As soon as Ali Fedotowsky declared in the opening moments that she has never felt better, you knew The Bachelorette was going to be good. But not this good.
Not even the spoilers we've known all season long could have prepared us for the unspeakable awesomeness that was the ABC show's outing of Justin Rego.
According to reports, it wasn't even faked. Rated R was legitimately busted, undone by his two-timing ways in Canada, a scandal dumped in producers' laps.
It was classic.
Obviously, you can't help but wonder what was re-edited, re-shot or flat-out contrived, but does it really matter? This is reality TV entertainment at its best.
The rest of the episode was pretty dull, but that can be forgiven, thanks to the opening sequences? THG breaks down all the action below in its +/- index ...
RATED R FOR REJECTED: Ali sent Justin packing.
In Turkey, venerable Bachelorette host Chris Harrison is the bearer of bad news for Ali Fedotowsky. Plus 9, because as a pimp, you gotta protect your employees.
Ali's friend and former co-star on Jake Pavelka's season, Jessie Sudilis, NEEDS to speak to her now. Minus 3, though, 'cause it takes 50 rings for her to answer.
Somehow, Jessie knows Justin Rego's girlfriend, Jessica Spillas, who just found out Justin was cheating on HER with Kimberly Kerekes. Plus 5. Nice, Rated R.
After a loooong phone call, we learn from Jessie that Justin only went on The Bachelorette for publicity. Minus 7 because we don't buy Ali's "stunned" face.
Plus 3 for the documentary-style filming, (relatively) unedited and without music, and Plus 6 more for Chris busting out an iPhone pic of Justin and Jessica.
Minus 1 for the fact that Jessie is gona be on Bachelor Pad, and Minus 5 for the time-honored, scripted line: "I know he's not there for the right reasons."
Ali calls Justin out publicly, asking if he misses his girlfriend in Canada. Plus 10. He reacts how any upstanding guy would ... he makes a run for it! Plus 17.
TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS: Host-pimp Chris makes the call.
It only gets better as Ali gives chase and Justin escapes, only to come limping back later. He tries to talk his way out of it, but he's a really bad liar. Minus 9.
Justin hobbles off, presumably stranded in a Turkish bazaar. Plus 7. As he does so, messages he left Jessica while he was on the show are played. Plus 12.
Finally, we move on to Ty's date with Ali in a Turkish bathhouse, one of many reasons this was the most homoerotic episode of The Bachelorette ever. Even.
Ty talks about his divorce, Tenley Molzahn style, and we know this is supposed to be a powerful moment and all, but Minus 4, because it just can't compare.
On the group date, Kirk, Chris, Roberto and Craig wrestle random Turkish dudes, then each other, while covered in olive oil. See two sentences above. Plus 6.
Craig prevails, but Chris L. is the true winner with his good looks and hilarious comments. Will he get engaged to Ali (see The Bachelorette spoilers)? Plus 7.
On Craig's date, he falls so hard into the friend zone, his fate is sealed. Minus 4. Contrast that with Frank's date, in which they're all over each other. Plus 4.
Oh, Plus 5 for Ali's belly-dancing outfit. They had to throw us guys something.
TOTAL: +58. SEASON: +159.
Roses: Ty and Frank (earlier dates), Roberto, Chris and Kirk.
Out: Justin (abandoned in Istanbul) and Craig (friend zone).