This was the same year that I became a vegan. This was inspired by a love of puppies and also a cow who winked at me on a family vacation to Saint Vincent and the Grenadines.

Revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.

My mother invented the selfie.

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Once, when I was five, I was at an art opening talking to a fabulous drunken British lady.

My earliest memory of sexual arousal is watching Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in Bad News Bears.

One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, 'Who am I?'

Barbie’s disfigured. It’s OK to play with her just as long as you keep that in mind.

A year later I have to change my screen name because a boy at school, a massive hairy boy with a face like a Picasso painting, sends me an email saying he’s going to rape me and cover me in barbecue sauce.

I was being desexualized in slow motion, becoming a teddy bear with breasts.

I learned to masturbate the summer after third grade.

Intercourse felt, often, like shoving a loofah into a Mason jar.

I am hot. I am hungry for a snack. But mostly, I am alone.