by Free Britney at . Comments

Like, OMG. Angelina Jolie was apparently thisclose to ending it all before Brad Pitt heroically saved her from a rash suicide attempt, a certain tabloid reports.

While we can't avoid giving the National Enquirer its due - they blew the lid off Isaiah Washington f-word gate, John Edwards' love child with Rielle Hunter and Tiger Woods' affair with Rachel Uchitel - we're not buying this for a second.

Whether you believe it or not is up to you, but the gossip rag reports that after recently falling into a deep depression, Angelina Jolie attempted suicide!

Fortunately, life partner Brad Pitt sprung into action to make sure the mother of his 147 children wasn't Taking Lives - wow, she walked into that one.

The sultry brunette beauty confessed to Brad that she was afraid her suicidal tendencies would return after learning he had made plans to move out.

That would seriously drive us to end it all too.

BRANGELINA BEDLAM! Phew, Brad saved Angie in the nick of time.

Not that this actually took place, mind you, but we're guessing when the Enquirer editors made it up, Jennifer Aniston somehow factored into the mix.

Fortunately (and laughably) Pitt assured her the separation was temporary, and their love would survive the test. This is Oscar-worthy material here.

"Brad was in France checking on their chateau recently, and Angelina was in Los Angeles with the kids when she called him in a panic," a friend divulged.

"She told him, 'When you're not around, I get these terrible feelings. I got the same feelings when I was younger, and that's when I tried to kill myself.'

"Angelina said, 'I feel lost without you. I'm being abandoned.'" Thankfully, though, Angelina Jolie is still among the living as of right now. Good job Brad!

Nice Brad reassured high-strung Angelina he wasn't leaving for good, even if they're apart, saying "I'll always be there for you and the kids, I promise.'"

More on her bitter showdown with Jen next week, we're sure, thanks to tabloids have an In Case of Slow Gossip Week, Create Brangelina Gossip policy.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

People magazine has recognized Taylor Swift with her second-biggest honor of the week.

First, THG editors named the superstar the seventh most important celebrity of 2009.

Now, the aforementioned publication has placed Swift on the cover of its special year-end issue, dubbing her one of the 25 most fascinating individuals of the past 12 months. Replied Taylor, when asked about her life these days?

"It feels like this ongoing dream."

It's pretty much impossible to dislike Swift, considering she sounds more mature and more grounded the more successful she becomes.

"You can stay the same person, even if everything around you changes," she tells the magazine. "I would like to think everybody out there isn't just waiting for me to trip and fall and stumble out of a club drunk."

Also honored by People in the issue: Kate Gosselin, Sandra Bullock, Jacyee Duggard and Robert Pattinson. It's an eclectic group. But, hey, it's been an eclectic year!

by Free Britney at . Comments

Jake Pavelka was billed as Mr. Perfect last season on The Bachelorette.

Too perfect, in fact, for Jillian Harris, who found no spark with Jake despite the hunky pilot's good looks, sweet demeanor and readiness to settle down.

Ben Flajnik, The Bachelor Cast

Now, as the newly-minted star of The Bachelor, Jake is buckled up and will be calling the shots on the 14th installment of ABC's reality dating bonanza.

Below, he gets ready for takeoff in a new Q&A with the N.Y. Post ...

Q: You said you “had your heart broken” by Jillian on The Bachelorette. Was it weird to watch after you finished taping? How do you feel about her now?

Jake Pavelka: When I left the show, I was really very disappointed; I thought there was really a connection there. We spoke the same love language.

I felt like I had been dumped out of a real serious relationship. It was definitely tough watching Jillian on TV. I handed her my heart; it didn’t work out.

Q: You’ve said you "believe in the process" of meeting someone on The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. But a lot of the couples from the show break up.

Jake Pavelka: I don’t understand why more haven’t worked out. They make it possible to completely ignore the camera. They don’t put you in weird situations. They've never said “Can you retake this?” or “Can you say this?” Everything was realistic.

EDITOR'S NOTE: What a liar.

Q: Did you know right away who your favorites would be?

Jake Pavelka: I heard that I’d probably know my final four would be as they were getting out of the limos [on the season premiere episode]. But to be honest, I had absolutely no idea for several episodes who the final four would be.

