"I took a kitchen knife with me in my purse." - Tori, on the first time she met Mary Jo Eustace
"My parents, rule wise, were really strict. 18 years old, I was on a hit TV show." - Tori on her rough upbringing
"They kind of sit together and hash out old things and I usually sit there, feeling really awkward." - Tori, watching Dean and Mary Jo
"I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I continue to make a lot of mistakes in my life. It would be really hypocritical of me to come down on him for making a mistake like that." - Dean, comparing his teenage son inviting too many people to his party to his own "mistakes"
"Being a step-mom is usually a no-win situation." - Tori, in the truest words ever spoken on True Tori
"It’s like Alice & Wonderland, but like the rave slash Halloween nighttime version." - Tori, on a totally appropriate 16th birthday party for stepson Jack
"It's a lie. I don't know what to tell you, babe. The whole thing about having her on the show too … the more she comes across is as this wonderful, loving person, people are watching going like 'Yeah what the f--k is Dean's problem?'" - Dean, on Mary Jo joining True Tori and compounding Dean's f--king problems
"I gave her a great life. She's f--king crazy. She's f--king delusional, now I'm starting to get really mad." - Dean on ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace
"Can you and Daddy take turns taking me to cheer?" - Kid, reading the cue card fairly convincingly
"Oh no, there's paparazzi!" - Tori, to the camera guy in the backseat of her car, without irony, because OMG she did NOT want anyone to see her crying.
"Charlie refused to meet Tori on camera." - Lifetime caption after Tori's ex-husband Charlie Shanian refused to be filmed for the confrontation she hyped up so much. You can't make this stuff up.
"I have hot pink lips. That's gonna annoy me the whole time. I thought they were berry-colored." - Tori, expressing a huge concern on her way to meet Charlie