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You Can’t Do That On Television
Our Unscientific Predictions For The Season That Never Was

Although we can???t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.

For those of you already starting to panic over the prospect of enduring several weeks (or even months) without any new episodes of your favorite television shows, we’ve taken the liberty of preemptively filling that void by coming up with our predictions for the season ahead.

Please be forewarned that the forthcoming episode guide is a purely imaginative/procastinative effort, and readers are advised to overlook any glaring inaccuracies, predictable plot trajectories or flat one-liners as needed.

Lost: Still trapped on the island, the castaways experience some “Lord of the Flies” style mutiny when the legions of nameless one-dimensional characters finally tire of taking all their orders from a good looking doctor, an overweight lottery winner and a borderline anorexic ex-con. Meanwhile, someone finally marvels at the bizarre coincidence of having two characters with opposing viewpoints named Locke and Rousseau and Sawyer reveals how to maintain chiseled abs after being locked in small, enclosed space for weeks on end.

Friday Night Lights: As Coach Taylor and his players continue to face new and increasingly more difficult personal challenges, they eventually come to see that the hardships they’ve endured in their own lives are even more painful than the physical injuries sustained on the field. Also, an unattractive transfer student at Dillon High School is heartbroken when she discovers that every single one of her female classmates could easily double as a Victoria’s Secret model.

The Office: Michael and Jan continue to date and break up, Jim and Pam continue to date and break up, Dwight continues to remind you of that socially awkward guy in your office who craves authority, stares intensely at your breasts and responds to innocuous questions (like “How’s the weather?”) with long psychotic rants. Also: You start to realize that shows predicated around intra-office humor are hilarious, but in a “That’s funny, because it’s just like my sucky life and dead-end job” sort of way.

Ugly Betty: In an environment where superficial attributes are valued above intelligence and moral fortitude, Betty gradually learns to channel her inner beauty and dismiss the small-minded criticisms of those around her. However, Betty’s position at Mode as the “smart, unattractive one” is temporarily threatened when an unsightly mailroom assistant gets promoted to the position of part-time night secretary. Meanwhile, Vanessa Williams’ character is delighted when she’s named as the official Oil of Olay spokeswoman, but is subsequently fired when she’s found to be devoid of any/all facial expression.

Grey’s Anatomy: Working in an environment where every decision has life or death consequences, the residents become increasingly aware of the impact which even the most trivial of choices has on their lives and the lives of those around them. At the same time, interns, nurses, surgeons and orderlies marvel over the fact that one of the hospital elevators is reserved exclusively for the use of Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd, and doctors Yang, Stephens, Kerev, O’Malley and Bailey all eventually come to the long overdue realization that Meredith is, in fact, the most annoying person in the hospital

Law & Order S.V.U.: New York city based detectives work in tandem with local district attorneys to solve violent sex crimes and prosecute the offenders. Sexual tensions between Stabler and Benson continue to build until they reach epic (i.e. Mulder/Scully) proportions, however things never escalate any further than the “long, meaningful glances” phases. Meanwhile, the hot, blond D.A. struggles with wisecracking judges, crooked defense attorneys and a demonstrable reduction of air-time and marvels at the fact that she’s been reduced to wearing omnipresent black-rimmed glasses in order to be taken seriously. Later on in the season, Mariska Hargitay’s character contemplates drastically changing her hair, but eventually decides that feathered bangs, and blond highlights with dark roots constitute follically based offenses that are considered especially heinous.

Nov 13, 2007 · Link · Repond

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