by Hilton Hater at . Comments

It's all about balance.

That's what Bethenny Frankel learned on last night's season finale of her reality show, as both business and baby beckoned. As usual, a THG intern has reviewed the episode in depth, sharing her snark with readers below. Take it away!

I have to say that for a finale episode, this one was quasi-boring.  A baby shower cake faux-disaster? Amateur football games on Montauk?  Jason lathering sunscreen on Max?  Bethenny’s much-hyped first trip away for work that we didn’t even get to see?  Baby nurse Gina doling out post-baby sex advice?  Yawnsville.  However, I do love watching the new little family unit in action so that saved it from being a total dud. 

I think the best moments are when Jason, Bethenny, Bryn, and Gina are hanging out around the apartment talking about whatever.  I would prefer a whole show of that.

The Housewives Girl

Tonight’s episode began with my second favorite gal from Real Housewives of New York City, Ramona, coming over to visit Bethenny and the new baby.  Almost immediately the baby gets cranky and Bethenny hands her off to Gina.  Gina rushes the baby into a secluded room.  The women discuss having more than one baby as well as sex post-delivery. 

Ramona is surprisingly tongue-tied as she talks about her own “relations” with Mario after she had daughter Avery.  All in all, I like Ramona a whole lot better on the other show.  Seeing her on Bethenny’s show is a weird experience - it feels like when you were little and you saw your teacher at the grocery store:  startling, uncomfortable, and a teensy bit scary.

Though she just gave birth two episodes ago, Bethenny has already reclaimed her flat stomach. “Look at the body on her, Gina,” says Jason.  He then adds, “I really thought at our age or your age it would be a mess.”  Gina nods knowingly.  Speaking of Gina, one random factoid we’ve learned about her is that she is no fan of men trying to get on their women right after they have babies.  She’s sort of a combo baby nurse/anti-post-pregnancy sex cop.

The day of Bethenny’s baby shower has arrived.  “I’m probably the first mom ever to have a baby shower with the baby already,” says Bethenny, verbalizing something we are all thinking.  Of course poor, poor, poor Shawn is putting this little fiesta together. 

The first order of business is carefully extracting the specially-ordered-from-Los-Angeles cake.  “OMG! (Multiple explicatives).  We have a caketastrophe!” gasps Shawn as he realizes the design on the cake is messed up.  He has a look of true terror on his face as he frantically tries to fix it.  This much fussed-over cake, by the way, is insanely small. 

How many people is this supposed to feed?  Or is it just a centerpiece?  If it’s a centerpiece, then why does it have to be some extra-special cake flown in from Los Angeles?  Such big confusion for such a little cake.  But I digress. 

Freaky NYC Housewife Alex is among the shower guests and surprises everyone by wearing a normal outfit.  Though Bethenny states, “I’m hoping we can have a cocktail and discuss something that doesn’t involve diapers and boobies,” of course this sort of talk is inevitable.  But then, like in every good Housewife show, the conversation moves to sex.   “I’m not having sex and Jason is like a rabid animal.  He’s gonna like mount me the second it starts,” Bethenny says in full listening zone of her mother-in-law.

The shower also involves manicures, pedicures, facials, massages, and other sorts of body treatments.  Having arrived moments earlier, assistant Max is immediately splayed out on a massage table awaiting his turn.  Bethenny is ticked that he went ahead of her shower guests.  Despite being bitched out, Max is oblivious and still wants the massage.

After the shower, Bethenny is stressing about having to go to Chicago on a brief work trip.  “It’s complete trauma and terror and I don’t want to go,” Bethenny says about leaving Bryn for the first time. As usual, Jason is totally supportive and wonderful.  “We’ll be right here when you get back,” he says as he expertly pats the baby’s back.  Gina also gives Bethenny a pep talk before she leaves.  Lord knows if that baby is safe with anyone, it’s Gina.

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by Free Britney at . Comments

Last week on the show with the most unnecessary punctuation mark in history - Bethenny Getting Married? - the titular star gave birth to daughter Bryn.

This week, she actually had to take care of Bryn. The celebration of life continued, sure. But would the struggles of caring for a newborn overwhelm her?

Take it away, THG Real Housewives correspondent....