Q: If you could send Jillian a message now, what would you say?

Jake Pavelka: "Congratulations, that’s unbelievable about your engagement [to Ed Swiderski]. I'm a huge fan. Maybe in the future we can be friends.”

Will Jake be a good Bachelor?

 

by Free Britney at . Comments

Yesterday, readers were given the challenge of writing the best caption for this classic picture of Jon Gosselin gesturing and saying ... well, that was up to you.

Your THG Caption Contest winner for this pic: shellga.

Congratulations on a job well done! The winning entry appears below the photo, and you can click here to read the full list of submissions sent in for it.

Thanks to everyone for playing! Good luck next time!

He Likes 'Em This Big

STORK? WHAT STORK? DID SOMEONE SAY STORK??? SH...TT!!!!

by Free Britney at . Comments

With each passing day, it's looking like less of a question of whether Elin Nordegren Woods will leave cheating husband Tiger and more a matter of when.

Moving crews yesterday descended on the family's Florida mansion, where Tiger Woods' furious wife has been living since his sexual escapades blew up.

Elin Nordegren and Her Children

"She's making plans to move out and take the kids," a New York Post source said. She's planning to go somewhere warm and Tiger-free for Christmas."

As for why the scorned spouse, who's already been seen without her wedding ring, stuck around this long? "Their son had the flu, but he's now recovered."

Workers pulled up to the Windermere, Fla., estate in a truck with ladders, buckets and rope, and began carting out items such as carefully wrapped art.

Elin Nordegren spent about 10 minutes instructing movers before driving off in her red Buick SUV with daughter Sam, 2, and son Charlie, 10 months.

Tiger and soon-to-be-ex-wife Elin Woods with kids Sam and Charlie.

Adding to Elin's stress - and giving her even more reason to divorce Tiger - might be a new claim by several Tiger Woods mistresses that he paid them.

Not just for sex, although he has been accused of that too. Reports say Tiger shelled out thousands to keep them quiet about any steamy sexual antics.

The billionaire golfer would typically wire his stable of women $5,000 to $10,000 apiece each month, although one may have landed up to $20,000.

"The money comes via a wire transfer," one of the alleged ex-mistresses said. "There's no contract about it. There's no discussion about what it's for."

We all know what it's for, though: Shutting up. Or liposuction.

Tiger Woods is also said to have contacted some of his mistresses after the epic fight with his wife over Thanksgiving weekend exposed his secret life.

"Elin took his cellphone away [after the fight], so he had to call [me] from his land line at home," one said. "He hasn't called in at least a week, though."

Tell us what you think: Elin Woods should ...

 

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

Sorry, Miley Cyrus supporters. But you can no longer wonder why your role model was named the Worst Celebrity Influence of 2009.

After all, she's apparently been showing little sister Noah Cyrus just what she and Liam Hemsworth do in the bedroom.

Backstage at a concert this week, Miley and a few dancers whooped and hollered in encouragement as the nine-year old danced to Akon's "Smack That" and sung lyrics that include:

Smack that, all on the floor
Smack that, give me some more
Smack that, 'til you get sore
Smack that, oh ooh

Watch below, as Noah possibly gets bent over, looks back and sees her older sister cheering on her inappropriate antics:

Remember Noah's Halloween outfit, too? The Cyrus family has this tyke primed to pose for Playboy and/or sleep with Tiger Woods as soon as she turns 18.

Shame on them.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Lindsay Lohan may be "in compliance" with the terms of her DUI probation, but a judge ordered the star to step it up with her alcohol education classes.

"I am going to order [that] this has to be done. It’s been long enough," Judge Marsha Revel declared at L.A. Superior Court in Beverly Hills on Tuesday.

The train wreck must now start "attending every single week" in order to fulfill the more than six months of program time necessary by July 15, 2010.

"This has to be the top priority whether she has a job somewhere else or something else comes up," Revel said. "This has to be done once a week."

Outta Control LiLo

Lindsay Lohan needs more AA meetings. And food. Holy crap, girl, you are looking pretty gaunt these days. Yech. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

The judge reiterated that Lindsay Lohan's other projects - whatever the hell those are - should not take precedence over her alcohol education program.

