitely Vienna and maybe Gia. No bone zone for Tenley. Even.
Twist alert! Ali calls Jake (cameras just happened to be rolling) and says she'll "forever" regret her decision. Until she stars on The Bachelorette, that is. Plus 7.
Jake's absurd reasoning for not taking her back: he's so much closer to the other three girls since Ali left. Dude, this happened like yesterday afternoon. Minus 14.
A half hour of filler ended the episode, but Plus 4 for the over-dramatic, music-free cut to commercial while Ali cried. That's when you know it's emotional!
TOTAL: +11. SEASON: +12. Roses: Tenley, Vienna. Gone: Gia, Ali (again).
Who should Jake Pavelka give his final rose to?