Ah, the sweet and precious introduction of a new reality television star. This time it’s a one-day-old baby who is about as big as an artichoke. 

This is little Bryn Hoppy, Bethenny and Jason’s daughter. She was born five weeks early and is a cute little pipsqueak. Her parents are, of course, totally in love. This episode marked a change in Bethenny - away from non-stop snark and fast-paced sarcasm and towards sweet, goo-goo baby love bliss and sleep-deprived incoherence.  

The Housewives Girl

At the beginning, Jason’s parents came to visit their new grandchild at Lenox Hill Hospital, evidently the hospital where all the rich people go in New York City.

Bethenny announces the baby’s name is Bryn, after Jason’s late brother, Bryan.

Jason’s mom is very emotional and it’s a sweet moment. But then Bethenny makes us laugh again as she and Jason wrangle with the new breast pump.

She says, “I never thought that when I was in da club with Jason that he would be my breast pumping assistant.” I love Bethenny’s ability to keep us laughing, even when she was crying the moment before.

Little Bryn is so teeny-tiny and adorable.

She reminded me of my beloved ‘80s-vintage Cabbage Patch Preemie as Jason gently rubs her back and whispers to her about all they will do in the future—dance classes, yes, but basketball and golf too. “My little chickpea,” Jason calls Bryn.

He makes Bethenny laugh until we fear she’ll pop a stitch.  This new family is definitely in a good place.  No signs of postpartum nuttiness from Bethenny, at least not yet. She doesn’t seem the type to go all Brooke Shields on us.

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

In early May, Bethenny Frankel gave birth to an adorable girl named Bryn.

But in the warped reality show universe, this event took place last night, as Frankel went into labor five weeks early on Bethenny Getting Married. It made for some exciting TV, as detailed below in our weekly show recap...

Bethenny went to a baby safety and CPR class with other ritzy Upper East Side mommies-to-be on this episode.  “I don’t like any of this and it scares me,” Bethenny says about all the back blows, chest compressions, and rescue breaths. 

The leaders of this course also teach the participants how to break down a stroller to throw in the trunk of a cab and how to install a car seat in a Town Car.  I am guessing this course does not include a lesson on how to install a car seat in a Kia.

Next, Bethenny’s friend Lauren visits with her baby and baby nurse.  The baby nurse is wearing scrubs and a skeptical smirk.  Evidently this nurse, Gina, will come and work for Bethenny when Gina’s done keeping Lauren’s progeny alive for the first month of life.  (All bets are off on what happens to the poor baby after Gina exits.  Most likely a Russian nanny will step in and take over lest Lauren have to actually do anything for her own baby.) 

Lauren is so thin and trim she looks like she must have had the baby via surrogate.  She has no post-pregnancy bloat or double chin whatsoever. 

“I was curious to get some perspective on what a newborn looks like,” Bethenny says about the purpose of the visit. Lauren tries to get her very fussy baby to stop crying and you can bet that Gina was dying to just grab the poor kid away from its bony mom and calm it down herself.

One early morning that week, Bethenny and Jason wake up to find that Bethenny’s water has broken. She expected a “Niagara falls” gush of water like in the movies but it’s just a puddle in the bed and a trickle down her leg.  Bethenny is still five weeks away from her due date. 

“This is happening?” asks Jason.  Bethenny adds, “We’re not ready.  We have no bag packed, we have no baby’s room, we have no bassinette.  We have nothing.”

While looking over the list of what to bring to the hospital, Jason says, “It says to bring several copies of your birth plan.  We don’t have a birth plan.”  Thinking she might have time to kill, Bethenny packs her book that needs editing.  “Don’t pack thongs,” wisely suggests assistant Julie.  “You’re not going to want something in your vadge after you have a baby.” 

I would have to agree.

Then, Bethenny and Jason run around their bedroom buck naked for a little while.  I’m sorry, but don’t they ever want to tell the cameras to scram and give them two seconds of privacy?  I think showering counts as a time when cameras don’t have to be filming a person.  At least not for a show broadcast on a network other than Cinemax or The Playboy Channel. 

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Bristol Palin is one of the most famous teenagers in the country.

