Audrina Patridge

On Tuesday night's season premiere of The Hills, Kristin Cavallari made her presence felt early and often. Amazing what huge paychecks and scripts can do. Meanwhile, Spencer put a deposit on a house without telling his duck-lipped plastic wife.

Below, The Hollywood Gossip staff reviews Kristin's first episode of MTV's long-running "reality" TV series and awards and deducts points as it sees fit ...

The last-season-in-review montage showing Lauren Conrad departing airs, with Kristin as the show's new narrator. That's cold $h!t, MTV. Cold. Minus 2.

The girls sit around, reading cue cards and giving us the 411 on Kristin Cavallari, who they've just been informed will be on The Hills ... and will be their new friend, apparently. Hey, at least their disdain is for real. Plus 5.

Why would Spencer assume Kristin would go after Justin-Bobby, who looks homeless and by all accounts does not bathe, of all the people at the party? What about Frankie Delgado or Sleazy T? This whole scenario is so ridiculous. Minus 16.

Plus 9 for the obligatory Brody Jenner shirtless and sleeveless shots, and Plus 2 more because Jayde Nicole shows no signs of Joe Francis whomping on her.

Newlywed Heidi Montag says her goal in life is to keep her husband happy. Spoken like a true feminist. Cook, clean and break out the knee pads, Heidi. Minus 5.

Kristin to Audrina: "Your sidekick is yappin' her mouth at me!" Ten seconds into the season and she already knows the role of Stephanie Pratt. Plus 4.

LMAO moment: What in the effing hell is Spencer wearing when he and Heidi pretend to go house hunting? Why are his jeans tucked into his boots? Minus 1.

Stacie the bartender calls Audrina a stage-five clinger. Plus 2 for Stacie's unexplained, contrived appearance on the show, which is not even attempting to seem real at this point, and Plus 2 more for the use of Wedding Crashers quotes.

Even Kristin's voice sounds fake, like she's trying too hard to sound overly dramatic on her "date" with Justin-Bobby. Give us a freaking break. Minus 3.

Spencer puts a deposit down on a place without telling Heidi, who hates it. The more things change, the more they stay the same (and obnoxious). Plus 12.

Fittingly, the quote of the night goes to Kristin Cavallari: [on being a Capricorn] "I'm stubborn ... organized ... I have the BEST bed." Words fail us. Even.

TOTAL: +9! The Hills is what it is. If you can get past how obviously staged it all is, there's still a lot of drama and entertainment value to be enjoyed.

Reality TV's most overpaid airheads (and that's saying something) return to MTV tonight as The Hills kicks off its new season. Or "bonus episodes" of the current season five. Whatever you want to call it, it's back at 10 p.m. EST.

The City follows at 10:30 p.m. EST.

In preparation for the return of its contrived cash cow, the network has released a slew of promotional images of the cast. Some are older pictures, but most are new and feature stars who will now be playing new and/or bigger roles.

Specifically, Kristin Cavallari joins the cast and pretends to be interested in Justin-Bobby to piss off Audrina Patridge. Also, Stacie the bartender is apparently getting her own promotional photos now. This is "reality" TV at its finest.

Click to enlarge the pictures below. Who's your favorite Hills star?

Goodbye, Lauren Conrad.

Hello, Kristin Cavallari!

The Hills will look very different when it returns for a sixth season on September 29, as the MTV's program's original protagonist will no longer be reading cue cards and pretending to fight with Heidi appear on the show.

Not to worry, though, fans: Audrina Patridge, Lauren Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt all return. They were spotted shooting scenes on a Los Angeles street last week, clearly confused over the script:

My desperate need for attention is THIS big!

Click on the photos below for closer looks at Lo, Audrina and Stephane trying to remember their lines on The Hills:

The Hills star Audrina Patridge showed off her sexy Maxim photo spread at a bash celebrating her sexy appearance in the men's magazine in L.A. Thursday.

And why shouldn't she? Those were quality photos. A lot more so than those airbrushed-beyond-recognition pictures of Heidi Montag nude in Playboy.

Yech.

Here's Audzo pulling a Spencer and holding up her own photo. One party's totally fine. Just don't do it for the paparazzi for the next 20 days, okay Audrina?

DIRTY DEEDS: Audrina shows us more than a few in Maxim.

You can see Audrina on The Hills, premiering Tuesday on MTV. After this batch of new episodes, she's out the door and filming her own reality show, which will likely be a program very similar, just with less Speidi and more Corey Bohan.

In other words, we can't wait!

The same loser is suspected of robbing both Lindsay Lohan and Audrina Patridge this year. Not great for Nicholas Prugo if he hoped to get away with it.

Prugo, who was arrested on suspicion of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house, is also suspected of hitting Audrina Patridge's pad too, according to TMZ.

Cops believe Nicholas Prugo, 18, broke into Audrina's L.A. home in February, then ransacked Lohan's pad in August (not the first break-in at her home).

The crimes were similar, although Lohan reported a lot of expensive things stolen, whereas Audrina Patridge was mostly just shaken up emotionally.

This drunk moron's security code was probably 1234. Or 696969.

Weeks before an arrest, authorities investigating surveillance tapes of both crimes noted similarities and believed the same person(s) were involved.

In both robberies, security cameras captured several people entering the celebs' homes - one was a young male wearing a baseball cap and a t-shirt.

Prugo was arrested Thursday on suspicion of burglary, a felony offense. He's currently being held on $20,000 bail and remains in police custody.

No word on whether any of the fancy jewels Lindsay had "stolen" have been recovered. Or if she just left them in a nightclub bathroom somewhere.

