Ah, Heidi Montag.

The bubbly blonde co-star of The Hills sure has got a lot going on. To list off a few of her hobbies...

• Getting massive amounts of plastic surgery
• Trying to butt into every scene with Lauren Conrad on The Hills
• Plotting how to squeeze every last dollar out of a staged engagement
• Sweet, passionate, five-hour lovemaking sessions with Spencer Pratt (we thought we'd go the for full-on gross-out effect there)
• Being compared to Jesus
• Saying "like" every other word
• Going to Les Deux and other clubs

But most of all, what Heidi Montag enjoys is mysteriously appearing in hot bikini pics taken by Pacific Coast News. That organization just happens to come out, a few times a month, with many photos of H-Mont doing what she does best.

That being frolicking on the beach, with or without Spencer Pratt, showing off her new boob and nose job, angling for publicity and stardom in every possible way.

So here are some more Heidi Montag bikini photos. Yes, we are giving her exactly what she wants. It's playing right into her hand ... yet we can't help ourselves.

Gemma Atkinson knows how to be hot.

While Katie Price nude and pregnant makes a mockery of all British beauties, Atkinson is doing what she can to prove that less is sometimes more.

Sporting a simple bikini, Gemma looks dandy in the accompanying pictures. Unlike Price, she isn't fully naked. Contrary to Victoria Beckham, no giant boobs are on display. This is proof that subtle is often hotter.

We hope other Brits are taking notice. Hear that, Paul Sculfor? Put the cocaine down and just relax.

We make a lot of jokes about Paris Hilton's pussy.

But it never occurred to us just how much Paris Hilton is a pussy.

Law enforcement source connected with the Lynwood Jail tell TMZ, "To describe Paris as emotionally upset would be an understatement."

So, wait, Paris is upset that she's in jail? That's astounding. Might Britney Spears' crotch also be cold from being exposed?

TMZ has confirmed that Hilton is in the medical wing at the jail and is being "evaluated." Reportedly, sheriff's officials believed she was stable enough to be transferred back to his facility, but sources say Paris "will not be able to handle" confinement.

Perhaps she should have thought of that before she broke the law. It's not like Paris minded being confined to the bed of Stavros Niarchos and many other men over the years.

The root of Hilton's problem? Severe panic attacks. Like Katie Price when she wears clothing, apparently Paris freaks out a lot behind bars.

The Hollywood Gossip staff, though, is sick of these stories. It's prison. You're supposed to be upset and scared when there. The spoiled brat should at least be thankful she doesn't have to hang out with Brandon Davis for a few weeks.

Will the highly-anticipated Season 3 of The Hills - tentatively slated to air in August - be the swan song for our favorite California girls?

And Heidi Montag, too (oh snap)?

Numerous sources are reporting that Lauren Conrad wishes to retire from reality TV in order to focus on her fashion career, suggesting that the forthcoming third season of the hit MTV reality show will be its last.

Lauren Conrad, who first rose to prominence on Laguna Beach, has never expressed much interest in being an actress, despite her rise to reality TV stardom. In fact, she's commented in the past that she's quite disinterested in TV.

Could any of the mounting drama unfolding in Season 2 have something to do with LC pulling the plug on The Hills? As viewers know, her friendship with Heidi Montag deteriorated and came to a tumultuous end earlier this year.

First, Lauren's former roommate moved out of the Hillside Villas and in with the Devil himself, Spencer Pratt. The couple has since staged many pics and a possible fake engagement.

Then, LC learned over the internet that a mystery sex tape proportedly of herself and ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler was being shopped around.

"My friend started reading the story to me, and I literally could not breathe," Conrad said of the sex tape rumors. "I thought she was joking when she started telling me."

Later, the reality star became enraged when it was believed that Montag and Spencer Pratt leaked the tape story to blogger Perez Hilton.

Countered Heidi Montag, "I feel horrible for Lauren, but I had nothing to do with spreading that false, disgusting rumor."

The tension between LC and Heidi has escalated beyond that, though. This month it was reported that Heidi Montag is so desperate for airtime and exposure on The Hills that she's been crashing scenes featuring Lauren Conrad.

