Coley Laffoon is the ex-husband of Anne Heche, who may or may not be addicted to strippers, porn and gambling, depending on who you...

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It feels like June 2007 again, with Anne Heche and Coley Laffoon trading barbs in the press, accusing each other of instability and laziness (respectively).

Some feuds are worth a second go-'round.

Laffoon is firing back after Heche's visit to The Late Show with David Letterman last night, in which she called him a lazy ass among other adjectives.

"I wish Anne Heche could see that public bullying isn't good for the soul or positive for her child. It's mean," lamented Laffoon on his Facebook page.

"After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out personal frustration on the father of her child on national television," added Coley, 35, in a bid to sound important.

No word on whether Coley Laffoon has his $3,700-a-month child support checks from Anne sent directly into his Poker Stars account, or if he prefers casinos.

He apparently works as a real estate agent, but you wouldn't know it from last night's interview, when Anne Heche was asked what her husband's "deal" is, and derided him for bragging about coaching their son's youth soccer team.

Moreover, describing what he does for a living, Heche said, "Dave ... Here's what he does. He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, 'Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!'"

During their contentious divorce, Heche alleged that Laffoon had no job and spent his time ogling naked babes, playing poker online and going to strip clubs.

He responded, of course, that the former lesbian was crazy. Solid argument.

Your move, Anne.

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If you were curious what Anne Heche really thinks of her deadbeat ex-husband, she left little to the imagination on The Late Show with David Letterman.

Asked what her seven-year-old son Homer's father is up to, or specifically, what his deal is, the Hung star said, "Well... can you say 'lazy ass' on TV?"

Heche and Coley Laffoon have been bickering ever since he filed for divorce in February 2007 after five years of marriage. She said he was a loser who watches porn and hits strip clubs, while he has called her mentally unbalanced.

Last June, they reached a settlement in which the actress agreed to pay him a $275,000 lump sum and $3,700 per month in child support for their son.

But Heche is still bitter. Asked by Letterman what Coley Laffoon does for a living, Anne said: "Dave ... he goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, 'Oh! I got a check from Anne! I got a check from Anne! Yay!'"

Wow.

Heche also scolded Dave for marrying girlfriend Regina Lasko: "I told you, don't get married. Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do."

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Their acrimonious divorce lasted nearly half as long as their marriage, but Coley Laffoon must be psyched. After all, a $515,000 cash settlement will buy him a heck of a lot of online poker games, lap dances, porn and other things he craves.

On Wednesday, Anne Heche's two-year divorce battle with Laffoon came to an end, with Heche paying the man a settlement much bigger than he deserves.

"Anne is relieved this case is over, and is looking forward to getting on with her life and career," her attorney, Daniel Jaffe, told People magazine.

According to the Los Angeles Superior Court documents:

  • The pair will share 50-50 physical and legal custody of son, Homer, 7.
  • Anne Heche agreed to pay Laffoon a $515,000 lump sum cash payment. He'll also get half of all their community property, including more than $700,000 worth of stocks and other assets.
  • Anne Heche keeps her multimillion-dollar home in Vancouver, B.C.
  • Coley Laffoon waived his right to claim any spousal support.

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Crazy Anne Heche has reached a divorce settlement with her ex-husband Coley Laffoon in which she must pay a lump sum of $275,000, along with $3,700 a month in child support for their six-year-old son, Homer.

A judge also ruled that she must pay 75 percent of Homer's private-school tuition. They agreed to split the cost of any extracurricular activities.

The two wed in 2001. Prior to that, Anne Heche liked girls. Laffon filed for divorce in February of this year, citing irreconcilable differences.

Soon after, Heche accused him of frequenting strip clubs, watching porn, being addicted to online poker and being a deadbeat dad in general.

Well, he's got plenty of money to double down with now!

The dirtbag fired back in court papers, saying she's insane and her "credibility should be called into question as a result of her mental instability."

Hard to argue with you there, Coleman Laffoon.

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From Britney and Kevin to the Tommy Lee-Kid Rock fight to that crazy lesbian Anne Heche, the spectacle of a public, bitter celebrity divorces sure is certainly one to behold. Here's The Hollywood Gossip's field guide to some of the major celebrities whose nuptials have unraveled before our eyes.

