Alec Baldwin

Holy crap.

That's all we can say after an enraged Alec Baldwin apparently unleashed a tirade of threats, insults and unrelenting rage against on his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland, a quote-unquote "little pig" who has "insulted [him] for the last time."

Ireland failed to answer her father's scheduled call from New York April 11, causing Alec Baldwin to lose his freaking $h!t on her voicemail.

"Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone," the 30 Rock star seethed, before going off on a lengthy rant against his ex-wife and Ireland's mother, Kim Basinger.

"I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old or 11 years old, or a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do... You've make me feel like sh!t."

"This crap you pull on me with this godd@mn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother," Baldwin, who has been called a tyrant bastard, continues, "... and you do it to me constantly over and over again."

CLICK HERE to hear the audio clip, obtained exclusively by TMZ.

This is disturbing stuff. All we can say is that this is one screwed up family... one that makes the family of Lindsay Lohan seem normal. Well, sort of. Okay, not really.

Alec Baldwin just can't find the right woman.

Some might say that's because he's a boorish, Saddam Hussein-like tyrant. Others might counter that it's not his fault his ex-wife, Kim Basinger, went insane.

Regardless, Baldwin might be turning to the Internets for help getting back onto the dating scene. In an interview in the February issue of Glamour, Baldwin says he's thought about online dating, and imagines the kind of responses he might get.

"I could post my picture and say, 'People tell me I look like Alec Baldwin.' They'll go, 'Oh, I hate him' or 'Who the hell is he?'"

Since his split from Basinger, his wife of eight years, in 2002, Baldwin, has been linked to various women, including Sex and the City star Kristin Davis and lawyer Nicole Seidel.

But he says despite the swinging image that goes along with it, the life of a bachelor isn't easy (Lorenzo Borghese can certainly attest to that).

"You meet people who are great, but they're not who you want to turn the lights out with," said the Golden Globe nominated 30 Rock star.

In fact, the actor says he wants to feel the kind of love he once shared with Basinger, with whom he's now embroiled in an ugly custody battle over their 11-year-old daughter, Ireland.

"I would love to marry (again). I want to be in love again," Baldwin said. "I was in love when I was married, I'm not ashamed to say. I used to wake up in the morning and just look at (Kim) and say, 'What do you want for breakfast, baby? Special K with blueberries? Let me go get some.' "

If he does find the right woman, does the most famous of all those crazy Baldwin brothers want to have more children?

"Yes. The only time I'm truly happy is with my daughter. I can't think that this is my only shot at fatherhood," he said.

Alec, we have some good news for you: Courtney Love is not only single, but already doing the Internet dating thing. She's definitely your type.

Channeling her inner Pete Doherty (and apparently in need of a lawyer as good as his), actress Kim Basinger may face 60 days in jail and a $12,000 fine when she makes an appearance in court tomorrow on 12 contempt of court charges.

Basinger is accused of breaching a custody agreement she shares with ex-husband Alec Baldwin, who claims she failed to notify him when she was out of town and also failed to inform him when their daughter, Ireland, suffered an injury that required medical attention.

Baldwin, who has been liked to Saddam Hussein by his former spouse, alleges the actress has a "pathological need" to keep Ireland away from her father, and that "her resentments are more precious to her than the emotional well-being of her child."

Odds are, of course, that Kim Basinger will get a mere slap on the wrist. And as usual, Basinger will continue to be insane and prevent Alec from seeing Ireland.

Now, the Gossip isn't calling the man a saint (he's no Stephen Baldwin) but we're also not calling him a crazed criminal (he's no Daniel Baldwin).

Seriously, the courts are so weak that it makes us wonder what the point of the whole charade is. When it comes to celebrities, the judicial system is seen the way Alec Baldwin thinks of condoms - an unnecessary nuisance.

The best-known Baldwin brother may be a tyrant bastard to fellow actors, but if Kim isn't holding up her end of the parenting bargain, she should be reprimanded. Just like Nicole Richie and operating motor vehicles. You just can't have this stuff going on.

We know what the set of The Departed was filled with: great actors. From Matt Damon to Leonardo DiCaprio, there was no shortage of star power.

We also now know what was missing from this film's set: condoms.

Jack Nicholson admitted to never protecting himself during bedroom romps in an interview a few weeks ago. After talking with Howard Stern, it seems as though co-star, Alec Baldwin, also isn't a friend of the rubber.

For some reason, Stern asked the actor yesterday: "What about your use of condoms? Do you use condoms with your girlfriend?"

The 30 Rock star replied, "No, never. I don't go for them."

And there you have it. While Scarlett Johansson and her twice yearly HIV tests would take issue with Baldwin, Stern echoed the sentiment of condom-nation.

The Gossip, meanwhile, recommends safe sex. But when your ex-wife, Kim Basinger, is possibly going insane, guess there's more to worry about.

