Donald Trump

Forget beating cancer, winning the Tour de France (oh, seven times) and preparing for the NYC Marathon, Lance Armstrong is in the news these days for who he may or may not be dating.

Namely, Ms. Ivanka Trump.

While recent rumors confirm these two are merely friends, we have to hear it from Donald Trump himself before knowing what believe. Fortunately, the real state mogul cleared it all up with Larry King.

"They talk," Trump said. "I don't think that would be for her and perhaps not for him, but he's a great guy but they are friends. I know that and they do talk."

Friends that talk. For Lance and Ivanka, that could mean nothing but a platonic relationship. For someone like Lindsay Lohan, of course, that still means some serious hitting of skins.

In the interview, which will air on Larry King Live tonight Trump talks about his daughter's potential suitors ("There is no man that is good enough for her"), along with how Ivanka's dates are greeted ("Usually with bodyguards, they beat him up").

The Donald even weighed in on the phenomenon that is Paris Hilton:

"Paris said she wants to build a brand just like Donald Trump. And I don't know if she's done it the same way but she is smart like a fox. People say, 'Oh, she's not smart, she's not this, she's not that.' She's done a very good job."

Actually, The Donald, Paris herself said she wasn't smart. Remember, Trumpy, money doesn't equal brains. Or happiness.

Take that, Martha Stewart! You don't have a line of suitcases now, do you?!?

We can imagine Donald Trump taking pleasure in such thoughts as he rolls out a new line of luggage and travel goods, part of the Donald J. Trump Signature Collection, naturally. It already includes shirts, suits and other merchandise.

The manufacturer, Badanco Enterprises, says in its press-release that the line will "enable consumers to travel and do business in comfort and luxury - Trump style," which appears to mean that lucky owners will have the Trump crest emblazoned all over their gear.

In related news, rumors of a luxury line of knee pads are circulating, so consumers can get down to business, Lindsay Lohan style.

Meanwhile, starting next Tuesday on the Golf Channel, Trump will be pimping out his Trump National golf course in Los Angeles for the network's reality series "The Big Break VI: Trump National." The reality series will pit men and women against each other in the usual series of challenges, along with emotional ebbs and flows, for a chance to compete with the world's best golfers.

That's golfers, Kevin Federline. Not slackers. You aren't eligible.

He may not look like he's having the best time, but Donald Trump is smiling on the inside. Not because he's watching Roger Federer dispatch Andy Roddick in the U.S. Open final Sunday afternoon, but because he marries models. Most recently, Melania Knauss (right), seen here with the D-Train at the National Tennis Center holding the couple's 5-month-old son, Barron. What an adorable little family.

At one critical point in the match, with Federer about to seize momentum, Trump (who recently axed Apprentice co-star Carolyn Kepcher) was overheard uttering at Roddick, "Andy, you're fired." Okay, that didn't happen... and the probability of Roddick caring, if it did, would be only slightly higher than the humor quotient of the above joke. Sorry for wasting your time with it.

Does it get any better than a fight between two egomaniacal, rich, reality television stalwarts?

Probably.

Nevertheless, the feud between Donald Trump and Martha Stewart has returned and caught our interest. Stewart is blasting Trump for firing former Apprentice sidekick, Carolyn Kepcher.

"Donald is out of control," Stewart said. "By the time he's finished, he will have fired everyone around him and there will be nobody left."

The Martha even went on to pretend to pity The Donald.

"Poor Donald will be sitting there on his little pedestal all by himself. He needs to be careful!"

The two self-involved, spoiled celebrities first butted heads in October 2005, when Trump blamed Stewart for pulling viewers away from his own Apprentice with a lame version of her own.

The feud came to a head in February, when Trump skewered Stewart in an open letter, blaming her performance for her show's failure, ending it with a warning:

"Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have!"

Wow. If only Dancing with the Stars could be this heated.

"I almost can't believe my long-time friend Donald Trump wrote it," Stewart said in a statement to People magazine at the time.

And we can't believe Suri Curise exists. These things happen.

Donald Trump is a man of the people. The rich, rich people who are willing to kiss up to the mogul.

Evidently, Carolyn Kepcher no longer qualifies as such. The real estate tycoon and star of The Apprentice just fired his right-hand woman.

"What I did was a good thing for Carolyn," he told The New York Post. "I'm doing something that's best for her. She's a terrific person."

Trump's terrific daughter, Ivanka, will take over Caroyln's role this season on the show.

While the newspaper reported that Kepcher is "devastated," she sounded upbeat in a statement that said they had "different visions for my future role in the company" and thanked Trump for being "an extraordinary boss and a great mentor."

Trump, however, claims Kepcher had turned into a "prima donna" who had become more caught up in promoting her own career than her work. Somewhere, Paris Hilton nodding in agreeance.

Wait, she has no work to ever speak of.

"Let's put it this way: She enjoyed the success of The Apprentice very much," Trump said.

The Donald, of course, is not one to tolerate self-promotion of any kind. Similarly, Ashlee Simpson hates when food goes to waste.

Here's irony for you: Paris Hilton referring to Lindsay Lohan as "firecrotch" ... when the crotch of that hotel heiress isn't exactly ice cold.

Here's MORE irony for you: Sitting next to your boss, Donald Trump, as he earns fame and fortune by uttering the phrase "You're fired!" ... and then hearing those words aimed in your direction.

Don't believe us? Just ask Carolyn Kepcher. The co-star The Apprentice and a long-time employee of the Trump Organization, has been let go. Or, well, fired!

"Donald and I had different visions for my future role in the company," Kepcher said in a statement. "Donald has been an extraordinary boss and a great mentor over the years, and I will always be grateful."

But don't worry, reality TV junkies, this move will have no bearing on the sixth season of The Apprentice, as the show originates for the first time from Los Angeles.

Ivanka and Donald Jr. will be joining the cast. It begins airing in January.

Awhile back, Donald Trump told the ladies on The View the following:

"I don't think Ivanka would [pose for Playboy], although she does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her."

That's more than a little weird, your Donaldness. We'll pretend it was never uttered as we sum up an interview with Ivanka from the September issue of Stuff magazine.

On how Donald differs as a boss and as a father:
"He's pretty much the same. My brothers and I are the real apprentices; we've been groomed our whole lives to do this. He made it very clear that if we didn't live up to what he thought was our potential, he would fire us…The idea of coming in at nine and leaving seven is not something I do. I work much harder than that."

On getting love advice from her father:
"He has very strong opinions â€" which I try not to listen to."

On Donald's preference of guys for Ivanka:
"He loves the athletes because he's always wanted to be an athlete. He's into guys' guys. (Gossip note: Hey, Nick Lachey is into guys' gals!) But when he starts talking about it, I stop listening."

On how Donald treats her boyfriends:
"He hasn't threatened bodily harm to any of the people I've dated. Well, as far as I know."

On her social life:
"I like to have fun with my friends and go out at night, but you're not going to find me dancing on top of tables or see me trashed outside of Bungalow 8."

No, no, same goes for Lindsay Lohan.