"I literally feel, like, one of my friends... died."
- LC

After all this time, and hype, the much-anticipated season three premiere of MTV's The Hills didn't disappoint. For the most part.

Monday's debut sure didn't waste any time bringing viewers inside the epic war between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, while properly (and blatantly) introducing each side's supporters.

Whitney Port - now a full-time employee and Lauren's supervisor at Teen Vogue - and Audrina Partridge are so on Team LC, while Montag's devilish boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, is Team Heidi's president, vice president, and PR coordinator.

Giving the people what they want, MTV began the year with a cat fight we knew happened, but have been wanting to see on film for moths, as a tipsy Lauren - enraged over rumors of her sex tape making the rounds - and Heidi hurled insults at each other outside Les Deux.

Lauren is convinced, right or wrong, that Heidi and Spencer started and spread the rumor of her making a sex video with ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler.

The gist of Lauren's position on the matter, as told to Heidi Montag: "You know what you did! You know what you did! You're a sad, pathetic person!"

That about covers it.

"I could just never imagine hating someone so much that you'd do something like that to them," Lauren Conrad said later, reflecting on the incident.

Oh well. She has other things to worry about, like meeting the boy du jour at the club, and whether or not to criticize Audrina's boy, a mumbling, biker, hippie-type who she dated off and on a few years back and doesn't say much.

We heart Lauren, but at the same time, we wonder if she's not - at least at times - taking out some of her own frustrations and insecurities on her friends. 

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Rumer Willis might not be able to explain the first name her parents chose for her - but the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore can detail the basis for a weird photo that surfaced on celebrity gossip sites last week.

Taken from upcoming comedy House Bunny, the picture features her character wearing just a dunce cap and silver back brace. Underneath, she's pretty much as naked as Holly Madison during a Tuesday at the Playboy Mansion.

"That picture was taken from a photo shoot we did for the movie for a calendar in the film that shows [the sorority girls] going too far," Willis told People Saturday during an Art of Elysium benefit held at the French Connection Beach House in Malibu. "Somebody happened to take a picture and leak it. It is what it is."

Don't worry, Rumer. New Keira Knightley nude pics should take people's attention away from this weird photograph.

Willis, who often gets advice about the business from her movie star mom and dad, took the leak in stride. After all, her father has just been snapped being straddled by Karen McDougal. It goes with the celebrity territory.

"I've been really lucky," Willis said. "I'm so grateful to have [my parents], who have worked so much and so diversely in this business, when I go out on auditions or when I have questions about stuff."

She also loves the fellow actresses in the movie.

"The girls I'm working with are such sweethearts, and I tend to not like girls, and I think most of my costars are the same way but we all get along so well," she said.

Those House Bunny costars include American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee and Scary Movie star Anna Faris, who plays a recently-fired centerfold who signs up to be the house mother at the nerdiest sorority on campus.

Rumer plays an insecure student who wears a back brace even though she could have had it removed years ago. Makes sense to us.

Gearing up for what could prove to be a bruising custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline, Britney Spears apparently sought some spiritual enrichment this weekend.

By shopping.

While the exercise is hardly unusual for the fallen pop star, her purchase was: a book. We know. Britney Spears can read! You learn something every day.

And it's not just any book, but a $12.95 Hallmark gift volume, 50 Truths Worth Knowing, that Britney Spears picked up, along with some candles, at a drug store in Los Angeles.

As the picture shows, Spears went shopping with her "cousin" Alli Sims. Why do we put "cousin" in quotes? Because some (Perez Hilton included) claim they are not even related, and neither has confirmed or denied the nature of their relationship concretely.

Anyway, back to Britney Spears' new reading material.

"If you like 'food for thought' you'll enjoy a veritable feast in 50 Truths Worth Knowing," is how the 216-page hardcover (with ribbon bookmark) is described on the Hallmark Web site.

"A collection of fifty true-life experiences, this uplifting, unforgettable book offers convincing proof that the most important truths are often revealed in simple and surprising ways."