Alec Baldwin was a "total bastard" and "tyrant" on the set of The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing, driving co-star Sarah Michelle Gellar and other crew members berserk with his rantings, says a source who worked on the upcoming movie.

"He was always pissed about the schedule of the film, and even once said he was doing it just for the money," said a movie insider. "He kept saying, 'This is the last movie I'll ever make' to everyone when he was stomping around the set."

Our source added that Gellar, whom the source credited as "professional and hard working," called Baldwin a nice guy strictly for the sake of PR.

"She hated that he was always telling the director what to do and calling the shots about everything, and that he was constantly on the phone with his lawyer screaming at the top of his lungs and cursing," the inside source dishes.

Gellar's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, insists, "It's completely not true. She loves Alec - they stuck together like glue. Sarah Michelle should be Alec's publicist."

A friend of Baldwin told the New York Post the following:

"If he raised his voice, it was over the custody of his daughter, Ireland, because [ex-wife Kim Basinger] has made him insane. She had put unbelievable pressure on him... She's a total [expletive] psychopath. And his daughter means everything to him."

Still, the actor's volcanic temper is legendary. Last April, actress Jan Maxwell quit the off-Broadway play "Entertaining Mr. Sloane," charging that Baldwin's behavior created an unhealthy and oppressive situation on stage and off.

Baldwin's tantrums, which included putting his fist through a wall because the air conditioning wasn't high enough, made her fear for her physical safety, mental health and artistic integrity, she said.

Yikes. Someone could use a little God in their life. Call Stephen Baldwin!

The war of words between Saddam Hussein Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger is heating up some more. Since their divorce in 2002, the stars have been involved in an ongoing custody battle over their daughter, Ireland.

In the October issue of GQ (in which he also made some interesting remarks about Tom Cruise), Baldwin unleashes a barrage of insults aimed at one of Basinger's lawyers, Judy Bogen (pictured, left).

Specifically, he calls her a "300-pound homunculus whose face looks like a cross between a bulldog and a clenched fist. She's this hideously angry-looking woman. She'd snarl and hiss."

Basinger's retort: "I am appalled by the statements made by Alec Baldwin in GQ. I am sickened by the fact that somebody can speak this way about another human being. My lawyers, Judy Bogen and Neal Hersh, have done nothing but fight to protect my daughter and me from this vile behavior. After reading this article, everybody will finally see what I've known and experienced for many years."

People, people. Can't we all just get along? If Alec's brother, Stephen Baldwin, were here, he'd say the same thing... along with plenty of other inane things, such as how you will all rot in the fiery pits of hell unless you let him save your soul.

Actor / Jesus freak Stephen Baldwin (left), who has been promoting his new book, The Unusual Suspect, about his life as a born-again Christian, says he is here to save Tom Cruise from the evils of Scientology and talks about him frequently in discussions with the Almighty.

Stephen's brother, Alec Baldwin, is not quote so quick to condemn Cruise, though. In an upcoming GQ interview, he says everyone should lay off Tom because... well, at least he's not a terrorist.

"I think what's been done to Tom is kind of silly," Alec said. "I don't really understand Tom's religious beliefs; nor do I want to. All I know is I don't see people who are disciples of Tom's faith driving planes into the World Trade Center. When Scientologists start crashing planes into the Pentagon, then I think we should sit Tom down and have a grand jury talk to him. In the meantime, let's just leave him alone."

Seriously, people! Lay off Tom Cruise! Have you no shame!?!

Touching on Stephen Baldwin again, apparently Cruise is not the only celeb he talks to God about, nor is he the only soul who needs rescuing. Here are a few of Steve's recent comments about other T.H. Gossip favorites:

-- Rosie O'Donnell, who likened radical Christians to radical Islam and to terrorists on The View last week: "It was a very provocative thing to say. My response is thank God for Christians, because that's a whole lot of people who are praying for her. I'm praying that, hopefully, at some point Rosie will experience the true loving spirit of Jesus Christ. I can also challenge her to a caged wrestling match."

-- Angelina Jolie and her baby's daddy, Brad Pitt: "He comes from Christian roots. I pray that he will do the right thing and marry that girl."

-- Hillary Clinton: "I pray that the spirit of God will come upon her and result in her having just a little bit more fun."

Wonder if he would endorse Oprah for President.

Washed-up movie star Alec Baldwin is currently paying the bills on TV shows embroiled in an acrimonious custody battle over his daughter with ex-wife Kim Basinger.

How bad is this domestic dispute? Basinger once referred to her husband as Saddam Hussein. Ouch! The moniker so upset Baldwin that he didn't want to get out of bed for some time afterwards, according to GQ. Baldwin, 48, was married to Basinger, 52, for many years (some of which were happy) before they separated in 2000. Their daughter, Ireland Eliesse, is 10.

While no one would ask to be likened to the deposed Iraqi strongman, Alec can take comfort in this fact: At least she didn't call him Osama bin Laden. Or mistake him for his insane-o brother, Stephen Baldwin.