Brody Jenner

On Tuesday night's season premiere of The Hills, Kristin Cavallari made her presence felt early and often. Amazing what huge paychecks and scripts can do. Meanwhile, Spencer put a deposit on a house without telling his duck-lipped plastic wife.

Below, The Hollywood Gossip staff reviews Kristin's first episode of MTV's long-running "reality" TV series and awards and deducts points as it sees fit ...

The last-season-in-review montage showing Lauren Conrad departing airs, with Kristin as the show's new narrator. That's cold $h!t, MTV. Cold. Minus 2.

The girls sit around, reading cue cards and giving us the 411 on Kristin Cavallari, who they've just been informed will be on The Hills ... and will be their new friend, apparently. Hey, at least their disdain is for real. Plus 5.

Why would Spencer assume Kristin would go after Justin-Bobby, who looks homeless and by all accounts does not bathe, of all the people at the party? What about Frankie Delgado or Sleazy T? This whole scenario is so ridiculous. Minus 16.

Plus 9 for the obligatory Brody Jenner shirtless and sleeveless shots, and Plus 2 more because Jayde Nicole shows no signs of Joe Francis whomping on her.

Newlywed Heidi Montag says her goal in life is to keep her husband happy. Spoken like a true feminist. Cook, clean and break out the knee pads, Heidi. Minus 5.

Kristin to Audrina: "Your sidekick is yappin' her mouth at me!" Ten seconds into the season and she already knows the role of Stephanie Pratt. Plus 4.

LMAO moment: What in the effing hell is Spencer wearing when he and Heidi pretend to go house hunting? Why are his jeans tucked into his boots? Minus 1.

Stacie the bartender calls Audrina a stage-five clinger. Plus 2 for Stacie's unexplained, contrived appearance on the show, which is not even attempting to seem real at this point, and Plus 2 more for the use of Wedding Crashers quotes.

Even Kristin's voice sounds fake, like she's trying too hard to sound overly dramatic on her "date" with Justin-Bobby. Give us a freaking break. Minus 3.

Spencer puts a deposit down on a place without telling Heidi, who hates it. The more things change, the more they stay the same (and obnoxious). Plus 12.

Fittingly, the quote of the night goes to Kristin Cavallari: [on being a Capricorn] "I'm stubborn ... organized ... I have the BEST bed." Words fail us. Even.

TOTAL: +9! The Hills is what it is. If you can get past how obviously staged it all is, there's still a lot of drama and entertainment value to be enjoyed.

Reality TV's most overpaid airheads (and that's saying something) return to MTV tonight as The Hills kicks off its new season. Or "bonus episodes" of the current season five. Whatever you want to call it, it's back at 10 p.m. EST.

The City follows at 10:30 p.m. EST.

In preparation for the return of its contrived cash cow, the network has released a slew of promotional images of the cast. Some are older pictures, but most are new and feature stars who will now be playing new and/or bigger roles.

Specifically, Kristin Cavallari joins the cast and pretends to be interested in Justin-Bobby to piss off Audrina Patridge. Also, Stacie the bartender is apparently getting her own promotional photos now. This is "reality" TV at its finest.

Click to enlarge the pictures below. Who's your favorite Hills star?

Brody Jenner's girlfriend Jayde Nicole is suing Joe Francis for $1 million over the she-said, sleaze-said nightclub brawl in Hollywood last month.

Jayde and Brody claim that Joe roughed up Jayde outside Guys & Dolls after she poured a drink on him. Joe denies he attacked the Playboy model.

Nicole doused Joe in booze supposedly to discourage him from getting too close with her friend Abbey Wilson, who also happens to be Francis' ex.

Francis maintains he may have "accidentally grabbed" Jayde Nicole's hair out of surprise when she tossed her drink at him, but that this was the extent of physical contact he had, while Jenner just started wailing on him for no reason.

Joe has threatened to sue Brody Jenner for defamation. Ha.

But from Jayde Nicole's perspective, as stated in the suit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, here's what went down with the Girls Gone Wild honcho:

"In an intoxicated, uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis physically attacked plaintiff Nicole by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her, then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground like a rag-doll."

Ouch.

Who's telling the truth? Who's a complete scumbag?

The model wants $1 million, plus punitive damages, to compensate her for a range of injuries, including a "black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, emotional distress and humiliation."

Taking time out from planning the bachelor party of Lamar Odom, who's set to marry Khloe Kardashian this weekend, Francis released this statement:

"Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar."

"Her prior statements about the incident are not only slanderous and defamatory, but actionable... The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word 'respect' above her vagina... for which we all know she has none of."

Guy can never resist a good dig. Reports say surveillance video may actually back up Francis' account of what happened that night, but stay tuned.

Whose side are you on?

The epic nightclub melee from last week that pit Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole against Girls Gone Wild sleaze ball Joe Francis was caught on surveillance video.

