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Teen Mom's return was anything but joyous for the girls involved, or even the voyeuristic viewers who typically take delight in watching them.

Anyone who claims the show promotes or glamorizes teen pregnancy and young motherhood? Watch and re-watch this depressing episode.

The trials and tribulations of Amber Portwood (whose life has played out in celebrity gossip circles) have been well documented, of course.

Maci Bookout, Farrah Abraham and Catelynn Lowell didn't exactly balance her out with positivity, though. The Season 4 opener was brutal.

Why? Find out in THG's official +/- recap!

Amber Portwood in Rehab

Let's start with Amber, who is sentenced court-ordered rehab for substance abuse / anger management / mental health and two years' probation.

Baby daddy Gary Shirley is, understandably, a bit thrown off when she starts POUNDING wine moments after arriving at his place. Minus 10.

"This is the first time I've had a drink because I just turned 21," she says. Minus 21, as that's obviously not true, and isn't a good reason anyway.

Amber needs the wine "to get the fact that I'm leaving for rehab off my mind." Somehow this doesn't bode well for rehab ... as we know. Minus 8.

"People wonder why I hit you in your f--king face. You're just a rude mean person and I'm the bitch for hitting you." - Amber to Gary. Plus 14.

Gary Shirley's 911 call plays: "She's wanting to hang herself and she said call the police so they can find my body in the garage." Minus 15.

Things ends on a hopeful note at least, with Amber and Leah's loving phone call and Gary accepting an invite to visit her in rehab. Plus 16.

Of course, we all know where Amber Portwood lives right now, so ... Minus 100.

Plus 5 for Gary's fashion choices, however. Couture at its finest.

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Tomorrow night, three oh-so lucky ladies will have the chance to compete for the heart of Teen Mom's large and in charge baby daddy, Gary Shirley.

The former fiance of Amber Portwood and father of adorable Leah will be guest starring on The Matty P Radio Hour Show at 8 p.m. Thursday night.

If you can bring yourself to DVR Vampire Diaries, this awaits:

Gary Shirley of Teen Mom

The show is hosting a dating competition to win the love of “America’s #1 Baby Daddy.” As long as you’re over 18, this man could be all yours. Swoon.

Email MattyPRadioHappyHour (at) yahoo (dot) com with the subject “Gary Date” to enter. All you need is a pic of yourself and why you deserve a date.

Wonder if Amber Portwood will sign up. In the meantime, tell us:

Gary Shirley: Would you hit it?

 

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On the season finale of Teen Mom, everything came to a head. What did Farrah Abraham decide about moving? How did Maci Bookout leave things with Ryan Edwards? Does Gary Shirley have a career as a recording artist?

All questions we may not fully know the answers to until the reunion special and perhaps beyond, but still. Absolutely edge-of-your-seat, gripping TV.

Let's break down the third season finale of Teen Mom, THG style!

Farrah Abraham on the After Show

Farrah celebrated Sophia's second birthday by putting her cooking skills to work on a cake. We don't mean to sound harsh, but ... maybe it's time for a second career path? Or a different one altogether? Thing looked rank. Minus 6.

At least she tried, though. For once. Plus 3.

The motherhood thing? Not her style! Farrah is going to "grow into my own person" and "become whole again" by ditching her daughter in Iowa and going to school in Florida. Sophia will feel so loved watching this in a few years. Minus 25.

She decided to poignantly drive around and look at places that reminded her of Derek ... the guy she broke up with and accused of stalking her, and whose parents want to take Sophia away from her. Totally realistic portrayal. Minus 11.

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Stop us if you've heard this before, but Teen Mom's Gary Shirley and Amber Portwood are over. Done. Broken up. Splitsville. Not getting back together.

While we believe that almost as much as when Jersey Shore's Sammi Giancola (we refuse to call her Sweetheart) says "I AM DONE" to Ronnie, Gary says he's positive that he's over his baby mama Amber for good this time.

The reality star bombed out a series of Tweets to that effect:

Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley Photo
  • I’m completely through w amber No more back n fourth sh*t. I got my precious baby u got your precious anderson men hope your sins r worth it
  • Hard to turn u away today, heading u cry was hard but your actions were terrible and this time there was no reason for what u did. No love.
  • Moving on I’m bout to kick it with honors with my last night til I get Leah back from grandmas. Thank u mom for everything.

Read into that what you will. It seems like he's implying that Amber Portwood is sleeping around with the men of Anderson, Indiana. Just a theory.

Later, he Tweeted, "I got a date tonight. With a girl in Indy… Where to take her? Just dinner lol a date plus I’ve been over this crap way to long."

So ... there you go. Gary Shirley has no love for Amber, tons of love for Leah and went out with some new girl. Who hopefully loves Aeropostale.

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On this week's Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham butted heads with her mom regarding Sophia, while Maci made a discovery about Bentley's paternal grandmother.

Making sure Amber didn't have to work too hard (heaven forbid, what would the world be coming to), Leah's grandparents did a heck of a job pitching in as well.

Catelynn and Tyler? They're still around too. No one knows why.

Let's break down last night's episode of Teen Mom, THG style!

