My mother didn’t bother asking why I had opened Grace’s vagina. This was within the spectrum of things that I did.

Most people’s jobs don’t consist of slamming your vagina against the flaccid, nylon-wrapped penis of a guy wearing massive amounts of foundation to conceal his assne.

drama, jealousy, drunkenness, friendships ended and cats inherited.

The story has everything

I am thinking particularly of a shower I took where the lower half of my body was under the running water and the upper half was laid out on the bath mat, eating a loaf of bread.

This was the same year that I became a vegan. This was inspired by a love of puppies and also a cow who winked at me on a family vacation to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines.

Revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.

My mother invented the selfie.

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Once, when I was five, I was at an art opening talking to a fabulous drunken British lady.

My earliest memory of sexual arousal is watching Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in Bad News Bears.

One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, 'Who am I?'

Barbie’s disfigured. It’s OK to play with her just as long as you keep that in mind.

A year later I have to change my screen name because a boy at school, a massive hairy boy with a face like a Picasso painting, sends me an email saying he’s going to rape me and cover me in barbecue sauce.