by Free Britney at . Comments

The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Our current match-up features a pair of sisters... that's four celebs in all. You know these siblings well, and may harbor strong feelings towards them. Some of you may have even slept with one of them. Who are we to say? All we know is that when the gloves come off between the Olsen Twins and the spawn of Crazy Joe Simpson, you are gonna see some insane $h!t.

Jessica On Her Back

But enough with the hype. Here's Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vs. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson for all the marbles. Ding, Ding!


Mary-Kate / Ashley: The fraternal twins have been forced to appear in TV and films since infancy, and are probably f*%ked in the brain for life
Jessica / Ashlee: At least they had a somewhat normal childhood before fame turned their Dad into an insane person
Edge: Simpsons


Mary-Kate / Ashley: Nothing to write home (or blogs) about
Jessica / Ashlee: Have you seen this Jessica Simpson picture? Ashlee isn't hurting in this department, either...
Edge: Simpsons


Mary-Kate / Ashley: While both have become style icons, Mary-Kate dresses more chic, while Ashley is more conventionally stylish. Both are known for wearing flip-flops, as well as accessories such as large sunglasses
Jessica / Ashlee: Whatever she wears looks hot (Jessica); Changes look too often to be recognized (Ashlee)
Edge: Simpsons


Mary-Kate / Ashley: Starred on Full House (1987-1995), along with more than a dozen movies; Youngest people ever to receive stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
Jessica / Ashlee: Six studio albums and more than 16,000,000 units sold between them; Various acting roles
Edge: Olsens


Mary-Kate / Ashley: May not have ingested food since 2002
Jessica / Ashlee: Ashlee has slimmed down, but not to that degree
Edge: Olsens


Mary-Kate / Ashley: Stavros Niarchos
Jessica / Ashlee: Nick Lachey, Braxton Olita, John Mayer, Bam Margera
Edge: Simpsons


Mary-Kate / Ashley: Reported to be worth $150 million each; Named the "Most Powerful Young Women in Hollywood" by the Hollywood Reporter
Jessica / Ashlee: Very wealthy, but only making real money in the past five years or so... plus, Nick Lachey could take a lot of Jessica's dough!
Edge: Olsens


Mary-Kate / Ashley: Eating disorders, drug abuse, acting like bitches to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan
Jessica / Ashlee: Little talent, adultery, plastic surgery accusations, bogus sex tapes, lip-synching on TV
Edge: Even


Mary-Kate / Ashley: "I want to go to culinary school because I love cooking. One day I'd love to open up a restaurant or cafe." -- Mary-Kate Olsen
Jessica / Ashlee: "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken of the Sea.'" -- Jessica Simpson
Edge: Simpsons


Mary-Kate / Ashley: Stay away!
Jessica / Ashlee: Any day!
Edge: Simpsons

THE VERDICT: Sorry, Mary-Kate and Ashlee. Jessica and Ashlee have ruled this duel and straight up bitch-slapped you with a commanding 6.5-3.5 victory. Go do some drugs and throw up today's lunch to make yourselves feel better.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Previously, we tested your Britney Spears knowledge. Most of you who took our quiz did quite well. Now, we're back with another THG Trivia Test. This time, we're focusing on the worthless but ever-present Ashlee Simpson. Give it your best shot, Gossipers.


Fake Firecrotch

1. Ashlee's single "Boyfriend" was rumored to be about which starlet, whose beau she was accused of stealing?

A. Nicole Richie
B. Lindsay Lohan
C. Paris Hilton
D. Mischa Barton

2. How did Ashlee celebrate the release of her sophomore album, I Am Me?

A. Taking a $10,000 spa day
B. Getting tattooed
C. With a low-key day with her family
D. With a live performance in Times Square

3. What does Ashlee say is her best physical attribute?

A. Legs
B. Nose
C. Breasts
D. Teeth

4. Hoofing it in a musical like Chicago is no easy task. Where did Ashlee learn to dance?

A. Julliard
B. School of American Ballet
C. High School of the Performing Arts
D. As a backup dancer for big sis Jessica Simpson

5. Where did the Simpson family ring in Ashlee's 21st birthday last October?

A. Saint-Tropez
B. Cabo San Lucas
C. Paris
D. Las Vegas

6. What did Ashlee ultimately blame her SNL lip-syncing debacle on?

A. Crazy Joe Simpson
B. Braxton Olita
C. Acid reflux
D. A computer glitch

How'd you do? We got them all correct â€" but then again, we're T.H. Gossip. And we came up with the quiz. So it's not that impressive.

