If you thought that F-list mainstays Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to torture you with bikini photos or rants against Lauren Conrad, well, you were so wrong!

Today, at least.

This morning on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM show, Heidi showed off her musical "talent" with a rendition of her debut single (yes, she's working on an album), "Body Language."

That's bad enough, but it gets worse. Spencer Pratt grabbed the mic and showcased his hip-hop skillz, dropping some ill rhymes over the phat beats.

If you're the masochistic type, or just really bored and in need of a laugh, you can subject yourself to a portion of their "performance" by CLICKING HERE.

"Got my eyes on a sassy pearl… Heidi Montag, yeah, that's my girl!"

"Body Language" is produced by David Foster, a longtime music mogul who is - of course - now married to Brody Jenner's mother, Linda Thompson.

According to Heidi Montag, "Body Language" is dance and urban-inspired (she's down like that, yo) and she hopes it's played in clubs.

You know, maybe she's onto something there… but only if said clubs want to get people the hell out the door after last call.

It's not what you think. In fact, if you guessed "they're famous for no reason," obviously you haven't seen our boy Zac in High School Musical. Just saying.

Nicole Richie, Zac Efron are among several young stars recently spotted rocking crimson bracelets - much like the red Kabbalah string Madonna made famous a few years ago.

Is the trend making a comeback?

Richie (pictured here with the string on her limp, bony arm) and Lauren Conrad - also spotted wearing the string of late - each have been sporting a charm of a hand on them called a "hamsa," explains Rabbi Shmuley Boteach of TLC's Shalom in the Home.

"It's a kabbalistic symbol. Wearing it is meant to bring down God's mercy and kindness."

But a rep for Zac Efron (who's girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, also wears one), tells Us Weekly that his bracelet has no significance.

"It's not a kabbalah string," the rep said.

"There's no religious meaning [to the red string]."

Meanwhile, Lauren Conrad's rivals on The Hills, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, are probably rushing to try and patent string, as well as the color red, so they can cash in on this fad.

Say what you want about Clay Aiken, but the American Idol runner-up from season two is nothing if not unique.

Need evidence? Check out this clip of the singer channeling his inner Justin Timberlake during a recent rendition of "SexyBack." It's pretty entertaining.

And we can say this for certain: it's better than any junk that so-called singer Heidi Montag will come out with on her future album...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp8TtoN9iBY&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmusic%2Eaol%2Ecom%2Fpopeater[/youtube]

A new problem with a magazine trying to interview her. A new sexual conquest. Just another day in the life of the train wreck that is Britney Spears.

With Britney tapped to be Allure's September cover model, rumors spread that the pop star acted erratic - uncooperative and unfocused - on the set of the photo shoot.

But Allure's editor in chief, Linda Wells, is setting the record straight in her letter from the editor, saying "Britney showed up for Allure's cover shoot on time and ready to work."

Wells writes that Britney Spears did display some odd behavior at the shoot, however. Odd for normal people, anyway.

"She was entirely unselfconscious: She took off her wig and then stripped down to the waist, for no apparent reason, before sitting for hair and makeup," she said.

Wells describes Britney Spears as "agreeable and cooperative" during the photo shoot. And the mag managed to snap some revealing, half-nude photos (below)!

But this where the good news ends. As it turns out, Britney Spears never showed up for her promised interview with the magazine.

Britney missed four meetings for an interview with Allure, essentially turning the cover story into a first-person rant from the writer, Judith Newman, detailing her frustrations with the screwed up star's invariable string of cancellations.

Why is she so hard to track down? Maybe she's too busy having the sex with Criss Angel, who has suddenly become the biggest womanizer in Hollywood.

Cameron Diaz's recent fling and JoAnn Sarantakos‘ estranged husband was seen escorting Spears inside the Tower Beverly Hills Hotel on Wednesday night.The two held hands, then headed up to a suite on the 11th floor where he probably performed an "illusion" and made her clothes disappear. That's a tough feat.

Spears recently had a topless hot tub romp with 21-year-old student Matt Encinias at the Standard Downtown hotel. It has also been suggested that Spears and her former assistant, Shannon Funk, have made love. But that's another story. 