"Right now, the other things will take second place and this will take first place," Revel declared, setting a new Lohan progress hearing for February 18.

Guess those topless photos in random magazines will have to come second. As will updating her family's website with the latest old clothes she's selling.

Proving she's not entirely useless, Lindsay Lohan recently spent a week in India, making a documentary on human trafficking of women and children with BBC.

by Hilton Hater at . Comments

During her time with Hugh Hefner, Kendra Wilkinson learned how to use her vagina; change diapers; and make headlines.

Now, in her marriage to Hank Baskett, the former Girl Next Door has mastered all three skills.

Kevin and Jayden James Federline

She squeezed out her first kid last week, giving birth to Hank Baskett IV on December 11. Mere days later, from her hospital room, Kendra spoke to OK! Weekly about the process of child bearing.

"I was induced early in the morning; then it was wait, wait, wait. I was experiencing contractions throughout the day, and I was anxious. I kept checking the monitor every second, like 'Is it happening yet?'" she said.

Once the tyke was born, Wilkinson said: "I was just in heaven."

Makes sense. She likely already had a deal in place for cashing in on the birth via the cover story below.

Fellow E! star Kourtney Kardashian also gave birth for the first time this week. There's no doubt she and her valuable asset son will soon be featured on a magazine cover.

The dueling children got us to wondering: Which of these newborns is worse off - Mason Dash Disick or Hank Baskett IV?

 

by Free Britney at . Comments

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are no longer together.

We know you're sad. Please, hold a vigil tonight in your area.

The two end things two weeks ago, even as they insisted they hadn't. "They needed time to figure it out and they were on different coasts," a source says.

"When they were finally together, they talked things out and decided they're not going to be together anymore. There are no other people involved."

"The relationship just ended, as is often the case. It just fizzled out. But they also wanted to be careful and private about it because of Reese's kids."

FAREWELL, GYLLENSPOON: Jake and Reese had a good run.

The new never talked about their romance. Earlier this month, Gyllenhaal made headline news when he used the g-word while promoting Brothers.

"I've learned so much from the kids in my life, and somehow they just become the center of your life and the way you look at things," the actor said.

"Obviously I exist in my girlfriend's world and my sister's world in a different way, but it's opened my heart and I want to be grown up as a result of it."

For now, though, it's a return to bachelorhood for ol' Jake.

by Free Britney at . Comments

Holly Sampson wants to set the record straight:

  • She once nailed Tiger Woods, sure.
  • But since it was just that one time, and it was only his bachelor party, so he wasn't married at the time, and that doesn't make her a mistress!

That's the porn star's story, anyway. There are those pesky reports of her being a prostitute and Woods using her escort service, but what can you do.

"I'm not his mistress," she said. "I've never been his mistress."

"I just don't believe in sleeping with married men. If I had the opportunity to sleep with Tiger while he was married I would never have done that."

Mistress or not, Holly tells Extra she's currently in talks with Vivid Entertainment to star in a porn film based on her one-night stand with Tiger Woods.

Get ready to see Tiger Woods as you've never seen him!

"There are things that are in the works," Sampson said. "Honestly, parodies are hilarious. I love that stuff. I know a lot of people that love that stuff."

Vivid Entertainment cofounder Steve Hirsch, however, hopes the flick will be a more accurate portrayal of Tiger Woods' sexy fling with Holly Sampson.

"We have shown Holly a script we're working on that would sort of detail her time with the world's #1 golfer. "We're thinking more like a docudrama."

"We want her to reenact events exactly as they happened."

Wow. One of Tiger Woods' mistresses - er, sorry, one-night stands - filmed as a XXX faux-documentary. Now that would be an erotic twist we didn't see coming.

Some proposed titles:

  • Tiger's Wood
  • The 19th Hole
  • Nine (Inch) Iron
  • The Ryder (D) Cup
  • Tiger Woods' Bachelor Party
  • I Banged the World's #1 Golfer and All I Got Was a Lousy Interview on Extra and a Few Poorly-Written Articles on Celebrity Gossip Websites
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