"Being a step-mom is usually a no-win situation." - Tori, in the truest words ever spoken on True Tori

"It’s like Alice & Wonderland, but like the rave slash Halloween nighttime version." - Tori, on a totally appropriate 16th birthday party for stepson Jack

"It's a lie. I don't know what to tell you, babe. The whole thing about having her on the show too … the more she comes across is as this wonderful, loving person, people are watching going like 'Yeah what the f--k is Dean's problem?'" - Dean, on Mary Jo joining True Tori and compounding Dean's f--king problems

"I gave her a great life. She's f--king crazy. She's f--king delusional, now I'm starting to get really mad." - Dean on ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace

"Can you and Daddy take turns taking me to cheer?" - Kid, reading the cue card fairly convincingly

"Oh no, there's paparazzi!" - Tori, to the camera guy in the backseat of her car, without irony, because OMG she did NOT want anyone to see her crying.

"Charlie refused to meet Tori on camera." - Lifetime caption after Tori's ex-husband Charlie Shanian refused to be filmed for the confrontation she hyped up so much. You can't make this stuff up.

"I have hot pink lips. That's gonna annoy me the whole time. I thought they were berry-colored." - Tori, expressing a huge concern on her way to meet Charlie

"I think in general, I have an issue with wanting people to like me." - Tori, in a rare moment of self-awareness, stating one of her many obvious issues

"I'm miserable and I'm unhappy." - Dean, getting right down to business, and not just because a lizard crawled onto him (which did happen obviously)

"What's keeping you in this marriage?" - True Tori producer to Tori, who cried and said that when there are children involved, you look at it differently (on reality television if at all possible)

"I was feeling really bad about my potato-making skills." - Tori, after Dean felt that she had microwaved a potato incorrectly, sending her plunging into an existential crisis and a state of instant self-loathing