She's the daughter of a Presidential candidate and an unwed mother who isn't just marrying the guy that knocked her up and publicly bashed her family for months on end - she's profiting from the arrangement by selling her story to supermarket tabloids!

Say what you want about Bristol - and, trust us, THG has - but she's the perfect candidate for a reality TV show.

Still, Bethenny Frankel claims she doesn't see the appeal.

Bristol Photograph

Bethenny Frankel thinks viewers are interested in her life, but not that of Bristol Palin. She may be more delusional than Bristol's mother.

"If it was her mom getting married or remarried it would be interesting," Frankel said to E! News yesterday. "If it was Sarah was raising the baby, maybe. But what's the deal with the two of them?

"I don't know what they are and I don't even know who they are. I don't get it. And it would be too awkward to watch them in something L.A. because they don't belong there."

Someone sounds awfully defensive. Frankel can't honestly believe that in this day and age, where anyone with a pulse signs on for a reality show (Mario Lopez?!? Aubrey O'Day?!?), Bristol and Levi wouldn't be the ideal stars of a series. As depressing as that may be.

Let's turn this question over to the readers: Who would you prefer to watch?

 

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

According to multiple sources, TV's Real Housewives are nothing but real, big liars.

First, the man that filmed himself having sex with Danielle Staub had the nerve to call that totally stable, victimized woman a phony.

Now, the mother of Bethenny Frankel is chiming in, saying her daughter has exaggerated the difficulties of her childhood. In an interview with People, Frankel said this month: "I never had a true childhood. There was a lot of destruction: alcohol abuse, eating disorders and violent fights."

How accurate is that statement, according to Bernadette Birk?

"I love my daughter, but what she's saying is killing me," Birk tells Star Magazine, denying that she was ever a bulimic alcoholic.

Birk adds that Bethenny is "the most important person in my world."

Then again, she also confirms she's only spoken to Frankel twice in the last decade. And she was likely paid to give this interview.

So while Bethenny may be milking her life story for attention and sympathy, it's clear her mother isn't exactly the Carol Brady of parental units.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Can we take away the question mark in the title of Bethenny Getting Married? now please? She's both hitched in real life and even on her TV show.

This week, her and husband Jason Hoppy jetted off to St. Bart for their honeymoon, which included skinny dipping, anxiety and more. Also, Bethenny posed for a pregnant nude photo shoot. Take it away, THG Real Housewives correspondent....

With their fabulous wedding behind them and Shawn getting himself cryogenically frozen so he can get some serious rest, Bethenny and Jason jet off to honeymoon on St. Bart’s.  “I’m trying to be the sexy new bride but I’m a disaster,” Bethenny says. 

This statement sets us up for a week filled with immense fun and laughter as well as hormone-induced crying jags and panic attacks, the highs and the lows occurring most likely within two seconds of each other.

The Housewives Girl

Once on the island, they hop into their rental BMW and speed off across the gorgeous landscape.  Of course they are renting a BMW - can you imagine these two in a Ford Fiesta?  They arrive at the resort where they have a private villa with butler service.  Their villa is gorgeous, enormous, and complete with their own huge pool with giant turtles wandering around it, munching contentedly on tropical grasses.

As soon as their luggage hits the floor, Bethenny is immediately topless and she and Jason are in the pool.  “When those doors opened, honestly, you took my breath away,” Jason tells Bethenny about their wedding day. 

They say many sweet things to each other and what little clothes they were wearing end up in a sodden heap pool-side.  Gigantic iguanas look on suspiciously from the bushes. Jason and Bethenny’s entire submerged and naked bodies are blurred out.

Next, the two hit the beach.  “I really feel like a pig that needs to be roasted on the beach at a luau,” Bethenny tells us.  Jason is particularly fond of commenting on Bethenny’s cankles and her “sausage-link” toes and, luckily, she has a good attitude about it all.  She tells us repeatedly that she feels fat and gross but really she must be feeling pretty confident because her bathing suit is essentially a bikini and pretty skimpy at that.  Plus, she looks amazing. 

Sure she’s pregnant but she’s totally toned.  It’s as hot as a seven months pregnant woman can possibly look.  Also, she is sporting a big, floppy fluorescent pink hat and she will wear this hat pretty much non-stop throughout the rest of the honeymoon.

