"If that’s what he was looking for - a free ticket - it didn’t work out." - Tori in response to Mary Jo's claim that he was most attracted to Tori's money

"Our common denominator is Dean. It just makes sense that we’d want to talk about it." - Tori on her totally normal plan to meet up with Mary Jo Eustace

"Dean feels like the show is a mistake and it’s hurting our relationship, not helping it." - Tori, in the second biggest understatement in the history of human civilization

"I feel like I'm a little bit of a laughing stock." - Dean, in the biggest understatement in the history of human civilization

"She’s kind of the one person I want to talk about the affair with." - Tori, on Mary Jo, because obviously that's what she thinks is a good idea, without giving any consideration to her reality show

"I took a kitchen knife with me in my purse." - Tori, on the first time she met Mary Jo Eustace

"My parents, rule wise, were really strict. 18 years old, I was on a hit TV show." - Tori on her rough upbringing

"They kind of sit together and hash out old things and I usually sit there, feeling really awkward." - Tori, watching Dean and Mary Jo

"I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I continue to make a lot of mistakes in my life. It would be really hypocritical of me to come down on him for making a mistake like that." - Dean, comparing his teenage son inviting too many people to his party to his own "mistakes"

"Being a step-mom is usually a no-win situation." - Tori, in the truest words ever spoken on True Tori

"It’s like Alice & Wonderland, but like the rave slash Halloween nighttime version." - Tori, on a totally appropriate 16th birthday party for stepson Jack

"It's a lie. I don't know what to tell you, babe. The whole thing about having her on the show too … the more she comes across is as this wonderful, loving person, people are watching going like 'Yeah what the f--k is Dean's problem?'" - Dean, on Mary Jo joining True Tori and compounding Dean's f--king problems