Jayde claims she threw a drink in Francis' face, only to have him kick and punch her. Joe says after the drink incident, he grabbed her hair but that was it.

According to sources, Francis may be in the right.

The video at Guys and Dolls in West Hollywood shows Jayde Nicole throwing a drink in Francis' face, and then Joe grabbing her hair as he turned around.

Jayde falls to the ground but Francis never appears to lay another hand on her, although she was trampled in the ensuing melee that broke out.

SLEAZE SAID, SHE SAID: Could Joe Francis actually be telling the truth?

The fight is said to have started because Joe was hitting on his ex, Abbey Wilson, too aggressively for her friend Jayde's taste. Jayde stepped in.

Accounts of what happened after that differ, but all parties were ejected from the club, Brody Jenner punched Francis in the face and was tasered.

Jayde filed a police report alleging Francis repeatedly hit and kicked her, and there are rumors that Joe is coaching Abbey Wilson to back him up.

But it may all be moot, as sources say the tape may not support Jayde's claim of assault at the hands of Francis. The case is under investigation.

Whose side are you on?

"I'm the victim." - Joe Francis

Yes, the put-upon Girls Gone Wild founder is trying to paint himself as a sympathetic figure in the aftermath of the epic nightclub melee the other night that resulted in words - and blows - being exchanged with Brody Jenner.

"Brody hit me in the face," Francis says of the incident, which took place outside the Hollywood nightclub Guys and Dolls and ended with Jenner being tasered.

Jenner says Francis kicked and punched Jayde Nicole, his Playmate girlfriend. This happened, according to witnesses, after she threw a drink in Francis' face.

She did this because in her opinion, Joe was paying too much attention to his ex (and her BFF), model Abbey Wilson. But Francis says he didn't hit anyone.

He "may have accidentally grabbed [Nicole's] hair" as he was turning around after having a drink poured on him, Francis told E! News, but that was the only contact he had with anyone. He says that surveillance footage will back him up.

Joe Francis Interview

"Someone shoved me from behind, then hurled a drink at me, glass and all," poor Joe Francis said after the fact. "I turned to see who that was, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, with Brody Jenner ripping at my shirt."

"The security guards told me that they saw the whole thing, and apologized to me for the trouble. They even offered me a new Guys and Dolls T-shirt."

Security was helping Francis to his car when he says Brody Jenner "cold-cocked" him. At some point during the ensuing rumble, someone took a taser to Jenner.

Francis says he's considering legal action against Jenner for the "false, outrageous, and slanderous" accusation (via Twitter) that Francis pummeled Jayde Nicole.

"I've never hit a girl in my life," Joe says, "and the accusation disgusts me."

But, since he couldn't possibly take the high road without getting in a sleazy dig, Joe says Brody has the "smallest penis in Hollywood" and that only a low caliber person "dates a girl with the word respect tattooed above her vagina."

She really does. Photos of Jayde Nicole naked prove this.

Whose side are you on?

Brody Jenner and his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate of the Year 2008 Jayde Nicole, apparently got into an epic fight outside of Guys and Dolls this morning.

Not with each other. It was both of them against the slimy Joe Francis.

Here's how it went down, according to Brody: he and Jayde were at the club celebrating his birthday when Jayde saw Joe hitting on an ex, "unrelentingly."

An ex-girlfriend of Francis', that is, but one Jayde Nicole and Brody know, and felt Joe was harassing. Jayde then stepped in and threw a drink on Francis.

Francis responded by pulling Jayde's hair, smacking her in the face and shoving her to the ground, where he proceeded to kick her. What an a$$hole!

Security broke it up and Francis was dragged off, but Brody was irate. He started yelling at Francis and trying to get at him until both men were ejected.

We can only cross our fingers that The Hills was being filmed at the time.

Joe Francis allegedly beat up Jayde Nicole at a club early this morning.

Outside the club, Brody tried to get back in to check on Jayde but security wouldn't let him. Jenner then saw and got a clear shot at Joe Francis, punching him in the face. Someone then tasered Brody and he collapsed to the ground.

Francis left the scene, where the cops came, but no one was arrested.

Jayde Nicole, who has a black and blue cheek, a swollen face, a bruised left rib and a sore lower abdomen, says she will press charges against Francis.

Brody Jenner took to (what else) Twitter to speak out this morning: "Joe Francis beat up my lady for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her. what does that say about him. you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl??"

"Joe Francis is a piece of sh!t. Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!"

No arguments here. Hey, he was there once before.

We've already wished Hayden Panettiere a happy 20th birthday.

Now it's time to wish Brody Jenner a happy 26th day of birth!

After all, what's not to love about Brody Jenner?

He's hot. He surfs. He's always similing. He used to be best friends with Spencer Pratt but that bromance ended. He dated Nicole Richie, Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad before hooking up with Playboy Playmate of the Year 2008 Jayde Nicole.