Arriving back at their suite, they find a large, wet animal poop on the floor.  Bethenny dry heaves, runs through the villa, and freaks out.  They are sure it’s one of those huge iguanas done snuck into their bungalow and took a dump but their search turns up nothing. 

Then, they wax a happy trail of dark hair that has developed on Bethenny’s belly.

Bump hair successfully removed, the newlyweds have breakfast (pink hat in attendance) and discuss a number of things, including:

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Granted, Bethenny Frankel got married months ago. She's even had a daughter and given an in-depth magazine interview about motherhood since then.

But Bravo took us back in time last night on Bethenny Getting Married and showed us this reality star's wedding to Jason Hoppy. As always, our THG correspondent is here to review the episode in detail...

The wedding day is here!  Down at The Four Seasons, wedding planner Shawn is going full-tilt boogie trying to get everything ready.  You know he’s serious because he’s wearing a headset and fast walking. 

He has that look of extreme fear on his face that has become very familiar to us as we’ve watched him throw this high-end shotgun wedding together whilst being hounded by the pickiest bride on the planet.  We know this look most likely won’t go away until he closes the limo door after the wedding and watches Bethenny and Jason drive off into the sunset.

Meanwhile, back at home, Bethenny is getting ready for her wedding and simultaneously editing her new book.  She accomplishes the book, to her great relief and then Teri, the Maid of Honor, comes over wearing another really bad shirt.  Carol, Jason’s mom, also pops by.  She gives Bethenny a very sweet gift of a locket with mini pictures of Bethenny and Jason. 

Bethenny promptly pins this locket to her underwear.

Wedding Day

Bethenny’s hair and makeup pros arrive to gussy her up.  A photography team from Oprah’s magazine is there to document this part of the process.  You’ve got to wonder what Jason’s mom is thinking about all this celebrity hoo-ha.  If she’s overwhelmed, you’d never know it - she acts very cool. 

Outside the Four Seasons are paparazzi and a security team.  Once inside, Bethenny is thrilled with how everything looks.  “It’s gorgeous.  I’m so excited.  It’s perfect,” Bethenny sighs.  Shawn looks like he expected Bethenny to beat him over the head with a silver serving tray and you know the poor guy must almost be pissing himself with relief that she is not only satisfied, but actually happy!

Elsewhere, Jason is dead-set on having a drank before the blessed event and sends Shawn off on this errand.  “Can you believe it’s here?” he asks his Best Man about the wedding day.  A second passes in silence. 

“Where is Shawn with those drinks?!” Jason asks, his voice tight with anticipation.   He wipes his sweaty brow.  I can understand why he is so worked up—a new wife, a new reality show, and a new baby all at once.  I’d be sweaty and dying to get drunk too.

Behind the scenes, Bethenny is finishing getting ready and putting on her wedding dress.  She is convinced that her pregnant belly has grown significantly and terrified the dress won’t fit.  Maid of honor Teri attempts to be helpful but seems a little tipsy - or maybe totally smashed. 

“Okay,” she slurs to Bethenny, “I have to say something about the Chinese astrological chart.” 

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

On Bethenny Getting Married, Bethenny Frankel lets viewers into her therapy sessions and is unafraid to be filmed in various stages of happiness, sadness, frustration, anger and stress.

But the former Real Housewife of New York City is even more open in the latest issue of People, dishing to the magazine about her troubled upbringing.

"I never had a true childhood," Frankel tells the magazine. "There was a lot of destruction: alcohol abuse, eating disorders and violent fights."

Bethenny on People

For this reason, Frankel says she's pampering eight-week old Bryn even more than most first-time parents. She's also motivated by the fact that she's estranged from her own mom, who she describes as "extremely volatile. She was never a mother to me."

For more from Bethenny, and photos of Megan Fox getting married, pick up the latest issue of People.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Seven months pregnant and nearing her wedding day, Bethenny Frankel almost lost it completely this week.

But then Jason Hoppy came through for her and viewers of Bethenny Getting Married were treated to a happy ending. The entire episode is recapped below by our THG correspondent...

