I've always wanted a little girl since I'm such a girly girly. I immediately started crying. I couldn't believe it. I have my beautiful little boy and now I'll have my little girl! It's amazing.

I think she looks great. To be honest, I haven't noticed a difference, so all of a sudden when I saw her on the cover, in my opinion, she's [still] Jessica Simpson. You know what this means? She's still really popular.

Tori Spelling [on Jessica Simpson]

She was a star and a true lady, and she will be missed greatly. People everywhere knew her by name. I loved when fans wanted her over me. I felt proud!

Tori Spelling [on dead dog]

"I'm miserable and I'm unhappy." - Dean, getting right down to business, and not just because a lizard crawled onto him (which did happen obviously)

"It's a lie. I don't know what to tell you, babe. The whole thing about having her on the show too … the more she comes across is as this wonderful, loving person, people are watching going like 'Yeah what the f--k is Dean's problem?'" - Dean, on Mary Jo joining True Tori and compounding Dean's f--king problems

"I think in general, I have an issue with wanting people to like me." - Tori, in a rare moment of self-awareness, stating one of her many obvious issues

"Oh no, there's paparazzi!" - Tori, to the camera guy in the backseat of her car, without irony, because OMG she did NOT want anyone to see her crying.

"Charlie refused to meet Tori on camera." - Lifetime caption after Tori's ex-husband Charlie Shanian refused to be filmed for the confrontation she hyped up so much. You can't make this stuff up.

"I have hot pink lips. That's gonna annoy me the whole time. I thought they were berry-colored." - Tori, expressing a huge concern on her way to meet Charlie

"I gave her a great life. She's f--king crazy. She's f--king delusional, now I'm starting to get really mad." - Dean on ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace

"What's keeping you in this marriage?" - True Tori producer to Tori, who cried and said that when there are children involved, you look at it differently (on reality television if at all possible)

"I was feeling really bad about my potato-making skills." - Tori, after Dean felt that she had microwaved a potato incorrectly, sending her plunging into an existential crisis and a state of instant self-loathing

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