He is famous for pretty much no reason aside from being Bruce Jenner's son and the women he's dated. The dude is even the stepbrother of Kourtney, Khloe and Kim Kardashian, further elevating his profile by virtue of his doing nothing.

Here's a 26-photo tribute to today's birthday boy ...

The once-tight friendship between Audrina Patridge and Brody Jenner is estranged, as we know, after her hookup with him and ensuing feud with Jayde Nicole.

But believe it or not, the once inseparable Brody Jenner-Lauren Conrad duo is no longer attached at the hip, either. LC has distanced herself from that crew.

"I haven't seen much of her since she left the show," he admitted to E! recently. "I ran into her out and about a week ago just by chance, but that's it."

"She's off somewhere. Uh, Indonesia? I don't know, maybe on her honeymoon?"

Lauren is happily dating Kyle Howard, but there is no engagement we know of.

Guess that's his way of saying he has no clue what she's up to. We know Lauren has been busy with her book tour, but she apparently hasn't been texting.

As for Kristin Cavallari, who will be replacing Lauren Conrad on The Hills this upcoming season (and who Brody also used to date), she's shaking things up.

"Kristin's obviously a little bit more opinionated, and she comes in there and likes to stir up the pot," Brody Jenner says. "Lauren is much more docile and she likes to just let things cruise by, to roll with it. It's a different kind of energy."

With all the fighting that goes on among the Hills regulars, will there ever be peace and quiet for the bickering bunch? Maybe. But with who?

"There has definitely been some reconciliation," Brody said. "I can't tell you who it was with, but there is some drama that has been put to an end."

As fans of The Hills know, Kristin Cavallari is joining the cast this fall to stir up trouble. But Brody Jenner tells TV Guide Magazine not to expect any drama between himself and Cavallari, despite the fact that they used to date.

“Kristin and I have been friends for years and years and years,” he said at the launch for the new OP ad campaign in Los Angeles on July 7. “We used to date back in the day, and we have kept very close as far as friends go, so she’s great. ”

That doesn’t mean everyone gets along as amicably.

“You ever watch Laguna Beach?” asks Brody Jenner with a chuckle, referring to the show that starred Kristin and Lauren Conrad. “You know what she’ll bring.”

Missing, of course, from the next installment of the MTV reality soap is its original narrator, Lauren Conrad. Brody Jenner admits he misses LC big time.

“It sucks without Lauren,” he says. “It’s a bummer. The Hills isn’t The Hills without Lauren, in my opinion. But we do what we do and just continue on."

"She’s really enjoying her time off right now, and spending time with her boyfriend, and hanging out at the beach and relaxing. She certainly deserves it!”

The hotness that is Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole. [Photo: Fame Pictures]

With LC out of the picture, it seems Kristin Cavallari's big nemesis will not be Jayde Nicole, Brody's current girlfriend, but co-star Audrina Patridge.

Jayde Nicole is quick to praise Kristin, actually, and says the new season is The Hills times a thousand: "What we filmed so far is absolutely insane.”

“Kristin doesn’t get along with Audrina. I don’t really think anyone on the show gets along with Audrina,” Jayde, who also hates on Audrina, said.

“I think it has something to do with Kristin coming into LA all of a sudden, and everyone just welcomed her. So maybe Audrina’s jealous of that.”

Whatever the reason, the two are clearly not big fans, as evidenced by The Hills preview featuring Kristin screaming "You f*%ked with the WRONG girl!"

Team Audrina or Team Kristin?

Lauren Conrad has left the building, leaving Speidi to rule the roost.

But it looks like yet another Hills feud may be here to take its place.

Brody Jenner has been attempting to end the Twitter-initiated drama between his girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, and fellow Hills costar Audrina Patridge.

Unfortunately, his efforts failed.

"I've tried, trust me," the reality hunk told E! News last night at the launch of the new OP campaign at Mel's Diner in West Hollywood. "I've put a crowbar to it, and that doesn't work. So, not too sure if there's any hope, but we'll see."

It doesn't sound like Jayde Nicole has any intentions of patching things up with Audrina. "Our drama is real," Jayde said, clearing up any confusion on how she feels.

"I really don't want to film with her, to be perfectly honest."

Brody has made it clear his feelings lie with Jayde, and Audrina Patridge is back with Corey Bohan. But still, there is no love lost between the ladies.

One person Jayde can't get enough of, however? Brody's ex-girlfriend Kristin Cavallari, who was brought on the show to replace the retiring Conrad.

"I love her," the Playboy model said. "She's a supersweet girl, she's really cool, she's down to earth, and she just doesn't care what people say."

"She doesn't take crap from anybody, and I definitely think she will be good for the show. Just from the couple of things we've filmed so far, it's been insane!"

"I've been like, 'Can you please put this episode together so I can watch it?'"

In fact, Brody Jenner hasn't come between the gals: "So far, so good," Jayde said. "But it's only been a couple of weeks, so I guess we have yet to see!"

Whose side are you on, Team Audrina or Team Jayde?