Yay!  Our Bethenny is back!  I found her to be the Bethenny we knew and loved from RHONY:  witty, sassy, a little neurotic, but mostly lovable.  Gone is the shrieking diva from last week who scared me half to death. 

One of tonight’s funniest scenes was when Bethenny tried to squeeze into the dress she had picked out only days earlier for her bridal shower.  She is expanding quickly this late in her pregnancy and things don’t fit from one day to the next.  Her large boobs seem to be the problem more so than her baby bump.  The dress is so tight she can’t even move her arms. 

After freaking out and trying on every other dress in her closet, she ends up wearing a top as a dress and it is ridiculously short.  “If I had a tampon in the string would be longer than this dress,” she says.  This is the kind of line Bethenny delivers in her unique deadpan that endears her to us so much.

The Housewives Girl

We see a similar situation later when Bethenny goes for a fitting of her lovely wedding dress.  “I’m seven and a half months pregnant.  I’m growing by the minute.  I wake up every day and I don’t know what’s going to happen.  And I’m eating like I’m going to the electric chair so I don’t know if I can fit into my underwear much less my wedding dress,” she says. 

I love it because so many women can relate to this particular issue, pregnant or not.  Who among us doesn’t hold her breath and say a little prayer when trying on a beloved item of clothing that has sat abandoned in a closet for months?  You could see that familiar look of terrified anticipation passing over Bethenny’s face as the women around her zipped up her dress. 

But let’s be honest here:  Bethenny seven months pregnant is a hell of a lot more toned and fit than any of us will ever be even when not pregnant. 

Though Bethenny did seem more relaxed overall in this episode, she was still a bit of a pill to Shawn, the beleaguered wedding planner.  She berates him over the phone about choosing the perfect cake. He heaves a mighty sigh as their phone conversation ends.  Then he high-tails it to Jersey to sample some cake because evidently Jersey is the only place that can pop out a wedding cake with a week’s notice.   “You never want to make her unhappy,” says Shawn about Bethenny.  “It’s like pregnancy hormones and it’s like scary.” 

As he says this his eyes roll in together so hard it almost seems like his head might implode.  He likes the red velvet cake and has worked hard to make the cream cheese frosting cream-cheesy enough for Miss Beth.  Hopefully she’ll like it because if she doesn’t we can expect her not only to “rip his dick off” but also to mount his head on a stake at the wedding.  Good luck, Shawn.

Elsewhere, Bethenny is trying to decide on the wedding reception menu as Jason is glued to March Madness on the boob tube.  Seeing him happy and relaxed while she is so stressed makes her head just about blow off.   “BEEF TARTARE?  BEEF TARTARE?!” she shrieks in his direction.  “I know it’s March Madness,” she says to Jason.  “If you want to see March Madness, you’ll see a pregnant woman light her friggin’ hair on fire and go crazy right now.”

Jason isn’t sure what to do because she acts like she wants his help but really she just wants to make all the decisions herself because she thinks only she can make the right decisions.  This is as obvious to him as it is to us, oh, and to Shawn too, of course.  “You can’t hang over my head all the things that you take on.  That’s your choice,” Jason says.

Bethenny then reaches a level 10 nuclear freak-out as Jason continues to recline and chillax on the couch.  Her voice gets louder by the second until Jason and Cookie the dog are cringing.  Then Jason asks, “Are we getting married for us or are we getting married for the production?  That’s what I want to know.”  It makes me wonder how he felt about signing up for this reality show in the first place.

Later, in an attempt to be more helpful and less lump-like, Jason surprises Bethenny with a trip to City Hall to get a marriage license.  To me this seems like sort of a lame surprise but, whatever, it made Bethenny pretty happy.  He also agrees to a honeymoon to St. Bart’s. 

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by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Let's forget that strange hit-and-run for a moment.

We'll also gloss over the whining and scripted events on Bethenny Getting Married?, easily the most ridiculous concept for a reality show to ever air. (After all, Bethenny is married! There's no question mark needed!)

Instead, let's simply focus on the recent fashion choices made by actress January Jones and professional celebrity Bethenny Frankel.

They each donned a white Alice + Olivia dress at public events over the last couple weeks, though the ladies accompanied the outfit by very different footwear. Compare and contrast now:

January vs. Bethenny

Who wore this dress better?