Kanye ruined everything for Taylor Swift. Lil Mama closed out the show in a really weird way. The New Moon trailer debuted. Stephanie Pratt showed off her heinous new face after plastic surgery turned her into an Aubrey O'Day knockoff.

Anybody who's anybody (at least in celebrity gossip circles) was at the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday, and a wide range of quality stories naturally ensued.

This makes the absence of someone like Audrina Patridge all the more odd.

As we reported over the weekend, Audzo canceled her appearance at the VMAs because she didn't like producers' idea of presenting with Kristin Cavallari.

"They offered me a presenting spot and I declined," Audrina said, carefully choosing words and not elaborating, as if to intentionally not go there.

Kristin Cavallari says she wasn't behind Patridge going AWOL.

"We were never supposed to present together," Kristin said on the VMA red carpet. "I've known I was going to present with Nelly Furtado for a few days."

That said, Cavallari says she's amused by the new Hills spoilers and trailer that feature her all vamped up in that body-hugging minidress and killer heels while devilishly laughing in front of a sign that proclaims, "The Bitch Is Back."

"It's fun to play the bad girl on TV," Kristin said, without irony.

"I think it's really funny because anyone who knows me, my friends, would never say I'm a man-eating boyfriend-stealer like they're making me out to be."

Of course, she lived up to the witchy persona when asked if she had plans to see Patridge's new horror flick, Sorority Row: "Probably not," she said, flatly.

Whose side are you on?

Not sure if this is true, MTV is pulling a fast one or somewhere in between, but The Hills star Audrina Patridge has reportedly pulled out of her presenting duties at this evening's MTV Video Music Awards in New York City.

The reason? She was to be presenting with Kristin Cavallari.

And she wasn't about to take part with her new fake rival.

"Audrina hates Kristin, and MTV sprung this on her at the last minute so she decided to cancel," a source dished to celeb gossip mag In Touch Weekly.

"She doesn't even want to be in the same room with Kristin."

The primary reason for the bad blood is drama - fake or real - caused by Kristin's reported dalliances with Audzo's dirtbag ex-boyfriend, Justin-Bobby.

According to reports, the stylist and hair and makeup team working with Audrina Patridge were even warned not to book a job with another Hills star.

Kristin is said to be "more than pleased" by Audrina's last-minute cancellation. Either there's a major cat fight brewing, or this is great scripted BS PR.

Says a friend of Cavallari's, who probably produces The Hills: "Kristin is happy. They never got along and Kristin is the star of The Hills, not Audrina."

Fightin' words! Whose side are you on?

Audrina Patridge is best known for the following things:

• Starring on scripted reality show The Hills
• Dating loser Justin-Bobby on said program
• Pretending to be an actress in Sorority Row
• Posing for lots of risque topless Maxim pics

There's your Audrina Patridge rundown. But she's also known for switching up her style frequently, and that applies to her makeup as well as clothes.

The 24-year-old recently abandoned her traditional L.A.-cool, fresh-faced style behind and tried out glamorous red lips for her new movie's premiere.

Did it work? Tell us in the survey below ...

What's Ceiling Eyes' best look?

In the new issue of Maxim, Audrina Patridge takes her top off, seductively eats some fruit and talks about the wackiest things she's heard about herself.

"That I have chin implants, I've gotten cheek implants, a nose job ... God, everything," The Hills hottie said, denying all of those plastic surgery rumors.

She never specifically denies getting fake boobs, of course.

Audrina also discusses the constant speculation as to her love life: "I took my brother out one night, and he was my boyfriend the next day."

No way that actually happened, but we see the point.

Patridge, who is dating Corey Bohan again, says she barely talks to former co-star Lauren Conrad: "We text every now and then, but that's about it."

Audrina Patridge, topless, washes clothes she apparently doesn't intend to wear at any point. Man, someone wasted a lot of money on that new front-loading washer.

As for pal Heidi Montag? "Heidi ... um, keeps asking me to go to Bible study with her," she says. Somewhere, God is shaking His head at that one.

Audrina is so over The Hills, which she's leaving after this season.

"You know, it's just something that I felt inside," she says. "I'm an adult now, and I don't need all the petty drama and drinking and fighting."

"I've been there, done that, and I'm ready to move on."

Move on to skanky photo shoots for men's magazines, that is. What is it with girls eating fruit in bed? Is that supposed to be a turn-on? How is that an appealing combination? Click to enlarge the Audrina Patridge pictures from Maxim ...

With her departure from The Hills imminent, Audrina Patrdige wants her own reality TV show, which is in the works, to show a different side of her.

The 24-year-old aspiring actress' new MTV project will reportedly show the SoCal hottie with tattooed sister, Casey Patridge, and their brother, Mark.

Sources say Patridge wants to be a producer on The Audrina Show (really creative title) so she won't be portrayed as airheaded like on The Hills.

The Season 5 trailer certainly doesn't dispel that notion.

SAD CEILING EYES: Audzo doesn't like how The Hills portrays her.

"Audrina is insisting on a producer's credit on the show," says an inside source. "She wants to make sure she won't be edited the same way she was."

She wants to fashion The Audrina Show after Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Amazing that Kourtney Kardashian may be a role model after all.

Given the shadiness of The Hills producers - falsifying Spencer Pratt's apology to Lauren Conrad, blatantly inserting Kristin Cavallari into the show out of the blue clear sky - you can't blame Audrina for wanting more creative control.

Unfortunately, no producers can edit out the fact that she once dated that loser Justin-Bobby. No camera tricks can be blamed for that one, girl.