"Heidi's been showing up at shoots uninvited," a source dished. "At one point, Lauren was gesturing wildly, saying she 'can't deal' with Heidi.'"

All we can say is this:

1. Team LC 4-eva.
2. Bring on Season 3 baby!

Alas. Shar Jackson is denying recent reports that she is pregnant with yet another Kevin Federline child.

"I'm not pregnant. Have you seen my new stomach?" Jackson said.

The erroneous story originated in this week's Star magazine, which reported that Shar Jackson, 30, is six weeks along with Kevin Federline's baby.

Jackson and Federline, 29, have two children together, a daughter, Kori, 4, and a son, Kaleb, 2. The Ex-Wives Club star also has two children from a previous relationship.

Kevin Federline also has two sons with Britney Spears, Sean Preston and Jayden James.

These are some fertile folks! Anyway, the shining Shar sat down for an exclusive interview with Us Weekly to set the record straight. Excerpts below...

Us: How do you think the pregnancy rumor started?
Shar Jackson: Honestly, some people are just really unhappy that me and Kevin have a great friendship. Obviously some people can't handle that. Some people like to start stuff to make their little lives better.

THG NOTE: Yes they do, Shar Jackson. Yes they do. But don't let the celebrity gossip-spreading bastards drag you down. You go girl.

Us: So for the record, you are not pregnant?
Shar Jackson: Not at all. I am not pregnant. Have you seen my new stomach? Are you kidding me? I am not going to ruin that. That is so stupid. Not only is it stupid but it's unhealthy. I could die. So obviously the person who made this up isn't that bright. Let your readers know there is no way in hell I would waste $16,000 on a tummy tuck and get pregnant. I have no time and no plans to get pregnant any time soon. And when I say I have no time, I'm talking years. So whoever's hating should stop and focus on their own problems.

THG NOTE: No offense, Shar, but with four kids out of wedlock already, is it that big a stretch to believe this rumor? But, good to hear you've discovered the pill, though.

Us: And you are not interested in getting back together with Kevin Federline?
Shar Jackson: No. I am single and I am loving that. But he is one of my best friends and that isn't going to change no matter what anyone says or does.

Us: What do you think about Lynne Spears and Britney Spears' possible reconciliation?
Shar Jackson: They need to work it out. They are mother and daughter. They need to talk already.

Us: And you've become friends with Lynne Spears?
Shar Jackson: Yes. You know what? She's a really nice lady... It was easy for us to get along once we met.

Us: What do you think of Britney Spears' state right now?
Shar Jackson: That's her journey and nothing will change until she wants it to. She doesn't think she has a problem so I don't see her changing anytime soon in my personal opinion. So it is what it is.

Remember when a nude Britney Spears posed while pregnant?

Well, it looks like Katie Price doesn't recall this disturbing image.

If she did, the British model also known as "Jordan" might have avoided posing in her birthday, preggers suit alongside husband Peter Andre. It just isn't sexy to be competing with Salma Hayek for biggest baby bump while baring it all for the world to see.

We know certain English women such as Price, Keeley Hazell and Lucy Pinder don't have much to offer the world aside from giant boobs, but come on. No one wants to see this.

We'd almost prefer if you talked more about your loose vagina, ok, Katie? But maybe try making news one day for something that's actually not related to any of your private parts.

It's a bold concept, of course. But even Kim Kardashian is trying to make herself known for something other than a sex tape these days. She's focusing on bad singing instead.

We frequently write that Britney Spears has lost her mind.

Up until now, we were kind of kidding. But we're starting to believe that this is more than mere celebrity gossip thrown out there in an attempt at humor.

The crotch shot queen is asking her fans to help name her upcoming album -and one of her suggestions is a joke about Lindsay Lohan.

A joke that no one gets and doesn't seem even slightly amusing.

A post on her official Web site reads, "Britney Spears is asking her most die-hard fans for some assistance in order to name her upcoming album."

The first of five possible titles is about the rehabbing Lindsay Lohan:

"Omg is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like."

** FLUSH ** FLUSH **

[The sound you hear is Britney Spears' career officially going down the toilet]

The troubled and strange pop princess, who recently left rehab herself, says other possible titles are: "What if the Joke is on You," "Down boy," "Integrity" and "Dignity."

