by Free Britney at

Growing up is hard to do, especially for kids with kids.

But for these hard-working, well-meaning Teen Mom stars (and Amber Portwood), it's something they must do. The question is whether they can pull it off.

While some cast members seem to be fast-tracked toward adulthood, others still seem stuck in neutral. You wonder when and if they'll come to their senses.

Let's break down last night's episode, THG style!

Maci and Kyle

Kyle King quits his job in Nashville to move near Maci. She repays him by dropping most of her classes. Plus 11 for love, Minus 12 for lack of long-term thinking.

Seriously, Maci Bookout, what's your major? Slacking? Eesh. Minus 8.

Ryan is, however briefly, more gainfully employed than Kyle! Plus 4.

Bentley's dad hires a lawyer to ensure his custody arrangement is legit. Even though he's adversarial, he does seem to care about parenting for once. Plus 2.

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by Free Britney at

Amber Portwood's brother is defending her after her daughter Leah was shown playing with Gary Shirley's condoms on last week's Teen Mom episode.

Shawn Portwood takes issue with the way the producers portray his sister, calling MTV "spineless soulless individuals" in a rant posted on his blog:

"First, I would like to congratulate Teen Mom star Gary Shirley for doing something he should have been doing for a while now, wearing condoms!" 

Amber, Gary, Leah Picture

"Second, my hat goes off to you MTV for getting a close up of the Trojan Magnums seen around the world," Shawn adds of Gary's brand of choice.

"Though they got a classic shot of my little niece playing with condoms; I wonder how it came about in the first place," he wrote, implying that the scene may have been - hope you're sitting down for this one - staged.

Shawn then went on to bash MTV for broadcasting the now-infamous incident where Amber Portwood attacked Gary Shirley. The network should have shelved the video, notifying authorities in private if at all, he suggested.

What, and give up huge ratings at Leah's expense? Puh. Lease.

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by Free Britney at

Gary Shirley always lives large, but usually just in the literal sense. We are saying he is morbidly obese, in case you did not catch the inference.

Earlier this summer, however? Wow.

The baby daddy of Amber Portwood went on an epic strip club bender, dropping FIVE GRAND on 11 hours of mediocre half-nude action.

Back Dat THANG Up!

Talk about a good use of five Gs.

The Teen Mom fixture absolutely made it rain at a 24-hour strip club in Miami, Fla., unleashing a constant stream of cash from 1 a.m. UNTIL NOON.

According to sources inside the club, Gary Shirley kicked off the evening in the VIP area, then moved the action over to the champagne room.

Amber and Leah would be so happy to hear it.

Check out TMZ's full gallery of the affair, if you care, but don't expect to see any of the human race's more attractive members. Just saying.

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by Free Britney at

The terrible twos have arrived on Teen Mom.

For our favorite young reality moms who try their best despite adversity (and Amber Portwood, for that matter), it's a difficult period for raising children.

How will Maci respond to the added burden placed on her shoulders by Ryan? Should Gary be under investigation himself? Why did Farrah get a dog?

Let's break down last night's episode, THG style!

Maci and Bentley Pic

Ryan and his parents keep talking about going to court and legally getting custody of Bentley. These peeps really need to quit stirring up drama. Minus 7.

Yes, Kyle living with Maci has to be awkward for Ryan, but wouldn't you want a nice, stable, employed guy around your kid? Just asking. Plus 4 for Kyle.

Ryan's mom says Bentley shouldn't have "random men" coming in and out of his life. Minus 6 for apparently ignoring the randomness of her own son.

Plus 5, too, because Bentley and Kyle are soooo sweet together.

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by Free Britney at

Halloween has arrived on Teen Mom. Tricks, treats and drama abound.

Our favorite young reality moms (and Amber Portwood) were all about pumpkins, costumes and such this week. But who came home with candy, and who received proverbial rocks in their sacks (a la Charlie Brown)?

Let's break down last night's episode, THG style!

Leah and Gary

Despite being jailed for domestic battery, etc., and being a total loose cannon, at least Amber's dedication to Leah can never be disputed. Oh, wait. Minus 9.

She said she hadn't seen Leah (living with Gary Shirley) because she can't drive, yet she clearly gets around fine whenever she chooses to. WTH? Minus 6.

Neither Amber or Gary go trick-or-treating with Leah. Minus 3.

The picture above, we have to admit, is quite sweet. Plus 5.

Amber's paying $644 a month for that place? Plus 4 for getting a good deal. Minus 4 for where she'll be living rent-free on Indiana taxpayers' dime soon.

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by Free Britney at

Life is stressful for the Teen Mom cast. They need calming influences.

Barney is not getting it done, let's just put that out there right now.

Granted, Farrah Abraham was going through some serious stuff and might have found the purple dinosaur particularly annoying at that moment, but the girl was clearly looking for more from her mother as well.