Britney Spears: Touched By an Angel. Criss.

Turns out Jennifer Braff is a Cougar with a past. A Playboy past, that is!

The woman that came in second to Amanda Salinas on the reality show Age of Love has come in first in the hearts (or pants) of many men over the years. That's because this 48-year old has a history of taking off her clothes.

As showcased in the pics below, Braff has posed numerous times for Hugh Hefner's publication. She actually appeared inside an issue a few years ago with model - and Paris Hilton supporter - Jennifer Rovero on the cover.

Jennifer Braff naked photos are making the rounds. Who knew this Cougar had it in her?

Typically, reality show contestants resort to nudity after their series has aired (see Olivia Mojica, Jennifer Toof, Larissa Aurora, etc.), but this is the first time since Antonella Barba that a hopeful star's past has come back to haunt her years later.

Think Mark Phillipoussis would have chosen differently if he'd known just how frisky Braff can be?

Meanwhile, other former and current Playboy models have been in the news recently:

• Karen McDougal is having sex with Bruce Willis;
• And Patrice Hollis is talking.

As for Amanda Beard nude? That beautiful athlete and Playboy cover girl is training for the 2008 Olympics.

Patrice Hollis was named Playboy's Miss September 2007.

Therefore, this model with 34DDD breasts seemed like a perfect candidate for the funny folks at College Humor to ask a few questions of. Let's see what she has to say...

Q: What is funnier and why: a kid walking into a glass door and falling down or a grown man falling down and instantly getting back up going "I'm fine…I'm fine."
A: I think a man falling is funnier because he's more embarrassed.

Q: What is sexier in a guy: ability to ski very well or ability to snowboard very well?
A: Either one as long as he doesn't fall.

This is Patrice Hollis, Miss September 2007, courtesy of IMAGEZZ.com. If Antonella Barba ever accepted Hugh Hefner's offer, we're guessing she'd pick up an honor or two, as well.

Q: Did you get to choose how much of your body to show in the pictures or is that something Playboy decides?
A: Playboy decides, but they make sure you [or Holly Madison] are comfortable.

Q: What's worse on a guy and why: a weak chin or weak arms?
A: Weak arms! I'd rather he could give a punch than take one.

Q: Which would you choose and why: no sex for a year or no Internet for a year?
A: No Internet. Sex relieves stress, Internet causes it.

If that's the case, Lindsay Lohan must feel no stress at all.

In other Playboy news: Amanda Beard and Garcelle Beauvais nude have recently graced this magazine's cover.

There's really nothing funny about Ving Rhames' dogs allegedly killing their caretaker. So we're always grateful for Michael Vick news.

The embattled NFL quarterback, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, is considering a plea bargain that would halt the investigation against him in exchange for cooperation and a sentence that is not yet known.

But apparently he's got other problems. Vick has been hit with a $63,000,000,000 lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star not only stole his pit bull, but sold them on eBay to buy missiles. From Iran.

We're serious. The story about Vick getting sued is on a real news site! Check that, it's on Fox News. But a lot of people read that!

Jonathan Lee Riches filed the handwritten complaint over "theft and abuse of my animals" on July 23 in the U.S. District Court in Richmond, Va.

Riches alleges that Vick stole two white mixed pit bull dogs from his home in Holiday, Fla., and used them for the dogfighting ring he's in hot water over.

The complaint goes on to allege that Michael Vick sold the dogs on eBay and "used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government."

Man, this guy is a loon. Jonathan Lee Riches doesn't seem too sane, either.

The complaint also alleges Vick would "need those missiles" because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year. Naturally.

"Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes," Riches wrote in the paperwork for the lawsuit.

Riches wants $63 billion "backed by gold and silver" delivered to Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in S.C., where he's serving a wire fraud conviction.

In related news, The Hollywood Gossip is preparing a $36 million lawsuit after suffering immense retina pain due to the eye popping reaction over seeing Heidi Klum nude. Gosh.

If you're keeping track at home: There are now two recent Heidi Klum nude photo shoots.

And the model just gave birth to her third child.

