"I gave her a great life. She's f--king crazy. She's f--king delusional, now I'm starting to get really mad." - Dean on ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace

"Can you and Daddy take turns taking me to cheer?" - Kid, reading the cue card fairly convincingly

"Oh no, there's paparazzi!" - Tori, to the camera guy in the backseat of her car, without irony, because OMG she did NOT want anyone to see her crying.

"Charlie refused to meet Tori on camera." - Lifetime caption after Tori's ex-husband Charlie Shanian refused to be filmed for the confrontation she hyped up so much. You can't make this stuff up.

"I have hot pink lips. That's gonna annoy me the whole time. I thought they were berry-colored." - Tori, expressing a huge concern on her way to meet Charlie

"I think in general, I have an issue with wanting people to like me." - Tori, in a rare moment of self-awareness, stating one of her many obvious issues

"I'm miserable and I'm unhappy." - Dean, getting right down to business, and not just because a lizard crawled onto him (which did happen obviously)

"What's keeping you in this marriage?" - True Tori producer to Tori, who cried and said that when there are children involved, you look at it differently (on reality television if at all possible)

"I was feeling really bad about my potato-making skills." - Tori, after Dean felt that she had microwaved a potato incorrectly, sending her plunging into an existential crisis and a state of instant self-loathing

He is an older Jewish man who, before deciding to inspect ladies down there for a living, played for the Mets. He inserted the speculum as he described his wife’s commitment to her spin classes.

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The coolest clique at school was a group of rugby-playing, neon-wearing lesbians.

There I am, drunk on a spring night, yanking my tampon out and hurling it into a bush outside the church.