The singer has certainly been surprising herself of late. Last week, the normally brown-eyed girl tried out green contacts for a video shoot in Santa Monica.

Alli Sims, 26, too was faced with a surprise development of her own early Sunday when, after partying with Spears at a private house in Hollywood, she got served with legal papers that will force the former assistant / friend to testify at Spears' divorce hearing.

Mary-Louise Parker nude? That was nothing compared to what this Weeds star had to endure during a photo shoot for her acclaimed series.

The beautiful star is fine posing in the buff. Snakes, however? Those are another story.

"I didn't think I was going to do it actually," the actress told the Associated Press and People reported. "But then, they were there and the snake was there, and I didn't want the snake to win, so I put the snake on."

Parker is photographed from the back with a snake coiled around her shoulder and down her bare back, head poised mid-strike. And it was that set-up - not the birthday suit - that bothered her.

This photo is worth showing as often as we can. It's the sort of shot we'd expect from Katie Rees.

"I've been naked quite a bit, actually," she said. "You Google [Mary-Louise Parker naked], you'll see it all."

By the end of the shoot, though, Parker was close pals with the snake, she claimed. Of course, we weren't really listening because we were too busy Googling Mary-Louise Parker nude and Jessica Alba nude (why not, right?)

The third season of Weeds, which also stars Kevin Nealon, Elizabeth Perkins and new-to-the-series Matthew Modine, premiered last night.

Many people may have been too distracted by The Hills and the exploits of Lauren, Heidi and Spencer - not too forget Whitney Port - to care, however.

The great Brody Jenner celebrated his birthday like any other 20-something celeb with too much money and no career - by throwing a huge destination extravaganza weeks in advance and getting all wet with champagne.

While his birthday isn't until August 21, Brody Jenner the arrival of his 24th year all weekend in the Bahamas, dousing face and body with Moet & Chandon.

No word on whether Lauren Conrad or any of his other ex-girlfiends were there. But here's hoping this event was a bit more interesting than Katie Rees‘ lame ass "party."

Brian Adams was known as "Crush" during his wrestling days.

Now, he's known as yet another WWE star - joining Chris Benoit and a slew of others - that have passed away at a young age.

Tampa Bay police and fire/rescue workers were dispatched to the home of Adams this morning after receiving a call from his wife, who said Adams was unresponsive. Upon arrival, rescue members found Adams on the bed and not breathing.

They attempted to revive him but were unable to. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

An autopsy is expected to be performed on the body tomorrow. Cause of death is still unknown, but the incident report says there were "no visible signs of injuries."

One WWE source says that Adams may have choked on his own vomit.

With Lindsay Lohan nude photos rumored to be floating around the Internet - and adult film actress Paulina James prepared to portray the troubled star in an upcoming movie - the next logical career step for this Firecrotch Queen seems obvious:

Just suck it up and get into the porn business.

With a pair of DUI arrests on her record, it's not like Lindsay has any respectable future ahead of her anyway, right?

Wrong, says The Sports Gal. Here's what the wife of ESPN columnist Bill Simmons has to say about the next choice of movies for Lohan:

"Lindsay doesn't need porn. She needs to copy what [Angelina Jolie] did and play a role close to herself, that's how she can turn her career around. Nobody wants to see her in a romantic comedy because she's too messed up and nobody wants to see her in a horror movie because we'd just root for her to get killed.

When Angelina was struggling, she did Girl, Interrupted and played a mental patient with drug problems who cut herself and acted crazy.

It wasn't exactly a stretch.

Lindsay needs to do that, something close to home, like a promiscuous alcoholic with low self-esteem and a drug problem who likes to drive drunk, chain-smoke and pretend that her breasts aren't fake - then, her life is turned upside down when she gets sent to jail for her 14th DUI and she ends up feuding with a group of skinhead prisoners who resent her because of her beautiful red hair, which they end up shaving before she joins a rival Kabbalah group and finds the strength to kill the Skinheads to survive.

I would go see this movie, and [Bill Simmons] would probably go too because there would definitely be a shower scene."