KEVIN FEDERLINE vs. BRITNEY SPEARS

Britney Spears, Family

He says: Not a lot. Because he has a good lawyer, and she says it all for him by parading around Hollywood clubs in no pants.
She says: He's "the biggest mistake she ever made" (and a stoner with no income).
Custody (of the kids): Currently 50-50, though FedEx is seeking a higher ratio of time with Sean and Jayden. Britney Spears' antics make that a distinct possibility.
Custody (of the fans): Kevin, we think. But only by attrition.

PAUL McCARTNEY vs. HEATHER MILLS

He says: She's got "personality issues," possibly code for "she used to be a high-priced call girl who serviced Arab arms dealers.
She says: The Beatles legend used to slap her around a little.
Custody (of the kids): Amicably shared, of daughter Beatrice.
Custody (of the fans): Paul by a wide margin across the Atlantic, but Mills won millions of fans stateside with her turn on Dancing with the Stars. A one-legged former hooker and "instructional sex tape" star, what's not to love?

COLEY LAFFOON vs. ANNE HECHE

He says: Anne Heche a frickin' nut!
She says: Coley Laffoon is a deadbeat who is addicted to porn, strippers and poker, as well as downloading sexual photos online.
Custody (of the kids): Bitterly contested, but split evenly, of son Homer.
Custody (of the fans): We gotta side with Laffoon, if only because he has no money and Heche had an affair with the equally-married James Tupper.

EMINEM vs. KIM MATHERS

He says: "I'd rather have a baby through my penis than get married again," Eminem said in 2002, after getting a divorce from Kim, who he was married to from 1999-2001. Note: He got married again. To Kim. In 2006. That's over too.
She says: His penis is small, doesn't work.
Custody (of the kids): Changes frequently.
Custody (of the fans): Eminem. Bitch crazy!

TOMMY LEE vs. KID ROCK

Lee (Pamela Anderson's husband for several years) says: Kid Rock is a wuss.
Kid (married to Pamela Anderson for three months in 2006) says: "Tommy Lee said some things that were extremely disrespectful to me."
Custody (of the kids): Tommy and Pam share custody of theirs 50-50. Thank goodness Kid Rock and Anderson did not procreate.
Custody (of the fans): Kid... but talk about a Rock and a head case!

ALEC BALDWIN vs. KIM BASINGER

He says: Kim is a manipulative liar who dedicates most of her live to making him miserable and not allowing him to see daughter Ireland.
She says: Alec and Saddam Hussein are pretty similar.
Custody (of the kids): Almost all Kim, especially after Alec infamously tore Ireland a new one on that gotta-hear-it-to-believe it voicemail.
Custody (of the fans): Alec Baldwin. Sure, he's got some personal issues. But watch this guy on 30 Rock and you just can't stay mad.

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First, it was strippers and porn. Then gambling and choking of the proverbial chicken.

Now it's a footstool, rugs and a king-size bed that have taken center stage in the divorce case of Anne Heche and estranged buffoon Coley Laffoon.

In documents filed in L.A. Superior Court, Coleman "Coley" Laffoon accuses Anne Heche of taking a number of items - including the master bedroom and yoga-room rugs - from the L.A. home they share.

Under the terms of a judge's temporary order, they alternate use of the house they share whenever Heche is in L.A. That's about as normal as Britney Spears' relationship with her mom.

Coley Laffoon is now asking that the court order the actress to return the property and prohibit her from removing any more items.

Laffoon also alleges that when he returned to the home July 1 and found the furniture missing, he "discovered that [Anne Heche] had gone into my closet and ripped the buttons off of 19 of my shirts and removed some of my pants."

As crazy as Anne Heche clearly is, come on man. Who needs pants when you just sit around and download nude celebrity photos online and ... well, you know.

You know what we're saying, right, Kevin Blatt?

Anne Heche denies Laffoon's claims, and says that all the items she took - her list includes four pillows from Bali, pink bedding and a "picture of saint" - were hers.