Therefore, assuming the model wants to match naked spreads to number of children, there's still another one on the way.

To quote Wayne Campbell: Schwing!

The sexy new Jordache ads - in which Heidi wears little more than jeans and an intense stare - are making the celebrity gossip blog rounds.

And it's easy to see why.

Katie Price may try to look as hot ever ever after having a child, but no one can pull off this feat quite like Klum.

"I have three children," Seal's wife tells People magazine.

"That keeps you busy all the time. I work and we do a lot of things that are active. We work in the garden. We jump on the trampoline. I just started playing tennis with my husband. We climb in the tree house with the children. We go to the park and feed the ducks. We are always mobile."

But there must be more, right? How else does the the 34-year-old German native pull off her stunning appearance in these black-and-white print ads, in which she makes Kim Kardashian topless look downright disgusting?

"There were 20, 30 people on set to take the pictures," she said of the photo shoots with Brett Ratner, normally an action movie director moonlighting as a fashion photographer. "He had a lot of assistants. So I don't have to do that much. They all make me look good."

So modest and so beautiful. Who doesn't love Heidi Klum?!?

It's a half naked Heidi Klum photo.

Seal, meanwhile, also chips in around the house, whipping up traditional English breakfasts of eggs and beans. These two make a point of keeping that romance alive, too, aided by the model's form-fitting jeans.

"He always does a butt check," says Klum, who returns the favor. "I like him in jeans. I like him in anything. I like him without anything."

Does that mean a Seal nude photo shoot is coming up next? And could we handle it, if so? The recent release of Klum naked and Keira Knightley nude are already almost too much to bear.

Last season's stars of The Bachelor, Lt. Andy Baldwin and his chosen lady, social worker Tessa Horst, have confirmed that they have broken off their engagement.

But not their bond with each other.

"We are very much in love and committed to our relationship," the couple said in a joint statement to People.

"With the possibility of reassignment to a new location, we decided it was not the ideal time for Tessa to uproot herself and move out [to Hawaii] right now. Our relationship continues to deepen, and we're very hopeful about our future."

At the ABC party during the Television Critics Association press tour in late July, Andy Baldwin, 30, said that the San Francisco-based Tessa Horst, 26, was due to move to Hawaii, where Baldwin is posted, that month.

Andy and Tessa got together after he picked her over Bevin Powers on the May 21 finale of their season on the matchmaking program.

At the time, Horst said, "Andy brings light into any room and just lights up the room. His smile and his warmth just make him so great to be around."

About his station in Hawaii, Andy Baldwin said:

"I know that I have a year left and I may have the option of a three-year tour. There is also the option of a position in California. There is also a chance of me going back to finish my residency training. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I am a firm believer that this happened in my life for a reason. Tessa came onto the show for a reason, and it is like a dream come true."

The next season of The Bachelor will begin on ABC September 24. Here's hoping Brad Womack has better luck... and is slightly less of a tool.

Either way, at least the Sports Gal will share her hilarious opinions!

Take this, Eva Longoria nude!

While that Desperate Housewives co-star has received loads of attention for her looks, Teri Hatcher has a message for everyone: I'm really hot, too!

This actress also now has a new campaign to hammer home said message: Hatcher is the new face/body of American fashion house Badgley Mischka. She's photographed here by Ellen Von Unwerth and the autumn/winter advertisements will be featured in next month's fashion magazines.

"Back in the Lois & Clark days, the first time I went to the Emmys … the first gown I ever wore on a red carpet was a Badgley Mischka gown," the Desperate Housewives star said. "It was a really big hit. It was a big moment for me, and it was a big moment for them. We have this history together."

And now they have a present together, as well. It's a valiant effort by Teri to remain in the news, as Longoria's wedding to Tony Parker and the twins birthed by Marcia Cross have dominated headlines for this ABC show over the last year.

Hatcher said truly great fashion "like a new pair of shoes, can change your whole day..." That sounds like a Carrie Bradshaw quote to us, but other women can probably relate, too.

Why do you think Suri Cruise was so upset she would not be a Gap model? Those little jumpers can turn around a kid's week.