Anna Nicole Smith

Two more weeks. That's how much longer we have to wait until the paternity test results confirm who the daddy of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern officially is.

For those of you who have been living under a rock, or have better things to do than follow this saga (oh, how we simultaneously envy and pity you), two dudes both claim to be the father of the latest spawn of Anna Nicole Smith. Why not one but two men, both able-bodied, would sleep with this nutcase, we have no plausible explanation. But that's a question for another time... and one to which there is probably no answer.

The fact remains that celebrity photographer Larry Birkhead claims he knocked up the former Playboy bunny a year ago on New Year's Eve (apparently they only slept together once?), and is the heavy favorite to be declared the baby's daddy. But last summer, the crazy Smith eloped with Howard K. Stern, who also says he sired poor little Dannielynn.

It's a chain of events that both amuses and confuses. But you can't get it off your mind when you are unlucky enough to see Smith. Just ask this WWE legend and absolutely enormous mustachioed man, Hulk Hogan, seen below partying with Smith:

Larry Birkhead doesn't merely insist he's the father of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

He knows the exact date he impregnated her mother.

The presumed daddy says he bedded former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith on New Year's Eve 2006, a little more than one year ago.

Perhaps Birkhead should've protected himself a little better when he did because such gross actions - have you seen Anna Nicole Smith pictures? - have led to a bitter paternity battle with the reality TV star, who claims the baby's father is actually her lawyer and companion Howard K. Stern.

"I've always maintained from day one I was Dannielynn's father. My little baby was actually conceived last New Year's Eve," Larry said.

Sort of makes you more grateful for how you spent this December 31, doesn't it? Especially if you're Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.

Howard K. Stern has until January 23 to continue pretending he's a father.

That's the date the judge in the Anna Nicole Smith baby dispute has ordered all DNA testing be completed by. Leading up to that time, celebrity wagering site Bodog.com has posted the odds of who will be named the father of Smith's female spawn, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

Here are the odds: Smith's ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, has a 10/11 chance, trailing Stern and his 5/7 odds.

Take our advice, gambing addicts: Bet on Birkhead. This is even easier money than wagering on whether or not Britney Spears will pass out drunk again.

Of course, the website also has an"Other" option, but it's a long shot with a 9/2 chance. Of course, this is Anna Nicole Smith. Would anyone be shocked if Brandon Davis was actually the baby's daddy?

Consider this an early Christmas gift for Larry Birkhead:

A Los Angeles judge has ordered a paternity test to determine the father of Anna Nicole Smith's 3-month-old daughter Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern, People magazine has learned.

The ruling, which was revealed on Thursday, came in a lawsuit filed by Birkhead, who claims that he â€" and not Smith's fiancé Howard K. Stern â€" is the father of the infant.

"If I was on anybody's Christmas list, they can scratch me off because this is the best Christmas present I could have ever received," Birkhead told People. "I'm one step closer to beginning a relationship with my daughter."

Anna Nicole Smith, meanwhile, had been residing with Stern in the Bahamas, where she gave birth to Dannielynn on September 7. She was just ordered to return to the States, however. A nation cowered at the news.

Right now, however, the whereabouts of Smith and Stern are unclear. What is clear, though? How downright scary Anna and Janice Dickinson are.

Forget illegal immigration - the U.S. Border Patrol screwed up big time on this one. Seriously. Couldn't we just seal off all major ports to keep this crazy, frequently-marrying "model" with enormous breasts from coming back?

Alas, Anna Nicole Smith is back in America for the first time since the death of her son Daniel in September. The reason? To resume her fight for her late husband J. Howard Marshall's fortune, of course.

The former model, who moved to the Bahamas to give birth to baby daughter Dannielynn at the beginning of the summer - before having the power shut off and getting her fat ass thrown out by the Caribbean nation - arrived in court yesterday to continue her legal battle for Marshall's millions.

Although the new mom and defendant in one paternity suit after another was left out of her ex-husband's will, she contends that Marshall intended to provide for her through a special trust. Smith initially won a $474 million judgment, which was later slashed to $90 million and eventually reduced to zero as Marshall's late son E. Pierce Marshall fought to keep the actress away from his father's cash.

The U.S. Supreme Court then ruled that only federal courts in California could deal with her case. Smith attended the mediation hearing yesterday, wearing a black sequined suit and sunglasses. Classy, as usual. Howard K. Stern would be rolling in his grave if he could see this display.  But what do you really expect at this point.