Answers: 1) B; 2) B; 3) C; 4) B; 5) D; 6) C.

by Free Britney at . Comments

The humble abode that Jessica Simpson and younger sister Ashlee Simpson used to call home is officially on the market.

Located in the heart of Dallas, Texas, the home is currently going for a reasonable $200,000. With home loan rates on the decline, and Texas real estate representing some of the best investment opportunities in the U.S., you'd be a fool to pass on this gem!

Announcing the Nominees

Except for the fact that it's in Dallas, which sucks royally. Everyone who's from there knows it, too.

The Simpsons lived there until 1998, when friends of the family bought it. According to sources familiar with the house in the city's Richardson Heights neighborhood, the sellers are not looking to hawk it to Simpson fanatics. Sorry, dudes. You'll have to continue getting your sick fix by digging through their garbage.

"When the listing first went up, the Jessica Simpson lineage was used to sell the home, but it was attracting the wrong sort of buyers," an agent said. "Media attention and 'looky loo' traffic was causing quite a stir for the sellers."

The house has five bedrooms, one of which surely used to hold a number of framed Jessica Simpson pictures. It is being shopped as a home with an "enjoyable backyard with huge diving pool, landscaping and decking." The listing even boasts of "having recent upgrading [sic]."

The buyer will have the option of sending their kids to Pearce High School, the same place where Jessica roamed the halls during her teenage years (no doubt wearing some really tight shirts, resulting in many an adolescent fantasy).

That's also the place where Ashlee once shattered glass with her awful singing voice, which drove her classmates crazy, and drove her crazy Dad to axe in favor of professional lip-synching once he purchased her a music career.


by Mischalova at . Comments

You'd think Ashlee Simpson has enough to worry about these days, with her premiere on stage in Chicago coming up, along with a crazy father to pose for pictures in front of.

Sometimes, though, you've gotta respond to curses places on you by a Texas priest. It's just the life of a bad, extraordinarily thin singer.

Ash Simps

Indeed, Reverend Harrington recently slammed both Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, saying the girls "breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell," adding they've become obsessed with money and don't represent Christian standards.

Notice the reverned didn't mention Ashlee's singing voice. He knows there's no way to make it worse than it already is.

"I just think that story is a bit crazy," the younger Simpson sister said. "You should watch what you say about other people's kids, especially if you're planning on having any of your own."

But enough about priest-related hexes, Ash. What about rumors of plastic surgery for you and/or Jessica?

"I would rather keep this about 'Chicago,'" was Ashlee's only response.

Hey, we can't always get what we want. The Gossip would love for this Halle Berry picture to come to life, but what can you do?

In the end, Ashlee shot down rumors of competition between the singing siblings - "I don't have that because we're sisters, we gotta be there for each other" - and added that the whole family will be in town for her premiere next Monday.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Joe Simpson is more than just a husband, father and manager. He's also a crazy person. Oh, and most recently, a member of the paparazzi.

Reports are coming in that the former minister turned control freak has developed a very close relationship with the popular photo agency WireImage in exchange for unique access to his daughters Jessica and Ashlee Simpson.

Twitter Fiend

While celebrities granting exclusives to certain photo agencies is nothing new, Papa Joe has taken it a step further by actually getting behind the lens himself. He's like his very own Heather Mills!

Simpson has been accused of photographing his daughters on the red carpet, while simultaneously blocking the shots of others. From there, Joe is said to only approve photos he's taken, which are then distributed via WireImage.

There's no truth to the rumor that the father was actually behind the camera for the Jessica Simpson sex tape, nor is there truth to the existence of such a tape.

Other agencies aren't pleased that Joe is barring them from shots of the singers, one beautiful and one really thin. Of course, the chances of actually getting a decent shot of Ashlee are pretty slim, anyhow. Especially if she's turned sideways.

by Mischalova at . Comments

Times really are changing in Hollywood. But it's one thing when Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson try to make ammends with those they scorned.

It's another thing when Ashlee Simpson and Braxton Olita break up. Yes, you read that correctly.


Simpson had been saving her body for Olita, but at least she didn't waste time giving it to someone else. Jessica's younger sister turned heads on September 2 at the NYC bar, Don Hill's, when she snuggled and kissed a cute guy in the VIP section.

It wasn't Braxton, however. This was Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy. Indeed, Simpson's rep then told Us Weekly that Simpson and Braxton "broke up about a week ago. They have decided to take a break."

Did Ashlee need time apart to focus on plastic surgey? Did Olita finally realize he'd be stuck staring at Jessica Simpson pictures, never getting inside the pants of the real thing, as long as he dated her sister?