"All of the furniture, furnishings, artwork, etc. that was acquired during marriage and paid for with funds earned during the marriage remains at the home," she says in court papers.

The furniture fracas comes weeks after a judge ruled the former couple's 5-year-old son Homer will live with his loser father in L.A. while Heche films Men in Trees in Canada.

He will have alternate weekend visits with Anne Heche, a one-time and possibly future lesbian, while she shoots the ABC show.

Laffoon, 33, a former videographer who married Heche in 2001, filed for divorce in February, triggering a war of words and custody dispute.

He has questioned Heche's lack of parenting and sanity, and accused the actress of resorting to lies to win custody of - and destroy his relationship with - their son.

Heche, who is dating her Men In Trees co-star, James Tupper, has defended her parenting and accused Laffoon of making outrageous financial demands.

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Who knew beating off would one day pay off.

An online porn company exec is offering a load of advice to wacky Anne Heche's estranged, whack-happy husband, Coley Laffoon: Stop getting busted, jackass!

TMZ has obtained a letter to Laffoon by PureVanilla.com Vice President, Kevin Blatt, explaining how our man Coley (below, left) might better address his "hobby" in the future.

Kevin Blatt could be described as a poor man's David Hans Schmidt. Blatt is best known as the gentleman who brokered the Paris Hilton sex tape deal and other celebrity porn agreements. He's also the mind behind the upcoming reality TV show, Virgin Territory.

But now, his focus is Coleman "Coley" Laffoon, the sap who married Anne Heche and finds himself in a custody fight in which his propensity for beating the meat is oft-discussed.

Here's Kevin Blatt's letter to Coley Laffoon:

We understand where you are coming from. So you looked at a little porn? Who doesn't? Heck, if Anne Heche were the judge, ANYONE looking at porn could be considered a "porn addict with compulsive masturbation problems."

Well, we know that's not true about you. For innocent guys like yourself, THE CRIME WASN'T LOOKING - THE CRIME WAS GETTING CAUGHT!

We're prepared to offer you something to protect you privacy - A PureVanilla.com Gold Card. With it you can join a ton of sites without anyone ever finding out - the website names don't show up on your credit card statements, and the websites never have access to your personal information - so nobody will find out what you're doing.

You are completely anonymous! It's perfect for celebrities who need privacy but want to look at porn (Charlie Sheen, you listening?) PureVanilla.com is the only company that can offer privacy protection on every transaction you make.

What do you say, Coleman? Wanna look at more porn (without getting caught)??

Sincerely,
Kevin Blatt

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The son of Anne Heche will live with his father, Coley Laffoon, in Los Angeles while the actress works in Canada, a judge ruled in the strange actress' bitter divorce case.

Under the temporary arrangement, Anne Heche, who had asked to have 5-year-old Homer live with her and attend school in Vancouver, will have alternate weekend visitation rights while the ABC show shoots.

When she returns to Los Angeles after filming ends, she and her estranged husband, Coley Laffoon, will have joint custody pending the outcome of their divorce trial.

Men in Trees, which stars Heche and her current boyfriend, James Tupper, begins filming in Canada in mid-July and will wrap up around next March.

The custody arrangement was approved by the Superior Court judge in a closed-door hearing Monday, according to lawyers in the case.

"Coley Laffoon is pleased with the result of the hearing," his attorney, Jon Summers, tells People, adding that Laffoon was awarded an undisclosed amount of child and spousal support.

"Homer is going to remain in Los Angeles and attend school here."

Laffoon, 33, filed for divorce in February, triggering a brutal custody dispute. He has questioned Heche's sanity and parenting skills, accusing the actress of resorting to lies to win custody of and destroy his relationship with their son.

Someone's gotta get Coley and Alec Baldwin together for some drinks.

The former videographer, who says he was making just $6,000 a year when he quit his job to take care of Homer, sought primary custody and at least $33,000 a month in support, according to court papers.

Heche, who has defended her parenting, has claimed he was actually seeking $45,000 a month and that his cravings for strippers, poker and masturbating to online porn kept him from properly raising Homer.

Well, those are some concerns. Talk about a rock and a hard place! And to think we thought Jayden James Federline had some screwed up parents!