Let's break down that and the rest of last night's episode, THG style!

Farrah and Sophia Photo

As Farrah was en route to court to confront Sophia's paternal grandmother, her mom tried to relay a cute story about Barney. It didn't go well. Minus 5.

"You and your damn Barney talk, Mom," Farrah says, frazzled. "Why do I want to talk about a Barney? That doesn't calm me down." Indeed. Plus 3.

The case was dismissed! Plus 10 for Farrah, but Minus 6 for MTV, which now has to cook up another quasi-fake narrative for young Ms. Abraham.

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This week's episode of Teen Mom taught us to expect the unexpected.

Ryan Edwards didn't give us much to criticize at all, while Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra were thrust into the role of taking care of their parent.

Farrah Abraham and Amber Portwood, meanwhile, were doing battle to protect their daughters from bad influences - and at times from themselves.

How'd it score in our system? Let's break down last night, THG style!

Tyler and Butch

Butch is out of prison and ready to get his "freak on." Just what you want to hear if you're the teenage son. Minus 7, but Plus 2 for that unreal mullet.

By committing battery against wife April, Butch has a restraining order against him. That's not about to stop April from picking him up from jail. Minus 3.

Plus 9 for Tyler's maturity, intervening when the situation called for it, and enduring Butch's taunts about Carly's adoption. And the stench. Had to be bad.

Also showing maturity last night? Ryan Edwards. Plus 8, because you could just sense that a nasty exchange with Kyle King was coming. Not the case.

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by Free Britney at

Three of the four Teen Mom stars moved in with their significant others on last night's episode. The lone exception, Farrah Abraham, lost hers years ago.

Of course, while Amber Portwood deals with that boob Gary Shirley, Farrah is focused instead on her new boobs and modeling career, not relationships.

Let's break down last night's episode, THG style!

The Fair Farrah

On good terms this second, Amber and Gary move into a house. He's got a job doing "in-home health care." And apparently raiding people's kitchens. Plus 7.

No sooner does he proclaim "It's gonna be great," than a step in the house literally collapses under the weight of the moment. And Gary. Amazing. Plus 14.

His excuse: "pressed wood, ain't my fault." That's what they all say. Minus 2.

Before long, the squabbling begins, with Gary telling Amber, "Watch your mouth before I take Leah from ya." Producers? Fist-pumping. DCFS? Cringing. Wash.

Amber's brother, with whom they were supposed to meet up, warns, "It's gonna come back and bite you in the ass one day." More like every day. Minus 8.

Five words: Gary Shirley. Shirtless. Water park. Minus 12.

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Having children while basically still children themselves can be tough going, but Amber Portwood, Maci Bookout, Catelynn Lowell and Farrah Abraham are taking life one day at a time and making the best of their situations.

The (sometimes) fabulous foursome is back for a new season of Teen Mom on MTV. Let's break down last night's third season premiere, THG style:

Farrah and Sophia Picture

Farrah Abraham is working hard! She's in culinary school, waitressing and modeling to make ends meet. No plug for the most anticipated book of the year, though? Golden opportunity wasted there. Minus 3.

"Being a good mother is a full-time job too," she adds. Yes. Plus 5.

Not sure what's more ridiculous, the fact that Farrah claims she's getting plastic surgery on her chest "for her daughter's future," or the fact that she wrote "Here for Boobs" on a medical form. We'll call it Even.

Farrah wants a "C you can see." Plus 4, we begrudgingly admit, because she is a model and this may help her support her kid, but Minus 8 for MTV now glamorizing plastic surgery and glorifying teen pregnancy.

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Gary Shirley, baby daddy and sometime-lover of Amber Portwood, says he's firmly in the Teen Mom star's camp as she recovers from her hospitalization.

That he even has to clarify this says a lot about their relationship, but so be it. The way things went down June 14, it wasn't a foregone conclusion.

Shirley, the voice on the Amber Portwood 911 call that resulted after she allegedly wanted to take her life last week, takes some of the blame for it.

He denies cheating on her, but admits his "childish and immature" actions and comments over the years were wrong and he fully supports her now.

Gary Shirley and Amber Portwood Picture

In the wake of her suicide attempt, Gary took to his Facebook to speak out in support of Amber and reassure everyone that he’s always in her corner.

“I have made threatening comments before yes ... but the last time was a year ago,” Gary writes on his Facebook wall. “I have grown up since."

"I really realized how much it hurts a mother and I’m deeply sorry.”

“I re-watch this stuff it kills me to see things I say or do and just how childish and immature I look. I’m very pro-Amber,” Shirley says of Portwood.

A source says Gary is “trying to keep his mind off stuff with Amber by filling his time with friends” since she was released from the hospital.

After undergoing a 72 hour “psychiatric evaluation” at St. John’s hospital, Amber Portwood is currently recovering at home in Anderson, Ind.

[Photo: Fame Pictures]

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