Is "Down boy" a shot at a horny John Sundahl? We will never know.

Members of Britney Spears' fan club, which apparently exists (you learn something every day in this business), can vote on her official site by clicking on the screen.

In addition, the vote-for-title item carries with it this declarative, defiant headline: "You'll Never See it My Way, Because You're Not Me."

You're right, Brit. We will never see it your way. This is because we are lucid.

Our staff hasn't a clue why Britney feels compelled to make a joke at Lindsay Lohan's expense - the irony of the insane pot calling the drugged-up kettle black, perhaps?

All we can do is pray that the L.A. County Department of Social Services acts now and rescues Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline before it's too late.

At least Sean Stewart nude pictures are no longer a topic of conversation.

Instead, recent news about this son of Rod Stewart is focused on the fact that he's being sued and now arrested for allegedly launching a brutal brick-throwing attack on a couple on April 23.

But don't think this male version of Paris Hilton is taking the charges lying down. His lawyer fired off the following letter to TMZ, a day after his client was arrested on charges of assault and battery:

"We have conducted an extensive investigation since these allegations were first raised. We have interviewed numerous witnesses who were at the party on the night of the incident. Our investigation has revealed that what occurred on the night of the incident is much different than what the complaining witness has alleged.

We will share our investigation with the prosecution at the appropriate time. Our investigation has shown that the alleged victim only named Sean Stewart as a suspect after hearing that Mr. Stewart was at the party that night and that the alleged victim had a financial motive to make these allegations against Mr. Stewart [friend of David Weintraub].

Our investigation has also revealed that any crimes which may have been committed that night, were in fact committed by the person who claims to be the victim."

Wow. Strong words. We wonder if Sean's sister, Kimberly Stewart, will throw in her two cents the next time she pens a pointless letter to the public.

We're also unsure about how this will affect the relationship of Sean and Caleigh Peters. But you'll be the first to know once more information is released.

A lot of buzz was made a few months ago about Marcia Cross nude photos possibly being leaked. But nothing came of it.

Now, the focus isn't just on this Desperate Housewives actress in clothing - but in similar clothing as another popular TV star.

Take a look below at Cross and Kate Walsh rocking a yellow dress. The same yellow dress. Perhaps they planned this two years ago when their shows both aired on Sunday night on ABC.

Now, of course, Walsh is leaving Grey's Anatomy for her very own Private Practice. She's fortunate enough to exit at a good time, as tensions on the former show are running high since Isaiah Washington was released from his contract.

Cross, meanwhile, recently gave birth to a pair of celebrity babies and will be attending the wedding of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker next month.

As you can see, the paths of these actresses won't be crossing again any time soon. So they won't come to blows after you let us know what you think of Katie Holmes' new hairstyle and then vote on which beauty above looks better.

Brandon Davis, a.k.a. "Greasy Bear," reportedly decided in the recent past that he was rather unhappy with what his image had devolved to.

That being a worthless, spoiled rich oil heir and friend of Paris Hilton with a propensity for vile outbursts and sweating like a pig.

The New York Post's Page Six reports that the ball of lard has been on a diet and was proud to show off his "leaner form" at a party the other night ... where he only drank water.

Normally, we revere the Post. Their sleuths break many stories, including the Stray-Rod / Joslyn Noel Morse scandal and the revelation that Shar Jackson may be pregnant again.

But come on guys. Brandon Davis? Leaner form? You gotta be kidding, right? April Fool's was two months ago. Are you smoking up with Nicole Richie or something?

Here's Greasy Bear in a screen capture from his infamous "Firecrotch" rant (in which he immortalized Lindsay Lohan as such) in May 2006. That incident is on the left. Compare it to this picture of a "svelte" Davis taken at a Hollywood party Tuesday.

Wow, you can really see the difference. Not. Preparing to light a cigarette despite being drenched in oil, this guy is still greasier than Spencer Pratt, albeit less conniving.

Although he may have bribed the Post to discuss his "leanness." That's the only explanation we can think of. What's next, Kevin Federline, Rhodes scholar?