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Incensed by recent rumors about his parenting ability, Coley Laffoon would like to take this opportunity to beat off. Outrageous allegations from Anne Heche.

Heche's soon-to-be-ex husband is out to set the record straight in their ongoing custody battle. First order of business? Establishing that he's no chicken-choking addict.

Second point: Anne Heche is just plain nuts!

One of the weirdest celebrity custody battles got even crazier today, when Coley Laffoon filed a response to Anne's allegations - that he is addicted to poker, strippers and masturbating to Internet porn.

In the documents, Coley Laffoon admits that he has occasionally checked out a few XXX sites, but only "when we were together."

Neither elaborated as to whether Coley prefers more tasteful Playboy-style spreads, such as the new one featuring a nude Amanda Beard, or kinkier stuff.

Anyway. Coley Laffoon says in response to his ex's remarks that it's Anne Heche who is certifiably insane - as publicized in her own autobiography titled... "Call Me Crazy."

Sorry to break this news, Britney Spears. We know you wanted to call your long-awaited autobiographical tell-all by that very same name.

Coley Laffoon claims that in the book, Heche "describes how she went to Fresno by herself after taking one pill of ecstasy, because she received a message from God that a spaceship was going to be meeting her there and taking her away."

Okay, we'd like to apologize to Britney Spears. Not even she can be considered in the same league as Heche. We pity you, James Tupper, even if you're just in it for ratings.

The jabs continue throughout the documents, with highlights including accusations of drunken arguments, manipulation, lies and strip club visits. No elaboration on whether Laffoon ever visited any of the clubs Joslyn Noel Morse performed at.

We can only hope that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag actually make it to the altar... because their divorce battle would be something to behold.

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Coley Laffoon says Anne Heche is insane.

Now, the former lesbian has allegations of her own.

Firing back in her divorce case, Anne Heche has asked for full custody of her son, Homer, and claims Coley Laffoon, her ex-husband, craves porn, poker and money.

Anne Heche says in court papers that although Laffoon claims he's this nice stay-at-home dad, he actually leaves the 5-year-old "with nannies and babysitters, while he plays ping-pong, backgammon and poker and looks at Internet porn."

Ah, sweet memories of country star and Dancing with the Stars competitor Sara Evans and her perverted, cheating husband, Craig Schelske.

"He holds a poker game at his home every Thursday night and allows Homer to participate," the Men in Trees star says in a L.A. Superior Court filing released Thursday.

She adds that Coley Laffoon bragged to cast members of her show, taped in Vancouver, that he "knew each strip joint in town."

Heche asks the judge to grant her sole legal and physical custody of their son, to give Laffoon visitation, and to deny his request for support.

In what is shaping up to be a rift along the lines of what Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are going through, the judge can expect arguments from each side that the other parent is psychologically unfit.

In his court filing last week, Coley Laffoon, 33, said that Anne Heche, 37, who's now with co-star James Tupper, demonstrates "bizarre and delusional behavior."

"I have serious concerns about whether she is psychologically capable of caring for Homer for an extended period of time,"says Laffoon, who filed for divorce in February.

THG NOTE: Only Anne Heche would marry somebody named Coley Laffoon. It just fits, for reasons we can't explain. Much like Kellie Pickler dating an "Eskimo" named Jordin Tootoo.

Laffoon, a former videographer, says he quit a $6,000-a-year job to take care of Homer, and is seeking primary custody and at least $33,000 a month in support.

Anne Heche claims that he's actually seeking $45,000 a month.

Laffoon's lawyer, Jon S. Summers, says "any suggestion that the statements were financially motivated is not only false, it's obscene."

In court papers, Laffoon writes that he is entitled to child and spousal support "in the amount sufficient to maintain the marital standard of living and child support consistent with (Heche's) income."

Here's hoping he joins the ranks of Kevin Federline and other deadbeat ex-spouses across this great nation.

Coley Laffoon Biography

Coley Laffoon is the ex-husband of Anne Heche, who may or may not be addicted to strippers, porn and gambling, depending on who you... More »
Full Name
Coley Laffoon
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