We might never know, but we do know a source close to Simpson that said:"Ashlee has been telling everyone that she's over Braxton," and adds that Wentz recently dumped girlfriend Michelle Trachtenberg in order to be with Ashlee.

Good. We hadn't heard of that Trachtenberg person anyway.

For his part, Joe Simpson may be relieved: An insider says when Simpson told him she wanted to move in with Olita earlier this year, "he thought it was totally wrong, immoral and a bad decision. It caused a major rift between her and Joe."

At Don Hills' that night where, Ashlee was clearly enjoying her new company. Reports state she was seen openly straddling the Fall Out Boy bassist ... before her diet took over.

At one point, Ashlee had to excuse herself to vomit. Don't say you weren't warned, Pete.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Hey, Braxton Olita -- we saw your girlfriend today. She's featured in Crack Whore Magazine (the online edition)! What what!!! **fist pump** We're just kidding. Not really. Have you seen the girl who used to be Ashlee Simpson lately? What the hell has happend to her?

Sure, she never had a shred of talent, but she was Jessica's little sister and cute enough at least. Now that she's become an anorexic plastic surgery fiend, the staff members at T.H. Gossip can only shake their heads in disdain. Check out this ghastly pic we found today, not in the aforementioned CWM (which doesn't really exist, FYI, though it would be an awesome read), but in People. She's giving Kate Moss a run for her money!

Ashlee Simpson Rocks Out

Soon enough, she may actually become invisible.

by Free Britney at . Comments

The worthless Simpson sister is reportedly joining R&B star Usher -- who is currently playing the role of Flynn on Broadway -- as the latest pop star to take a role in the musical "Chicago." But, unlike Usher, Ashlee Simpson will suck royally do her stint in London instead of N.Y.

Ashlee and Jessica Simpson Chicago Photo

Jessica's sickly little sis is said to have started rehearsal this week for the role of Roxie Hart, the part Renee Zellweger filled in the big screen adaptation. Her first official performance is slated for October. Tickets are (and should always be) available.

This is just one of several major changes in Ashlee's life, including a well publicized plastic surgery rampage makeover. The burning question gracing every tabloid cover at the news stands and the Internets is how much of that makeover involved sharp knives and anesthesia.

Ironically, Ashlee will be singing about what it means to be a celebrity and what it's like to have everyone analyzing your body.

One of the verses the character Roxie belts out is:

I'm gonna be a celebrity
That means
Somebody everyone knows
They're gonna recognize my eyes
My hair... My teeth... My boobs... My nose

Sure thing. Everyone recognizes Ashlee's nose and chin -- or at least they used to, before the talentless hypocrite had herself mangled.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Talk about foreshadowing. The talentless, malnourished Ashlee Simpson actually had the foresight to name her recently-released single "Invisible."

The song, which appears on Ashlee's second CD I Am Me (the working title, I Can't F*%king Sing, was reportedly changed at the last minute), is getting a lot of airplay these days. It's certainly aptly titled. First, she got plastic surgery and took care of that nose. Apparently that chin also took a beating.

Ashlee in Action

Now she's dropping any semblance of a body and going Kate Bosworth on us. Think about how she would be doing in our emaciation poll had we not added her late! A look at Ashlee now compared to just a year ago is kinda scary. Soon enough, she'll be literally invisible on top of having no shred of singing skill. What's her take on this hot new track?

"It's basically about life, about finding the courage to get back up and keep fighting, which I think everybody deals with every day," Jessica's lil' sis says of the song (which we have to say, sucks ass, not unlike her other material).

Download it illegally if you have a sense of irony and are looking for a laugh, or if wish to hear just how bad a singer can be. But please, do not spend your money on this crap.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Check out this picture of Mischa Barton we found online today! Oh, wait… is that Nicole Richie? It could be, right? We thought so, but it looks like we were wrong on both counts. This is actually a malnourished Ashlee Simpson, people. Talentless, annoying and now wasting away to nothing, Jessica's little sis could be described as a drain on the world's resources… only she never eats.

Peep it:

On to the Next Career

Good God. If this is not a prime example of the danger of eating disorders, T.H. Gossip really isn't sure what is. NOTE: You can now vote for Ashlee in our official poll!

Ashlee Simpson Biography

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz Oh, Ashlee Simpson, ye of little worth. She is Jessica's annoying, less hot, talentless, plastic surgery-loving little sister. Woo! Yup,... More »
Dallas, Texas
Full Name
Ashlee Nicole Simpson-Wentz

Ashlee Simpson Quotes

I didn't know I'd be getting married right now, but I'm so happy to be! I'm a lucky girl.

Ashlee Simpson

Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something?

Ashlee Simpson [avoiding pregnancy questions]
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