Farrah Abraham Image

Farrah's plans to move to Ft. Lauderdale are shockingly still in effect. She was even accepted into a culinary school. Which one? Who knows, but Plus 4 because at least it required some degree of effort on her part.

She takes her parents out to dinner for her dad's birthday and unveils the present every father craves - she booked a family counseling session!! Crickets. Minus 7.

Farrah says the idea of being without Sophia is "hard on me." Ya think? Plus 5.

It's also "good that I spend more time on myself, because I need that." Don't we all. You can't use that as an excuse to shirk responsibility, though. Minus 6.

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On this week's Teen Mom, Maci Bookout signed back up for school, Farrah Abraham tried to do the same, and Amber Portwood was released from lockup.

Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra got into a tiff about him livin' de life, but ultimately made up and made out. It's all about priorities for the youngans.

Let's break down last night's episode of Teen Mom, THG style!

Hot Maci Bookout Pic

Maci decides to enroll in classes despite how "boring" they are. Plus 4.

Kyle breaks his kneecap in an apparent motocross accident. Minus 8 for the obvious pain, but Plus 10 because Maci didn't miss class for his birthday.

She did go to the salon, though, going "blonde and long" with platinum extensions. Plus only 2, because she looks good, but she already was so cute naturally, and this is an "I'm available at the club" kind of appearance.

"I don't work anymore." - Ryan Edwards. Did he ever? Minus 5.

The previews for next week show him - what else - partying. Hey, he's got time. But Plus 3 because Maci tells him point blank he won't have Bentley.

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On last night's Teen Mom, there were no major bombshells or blowout fights. Just a lot of family moments we can all relate to. Well, for the most part.

Clearly, Catelynn's family situation is unique, while Amber's entire existence is complete upheaval. But this episode was more about the little things for all.

In which case, bravo, MTV. Let's break down last night's Teen Mom:

Catelynn Lowell, Father

"I'm just excited to have one of my stable parents around again." - Catelynn Lowell. Minus 7 for the fact that the bar is set so low. We've arrived at the point where "stable" means non-incarcerated and relatively non-insane.

Plus 4, though, because at least Dave trusts Catelynn's judgment.

Despite not seeing Catelynn in four years, Dave, who's in Michigan for a job opportunity, proclaims Tyler a "good kid" and seems accepting of his daughter and where she is in her life nowadays. All in all, it could be worse. Plus 8.

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Is Maci Bookout losing it? She wants another baby? Seriously?!

We think, given that these episodes are taped SO far in advance (even by reality show standards), that either Bookout had a change of heart, or this whole missive was manufactured to give sites like THG something to talk about.

In which case, bravo, MTV. Let's break down last night's Teen Mom:

Maci, Bentley

When 19-year-old Maci told her she wanted another baby, Sharon's response was simple. Six words: Have you lost your damn mind? Plus 12.

Maci's reasoning: "Bentley goes away half the week, and I'm just sitting there bored. If I had another baby, I wouldn't be bored." Minus 5.

If she's bored, she could watch some shows - 16 & Pregnant or Teen Mom for example - to remind her how hard having a baby is. Plus 3.

Or re-enroll in the classes she dropped. Minus 8.

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Growing up is hard to do, especially for kids with kids.

But for these hard-working, well-meaning Teen Mom stars (and Amber Portwood), it's something they must do. The question is whether they can pull it off.

While some cast members seem to be fast-tracked toward adulthood, others still seem stuck in neutral. You wonder when and if they'll come to their senses.

Let's break down last night's episode, THG style!

Maci and Kyle

Kyle King quits his job in Nashville to move near Maci. She repays him by dropping most of her classes. Plus 11 for love, Minus 12 for lack of long-term thinking.

Seriously, Maci Bookout, what's your major? Slacking? Eesh. Minus 8.

Ryan is, however briefly, more gainfully employed than Kyle! Plus 4.

Bentley's dad hires a lawyer to ensure his custody arrangement is legit. Even though he's adversarial, he does seem to care about parenting for once. Plus 2.

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Amber Portwood's brother is defending her after her daughter Leah was shown playing with Gary Shirley's condoms on last week's Teen Mom episode.

Shawn Portwood takes issue with the way the producers portray his sister, calling MTV "spineless soulless individuals" in a rant posted on his blog:

"First, I would like to congratulate Teen Mom star Gary Shirley for doing something he should have been doing for a while now, wearing condoms!" 

Amber, Gary, Leah Picture

"Second, my hat goes off to you MTV for getting a close up of the Trojan Magnums seen around the world," Shawn adds of Gary's brand of choice.

"Though they got a classic shot of my little niece playing with condoms; I wonder how it came about in the first place," he wrote, implying that the scene may have been - hope you're sitting down for this one - staged.

Shawn then went on to bash MTV for broadcasting the now-infamous incident where Amber Portwood attacked Gary Shirley. The network should have shelved the video, notifying authorities in private if at all, he suggested.

What, and give up huge ratings at Leah's expense? Puh. Lease.

Gary Shirley Biography

Gary and Leah Shirley Gary Shirley stars on the MTV show Teen Mom. He is the ex-fiance of Amber Portwood, and the father of her daughter Leah, who is 2. He is... More »
Birthplace
Anderson, Indiana
Full Name
Gary Shirley
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