According to the New York Times, The Hills, which opens its third season on MTV tonight, is more convincing than Friends or just about any other comedy about female relationships because â€" as any young woman knows â€" those undying friendships die.

After all the superlatives, hugs and I love yous, the separations can be bruising. Unlike romantic heartbreak, in which the terms are ultimately subjective ("He's not that into me"), female friendships are commonly torched along rigid moral lines ("She's disloyal, selfish, manipulative and deceitful!!").

You can brood over this stuff for years.

The spectacular falling-out of the two main stars of The Hills, Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, has become a polarizing object lesson played out in the tabloids.

The reality show, which began as a spinoff of Laguna Beach, which starred Lauren, first followed Conrad's effort to establish herself as a young adult in Los Angeles.

But as a grown-up, the lovely Lauren Conrad proved no Mary Tyler Moore, and her youthful innocence and exuberance kept pulling her back to adolescence.

The second season gave up on maturity and let Lauren be the woman-child she is. The Hills rapidly found its footing when Heidi Montag, a trifling blonde known for her love of nightlife, her bust line and other superficial things, swelled to take up more emotional space.

Montag displayed an uncommon gift for sycophancy and self-sacrifice, which seemed like a sin when put in the service of the no-good men in her life, and a virtue when used to serve Lauren Conrad (or the publicity firm Heidi went to work for).

But by the season's end a Machiavellian figure named Spencer Pratt had decided to indenture Heidi to girlfriendhood. And she went along, to the dismay of Lauren, who was sad to see her friend's true nature - but mostly sad to lose her cheerful lackey.

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File this among The Most Disappointing Happenings in Hollywood, right along with those supposedly naked Amy Polumbo photos.

We should've known that we couldn't have counted on that beauty queen to bare it all, but what's Katie Rees thinking in the accompanying pictures from her 23rd birthday party over the weekend? It was held at a topless pool!

Yet somehow, Katie Rees - a raunchy gal who is best known for naked, lesbian pics - couldn't even take off her bikini top. For shame.

Rees and friends rocked out at the Bare Pool Lounge at the Mirage yesterday afternoon. Based on the evidence included here, though, there was more nudity in the Mary-Louise Parker Weeds ad than during these festivities.

This was a major letdown and we're afraid of what will happen next. Might Spencer Pratt be heartfelt and understanding on The Hills season premiere tonight? Perish the thought.

When it comes to birthday suits, however, at least we have Keira Knightley nude to ogle over now.

Sources connected with the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline tell TMZ that at the heart of the tussle over the kids is nothin' but cold, hard cash.

K-Fed is going back to court asking for more custody of the kids. Federline just agreed to a 50/50 split, then turned around almost immediately and filed papers asking for 70/30.

Why the sudden change of heart?

It's puzzling that Kevin is now so alarmed, given that he's had zero contact with Spears for three months.

In fact, Britney Spears has been begging him to communicate because of parenting issues and he reportedly won't agree.

Which brings us to the legal paperwork Kevin Federline recently filed.

Sources say there are declarations from Kevin, both of his lawyers, Kevin's nanny and a nanny who interviewed with Britney in October, 2006, before the couple separated.

In the papers, Federline's lawyer also included various celebrity news articles about Britney. Legal experts say good luck getting that into evidence.

As we talked about earlier, Alli Sims, Britney's cousin, got served this weekend.

Kevin's lawyer wants to take her deposition. But here's what's telling - K-Fed's lawyer also wants to take Britney Spears' deposition, but a source close to Alli Sims says the deposition notice Brit received is all financial - the references are all about money, not the kids.

So does K-Fed want more custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James just so he can get more cash? A Federline source says it's all about the kids and not money. Kevin wants Britney under oath talking about whether she drinks and how she raises the kids.

Oh, and one last thing. FedEx's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is asking that Britney pay his legal fees for the hearing and preparation. And that means six figures.

We assume "six figures" refers to the sum of money at stake, rather than the number of "figures" Britney has slept with since filing for divorce from Kevin.