The joke’s on all of you. This is not a roast. This is my greatest most elaborate art installation ever. I’m not the real guest of honor, these aren’t real comedians and we’re not even on a real network. What you’ve seen tonight was my brilliant opus to sequester an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of talentless abnormalities. I call it Genius Unscathed and this is my masterpiece.James Franco
Andy Samberg, looking forward to your new show Brooklyn 99. Funny cops. You’re always pushing the envelope Andy. What’s going to happen when you run out of funny crimes like graffiti and pickpockets? Can’t wait to see episode 10 when Brooklyn 99 has to deal with a rape. ‘Oh I dropped the rape kit. Sporgie Dorg!’Bill Hader
Bill Hader was brilliant on SNL and when he left the show every single person was like, ‘What are you doing? You’re never ever going to work again.’ And what does my man Bill do? Boom, he books a T-Mobile commercial. Who’s laughing now, Lorne Michaels? My man Bill is. If that thing goes national, we could be talking like 10, 15 grand. This guy’s cashing checks from the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation. I respect Bill because Sprint was coming after him hard, but he held out for that f–k you T Mobile money.Jonah Hill
Andy Samberg’s comedy group is called The Lonely Island, which is how each of his teeth feel.Natasha Leggero
I don't even have people's phone numbers. I almost don't want to have a girlfriend in this environment.Robert Pattinson
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I'm a southern girl. You make it fried, I will eat it.Melissa Rycroft
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I don't have a Twitter, a MySpace or a Facebook or anything like that... I kind of value in people not knowing where I am or what I'm doing.Zac Efron
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Do I know my life is weird? It's all I've ever known. I don't see it as being weird.Britney Spears
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