We've recapped Dancing with the Stars.
We've given you the blow by blow (and Spencer Pratt really blows) of last night's season finale of The Hills.
Now it's time for T.H. Gossip to break down last night's third television event, the premiere of the 10th season of The Bachelor.
But we really can't do it justice, so we're turning it over to the Sports Gal, wife of ESPN's beloved sports scribe, the Sports Guy (a.k.a. Bill Simmons).
She's going to be recapping each riveting episode for ESPN and ABC. We're just passing the word along. Let's get down to business. Take it away, Sports Gal!
ABC wants the new season of The Bachelor to remind people of Richard Gere in "An Officer and a Gentleman." We know this because they're calling this season, "The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman."
At least they came right out and said it. The Bachelor himself, Lt. Andy Baldwin, isn't as sexy as Richard Gere in that movie, but I liked him immediately and thought he was the cutest bachelor yet. He works as a doctor in the Navy's dive unit with Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner, does charity work and Ironman triathalons and even has a hot body.
Of course, Bill (my husband) was suspicious as soon as we learned Andy's alma mater was Duke. He kept saying, "You watch, you watch, he's going to end up being a [bad word]."
Not even 30 seconds later, we watched Andy get into his fancy sports car, which looked like a DeLorean (do they still make those?) and had those dorky doors that open straight up.
I hate when Bill's right. You should know that my friend Terera and I have a list of things that instantly bother us about guys - like guys who wear man sandals (those leather ones that look like the ones girls would wear, only they're for guys, I call them "mandals"); guys who wear black jeans or black tennis shoes; guys who wear Speedos at the beach; guys who drink daiquiris or frozen mudslides; guys who tuck their sweaters into their pants; and especially, guys who drive weird sports cars (like Miatas or Corvettes). I don't know the name of Andy's car, but it should be called "The Overcompensator."
We watched Andy Baldwin tool around in his DeLorean hoping he'd pick up Doc and head back to the future. Instead, he pulled up to the clock tower, I mean, bachelor mansion, and was greeted by our old friend Chris Harrison.
I like Chris Harrison - he knows his place and never interferes, not even when a girl has too much champagne during the opening cocktail reception and might drown in the pool. Meanwhile, Andy looked so excited to meet the girls, it was uncomfortable. It looked like he was going to burst. Bill described him as "a much, much, much hornier Richie Cunningham."