Hey, New Jersey residents, have you thanked Danielle Staub yet for putting your state on the map?
Hurry up and do so - and then read our Real Housewives correspondents' latest take on the antics of Danielle and company, courtesy of last night's episode...
Let me start out by saying that watching this show in HD is a scary experience. My cable company finally upgraded Bravo to HD and while I was initially excited about this change, now I don’t know if this is a good thing, especially when Danielle is on the screen.
You can see every smear of her pancake makeup, the shine reflecting off her artificially protruding cheekbones, and all the divots and pockmarks in her extremely freckled chest. If I squint, I can almost see the puncture marks from the Botox injections she has had. It’s the stuff of nightmares.
At the beginning of the episode, Shirtless Joe takes the girls to a karate center. (Side note: Is it just me or does that middle daughter, Gabriella, look NOTHING like the other ones or her parents? As the “Sesame Street” song says, one of these things is not like the others. Just saying.)
The girls are padded up for protection and then Shirtless Joe puts them in a circle and tries to get them to fight. It’s sort of gross watching Shirtless watch his girls pound each other, knowing what guys think about girls fighting other girls. “If you beat each other up I’m going to buy you a nice hot dog,” he tells them. Let me remind everyone that one of these children is three years old.
The girls proceed to fight using no karate principles or skills whatsoever. “Don’t mess with my girls. They’re tough cookies,” Teresa says. But aren’t they divas, too? Can one be both a diva and a karate master? This is a question for the ages.
Elsewhere, Danielle takes her tortured daughters to a self-defense lesson and, thrillingly, Discount Danny is there! Let’s be honest: He probably has no home so he just goes from one Danielle-focused activity to the next so he can be inside where it’s warm.
Danny seems to think that he is going to be teaching the ladies how to effectively beat down a ho, particularly the kind of ho who will pull your weave out of your skull. By “teaching” I mean that Danny stands in the corner in his Wal-Mart jeans watching the women with a creepy smile while professionals do the teaching.
To give Danielle something to visualize as she punches, it is decided that the instructor’s fists will be named “Teresa” and “Jacqueline." Danielle punches with vigor and glee while her daughters look on.
Don’t you wonder what that older daughter is thinking? The little one is probably still in the “I love my mommy” phase but the older one, Christine, has to realize her mom is bat-shit. “God, you’re into this,” says Christine as she sees the hellfire in her mom’s eyes. “It only takes one good smack to the head to make a person never walk again,” Danielle explains to us. “I need to watch my back.”
Advice for Christine: Choose an out-of-state college or, even better, an out-of-country college. You can escape from your mom!
Fortunately for us, the boxing field trip is not the end of Discount Danny’s presence in the episode. We are treated to one more look at him when he meets Danielle at a coffee shop to talk about Ashley and The Night of the Pulled Weave. Also in attendance is Danny’s nameless/voiceless sidekick. Who exactly is that guy? He’s shown up with Danny in a few episodes now and all he ever does is raise his eyebrows and nod his head. He appears to know even less English than Shirtless Joe.
Why on earth do these grown men care so much about Danielle and her endless fights?