All we have to say is boo, Anna Nicole Smith. Boo. Go back to the Bahamas!

They're both old, may have been hot back in the day at some point (we can't say for sure, one way or the other) and are quite possibly insane. What's more, they are both washed-up hacks who can't seem to stay out of the limelight, even when they're not actually doing anything. One of them can't keep her mouth shut. The other can't even keep the lights on!

Yeah. They're real normal. T.H. Gossip is proud present to you, this totally terrifying train-wreck twosome: Anna Nicole Smith and Janice Dickinson.

 

Dear God, that is frightening. Coming Soon: T.H. Gossip's Alcohol-Drug Rehab Edition of Photo Finish, featuring the lovely likes of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie.

Don't worry, Anna Nicole Smith, you're no longer stuck in a home with no lights. You're just stuck without a home.

After weeks of speculation about whether or not the chesty crazy woman would be allowed to remain in the Bahamas, TMZ obtained a default judgment issued yesterday against Smith:

G. Ben Thompson, the owner of the home in which Smith has been living, recently filed papers to evict her and Smith was required to respond to Thompson's filing by Monday. Shockingly, she failed to do so.

Yesterday, the court entered a default judgment, which means Thompson can now force Smith and Howard K. Stern out of the house.

Thompson - along with half the male population - was once romantically involved with Smith and claims she told him he was the father of her baby. Thompson says he put a quick end to Smith's claim when he informed her that he had a vasectomy several years ago.

Larry Birkhead is now claiming that he's the real father of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

And we're claiming that Anna Nicole Smith has officially passed Flavor Flav as the craziest celebrity. It was a close race.

You have to love a story like this. Not only is she in the dark in the figurative sense, as she is thoroughly devoid of brain cells, but the electricity in Anna Nicole Smith's house has actually been shut off.

Sorry, we're still not over it.

Apparently Anna Nicole has lost her appeal (again, literally, not in terms of her sexiness or other redeeming qualities) and the power company that has left her in the dark is content to keep it that way. And God bless them for it.

As first reported Monday by TMZ, Ben Thompson, Anna's former fling who owns the home where she's living, turned off the power after Anna and her huge breasts refused to pay for staying there. Smith's lawyers proceeded to go ape$h!t and the power company quickly gave her a reprieve.

But Ben meant business and the lights are now officially off.

The mother of Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern is still inside the house, which ironically has worked to her benefit. The police showed up yesterday to serve her with a second eviction notice -- and couldn't get in because the electric gate wouldn't budge!

You know what they say: Every dark cloud has its silver lining. And you know what else they say: Every love triangle with Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern has its bastard love child and coincides with the death of the woman's 20-year-old son.

Yikes.

Anna Nicole Smith has a lot of problems these days. Most recently, her power was turned off at home.

Before that, the former Playboy model was worried that her son Daniel's soul was stuck in the afterlife. And we all know how awkward that can be.

Then, of course, there's that whole baby daddy thing. Is it Howard K. Stern? Larry Birkhead? A myriad of other contenders?

Perhaps worst of all, however, is that Anna will always look like she does below. Granted, she'll be able to pick up shopping bags without her twig-like arms breaking off (sorry, Nicole Richie), but she'll also scare children under the age of 10.

Before Anna Nicole Smith worries too much about the final resting place of her son, she may wanna focus on the lights in her house.

Smith has been living with her newborn baby and attorney Howard K. Stern in a residence in the Bahamas owned by former "friend," G. Ben Thompson. But Thompson wants the pair out.

And last Friday, he contacted the power company rep to pull the plug.

Without warning, Anna had no juice for her hairdryer, no power to watch read The Hollywood Gossip online and find out the latest regarding Jude Law and Sienna Miller. Nothing.

Four hours later, after lots of threats from her lawyer, the power company agreed to a temporary reprieve until today.

On Friday, though, Thompson and his son-in-law flew to the Bahamas and served Smith with an eviction lawsuit. According to TMZ.com, Smith ran back inside the house, then appeared on the balcony and, in classic antebellum style, began screaming:

"You get off this property. This is a gift and I ain't ever leaving. And I'll show you, Ben, you ain't never gonna see the baby again! You did a declaration for that f***head Larry Birkhead!"

We think that quote speaks for itself.